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Original poster

Am I In the wrong for feeling this way? Step child and our child

103 replies

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 10:51

Hi just a quick one,

Me and my partner have a two year old together and he has a son from previous relationship who is 11.

We don't live together properly although prior his home was our home and we'd all be there. Since May however we rarely stayed as he worked away ALOT etc. i also now live closer to my mum and my work so it works as I've only recently got a car again.

Before he used to try and ask us to stay out on Fridays as he wanted a boys night.

However my question is, is this okay? Am I over reacting.

I hate the feeling of being unwanted while he's got his son. I worry about our child who screams everytime we pull away. She will soon understand we are allowed to stay when brother isn't there but when he is were not allowed.

Usually we spend around 4 hours together on a Saturday but yesterday they were to busy as had plans which might be why I feel so hurt and down.

He says he misses us but I don't believe him as it's his own fault that we're not there as a family. I don't know how he can say he misses us when he does this to us. Yeah he has his son eow but it's the way life works when you move on and have other children you surely don't push the other child out just because you don't see the oldest enough. I have friends who have more than one kid they don't kick the other out essentially because of this.

Not that it matters but his son still sits in the living room on his play station etc they have the tv on the coffee table pulled right up to the sofa which wouldn't happen if our child was there etc I just feel like we get in the way and obviously my child would wake earlier than the 11 year old which means noise levels are higher.

Is there anyone else in this situation? I have no money so I couldn't go and keep us busy I'm just about surviving till the end of the month. I just want us to be a family.

I just dread it when our child is old enough to see what her dad is doing and I will be making sure I'm
Honest but leaving it to him to answer and figure out.

I look forward to every other week for this reason i feel we need our time with him so much.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:47

I think he likes sharing his bed with his eldest and he can’t do that when we’re there

Is this an excuse not to have sex?

Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:48

@TheShellBeach

Thank you for this by the way!!

i don’t actually know If the eldest cares but we know as he grows he’ll see his dad for what he is.

the eldest said to my child the other week “ you can’t do this in mine and my dads house” that hurt me. It should be my child’s home as Much as it is his.

OP posts:
Xyzagain · 14/01/2024 11:48

This isn’t good at all OP . It sounds positively dysfunctional. You and your daughter deserve better but it doesn’t sound like you are going to get it with this controlling man . Once she is school age it will be so unsettling for her and have a big impact . Get rid of him and move on with your life . Temporary accomodation can be grim but it is a step towards a new home and a better future for you and her

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Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:49

@TheShellBeach

our sex life was quite healthy when we lived together however we didn’t ever do it when eldest was around because of his age and things it’s just not comfortable although years ago when he was younger it would happen in the mornings before he woke up

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:51

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:49

@TheShellBeach

our sex life was quite healthy when we lived together however we didn’t ever do it when eldest was around because of his age and things it’s just not comfortable although years ago when he was younger it would happen in the mornings before he woke up

Okay, but now? You say you think he prefers to share his bed with his older child.
Could that be because he doesn't want sex with you anymore?

C00k · 14/01/2024 11:52

Just focus on your child. All this handwringing over some guy who’s not into you is wasting your life. You could have arranged a CMS claim in the time you’ve lost, typing out paragraphs about this guy.
Their shagging is no ones business. It’s hugely obvious the relationship is over.

Ladyj84 · 14/01/2024 11:53

What a disfunctional set of adults and 2 children in the middle bless them

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:54

Xyzagain · 14/01/2024 11:48

This isn’t good at all OP . It sounds positively dysfunctional. You and your daughter deserve better but it doesn’t sound like you are going to get it with this controlling man . Once she is school age it will be so unsettling for her and have a big impact . Get rid of him and move on with your life . Temporary accomodation can be grim but it is a step towards a new home and a better future for you and her

Sadly, I do agree with this.

If you're almost homeless, and claiming as a single person anyway, get yourself into temporary accommodation.
It doesn't sound like your boyfriend wants you all to live together, anyway.

You might as well put in a claim to CMS and be done with it.

Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:55

@TheShellBeach

no k don’t think so, I just think his son likes to watch match of the day in bed etc. he ignores me when I bring these up like he can’t tell me I’m wrong for feeling it. I need to do something about it today

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:56

I also feel that you're kind of concentrating on his son as the problem, when it's his dad who really is.

Do you know the son's mother? Did he ever live with her?

Has she got any other children?

Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:56

@C00k

i don’t need to make a claim he pays me £3 more than he should do according to them each week. So I’m good with that. I get my money each week and it’s not enough but In the eyes of CMS it is.

OP posts:
NorthCliffs · 14/01/2024 11:57

You're not a family, OP.

ArnieLinson · 14/01/2024 11:57

He is 40. He isnt changing. Set your own life up without him and arrange for him to have the child alone. He isnt parenting. You wont ever have a normal family with him.

Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:57

@TheShellBeach

he doesn’t have any other siblings no
from his mum. His mum is hard work in herself and they don’t always get on because she likes to drink etc

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:58

@ArnieLinson i feel like I need to do this and fast as I’m just never in a good place.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:59

Have you seen his bank statements?

What makes you so sure that you're only entitled to £40 a week?

It's a pitiful amount and would barely cover your daughter's food.

WilhelminaBunter · 14/01/2024 12:00

Think about your options - temporary accommodation which may lead to a more permanent home of your own vs living somewhere you do not feel welcome.

If you pick option B, I don't know system well enough to say, but might it be that you would then struggle to escape if you hate living with him, as they may say you have somewhere to live an no longer qualify for a council property? It also wouldn't be your home unless he changes the lease / mortgage as you aren't married.

Sounds a bit mercenary / unemotional but those would be some of my thoughts on this.

C00k · 14/01/2024 12:01

@TheShellBeach you’re asking a lot of irrelevant questions, OP should not be encouraged to be obsessing over the man and analysing him. It’s pointless.

TigerJoy · 14/01/2024 12:03

As many others have posted, this relationship is dead in the water. He doesn't care about you, he doesn't want to be a family with you and your daughter.

Don't involve him in decision making - more into temporary accommodation, get yourself something permanent for just you and your daughter.

I'm surprised £40 is the correct CMS - I'd check that if I were you. Certainly arrange visitation for your daughter once you've formally split.

Regardless, it sounds like you've got things set up that you can be self-sufficient. So do that.

This man is a waste of space. He doesn't want to be a family with you - don't let your daughter grow up thinking this is how men should treat women. Have some self-respect and look after yourself and your daughter.

Nicole1111 · 14/01/2024 12:11

He’s a terrible parent and a terrible partner. He’s treating everyone like options and no one like a priority. I worry for both children as the eldest is likely to grow up entitled and the youngest with difficulties around abandonment and rejection. If he’s not prepared to step up and be a good partner or parent then you need to step out. You and your child deserve better and it sounds like you’re not going to lose much by walking away. If you’re not ready to go that yet then you need to communicate clearly what your needs are and give him a reasonable amount of time to make the changes. If he can’t do that then you know what you need to do.

Gazelda · 14/01/2024 12:14

He doesn't treat you as a partner should be treated. His home will never be your home. He's not fully committed.

Worse, he doesn't treat his daughter as you'd want her to be treated. His home will never be her home. He's not fully committed to her.

End this for your daughter's sake. She (and you) deserve stability, somewhere permanent to live.

chopc · 14/01/2024 12:19

Get yourself a better job so you can support yourself and your child better. You can't go backwards and make a different decision, however, you can take charge of your life and steer it in the direction you want

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 14/01/2024 12:34

This isn't a relationship OP. He just happens to be the father of your child, that you (presumably) still have sex with on occasion.

LenaLamont · 14/01/2024 12:35

His son isn’t the problem, it’s all him.

GrumpyPanda · 14/01/2024 12:37

i work full time 8:30-4 every day, I have a childminder in place which I now get 15 free hours for. I also get 85% back which sometimes still means I have to pay £200 towards and he doesn’t offer to go halves.

Did you explicitly ASK him to go halves? Or alternatively to care for his child personally for half of the week? YABU if you're simply waiting passively for whatever crumbs he deigns to dish out.

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