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Original poster

Am I In the wrong for feeling this way? Step child and our child

103 replies

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 10:51

Hi just a quick one,

Me and my partner have a two year old together and he has a son from previous relationship who is 11.

We don't live together properly although prior his home was our home and we'd all be there. Since May however we rarely stayed as he worked away ALOT etc. i also now live closer to my mum and my work so it works as I've only recently got a car again.

Before he used to try and ask us to stay out on Fridays as he wanted a boys night.

However my question is, is this okay? Am I over reacting.

I hate the feeling of being unwanted while he's got his son. I worry about our child who screams everytime we pull away. She will soon understand we are allowed to stay when brother isn't there but when he is were not allowed.

Usually we spend around 4 hours together on a Saturday but yesterday they were to busy as had plans which might be why I feel so hurt and down.

He says he misses us but I don't believe him as it's his own fault that we're not there as a family. I don't know how he can say he misses us when he does this to us. Yeah he has his son eow but it's the way life works when you move on and have other children you surely don't push the other child out just because you don't see the oldest enough. I have friends who have more than one kid they don't kick the other out essentially because of this.

Not that it matters but his son still sits in the living room on his play station etc they have the tv on the coffee table pulled right up to the sofa which wouldn't happen if our child was there etc I just feel like we get in the way and obviously my child would wake earlier than the 11 year old which means noise levels are higher.

Is there anyone else in this situation? I have no money so I couldn't go and keep us busy I'm just about surviving till the end of the month. I just want us to be a family.

I just dread it when our child is old enough to see what her dad is doing and I will be making sure I'm
Honest but leaving it to him to answer and figure out.

I look forward to every other week for this reason i feel we need our time with him so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:23

@TheShellBeach he is paying me all he is entitled to do and I reckon he would have done his own calculation to make sure I couldn’t take him for more.

he does have issues mental health issues as well as ocd. Literally his place is clean to the brim he makes sure we’re all fed he makes sure he’s for everything down to a T and gets stressed if things aren’t right. He is hard to live with in terms of this though but he’s got a two year old here that loves him.

I don’t believe his OCD has a part in why he don’t have both together I generally feel like he just can’t be arsed. He wants the tv unit in the middle of the room where my child would play he wants to be left on his own where as my child would want to be in with and around both of them and not leave them alone. He wants to have the big double bed with his 11 year old where as that’s where I’d be. The list is endless but it has nothing to do with his OCD

OP posts:
KissMyArt · 14/01/2024 11:23

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:13

@KissMyArt

he does work away he’s on sites ripping places apart and doing the ground work etc.

we face time regularly when he’s away and he doesn’t drink he doesn’t do nothing he goes to bed at 9pm/10pm every night and is up at 4:30/5am.

i literally argue money all the time but I get an extra £10 a week for a short time and then it returns to normal.

I just feel resentful
towards a child although im
fully aware and focused it’s not his fault he’s not asking my partner to do it he’s not telling us we can’t be a family it’s purely my partner not doing the right thing

Wake yourself up.

If you do feel resentful towards his child, it's because you're deliberately channeling the resentment towards him, rather than towards your waste of space 'boyfriend'.

Forget the child and open your eyes to how this prick is using you and wasting your life.

It won't be long before he'll have taken the best part of your younger years and there'll be no going back to them.

Meanwhile, he'll probably trade you for someone younger, which will be an extra kick in the teeth.

He doesn't deserve you or his kids and he certainly doesn't want a proper relationship.

GET RID.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 14/01/2024 11:23

Why did you choose to have a child with someone so unreliable? These threads are so infuriating to read

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:24

(And BTW OP - you can quote people on this site by clicking on the three dots and selecting Quote.

The Reply button on Mumsnet is broken and does nothing. Just a heads-up)

Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:25

@KissMyArt
hes 40 I’m 30. He ain’t getting any younger and he won’t get anyone any younger although I reckon he wouldn’t find anyone his own age because of his attitude. However I think he went for me as I had no kids etc.

i agree with you though In terms of everything else.

OP posts:
KissMyArt · 14/01/2024 11:26

I am due to be homeless shortly so he’ll feel the pressure then however I have no intention of going back full time until he sorts his head out on this.

Christ I've never even met the bloke and yet even I can see he doesn't want you and his child back living with him.

Exactly what 'pressure' will your homelessness bring him?

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:26

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:23

@TheShellBeach he is paying me all he is entitled to do and I reckon he would have done his own calculation to make sure I couldn’t take him for more.

he does have issues mental health issues as well as ocd. Literally his place is clean to the brim he makes sure we’re all fed he makes sure he’s for everything down to a T and gets stressed if things aren’t right. He is hard to live with in terms of this though but he’s got a two year old here that loves him.

I don’t believe his OCD has a part in why he don’t have both together I generally feel like he just can’t be arsed. He wants the tv unit in the middle of the room where my child would play he wants to be left on his own where as my child would want to be in with and around both of them and not leave them alone. He wants to have the big double bed with his 11 year old where as that’s where I’d be. The list is endless but it has nothing to do with his OCD

Oh honey he sounds really selfish.

Did you live with him when you were pregnant? Have you ever lived with him?

It sounds so bleak and joyless.

Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:27

@Nofilteritwonthelp

i regret it every day although I wish I could have the exact daughter with someone else she’s Perfect in every sense. I wish I’d had my child with someone else childless.

OP posts:
RowanMayfair · 14/01/2024 11:28

Are you claiming as a single parent? If not, start that immediately and stop staying over there. You are a single parent! He's never going to welcome you into his home and his life with his son so make your own plans and arrangements.

KissMyArt · 14/01/2024 11:29

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:27

@Nofilteritwonthelp

i regret it every day although I wish I could have the exact daughter with someone else she’s Perfect in every sense. I wish I’d had my child with someone else childless.

The 'childless' thing doesn't matter.

Can't you see this is about HIM and not his child?

It was also very telling when you said "he is paying me all he is entitled to do and I reckon he would have done his own calculation to make sure I couldn’t take him for more. "

'Take him for more'???

This is not a man who values you and everything it takes to raise a child.

Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:30

@TheShellBeach

we lived together until our child was around 1 and then we went back to living together when she was 15 months until she was 18 months and now we are starting to stay again but I feel like it’s starting to hurt again so i can’t do it. When he was working away and we weren’t around wfh other a lot he’d just come back for weekends it was manageable but now it’s not. He hasn’t once acknowledged what happens when our child can ask him why he’s doing it. It won’t be long until she can realise we are leaving them together after a few hours together and ask why she can’t also stay with them.

OP posts:
WilhelminaBunter · 14/01/2024 11:30

I don't think he'd be any better if he was childless before you met him though? I don't think his ds is the main problem.

I also agree with the pp asking what pressure do you think you becoming homeless is going to put on him?

C00k · 14/01/2024 11:31

This is not a relationship, he's not a partner. Just formalise the already dead relationship, arrange co-parenting your kid and go through CMS for.him to pay for his kid. Move on with your life, he's irrelevant and you're hoping for something that does not exist.
He's openly not interested in your or your child, believe him.

Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:32

@KissMyArt I don’t mean it like that I am not bothered in terms of it but I feel like he went on to the cms website and did his own calculations so if I was to do it it wouldn’t be any different.

he doesn’t pay towards her childcare or anything really. His money covers her food. Literally lunch stuff for the week and some nappies..

so you are right .

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:32

Has he got a solution for your impending homelessness?

His daughter is equally affected, after all.

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:34

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:32

@KissMyArt I don’t mean it like that I am not bothered in terms of it but I feel like he went on to the cms website and did his own calculations so if I was to do it it wouldn’t be any different.

he doesn’t pay towards her childcare or anything really. His money covers her food. Literally lunch stuff for the week and some nappies..

so you are right .

But the money doesn't cover your bills or rent.

Do you work? If you do, who looks after your little girl?

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:35

And OP you should be bothered about the maintenance.

Your child deserves to be supported financially by both parents.

Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:35

@KissMyArt when I told him I was being evicted his sort of reaction was well you can come and live here but every so often you’ll need to leave for me and my child.

he also said he didn’t want us moving into temporary accommodation because it’s not nice which it isn’t. He also has spoken about us becoming back together but then we still are here?

i already do claim as a single person, I get 85% back in childcare my rent is paid for apart from £75. I also work full time. He is minimal in what he does in comparison to what I do and deal with of a day.

OP posts:
Menomeno · 14/01/2024 11:35

This is weird af. Your DD and his DS are siblings, but he won’t let them come into contact with each other? What’s his reasoning? Are you certain he’s not living a double life?

KissMyArt · 14/01/2024 11:35

C00k · 14/01/2024 11:31

This is not a relationship, he's not a partner. Just formalise the already dead relationship, arrange co-parenting your kid and go through CMS for.him to pay for his kid. Move on with your life, he's irrelevant and you're hoping for something that does not exist.
He's openly not interested in your or your child, believe him.

This ^^

It's dead. Stop allowing him to drag it out and start formalising it.

It's certainly best for your little girl.

Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:38

@TheShellBeach

i work full time 8:30-4 every day, I have a childminder in place which I now get 15 free hours for. I also get 85% back which sometimes still means I have to pay £200 towards and he doesn’t offer to go halves.

i claim as a single person cause that’s what I am if we lived together we’d have to claim together but with our wages we’d not be entitled to much which would mean he’d be more financially responsible due to my wages not being enough to do everything I do now.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:40

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:38

@TheShellBeach

i work full time 8:30-4 every day, I have a childminder in place which I now get 15 free hours for. I also get 85% back which sometimes still means I have to pay £200 towards and he doesn’t offer to go halves.

i claim as a single person cause that’s what I am if we lived together we’d have to claim together but with our wages we’d not be entitled to much which would mean he’d be more financially responsible due to my wages not being enough to do everything I do now.

Do you think the way he treats you and your daughter comes down to money?

Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:41

@Menomeno he thinks them seeing each other from 1-4 on a Saturday eow is enough which it isn’t. He also sees him through the week and every Sunday too.

he isn’t living a double life because there’s no way around it for him. He wouldn’t confuse his eldest or allow his eldest to see him in a bad light.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:44

@TheShellBeach

i think the way he treats us partly comes down to money but it is massively the fact that our child’s 2 and we all know two year olds.

he wouldn’t want our 2 year old being loud in the morning before his son wakes up.

he has the coffee table with a tv and play station on in the living room in the middle of the room when we’re not there when we are they push it back and the son sits on the floor on a blanket with it.

i think he likes sharing his bed with his eldest and he can’t do that when we’re there.

i think he likes the whole thing better when we’re not there. The other week I told him I feel like we’re not wanted and he told me I was wrong and to stop feelokf
that way.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:45

He wouldn’t confuse his eldest or allow his eldest to see him in a bad light

Well, that's a contradiction.
His eldest must see him in a bad light if he knows that his dad doesn't let you and his sister live there!

His eldest must see his dad in a bad light if he sees you and his sister becoming homeless!

Wake up, OP.