I'm fucking it all up, aren't I?

[Upsidebrown]

I'm mum to a 12 week old baby and i do not know what I'm doing.

My baby has been poorly a few times (needing hospitalisation) and I feel like she's gotten off to a really terrible start and I'm failing her as a mum for several reasons.

I can't establish a decent routine. The earliest she's ever gotten to bed has been 9.30 because she screams from teatime onwards every night. Its been a battle getting her to bed before 1am, to be honest.

She feeds almost constantly. She's FF as my milk dried up due to issues establishing feeding in the early days (due to early health issue). She now feeds a lot more than is recommended for her age, little and often, meaning she screams for good probably around every 2 hours during the day (3/4 hours through the night) and it is the most piercing, pained scream that comes from nowhere. We therefore have to feed on demand and there is no way to schedule or predict how much or how frequently she will feed, which makes me feel chained to the house. We get out every day but she rarely seems to enjoy anything and just screams for food after about half an hour.

She has in the past two weeks started being a bit more alert and will manage 10-20 minutes on her play mat where she giggles and smiles and plays, but after any minor effort she just screams to be fed, even if she only ends up taking 20-30ml of a feed its like she's dying of hunger.

We have absolutely no daytime routine re naps and she will only nap in her sling, not in her crib, moses basket or in her pram. She screams in her car seat and after about 20 mins in the pram. She doesn't enjoy songs, stories or her bouncy chair. She needs constant engagement, holding and attention and I feel like I'm messing her up in some way by not knowing what to do.

The only routine we've ma aged to implement is a vague bedtime routine (bath, bottle and bed) but the daytimes are the wild west.

My.mum just died so I have nobody to ask for advice, HV just told me to feed on demand and not to expect a routine - is this right?! I feel like I'm letting her down and her life is chaotic, but I'm not sure if this is just normal for a 12 week old.

Oh sweetheart, you’re doing fine. Some babies slot into routines and others really don’t. My first I had no clue what I was doing - totally normal.
make sure she’s clean
make sure she’s fed
and look after yourself

you’re in the part where it feels like you’re drowning. Try to go to baby groups and meet new mums (avoid smug ones and stick with the honest, nice mums).

dd1 screamed at me for the first 6 months of her life. She is now 15 and the most loving child. The baby stage is hard and, while some people love it, most of us don’t (now mine are older my mum friends admit it). The thing about being a new mum is you’ll regularly feel like a failure - that’s how good mums feel because you so desperately want to get it right. As they get older that feeling is less but still occasionally crops up when I’m thrown a curve ball.

Good advice from your HV OP!
Newborns don’t have a routine. And they don’t know the difference between day and night to start with.
All the feeding quantity and frequency guidelines are just averages. Smaller amounts more often is quite common too.
If your baby is growing and getting more alert when they are awake then you’re doing great! It’s fine to try to get more of a rhythm or routine going to help you get more sleep, but it makes no odds to a 12 week old baby whether they start their ´night’ at 7pm or 1am. Most or them wake up multiple times a night still at this age. You can keep lights low and avoid much stimulation with them when they wake up past 9pm or so in the hope they ho back to sleep quicker.

The feeding patterns remind me of my daughter's reflux. She had a bad flare up around 1 year and would scream like an addict for more formula she started comfort feeding and went from 5oz overnight to 25+Oz. The more formula she had the more reflux she had and then the more formula she wanted as it soothed the hurt it caused.

My daughter had a 9 pm bedtime until about 8 or 9 months then it only shifted to 8 ish. It didn't drop to 7.30 until she dropped all naps at 3

Babies with reflux and cmpa do this, has she been checked for allergies or reflux, especially if she seems to be in pain?

I asked our gp and she said it didn't sound like reflux as she is gaining weight and sleeps well enough at night - she did give us baby gaviscon but nothing changed except constipation so we nixed it. I'm really confused about how reflux is dx'd as she does have a lot of the symptoms but GP basically said she's a baby and babies are tough and HV sad avoid changing milk as they are all the same anyway?

Definitely no cmpa but possible reflux but not conclusive

Sounds like a normal tiny baby and also sounds like you're doing your best, which at this stage is all you can do.
As another poster said, feed, change, wind, cuddle. The rest will fall into place x

Mine didn't have reflux but surely the comfort milk is specifically tailored for reflux babies?

That's what I said, she said the comfort and hungry baby milks just have a thickener in which is really bad for babies and the GP said the same thing?!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum, and congratulations on your newborn.

You've just been through two of the biggest life changes any woman will ever go though, and you're dealing with it. You are so strong.

You can do this.

Your dd sounds as if she may have reflux. Try holding her upright after feeding instead of lying her down, to see if it's any better. I'd push for a dx, as meds should help.

Be kind to yourself.

Is there anyone to give you a break?

Take each day as it comes. Things will change with your dd soon enough.

The weight gain is only a problem when a baby has physical reflux and is very sick. Babies that have reflux that doesn't generate sick as they swallow it (silent) have good weight gain and some times gain more weight than expected because of the comfort feeding.

My sister have severe projectile vomiting and had failure to thrive. My daughter had severe silent reflux and has had brilliant weight gain but is still heavily medicated at 3 because of it

Gaviscon is pretty mild and for most babies with problematic reflux isn't going to cut it on its own. We needed high dose omperazole and lots of gaviscon with lactulose for the constipation. My daughter has food allergies and I had to cut them out of my diet and later she went on a dairy free formula. I would be going back to your GP and asking about omperazole and a trial of a dairy free formula - you will start on formulas that have broken down dairy so if you don't have an improvement you can't rule it out until you make your way to a fully dairy free formula

Also, babies with reflux can gain weight. I wonder how much your gp knows about it.

Also I had massive issues with getting my daughter adequate reflux treatment as my GP kept repeating that it was a washing problem. We ended up in paeds for something else and the paediatrician took us on for reflux and was disparaging about how our GP had been treating us. GPs can have poor paediatric knowledge

You are not fucking it all up OP! Babies are mad! The first one is mental everything goes crazy and you don't know why

Agree HV advice is good. I had a book called Happy Baby by Fiona Cooke when my baby was born that saved me, v short and simple and I actually 'got' what I was supposed to be doing from it, I can post you my copy if that is helpful? She has a Facebook group too - I pm'd her once in desperation and she replied she must have been able to tell I was losing my mind.

Your doing a great job, keep going it will all fall into place

I do feed her upright, she is definitely better than she was with her feeding but it's the constant and unpredictable hunger that I can't seem to manage.

I don't know how else to put it to my GP that I think she needs help with reflux..I even asked hospital staff during her stay there and they didn't think she had it either, just that she is a fussy baby. In 12 weeks she's been to hospital 4 times, the GP twice and to the walk in twice, I'm terrified of being that mum.

Husband works long hours and cant cope with her and no family to help.

Also agree re reflux comments, my baby fed constantly (I think for comfort due to pain) and it wasn't until we finally got omeprazole at 7months that she seemed to relax - trust your instinct and go back to doctor etc if it doesn't feel right

That is so kind, thank you. I'll look into it but as it stands I barely have time to have a wee, as much as I miss reading I don't see it in my future, haha.

Colick is horrible.

My baby had this for up to 6 months. Between 6-9/10pm she would cry unless he was rocked, in my arms, rocker or pram. It was very hard times. But it will pass. It gets better and routine get more obvious as they get older.

Thank you, I think I will go back and ask for omeprazole. Did you try changing milk or anything?

We've just been told repeatedly that she's been through a lot and let her find her groove but honestly, needing to constantly (ans I mean literally 18 hours a day) attend to her and entertain her to stop her screaming is killing me and I feel like I'm letting her down.

It's awful isn't it.

She kicks off around 5 usually (is oddly quiet at this moment though!) And without constant rocking in arms would scream until 1am. The routine has helped ans she is happy in her bath, or if we are actively playing with her on her playmat. She needs a LOT of bouncing g to get her to sleep, I'm talking around an hour of me in a dark room bouncing and shushing and about 3 attempts before she settles down and sleeps. For weeks, this was 4/5 hours buf its gradually coming down.

Then she will do 3/4 hour stretches through the night, waking for feeds in between.

Theiygiut the day the only break I get is if she's in her carrier where she will happily rest, but my body is in absolute agony from the constant carrying and bouncing.

Sounds so much like my cmpa baby. Reflux is often a symptom of cmpa. I'd ask to trial a dairy free milk.

I stopped after 1 baby because I found it so traumatic! My dd (now an angel at 6) screamed blue murder for the first year. She was utterly miserable. As was I. GP and HV both told me babies cry and she was fine. I went SO many times during her first year.
Found out she had CMPA and ergo silent reflux. (had a rather alarming reaction around her first birthday, so saw paediatrics and dietitian) cut out all dairy and soya from our diets, added omeprazole and within 3 months I had a different child.
Do not doubt yourself, you are doing a cracking job! Also keep bothering GP.
The over feeding, erratic sleep, volume of crying- it all points to reflux and possibly an allergy/intolerance

If any consolation, DS3 screamed from being born in August until December. I had to hold and carry him constantly. I would call the paediatrician from the car going “can you hear this” 🤦‍♀️

I lived in Europe and many people told me to take him to a cranial osteopath, and I wish I’d tried it. Worth a shot?

The solids separate in the stomach to keep them down. My refluxy puker threw up just the water, choked and went blue.

Gaviscon forms a gel like layer on top of the stomach contents to stop them coming up.

My ff dd was a cluster feeder - every hour in the evenings. Read about cluster feeding, it may fit. Also try using a sling after feeds to keep your baby more upright, and raise the head of the crib with a couple of books to keep the stomach acid in the stomach.

Sorry just another one adding to the list of "that sounds like my CMPA and reflux baby".

Also struggled to get anywhere at first as he was piling on weight as he wouldn't stop comfort feeding. The GP told me I was causing it by over feeding him and I should not give him milk even if he screams.

Funnily enough all his symptoms went away once he was given omeprazole and switched to CMPA formula. I say this sarcastically because the same GPs who told me "that's what babies do, it's normal, you're a first time mum, it's hard" repeatedly as I begged for help just shrugged when the CMPA was diagnosed and said "oh I didn't expect that."

Gaviscon never did anything for ours. Omeprazole was the only thing that stopped his reflux pain. The CMPA milk solved all of his other symptoms. I assume there's a reason you're sure it's definitely not CMPA but they can still give omeprazole for the reflux.

If you go down that route be aware that it needs adjusting as they gain weight and that it can initially g eat worse before it gets better.