Am I In the wrong for feeling this way? Step child and our child

[mummy21blueeyed]

Hi just a quick one,

Me and my partner have a two year old together and he has a son from previous relationship who is 11.

We don't live together properly although prior his home was our home and we'd all be there. Since May however we rarely stayed as he worked away ALOT etc. i also now live closer to my mum and my work so it works as I've only recently got a car again.

Before he used to try and ask us to stay out on Fridays as he wanted a boys night.

However my question is, is this okay? Am I over reacting.

I hate the feeling of being unwanted while he's got his son. I worry about our child who screams everytime we pull away. She will soon understand we are allowed to stay when brother isn't there but when he is were not allowed.

Usually we spend around 4 hours together on a Saturday but yesterday they were to busy as had plans which might be why I feel so hurt and down.

He says he misses us but I don't believe him as it's his own fault that we're not there as a family. I don't know how he can say he misses us when he does this to us. Yeah he has his son eow but it's the way life works when you move on and have other children you surely don't push the other child out just because you don't see the oldest enough. I have friends who have more than one kid they don't kick the other out essentially because of this.

Not that it matters but his son still sits in the living room on his play station etc they have the tv on the coffee table pulled right up to the sofa which wouldn't happen if our child was there etc I just feel like we get in the way and obviously my child would wake earlier than the 11 year old which means noise levels are higher.

Is there anyone else in this situation? I have no money so I couldn't go and keep us busy I'm just about surviving till the end of the month. I just want us to be a family.

I just dread it when our child is old enough to see what her dad is doing and I will be making sure I'm
Honest but leaving it to him to answer and figure out.

I look forward to every other week for this reason i feel we need our time with him so much.

He sounds like a builder OP? In which case he earns masses of £ and should be paying for childcare, clothing, home, food, transport etc so get a more just settlement.

Seeing that you are becoming homeless, and he is proposing fir you to move in.

What will he say if you tell him
’Great! I was sooo worried about having nowhere to live. Of course, there is no way I can move out EOW because … well… I won’t have anywhere to stay’

I think his answer will tell you everything you need to know
and I’m afraid, the answer will be that his ds will take the priority over you and his toddler

On the utter side, if he was a decent father and partner, he would have offered/asked the question a long time ago…..

True dat. My point wasn't to exonerate this shining example of humanity - just to help OP explore her options.

I'm trying to get the OP to see what an awful situation she's in, actually.

By asking about the blokes ex, the ex’s amount of kids and his history of living arrangements, their sex life, OPs employment and childcare arrangements?
I don’t get it, but ok. I think there must be an easier way to point out her clearly obvious shit bloke than relentless questioning.

Sounds like it's fifty shades of fucked up for you all. Very unfair on you and your daughter, and it's also depriving DSS of a relationship with his sister. Is DP aware sibling relationships are the longest of your life?

@GrumpyPanda she’s now two and has been going since she was 10 months old so that’s 14 long months. I have asked him but even so I’ve shared how much it costs I’ve shared each month what I pay towards so the 15% and as a dad he should want to pay the 7.5% surely. I mean he pays for his eldest football his new games his new headsets etc so why does my child not get any further support. The other mother also gets £40per week so no difference there but she then isn’t having to buy every ounce of ebeurinf else he does that.

whwn we’ve argued I’ve mentioned his lack of support… he takes it on board for a day or two. Although he did his own Christmas shopping and birthday this year and what triggered me even more is she’s 2.. so I have been buying 2/3 for her to grow into… he’s buying 18/24 so it won’t last long so again I’m over compensating.

I was with him tbjs afternoon and he was so tired and as soon as my daughter shown tiredness he was like you’ll have to go soon. The girl was sat watching her tablet with a little moan now and then. I just know he can’t tolerate this
age.

It's weird he can't tolerate this age (2) with your DD, but presumably managed to tolerate it with his older child.

Or maybe he didn't. Have you asked him?

@TheShellBeach

from when I spoke to the eldest mum it appears he was no longer in the relationship with her or living with them. She’s also said she did it all on her own at this age including buying everything.

He once had ( well they) but she is irrelevant to me. A cocaine habit and from what I’ve been told he was really bad on it as was she so he wasn’t really around at this age for his son. So it’s like what is he expecting me to do 99.9% of the parenting until she’s older so he can step up.

i mean I don’t think he was a proper good dad to his oldest until he was about 5/6 because he only got his own place 4 years ago and I heard he’d had him where he previously lived but not much. He also said himself he had to change his life before his son got too old. I mean I didn’t realise how bad things were when his eldest was young until I was a mother to his child

he doesn’t socialise with his old friends he doesn’t drink and certainly doesn’t touch that stuff anymore either. He literally is clean but he’s a shit dad.

I had a feeling you were going to say that he was somewhat out of the picture by the time his ds was 2yo

I think it's pretty inexcusable the way he has treated your dd tbh. Telling you it's time to go because he can't tolerate his own dd being tired? That is crap behaviour as a father. What planet is he on?

Have you got plans for when you're evicted, OP?
I don't think you can rely on your boyfriend at all.

I'd make a clean break from him, for your own sake and that of your daughter.

@TheShellBeach

i will happily go into temporary accommodation and find my own home from there. I’m not standing for his behaviour any longer.

@TheShellBeach i have been saying little things all day to him today about his behaviour and what our child needs. He will also be getting told the next time he asks us to stay No. He isn’t going to keep getting away with it. I keep getting migranes And I feel it’s the stress from him as when he wasn’t stressing me out I was fine and then now he is again they’ve came back

I think that's the best thing to do. This man doesn't deserve you or his daughter.

If you broke up you'd be able to go for proper child support and agreed access for your child.

I've read all your posts and it's a mess. More of a friend with benefits and a baby! Ditch him. Move on. You deserve better. You are only 30 and you may meet someone else who will be a proper dad to your little girl and you can have another child with and you can support each other rather than living separate lives. It will also force his hand to spend some time with his DD if he's not a complete deadbeat. But TBH that doesn't seem likely. He only wants to be a dad to his 11yo now that parenting involves sitting in bed watching MOTD or on the sofa gaming. What a pathetic excuse of a man.

I'm a parent to similar aged boys and I do not just loaf about like that. I take them to clubs, sports activities, we meet friends. There's a time for chilling but not all the time.

I feel sorry for his DS. You should too. Its not the EOW time with son that's a problem. It's the him turfing you out like you're nothing.

Just agree that he will continue to pay you the pittance and you agree not to go to CMS. Then move on with your life.

Can get some support From his family? Do his parents want a relationship with your dd? It might be that as she gets older the family will pitch in so you're not completely alone.

Good luck. I feel for you. 😔

@TheShellBeach

what I actually want to do is, build a life with my child without him. I mean. He said the other week I was planning a life without him? Well done for noticing but what you going to do ahour it to make sure your part of the plans cause to me it looks like nothing.

i plan on getting a new home and turning into our home for me and her. I have recently got a car back so the world again is our oyster. I’ve been miserable today and yesteday as he had his son and had no time for us but as I’ve said before I had no money so I did all I could without it And that’s exactly how it’s going to go. I’m planning things for us new adventures. I’m taking us places doing nicer things and if that means we don’t see her dad or her brother we don’t see them. He wasn’t bothered yesterday so if I want to do something I won’t put them
first ill put us first.

i am also supposed to be starting a new job
but it gives me more of a work life balance and enables more. I’m trying to change everything but he needs to be ignored or let go cause I will never get what I want from him.

@ZenNudist

what makes this even more of a joke is he doesn’t have a dad. Doesn’t know who he is doesn’t know what he is nothing. His mum has never offered any information or nothing where as he has 3 other siblings that know who there dad is.

i also knew who my dad was but didn’t ever see him. He then died 3 years ago from a drug overdose.

so I feel like he should want to give his kids what I didn’t have and I should stop tehinf to get someone to be consistent that was never just because I didn’t have it from someone biological. My brothers dad was consistent and is consistent still even years after separating from my mum.

Good luck with it all, OP.
It sounds like you know exactly what to do to build a good life for the two of you.
I really wish you well. You deserve it.

@TheShellBeach

thank you, I just need to work on letting the anger go and the pain side of it because these weekends hurt. Its January and I got paid before Christmas this is one long month for me. So I’m literally already borrowing to survive.

i believe they need contact and need time together however if he wants us both to have a decent relationship with him this isn’t the way to do it. I will continue to live life and leave him behind but I need to busy myself when he’s got his son so it doesn’t eat me alive. I try and tell myself the negatives of being there like The four of us being stuck in one room while at home in the living room with two TVs on the go. Etc you know but It still bothers me because I want him to want us to be there and he don’t.

this year I will create the life that I want and hopefully get the home that we deserve and just keep going and leave him behind because if he doesn’t want to be left behind he will need to run up to speed and change himself.

Good luck with it. Sounds like you now accept he is a shit dad and just wants to parent when the child is of an age where he can do the absolute minimum parenting.

sort out your accommodation. Sort out when he has your child. Start your new job. Focus on you and your child.

Your soon to be ex is the one who will be missing out.

You're doing everything you can and he's rejecting his own child. That's more than unfortunate.
You've got a good head on your shoulders!

@TheShellBeach @KissMyArt and who ever else comes back into this thread to read

Update…

so this evening over the phone we got into a little disagreement which ended up as a big one because I mentioned again about this whole thing with the kids and weekends. He told me it would never change and he will always want it. So I asked how he’d hurt our child’s heart and how he’d talk to her and tell her the truth he told me he’d say he has no room etc and that he has already spent time with her so it’s okay.

i told him this relationship no longer works and right now I feel like I need to protect my child from him as he will hurt her in the long run. I have ended it and told Him to stay away. I’ve told him with the attitude he has I’m not even sure my child has a dad anymore because she needs and deserves more.

he said he won’t change it, so I’ll walk and take our child and protect her hers

Good for you, @mummy21blueeyed.

He isn’t being a partner to you nor a father to your child.

Wishing you strength.