I'm fucking it all up, aren't I?

[Upsidebrown]

I'm mum to a 12 week old baby and i do not know what I'm doing.

My baby has been poorly a few times (needing hospitalisation) and I feel like she's gotten off to a really terrible start and I'm failing her as a mum for several reasons.

I can't establish a decent routine. The earliest she's ever gotten to bed has been 9.30 because she screams from teatime onwards every night. Its been a battle getting her to bed before 1am, to be honest.

She feeds almost constantly. She's FF as my milk dried up due to issues establishing feeding in the early days (due to early health issue). She now feeds a lot more than is recommended for her age, little and often, meaning she screams for good probably around every 2 hours during the day (3/4 hours through the night) and it is the most piercing, pained scream that comes from nowhere. We therefore have to feed on demand and there is no way to schedule or predict how much or how frequently she will feed, which makes me feel chained to the house. We get out every day but she rarely seems to enjoy anything and just screams for food after about half an hour.

She has in the past two weeks started being a bit more alert and will manage 10-20 minutes on her play mat where she giggles and smiles and plays, but after any minor effort she just screams to be fed, even if she only ends up taking 20-30ml of a feed its like she's dying of hunger.

We have absolutely no daytime routine re naps and she will only nap in her sling, not in her crib, moses basket or in her pram. She screams in her car seat and after about 20 mins in the pram. She doesn't enjoy songs, stories or her bouncy chair. She needs constant engagement, holding and attention and I feel like I'm messing her up in some way by not knowing what to do.

The only routine we've ma aged to implement is a vague bedtime routine (bath, bottle and bed) but the daytimes are the wild west.

My.mum just died so I have nobody to ask for advice, HV just told me to feed on demand and not to expect a routine - is this right?! I feel like I'm letting her down and her life is chaotic, but I'm not sure if this is just normal for a 12 week old.

Sounds like silent reflex.
Try anti reflux formula remember to change teat to faster flow as it’s thicker consistency. Feed upright and keep upright 20mins post feed when possible

Any chance she has a tongue tie? You are not failing at all. My HV recommended we try an 'eat, play, sleep' routine from around 12 months - no sticking to timings or anything like that, just the order of things. I think it helped me more than my baby, to make me feel like I had any clue what was going on 😂 but I appreciate this could be difficult if your baby wants little and often feeds.

Thank you, this is broadly how I've been approaching my days!
Had her checked for TT with gp and at hospital, none to be seen. She's always sticking her tongue right out at us so I'm inclined to believe that that at least is fine!

Mum of 3 here, first two brilliant routine just fell into place I thought I was a natural. Baby 3 complete opposite, he dictates routine, which to this day can change, doesn't eat well, sleeps at all random times, 12 weeks is still so so young. My baby is now 2 and thankfully I'm not in work so I just roll with it and have his day sack prepped for every eventuality. Bit by bit it does slot into place. Don't compare. I genuinely believed I was a gifted routine goddess till my youngest showed up.

Please don't get stressed, the more you expect/ want it all text book or like the other mums whose babies seemingly fit the traditional pattern, the harder it is. All people are unique and so are babies.

This is totally normal

Colief in the milk might help

Please don’t blame yourself. It’s ok to feel broken. Everyone does when they have their first child. It’s hell. Honestly complete and utter hell.

I think you have to try and think about there’s no such thing as ‘normal’. Say for example in your pregnancy you might have breezed through, or you might have found it incredibly uncomfortable and someone else the complete opposite. I try to think the same about the babes. If you imagine how you felt when your organs were rearranging themselves as you grew, this little thing is doubling in body size every couple of months. That sounds painful and annoying to me. And they can’t rearrange the sofa, move into a better position or know how to relieve any of this discomfort. More likely just exhaust themselves to sleep and hope it feels better tomorrow. It’s very similar to what you’re going through. You’re going to be fine. Both of you. I promise.

I have two DC with cmpa. Dc1's only symptom was lots and lots of screaming like you'd describe..couldn't go anywhere in a car seat, couldn't use a pram, just screamed all day and evenings were horrendous.

Dc2 happy as larry but had nappies filled with blood and eczema.

So don't think that because you don't tick all the boxes cmpa isn't the issue.

How often does she nap? At 12 weeks she will be screaming if she is awake for too long. With my first she also fed little and often. Then I used to rock her while she screamed until she fell asleep.
I think (from my sample of two babies!) that it starts to get a bit better from 12 weeks.
Don't stress about routines, it doesn't matter.

Just wanted to post and say you're doing fine. Babies breastfeed almost nonstop at this age and DD1 didn't have any kind of routine until 9 months. DD2 a bit earlier around 4 months. Best advice I was given: just take care of baby and don't worry about anything else at this stage.

We were a routine because it worked for us, I took our baby out daily so I wouldn't go crazy and our baby just tagged along with what ever we did

We knew to the minute when to feed (I ff) and had routines for everything as it worked and we stuck with ot religiously, no idea what should have happened or not it just got us through it

You are actually doing a great job ... your baby is only 12 weeks and everything you have said sounds normal... your mam just passed so you are feeling lost but take it from me and I've four kids you are being a great mother xxx it's hard at that age but it'll get better

Also look into acid reflux ... my third boy had that and it sounds like your baba might have that x

I always thought I knew what a fussy baby was.After all, I’d had 2 and was aware of the hideous witching ‘hour’ and pacing with a crying baby. Then my friend had her second and called me in tears asking for help. That evening/night me, her sister & her Dad all tag teamed this screaming baby who squirmed, kicked and could not be settled-I had never seen anything like it! I’d helped another friend with her 26 week preemie who had silent reflux (amongst other things) but I’d never seen a baby so inconsolable as friend 1’s! She never got a diagnosis but her baby just changed overnight after a few months. What I’m trying to say is even the most experienced Mum would struggle and people will tell you it’s ‘normal’ when they haven’t got a clue! I agree that you should try everything mentioned but you’re not going mad; it sounds like you are having a far tougher time than some other new Mums. The screaming baby turned into the most placid, loving little girl, so hang in there, things will get better 💐

This but I wouldn't start with alfamino. It is probably the most allergy free formula on the market but you won't get it on prescription without having tried an extensively hydrolysed formula first.
They are less expensive and more palatable and as they contain little bit of dairy broken down it's better to keep this in their diet if it can be tolerated.

Extensively hydrolysed formulas are things like pepti, nutramigen and similec alimemtum. Find your trusts preferred formulas and see if you can find their initial formulas on Amazon you can find quite a few of them there. The pepti is £30 for 800g where as alfamino is £35 for 400g. If you don't get on with an extensively hydrolysed definitely ask for alfamino

This is probably a really obvious question, and sorry in advance if it sounds stupid, but are you burping the baby enough?

OP you are doing a brilliant job. You are responding to the cues of your baby and taking her needs seriously. Routines can wait.

Whilst little and often feeds can be normal, it does sound like reflux. Gaviscon isn’t the best, but it’s cheap so it’s usually the first line for prescribing. Ask for omeprazole. And try to get a laxative prescribed alongside just in case.

There is also a bit of an advantage to a baby who’s not big on routine - it means you can be more flexible as a parent. Mine would never nap at the same time and absolutely never in their cot. So I never felt bad about going out into the afternoon - They were just as likely to fall asleep in the pushchair on an outing as they were to take a nap at home. More likely, actually. Cot was really not their favorite place. Ditto seeing friends and staying out late. Either they’d show signs of falling asleep and we’d put them in their pushchair or on a cushion/mattress on floor/carrycot or they’d stay up with us. Or we’d take them home at 10pm and they’d probably fall asleep on the way home. Zero guilt for not tucking them up in their own bed at 7:30 since that never ever worked anyway.

I haven’t read all the replies but my dad died when my little one was 12 weeks back in September! And we were just in survival mode I was down at my dads and husband at home working coming down on days off! I thought I was over feeding her too but here we are 6 months on and she’s brilliant still trying to claw out some kind of routine but we’ll find our groove I’m sure!

You have so much in your plate so just take the small wins- everyone fed and no one dead was something said to me in the midst of it which has really stuck with me!

Don’t underestimate what massive changes you’ve experienced- it’s only dawning on me now how much my life has changed irrevocably in the last 6 months!

Sending massive hugs

Haven't read the replies so sorry if I'm repeating others, but no new mum to a 12 week old knows what they're doing. Everyone's still just starting to figure it out at that stage.

I'm a big routine person, but in my experience you can only start getting them
into a routine around 3-4 months. And a very loose routine at that. I found the huckleberry guides helpful in establishing a routine. I think SM has a lot to answer for too - babies have moments of cheerfulness & smiles, but they're certainly not like that all day.

Our first was a super hungry, clingy baby. We had twins 22 months later and I still say the newborn stage was harder with him. It's exhausting. On top of that you've just lost your mother so I can only imagine how difficult it's been.

The bit that sticks out to me is the not drinking much at a time but being v hungry, and also waking up screaming. Are you winding him/her? And are you definitely getting all the wind up. This was something I underestimated, and how long it can take.

You're doing a great job.

Reminds me of my baby. He had silent reflux. Only thing that helped was changing to kendamil goats milk and lansoprazole. After a week on both a happy baby. Good luck x

You seem reluctant to feed on demand, is there any chance your baby is just hungry and needs more milk than you’re giving? Does she finish all her bottles?

As your health visitor said feeding on demand is 100% recommended for babies of this age. I understand the attraction of trying to get her into a routine so feeding times become more predictable but I think you need to let go of that for a while.

Hello, I've just created an account after hanging around on here for ages, because I wanted to give you a virtual hug and say that you are doing so much better than you think you are. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum - my mum was diagnosed with a terminal illness and passed away not long after my little one was born, so I have some idea of just how awful it is, and I want to send my solidarity and sympathies. I'm not a medic, so can't give you advice, hopefully others can, but I can tell you that my little one used to scream A LOT, hated the sling etc. She grew out of it eventually. But those first 6 months were eye wateringly hard. So, so hard. You're doing so much better than you know.

Oh, and she didn't have a routine till much much later. And went to bed really late, which we weren't expecting.

Thank you so much everyone.

To respond to a few qs, I'm not overly attached to the idea of her being in a daytime routine - I just feared it was something that would be beneficial to her and I was somehow neglecting to do it through lack of knowledge/experience. I do want a bedtime routine though and we are slowly getting there.

I am really not opposed to feeding on demand either, it just makes it harder to leave the house or plan things because she needs a warm bottle and I'm not confident prepping them without the prep machine as she goes from quietly sleeping to screaming in about 20 seconds when hungry, so we couldn't wait for a hot feed to cool in the same way. I can get away with using the ready prepared feeds bur she doesn't really like them.

She doesn't always finish her bottles. She should take 6 oz per feed atm but hardly ever does, she instead might take 150 over the course of the two hours that the bottle is good for., then 40 mins later will be hungry again. She feeds about 12-15 times in a 24 hrs period.

We are going to ask the doctor on Monday with support with reflux.