I'm fucking it all up, aren't I?

[Upsidebrown]

I'm mum to a 12 week old baby and i do not know what I'm doing.

My baby has been poorly a few times (needing hospitalisation) and I feel like she's gotten off to a really terrible start and I'm failing her as a mum for several reasons.

I can't establish a decent routine. The earliest she's ever gotten to bed has been 9.30 because she screams from teatime onwards every night. Its been a battle getting her to bed before 1am, to be honest.

She feeds almost constantly. She's FF as my milk dried up due to issues establishing feeding in the early days (due to early health issue). She now feeds a lot more than is recommended for her age, little and often, meaning she screams for good probably around every 2 hours during the day (3/4 hours through the night) and it is the most piercing, pained scream that comes from nowhere. We therefore have to feed on demand and there is no way to schedule or predict how much or how frequently she will feed, which makes me feel chained to the house. We get out every day but she rarely seems to enjoy anything and just screams for food after about half an hour.

She has in the past two weeks started being a bit more alert and will manage 10-20 minutes on her play mat where she giggles and smiles and plays, but after any minor effort she just screams to be fed, even if she only ends up taking 20-30ml of a feed its like she's dying of hunger.

We have absolutely no daytime routine re naps and she will only nap in her sling, not in her crib, moses basket or in her pram. She screams in her car seat and after about 20 mins in the pram. She doesn't enjoy songs, stories or her bouncy chair. She needs constant engagement, holding and attention and I feel like I'm messing her up in some way by not knowing what to do.

The only routine we've ma aged to implement is a vague bedtime routine (bath, bottle and bed) but the daytimes are the wild west.

My.mum just died so I have nobody to ask for advice, HV just told me to feed on demand and not to expect a routine - is this right?! I feel like I'm letting her down and her life is chaotic, but I'm not sure if this is just normal for a 12 week old.

Thank you so much, your message made me well.up. my mum was diagnosed the day I found out I was pregnant and I looked after her throughout my pregnancy and even in the early days following birth I was taking her to appts and visiting her in hospital, she was my whole world and I don't know what to do without her. She's the one person who I know would make me feel better and who I would have been able to ask for a bit of practical support and my heart hurts constantly without her. I'm so sorry you lost your lovely mum too.

I also really appreciate hearing about your LO too. I think as long as I know I'm not damaging my baby or getting it wrong and that it's just something she will grow out of like your LO I could cope. It's feeling like it's my fault that is rhe hard thing, you know?

It's really not your fault.
I'm sorry about your mum op. My mum was amazing when my dd was born but had died before I was pregnant with ds and I just missed her so much in the baby stage (and every stage!), so I can appreciate a little bit how you're feeling. And it's rubbish.

But just as your mum did a great job with you- the love she showed you as she raised you - you will do the same with your little one. And that's how they live on, really, not just in our memories, but in how we bring up our children.

@Upsidebrown we take the little cartons of premade formula out in the change bag and she just has that at room temperature if we’re out and about!!

You can mimic the prefect prep when out by taking a thermos flask of boiled water and another flask of cooled water. For 5oz we used to do 3oz of boiled water and 2oz of cooled boiled water. If we were anywhere with a kitchen I would ask for a cup of boiled water and used that instead of the flask.

If no one’s mentioned Nuby rapid cool then that’s what you need. We had a perfect prep. Never ever used it. Rapid cool is so much faster. From kettle to perfect temp in less than a minute.

@Upsidebrown that sounds incredibly hard and I can feel how much you loved your mum. She must have been very special.
There will be so much emotion from the baby hormones and the exhaustion, plus the feelings from losing your mum at the moment, and that will make everything seem so much bigger and scarier. Things are absolutely 💯 not your fault. Not at all. Again, I have no idea how your little one will grow and change, but I can tell you that they will change!!!! That's pretty much the only guarantee. So the bits that are really really hard at the moment will change. I found that useful to hang on to at times.

Oh and yes, nuby rapid cool all the way. I breastfed, but my nct friends swore by it. And they mostly had 2, because it has to cool down again, so just meant they could make another bottle straight away if needed. Amazon sometimes has then on offer.

I think you have too much focus on having a routine when she is still so little. A routine will come but is still early days.

Thank you. I think I've been too focused on other people and their perfect baby routines.

Can I ask re the nuby rapid cool - how does this work?! I've literally made 0 bottles not using the prep as my baby has never ever been able to wait for a kettle to cool for 30 mins and I can't predict her feeds to do it ahead of time. I always thought I would use @Superscientist method of mimicking a prep by using hot ans preboiled water if I had to make feeds on the go.

My understanding is you need a hot shot of water first to kill the bacteria but you can't use boiling water as this kills the nutrients, is this right? I don't understand what the nuby does but I've seen a lot of people recommend them.

Only read the OP but mine slept midnight till noon for the first 2.5 years.

She’s now 13 and able to get up for school every day (despite being a dyed in the wool vampire like me).

Don’t stress about routines. Not all babies want to/can sleep at 7pm. It’s a very British expectation.

I was also on my own with her 5.5 days a week with zero outside support so picked my battles. Whatever got us through the day (and night) was what we did. No need to put so much pressure on yourself and stop yourself enjoying your baby.

I haven't heard of boiling water killing nutrients except some that have probiotics in so have to prepared with room temperature water. I was in hospital when we started on formula and the nursery nurses used to make the bottle with all boiling water and it would take years to cool to drinking temperatures!

My son was like this when he was born and it turned out he had a terrible case of GERDS. The first pediatrician made me feel horrible but the one we switched to was amazing and got him medication to help. He never really slept more than two hours at a time for 2 years and had to eat every single time to manage his condition. We had to also start feeding him rice cereal early on the help ease his pain. It was rough but he is a happy, healthy 21 year old now. You love your baby and are doing the best you can. We all feel like failures at times, but if you are doing your best that is all that matters.

With the rapid cool, you make it like you would normally but it cools itndown really quickly. So if you're out, take a flask of boiling water, and a couple of pre measured out powder feeds. Then you add the water and the feed to the rapid cool flask, shake it, and it cools down really quickly. Something to do with a new type of material that transfers heat quickly, but I'm not a scientist! Means you can make up the feed safely, but then you don't have to wait for hours for it to cool

Random thought but have you tried a mamaroo 4 chair? It was the ONLY thing that I could put my DD in that she wouldn't cry in (other than being in my arms)

It also would rock her to sleep - sometimes took hours of rocking, but at least I got a rest while the chair rocked her to sleep 😂

@OneMoreTime23 thank you for this our little is like this and I was starting to worry as no one else has (or admits to it) a baby that goes down so late…. Night owl like us I guess !!

So funny you mention this, my friend gave us her mamaroo for this very reason and my LO haaaates it! I'm going to keep trying though!

Thank you for the info re nuby rapidcool I did watch some YT videos which helped! I can't find a conclusive answer about preparing FF with boiling water killingnutrients though

Honestly, I loved having her around in the evening. And when DH was home he got to see her properly too. We could go out for dinner etc. Worked so much better for us.

She could no sooner sleep at 7pm than I could. So why stress over it?

I hadn’t actually framed it like this- you are my saviour!! DH does mental shifts so really if she went at 7/8 he wouldn’t get to see her I’ll just have to continue it to plan anything in the morning 🤣

I also use the rapid cool and if I'm on the go, I take the rapid cool flask, a flask with boiling water, and a measured amount of formula in the little tub.
I fill the bottle to 7oz of boiling water (or whatever you need) then add the formula and swirl a little.
Tip the whole hot milk into the Nuby and turn upside down and shake as if you would a normal bottle and the light will go an emerald green colour. Then tip back into the bottle and it's done.
I used to do a hot shot method but there's no need, this works perfectly for us and have used it on many holidays at home and abroad with my 11 month old.

I also wanted to say in response to your original post - you're not a bad mum whatsoever. You're in a really tough part and you are doing a fab job - keep it up! I could have written your post 9-10 months ago and people told me it gets better. And it does. It's all a learning experience! But we get there in the end x

I used to get up at about 9, shower, empty the dishwasher, stick some washing in then take her - fast asleep - to a baby class with my NCT friends at 10:30, which she would sleep through and then we’d all decamp to a coffee shop for several hours. Their babies would fall asleep and mine would wake up. 😂

They were all very jealous of the lie ins I could have when theirs were getting up at 5am. But they wanted their evenings to themselves and you don’t get the penny and the bun.

The witching hours (6-9pm) are horrible. This was the worse part of first year. I would have so much anxiety around 5pm as I knew what was coming. As I had to rock him all the time. I ended up using a rocker or pram in the house. I was in tears most nights. I was lucky to have my family to help me rock the baby

I think definitely discuss cmpa and reflux with your doctor.

I promise you this will pass... just give it some time!

I've not read the other replies but I can promise you you are everything your baby needs and you're doing a wonderful job of it. You're in the thick of it, it's exhausting and tough and not all that rewarding until the smiles and giggles come, but I promise it gets easier. You're doing amazingly.