I'm fucking it all up, aren't I?

[Upsidebrown]

I'm mum to a 12 week old baby and i do not know what I'm doing.

My baby has been poorly a few times (needing hospitalisation) and I feel like she's gotten off to a really terrible start and I'm failing her as a mum for several reasons.

I can't establish a decent routine. The earliest she's ever gotten to bed has been 9.30 because she screams from teatime onwards every night. Its been a battle getting her to bed before 1am, to be honest.

She feeds almost constantly. She's FF as my milk dried up due to issues establishing feeding in the early days (due to early health issue). She now feeds a lot more than is recommended for her age, little and often, meaning she screams for good probably around every 2 hours during the day (3/4 hours through the night) and it is the most piercing, pained scream that comes from nowhere. We therefore have to feed on demand and there is no way to schedule or predict how much or how frequently she will feed, which makes me feel chained to the house. We get out every day but she rarely seems to enjoy anything and just screams for food after about half an hour.

She has in the past two weeks started being a bit more alert and will manage 10-20 minutes on her play mat where she giggles and smiles and plays, but after any minor effort she just screams to be fed, even if she only ends up taking 20-30ml of a feed its like she's dying of hunger.

We have absolutely no daytime routine re naps and she will only nap in her sling, not in her crib, moses basket or in her pram. She screams in her car seat and after about 20 mins in the pram. She doesn't enjoy songs, stories or her bouncy chair. She needs constant engagement, holding and attention and I feel like I'm messing her up in some way by not knowing what to do.

The only routine we've ma aged to implement is a vague bedtime routine (bath, bottle and bed) but the daytimes are the wild west.

My.mum just died so I have nobody to ask for advice, HV just told me to feed on demand and not to expect a routine - is this right?! I feel like I'm letting her down and her life is chaotic, but I'm not sure if this is just normal for a 12 week old.

Hey what milk did you end up on ive tryed all prescription milk, anti reflux milk, hipp comfort and now kendermil organic from today. My 16week old couldn't digest the omeprazole or gaviscon. He's piling on weight, but still back arches and crys often with gas pains and wind. Pead said to ween which as some what helped but still unsettled most of the time

@Crunchingleaf sorry forgot to tag your name left a message above.

Which allergy free formulas have you tried and have you tried any other thickeners. They are after very thin and cause reflux in babies without reflux.
There are also other ingredients in the formulas that they can react to. My daughter has a coconut allergy and the only formula she could have was alfamino.

My daughter has particularly tricky reflux to manage. To get to remotely under control she needs a combination of high dose omperazole, gaviscon and domperidone which is a medication which helps to speed to the emptying of the stomach. We also had to remove all 20 of her food allergies from her diet. She is 3 and weaning did naff all to help her reflux and she still have awful reflux at 3 and is now under 2 paediatricians for it! We had to tackle both the reflux and the allergies together and got no where when just treating the reflux or just the allergies. She was inconsolable fairly permanently up to 5 months when we started better reflux treatment and her allergies were under control. She went to semi permanent fussiness with some moments of loveliness and others items on inconsolable until 9 months. Since then she has been a happy thing during the day. This coincide with her starting to standard. Over nights she is still fairly unhappy except in rare time that her medication is controlling her reflux.

Do double check you have had all of the amino acid formulas. Try something like magic mix /carobel/ thick n easy instead of gaviscon and ask about domperidone. It can only be prescribed by paediatricians though

@Rigbysoor he was breastfed and I tried to change to formula but he refused point blank to take a bottle until he was 6 months old by which time it had started to improve. He is now two and there is no sign of allergies to anything since weaning.
Once he was able to sit up unsupported it improved his comfort levels and his mood.It was a gradual improvement over time.
I would say the reflux was still there until he was around 12/13 months.
I know someone that would make up bottles by gently stirring with a spoon because if she shock the bottle to make sure it was heated properly or all powder dissolved her child would be in agony with gas pains.

Another "this was my CMPA and silent reflux baby" person here. DD didn't have any other CMPA symptoms but within a week of switching to prescription milk she was a different baby.

I shuddered at your description of having to hold her upright constantly, bounce her endlessly to get her to sleep, constantly desperate to feed but just taking a little bit, the endless screaming... I remember it so well and honestly it genuinely almost killed me (and I'm not exaggerating, I made a plan to end my life but was thankfully stopped in time by my HV). It was the worst time of my life and being repeatedly told by GPs "babies cry! she's been through a lot! she'll settle down!" was just soul-destroying. It isn't normal for babies to be like this.

She constantly wants to feed because her throat is burning and the milk soothes it. But it also makes the reflux worse because of the dairy allergy so it's a vicious circle. That's also why she wants to be upright and will only sleep in the sling, and why you have to bounce her into submission when it comes to sleep time. It's hell. Please keep pursuing it. Demand the CMP-free milk. It will be hard at first because she won't like it, but eventually she'll give in and things will get so much better.

@Superscientist hey thanks for replying he was on nutramigen and got really bad then alfamino with and without carabel for 4weeks same for neocate but 2weeks wanted 9oz bottles 24/7 alot of clear fluid comes up bubbles at the mouth, wheezing,coughing, gulping and pooing every feed during and after. Had blood in Stool twice in one day bright blood not dark doc said was from the c+g reflux milk rushing though the system too quick. The day he was born he took 40mls of cow and gate first milk and vomited it all back 10mins later only just manged to do his first 20mins befire the the 24hours was up. The first 3weeks of being born on anti reflux cow and gate was 30-40 bright yellow and green runny poos aday servere back arching when being burped sewer smelling trumps and rumbling tummy he screamed for 12hours striaght most days and nights. We tryed omeprazole for a week and he pooed out the seed bits, magic mix we have just tryed but 5weeks on comfort and he was getting worse again. He did go on aptamil reflux milk for 5weeks caused him to have very bad bowel problems. Changed bottles loads,tryed dentinox,infacol you name it seems to irritate him. He can only have variflow teats as the free flow make him gag and gulping and struggle to handle the milk and he drains bottles in 2mins. Pace feeding and little and often has done nothing either. I have 5other children who had reflux and manged on either the milk or gaviscon. Iam literally so close to having pnd, probably already do to be fair. He sleeps along time at night propped up from half 10 11 until 4-5 am but its takes some doing to get him to sleep but every feed is servere back arching struggling to slow his feeding down and his gulping fluid or spitting it out. and curdled milk sick since kendamil started last night. Literally just looking at going private. The pead wouldn't even see him only phone call with the NHS.

@Crunchingleaf your friends baby sounds mine and I've switched to kendamill organic and its so frothy. I've been stirring it but cant add thickener to it because magic mix needs shaking quite abit so would cause him severe gas pains which smell horrendous and bad slit up hes only on bottle 4 and already to starting to poo during bottle or after which he wasn't doing on comfort but still had bad pains. We are weaning under pead and doc just porridge twice a day on day 4 now. He comforts eats so much hes 16pound right now and a+e said he's over feeding, which i already know so cut him back that was the 23rd of December and he's still no better. He's had all this since day one of being born. My other children all had reflux but more projectile not silent like him, so gaviscon and reflux helped them and weaning early. He has no cues they are the same so I don't know if he's teething refluxing or tired ever. His cry is always a pain high pitched cry so never know anything its so hard.

@Crunchingleaf@Superscientist to mention too on reflux milk his poos went from watery frothy green/yellow to white/grey clay type. Kendermil bottle 4 has brought wind, servere hiccups and constant need to feed. Not sire what to do or switch to at this point, this hasn't even been 24hours yet. Feel to do what I did with my other children make feeds up in advance and 5ml sryinge of either rush or porridge with each feed lol. Now hes the size of a 6month not sire where to go with him.

@Rigbysoor sounds like you have tried a lot!
My daughter didn't get on with omperazole until she reached 3 mg/ml and it often takes a few weeks to see the effect. It might be worth looking into lansoprazole it's similar to omperazole but you little one might get on with it better. It's more soluble so you might have less issues with the beads. My daughter needed domperidone to get her reflux close to managed. It's a drug that increases the emptying of the stomach so the milk isn't for as long. It can only be prescribed a paediatrician.

I would avoid carobel to be honest. My daughter was allergic too it, it's quite close to soya in terms of proteins so you can get cross over from dairy to soya to carobel allergies.

I would suggest variflow teats to everyone with bottles so no great problem that this what you have settled on. We did variflows as we were quite late into the transition to formula at 10 months and it was a closer mimic to the breast. We used lanisoh bottles I don't know if they are ones you have tried.

It does sound like there is some allergies there but probably like my daughter can only result in improvements when you have adequate reflux and allergies treatment. My daughter has 20 allergies and I had to remove 40-50 foods from my diet to find a path through. I ended up in a mother and baby until with treatment resistant depression so definitely can sympathise with your situation and the tole it takes on your well being.

How is you HV? My HV was brilliant and for along time was the only person that was listening to me and not telling me reflux was a washing problem. We saw her every 2 weeks for a while mostly for moral support.

Oh my goodness, this sounds so, so difficult. I am so sorry for everything you and your LO are going through. I can't even imagine how tough this would be. Please keep us updated. I can't blame you for going private

We went to see the GP who said ours sounded more like colic rather than reflux and that we need to try carobel and gripe water for 2 weeks and if no improvement they will refer us to paeds for an omeprazile prescription. Here's hoping 🙄

I rarely post but just wanted to send a massive hug and tell you you're doing an amazing job and it will get better!! Sorry I've not read the whole thread, there's probably some good tips and suggestions posted by others, but just wanted to tell you my story in case it helps at all.

My LO was so similar to yours, she screeeeeeamed pretty much solidly for months, I lost my Mum just before I found out I was pregnant. We ended up in hospital a few times with LO for other health issues so we saw lots of paeds as well as GP and none of them seemed worried, they said it was colic and she'd grow out of it. Still we tried so many things - switched to dairy free formulas but no change so not CMPA, gaviscon did nothing. Also tried feeding upright, keeping upright for 30 mins after feeding, raising crib at one end, colief, gripe water, infacol, probiotics, you name it. Nothing worked. I had no routine, she would only nap in the sling, if she was awake she was crying, I was trapped in a nightmare. I threw away the "What to expect the first year" book we'd bought cos she wasn't doing anything but cry all the time and the book made me feel like shit and that I was failing at everything. But then suddenly, at 15 weeks, she just stopped crying. No idea what happened, but it did stop. She's now 18 months and things so are much better. Maybe if we'd put her on omeprazole it would've helped, worth a try for your LO! But hang in there, it will get better💐

Thank you so, so much. This gives me so much hope!