I'm fucking it all up, aren't I?

[Upsidebrown]

I'm mum to a 12 week old baby and i do not know what I'm doing.

My baby has been poorly a few times (needing hospitalisation) and I feel like she's gotten off to a really terrible start and I'm failing her as a mum for several reasons.

I can't establish a decent routine. The earliest she's ever gotten to bed has been 9.30 because she screams from teatime onwards every night. Its been a battle getting her to bed before 1am, to be honest.

She feeds almost constantly. She's FF as my milk dried up due to issues establishing feeding in the early days (due to early health issue). She now feeds a lot more than is recommended for her age, little and often, meaning she screams for good probably around every 2 hours during the day (3/4 hours through the night) and it is the most piercing, pained scream that comes from nowhere. We therefore have to feed on demand and there is no way to schedule or predict how much or how frequently she will feed, which makes me feel chained to the house. We get out every day but she rarely seems to enjoy anything and just screams for food after about half an hour.

She has in the past two weeks started being a bit more alert and will manage 10-20 minutes on her play mat where she giggles and smiles and plays, but after any minor effort she just screams to be fed, even if she only ends up taking 20-30ml of a feed its like she's dying of hunger.

We have absolutely no daytime routine re naps and she will only nap in her sling, not in her crib, moses basket or in her pram. She screams in her car seat and after about 20 mins in the pram. She doesn't enjoy songs, stories or her bouncy chair. She needs constant engagement, holding and attention and I feel like I'm messing her up in some way by not knowing what to do.

The only routine we've ma aged to implement is a vague bedtime routine (bath, bottle and bed) but the daytimes are the wild west.

My.mum just died so I have nobody to ask for advice, HV just told me to feed on demand and not to expect a routine - is this right?! I feel like I'm letting her down and her life is chaotic, but I'm not sure if this is just normal for a 12 week old.

And we ALL think we fuck it up - and we don't. You aren't either.

Noone is a wonder parent - all we can do is our best at any given time. You don't have to be perfect, some days we aren't good parents- but as long as we're "good enough" parents that's ok.

My mantra for those days is last thing at night (even at 1am) I repeat my checklist: All fed, none dead, all in bed. And that's good enough for today.

You're the best parent for your baby, even on the days where you don't feel it.

The screaming and constant feeding sounds like severe reflux.

Oops I pressed send too soon, sorry OP! OP, most babies aren't in a routine at twelve weeks. I have a five month old and honestly her routine is all over the place but I don't beat myself up because babies change every day and it's tough! But I do think some reflux or maybe CMPA could be at play here. They feed loads to soothe their oesophagus with reflux but of course it makes it worse.

You need to be a bit kinder to yourself, 12 weeks is still very young and most babies are not into a routine at that stage. Try to forget about establishing one, and one day you will just kind of realise you have one without planning. If your baby wants held, hold her. It’s a million times worse if you have recently lost your mum. Everything will be ok

Honestly you’re doing fine. With my first I didn’t have a clue and thought I was doing badly but he settled into a routine quite quickly. My second comes 11 years later and I didn’t have a clue again! But this time around I’m not hard on myself. She is 2 and still isn’t in a routine. They’re all different. Just breathe and know your doing the best.

Also OP an amazing book I can recommend for helping you get through this time ie 'What mothers do'. Really validating and encouraging.

A 12 week old baby does not follow a routine, you just go with the flow, and it sounds like your doing great ❤️ not sure about ff but have you tried a dummy? Babies suck for comfort so maybe isn't actually hungry, just a guess. Maybe talk to your health visitor about the feeding x

Sounds like my reflux baby. The hardest of my three by a mile. Gaviscon and Omeprazole didn’t help here. Eventually grew out of it.
None of mine were in a routine at 12 weeks and they were probably around 4 months before they went to bed at 7.30/8.

Also nearly all mothers question themselves and wonder if they are doing a good job. You’re not alone.

All. Totally. Normal x

Thank you all, I feel validated enough to go back to the GP and ask to be taken seriously. I only say no to CMPA as she has 0 symptoms aside from reflux, no rash or diarrhoea or wheezing but I've filled out the CMPA questionnaire to print and take with me to the GP regardless.

She will take a dummy for about 60 seconds before spitting it out.

Also reassuring re routine, everyone I know seems to ha e some semblance of a feed g or sleeping schedule bur mine is in total chaos despite my best efforts and I just want to cry.

I promise you, you are not f*cking it all up. You're doing a brilliant job even though it doesn't feel like it. I've never managed to establish a routine with any of mine pre 6 mos. It's a slow burn to get there. Just be kind and take each moment as it comes. You're doing OK. Trust me

Honestly it's just rinse and repeat at that age

Feed, change, sleep

Feed, change, sleep

Don't worry about a routine, this is the only time in your life you don't need one!!!

At the point of diagnosis my daughter only had reflux as a symptom. It was only retrospectively we realised she had loose stools. She has 20 food allergies! Same GP that told me categorically it could be a reaction to my milk praised me for figuring it out on my own! Thanks!

Sounds like silent reflux. She's wanting to feed a lot to soothe the pain and that's why she's not losing weight. My little boy was on omoperazole or something but k think it's been withdrawn now. He was like a different baby after it.

In terms of a routine, would you prefer her to be in a routine?

At 12 weeks I felt the same as you and in desperation I bought the contented little baby book by the (mn hated) Gina Ford.

It honestly changed mine and my dds life, I felt much more in control, dd fed and slept much better.

I realised in hindsight that dd needed a lot more day time sleep than I had assumed, she also needed a quiet, dark room to sleep well in (she wasn't a baby that would just sleep anywhere.)

I also found that having timed feeds meant that dd fed better and never got to the point of having to demand a feed as that need had already been met iyswim.

Yes do push them OP. Sometimes you have to be extremely assertive.

I would encourage you to bring in information eg NICE guidelines for your area for suspected CMPA as well as symptoms from the allergy uk website etc.

If they refuse to trial CMPA milk or treat with reflux medication, ask them to specifically document in the notes that you have requested and they have declined and their reason.

In the end I just kept returning and seeing different GPs until one of them agreed to humour me by trying.

I felt so angry afterwards like I had lost so much time enjoying my baby. He was so different afterwards and he could have been that all along.

His main symptom were constipation and reflux although he was also very difficult to wind but would get a lot of trapped wind and that got better too. And I know there were a couple of other things we noticed looking back but I can't actually remember now.

The whole thing was honestly traumatic. It's difficult to explain to someone how emotional it is once you can lay your child down on their back without them screaming. We were doing everything upright - sleeping in a sling, changing nappy upright etc.

If not CMPA, consider have they been checked for tongue tie? It often gets missed especially if it's at the back. If there's any clicking when feeding or coming on and off the bottle or just seeming to drink strangely I would look into that too.

I am going to go against the grain on the omeprozole. I was fighting tough and nail for it as desperate and a doc called me and said if it was my child I wouldn’t.

Hate to ask the obvious but have you tried a dummy. That helped my boys reflux no end!!!

She will take a dummy for about 60 seconds before spitting it out.

Sorry just seen this. Try another one. Keep trying dummies until you find one she likes.

I am sorry for your loss OP 🌺 it must be so hard not having your mum at this time. I have only read your first post however what you’ve described sounds completely normal for a newborn baby and you’re doing a great job. Super normal for them to go to bed around the same time as you for the first few months. I didn’t establish a “proper” routine until my youngest was about 6 months and it sort of fell into place on its own. Both DS1 and DS2 had a witching hour every evening, except it wasn’t an hour, it was from about 6pm-midnight. The usual feeding, rocking, bouncing didn’t console them and we used to pace the house with them. It gradually got better between 14-16 weeks. Hang in there xx

Stop! She's fine, my doctor told me not to worry about routine till school time!! Honestly till they go onto solids and have set meal times it doesn't settle down.

You need to enter survival mode .... which is you do what needs doing and worry about nothing else. Basically look after yourself so you can look after her. It's hard but before you know it, it will get easier. Hang in there and be kind to yourself x

Also by baby was really unsettled like this but got better about 4 months when he was more upright . It will pass, I was in denial it was colic but probably was x

I think this thread illustrates the issue - some people think it's normal and some people think there's a clinical reason. I just feel utterly broken

Jesus Christ woman, have some compassion for yourself. You've just had a baby, your child has been seriously ill and your mother has died.

Any one of these things is enough to overwhelm someone and you are standing after all three? You're a walking, beautiful miracle.

If you want to try switching to a new baby milk that is hypoallergenic (so wont trigger dairy or soya allergies) there is one called Alfamino available on Amazon. If you try it at home and it works, you can go to the GP and ask for it on prescription as it is crazy expensive. It also wont give the GP a leg to stand on if you have tried it and it works. I would push for both a hypoallergenic baby milk and omeprazole together to try and sort it out properly.