How old is too old to co-sleep??

[Crazydoglady04]

My partners little girl is 6. She started staying with us every weekend when she was 3 and has had her own bedroom since she was 4 and has slept in her own bed at our house since then. Around the time of doing up her bedroom we spoke to her mum who said she still slept in bed with her, but she was going to decorate a bedroom for her and get her in her own bed before she started school in September.
Fast forward over 2 years and she still co-sleeps with her mum/nana/grandad at home and still does not have her own bedroom.
Everytime they go on holiday and we don't see her for a week we go back to square one of getting up repeatedly for hours in the middle of the night because she refuses to stay in her own bed.
So my question is, what age is too old to co-sleep? We feel like 6 is a bit too old now, and she should be able to self sooth and fall asleep on her own which she cannot do. Her mum says she doesn't want to upset her daughter and she'll start sleeping in her own bed when she's ready.
The most important thing to us is that she has consistency but we seem to be on very different pages with her mother.

That comment was aimed at a PP who was acting like an expert on safe sleep but in the same breath said she moved her 6yo son into his own room at 8wo.

Even if she had her own room at mum's, she could still be difficult to settle at yours. Changing houses every week is stressful for anyone, let alone a barely-school-aged kid. You assume you'd have it easier if her mum followed your routine. It's not a fact, it's just an assumption. Also, mum is trying to make this little girl's life easier, not harder, by offering her comfort. Some kids are nervous by nature and prone to nightmares/anxiety/sadness/fears at night. Try to emphatise a bit more with your stepchild. She's only little for a short time. And yes this is coming from someone who equally struggles with bedtimes with my 5yo who is fearful at night, alone in his own room, no matter what comfort and safety we offer him. It's a process and there's no right and wrong age.

I don't know if we are of the same generation but it's the same here. The one mother whose 3-year old wouldn't go to his own bed was regarded as an oddity

Coming onto MN has been an eye opener, and seeing how parenting styles change and often revert too. The older and bigger the child, the less room there is in bed and the less comfortable for both, and they're such fidgets!

As for OP's question- it seems a far greater age than was the norm in my day so be prepared!

On MN people are more honest than in real life. Parents of now adult children knew how judged they would be and many weren’t honest at the time. i think you would be surprised how common it was when your children were small. It’s the same with breastfeeding beyond a certain age, people keep (and kept) quiet in real life so it seems rarer than it is.

I find my older children much less fidgety in their sleep than my younger, funnily enough.

@Abracadabra12345 I'm in my fifties and co-slept but my Mum would have been judged for letting me so it wasn't common knowledge. I'd sleep in my friend's beds and they mine at sleepovers so it wasn't a problem as I wasn't alone and afraid.

The 70s/80s/90s were harsher times. I remember being left in cars and sitting alone in pub gardens by my Dad and this was fairly normal. I wasn't ever hit by my parents but my school friends were regularly slapped for being naughty. I had one friend whose Dad hit their hand with a bamboo cane as punishment. I'm so glad intuitive parenting is now the norm and wonder if this is because parents tend to be older when they have kids nowadays. My parents were early 20s in the 70s and my husband's were teens in the 60s and we didn't realise that we were watching them grow up at the same time that we were growing.

You read some posts and think “well i don’t wonder that no one opened up to you about cosleeping at the time…”

I think they must be the same people who say extended breastfeeding is for the mum not the child. Basically implying mothers are creepy paedophiles who get some kind of kick out of nourishing and caring for their children. It is an incredibly warped view of parent/child relationships.

Oh god yeah! Trust me, I would love a child who slept properly by himself 😂 I also stopped breastfeeding at just over two years. I did it for him. I then stopped it at two years for me as that was long enough. I still felt guilty stopping! Most mums I know who do both do it out of anxiety about doing the best for their child.

Also my child turned out to be autistic. I knew there was something else and I’m very happy I followed my gut and let him cosleep. I think it’s one of the few things that have helped him.

Mine stopped around age 7. I miss it.

I'm clearly at outlier:

I've discouraged cosleeping since day 1. Swore I wouldn't/couldn't end up in a situation with a child always in our bed

Exceptions are when he's sick, in the middle of the night after a scary dream, and when we're travelling and staying somewhere unfamiliar/new. Otherwise, no, the expectation is that he falls asleep in his own bed. There was a time when I could just close the door after saying goodnight, but for the past year or so wants me in the room with him. I do that.

He's just turned 5 BTW. I read the OP thinking the Mum was nuts, and then read all the replies .... I'm a little stunned TBH

I cannot believe the comments on this post. Surely it’s the norm to get children used to sleeping on their own in their own beds? How do they manage overnight trips with school etc if they can’t sleep on their own???

I'm another outlier 😁

My dd was 19 when she last snuggled in with me. She'd been on holidays with school and friends for about five years by then, no problems. I breastfed until she was 4 years 3 months (the numbers on my keyboard are working again!) and now, at 41, I don't breastfeed her. She fed her baby for 4 years and 9 months, and still co sleeps (hyphen is playing up) with my dgd aged 12.

We don't care if you think it's creepy. I think the people who won't comfort their children are inhuman.

There’s a very vast difference between not wanting to co-sleep with children and being inhuman and not comforting them. What a ridiculous thing to post.

I never wanted to co-sleep. I wanted my children to be independent sleepers. And they are. It’s wonderful. I put them to bed, we have a cuddle, do our ritual goodnight and I walk out of the room and close the door. I next see them awake 12 hours later. Bliss.

DS was 11. Though, she should have her own bed at her age so she has the choice.

There’s a very vast difference between not wanting to co-sleep with children and being inhuman and not comforting them

From my perspective, it is exactly the same thing. Babies and children are not designed to sleep alone.

I mean, I did this too, I can't sleep with DS in bed with me. But I don't think that it's weird to co-sleep, I just think it's not for me. I like my space and have a wriggly child who gets too excited at being in my bed and doesn't actually sleep. If he happily slept and we didn't wake each other up I wouldn't mind, although I prefer us all in our own beds.

The point is more that if the OP's SD's mum is happy with it and SD is happy with it, and it works for them, then that's fine at six.

Better complain to whoever designed my child then, because he sleeps much better alone!

Go on I’ll break the mould 😂
I wouldn’t want a 6 year old co-sleeping with me on a regular basis. My 3 year olds had chicken pox this week so has ended up in our bed the last 2 nights (screaming in pain, poor thing) tonight she starts trying to negotiate why should should just be able to go to sleep in our bed. We politely declined. Sometimes in the morning she gets in for a hug, no issue with that but we don’t want to make a habit of her sleeping in our bed. That’s what could easily happen. We all sleep much better with our own space (including her before you ask, both children sleep through at least 12 hours in their own beds unless something happened) . I’m exhausted after the past few nights and can’t continue to sleep with the sprawling kicking child while I pass out eventually in the smallest corner of the bed. Can’t even read as the light disturbs her! As others have said children are super wriggly and excited in our bed and wake up a lot more in the night and a lot earlier in the morning. If my 3 year old wakes up in the night in her own room she sticks a tonie on and goes back to bed 😂.
My 10 month old is super clingy and she has to fall asleep on someone and be transferred to bed. This can take several attempts and a fair bit of time. She’s also a light sleeper so sometimes needs to be redone if she’s disturbed. This barely ever happens but has this week with the eldest screaming all night due to the pox. She would love to co-sleep! I would not!
I think you are doing the right thing by reassuring her but sticking to a routine. I do however think you are on a loosing battle with the Mum. You can’t force her to provide a bedroom and routine for your SD. So you do you but accept that she will also do whatever she likes.

None of you are outliers at all.

It’s completely normal to cosleep

it’s completely normal never to cosleep

what’s not normal is judging other people for it either way, and assuming all sorts of horrors occur if people do things differently to you

I don’t think 6 is too old but if it doesn’t suit your household then be consistent and make sure she stays in her own bed.

Yes this. What her mother does is up to her and it really does not matter at all what the general consensus of this thread is because ultimately it’s up to her how she parents her child.

I forgot what the initial post said sorry but I saw another one saying that SD is with you for 2 nights a week. If this is correct then I’m sorry but I just don’t think you can be asking the mother to adapt her parenting for your convenience. I understand being a step parent can be hard to get your head around but one piece of friendly advice I’d give you is to just let the birth mother parent their child how they wish (so long as no harm is caused of course). It’s not really up to you to decide whether she is mothering her own daughter correctly, certainly not with this example anyway.

I hope you get the answers you need, and you do seem to be well intentioned, but please don’t approach the mother with this because I don’t know how well it would end.

(I do agree it would be nice for her daughter to have a bedroom done for her though).