How old is too old to co-sleep??

[Crazydoglady04]

My partners little girl is 6. She started staying with us every weekend when she was 3 and has had her own bedroom since she was 4 and has slept in her own bed at our house since then. Around the time of doing up her bedroom we spoke to her mum who said she still slept in bed with her, but she was going to decorate a bedroom for her and get her in her own bed before she started school in September.
Fast forward over 2 years and she still co-sleeps with her mum/nana/grandad at home and still does not have her own bedroom.
Everytime they go on holiday and we don't see her for a week we go back to square one of getting up repeatedly for hours in the middle of the night because she refuses to stay in her own bed.
So my question is, what age is too old to co-sleep? We feel like 6 is a bit too old now, and she should be able to self sooth and fall asleep on her own which she cannot do. Her mum says she doesn't want to upset her daughter and she'll start sleeping in her own bed when she's ready.
The most important thing to us is that she has consistency but we seem to be on very different pages with her mother.

That must be difficult being the middleman.

I don’t know your situation but I hope you are doing that because you want to and not because your partner wants other people to take on the mental load for him.

It must be hard for you in your position and I think it’s probably easy to overthink things.

So long as the daughter is cared for, safe and loved in each household, it doesn’t matter if things are done differently. Not sure if anyone has mentioned parallel parenting but it might be worth looking up.

I had a major upheaval in my life when I was eleven. Started sleeping in with my mum again. I used to tell myself it was to make her feel better, but it was for both of us.

Mine can sleep alone. Sometimes they chose not to and come into my bed.

They manage school and other trips fine.

My dd coslept (her choice) with me until she was 11. Then her older sister (18) moved out and she moved into her room and never slept with me again 🙄

A child 6 yrs old is fairly young still.
Having their own bed definitely does not guarantee the child will sleep in their bed... or sneak into parents' bed through the night anyway.
Bedtime battles range in ages, my friend is 9 years old, and still does...my child younger still refuses their bed.
It's a war and oeaxe issue in my house.
Being involved with children requires no hard set rules or should be.
Perhaps like me, it works unlike a set bedtime, then that's another thread!
Why, how and when this is all over, it will be another challenge I bet.

This really surprises me, I didn't realise how different my family was and its not something I have ever questioned. If you don't have a bedroom for the child that is a different matter but in my family we have always had our own room and put to bed in our own room where we were expected to stay from being a toddler onwards. Bath, bedtime stories with lots of love and hugs (in our own bed, and then lights out - well depending on the age obviously.

This was how I, all my cousins and friends were brought up. The transition to our own bed was like potty training , it was an expectation and each child differed as to when they achieved it but as soon as they could they would be in their own room even from being a babe in arms - otherwise what do you do if you have multiple kids? Buy a super king size bed? What about intimacy with your partner?

Their bed, their bedroom is the default in my world. Co-sleeping is allowed/welcomed when they are ill or have had a bad dream. Or maybe something upsetting has happened.

As a child (before I could walk) I had my own room or shared a room (not a bed) with my sister. If say I woke up during the night, I would generally just roll over and go back to sleep. If I woke up and was scared/ upset due to a bad dream or I felt ill, I would get out of bed, bypass my sister who was in the same room and crawl in between my mum and dad. As a child I obviously had the ability to teleport myself back to my own bed😁, as I would frequently fall asleep cuddling one parent or another but still manage to wake up in my own bed.

As kids get older (late teens onwards) there maybe odd nights sharing for basically the same reasons or just for bonding, fun sharing time i.e. cosying up in bed etc whilst on holiday to watch a film or catch up. And then there have been cold nights, were we have cuddled up for warmth (Ok - get the violins out)!

Never realised this wasn't the norm.

So I totally get the OPs feelings but without mum being onboard, its a difficult one.

My daughter is 10 and still sleeps in bed with me. She is so frightened to sleep in her own bed. She is diagnosed with autism. If she did sleep in her own bed I wouldn't get any sleep, but your partners ex needs to break the habit now like I should have or like myself it just goes on and on year after year.

My DD is 7 and goes through stages of wanting to co sleep. Sometimes she will fall asleep in my bed and when DP comes to bed he’ll move her to her own bed. Sometimes she will make up some imaginary pain in the middle of the night to climb into my bed. Sometimes she’ll sleep great in her bed. She has a beautifully decorated bedroom of her own, but she’s a sensitive mummy’s girl and I’m never going to deny her cuddles.
My eldest DD co slept til she was 4 and only got in with me if she was poorly after that.
I don’t remember sleeping with my DM as a child, but quite glad I don’t have that memory as she was an abuser. Maybe that’s why I’ve given my DC as much of my love and time as they need and want, even if that means I don’t get a decent nights sleep with DD wriggling all over my bed!

Our 6-year-old co-sleeps, but in his own room with DH or I alternating nights with him. We'll stop when he doesn't need us to any more. He has a super-king-size bed, made up of 2 singles with a mattress topper, so everyone gets enough space/sleep. I'd struggle if we were all in one double!

I'm pretty certain if it was the other way round and the mother was needing to reset each week then something would be said to you and dh. I personally think 6 is a little too young to be concerned however, consistency should be met between the 2 houses, that way, dsd can't try to play both parents off against the other for her own benefit, and kids will if they can. I think dh should be the one to speak to dsd's mother as she may not appreciate it coming from you. On a side note, if you and dh decide to have children it might be best having a more structured bedtime with dsd. You don't want the risk of having a small child foot or arm flapping around a baby bump while your trying to sleep.

Here we go... Thousands of years and hundreds of cultures who sleep in groups vs parenting manuals.

The answer is, there's no right or wrong on this. And you're unlikely to change the mothers view whatever yours is. So if you want to be consistent you have to do what she does. Or accept rules are different in different houses and have different rules at yours. Children know the rules are different in different places (eg the library v soft play, or grandma's house v school) and can cope perfectly well.

Your family isn’t very different - there are loads who do what yours does and it is very normal. Just as there are loads who cosleep every night, also not unusual. It’s always good to understand that different people do things differently and it’s neutral, not better or worse, it just works differently in their household.

My son has always co-slept, since he was a baby. I gave up trying to get him to sleep in a cot. I was breastfeeding so it was easier and better for my mental health to just pop a boob in his mouth and go back to sleep. He breastfed until he was 3 and self weaned.
Now he is 5 and gets put to sleep in my bed and I’ll join him with dog a few hours later. DH is in the spare room, which I personally prefer as I don’t like sleeping in the same bed as him anyway. He snores and has made no effort to do anything about it. So even if DS sleeps in his own bed at some point, DH is staying in the spare room. I’m sticking with the dog 🤣.

I’d actually love to see a manual written by the many cultures who have slept in groups for hundreds of years vs the ones written very recently for these parenting manuals! If the former exists then someone please let me know!

Because in my (limited) knowledge (and if someone here is an expert in this field then feel absolutely free to correct me), human infants are born far more prematurely than other mammals infants, and human babies brains are the least developed of any other primate. Supposedly, the brains of baby animals are almost completely developed, whereas it is known that the human brain can take around 25 years to fully develop.

Yet as far as I’m aware, no one expects baby / young animals to sleep separately to their parents to encourage their independence, nor judges said animal parents for allowing their children to sleep too close to them. And an animals instinct is for survival. As is a humans.

I know this thread isn’t in relation to animals vs humans. But if this is the case, why are we expecting our babies to separate from their caregivers at such a young age (and 6 is still young), to be able to “self-soothe”, to not seek that security and comfort from the only place they can really get it from at such a young age, their parents.

Encouraging a child to sleep in their own room is one thing, and I do think it’s important that a child is provided with that option and has the ability to make the choice. But I’m pretty sure (and would hope!) that no child co-sleeps with their parent forever.

And personally I would always allow the option which seems best (at the time) for my DC over my own convenience, whether that’s their own bed or mine. I do enjoy a better night sleep when they choose their own bed though 😂

I don't think it's particularly unusual to co-sleep at 6. In my unscientific poll of school mums of 7/8 year olds this morning almost all of the children co-sleep on some occasions either unwell, nightmares or similar with some cosleeping all the time.

The challenge here is that you don't feel comfortable doing it rather than that mum doing it. Neither of you are wrong. It's just something to navigate, kindly together. Putting pressure on mum is unlikely to result in a good outcome for anyone.

Instead think creatively about how you can build a sense of security - could she sleep in her own bed in your room? could daddy stay with her until she falls asleep? Could you get her a special teddy who will watch over her and send mummy's love and hugs to her?

I think would be normal for most children until much later.

OMG. this is like nightmare for me. & after reading some comments I am defo the weird one of this topic. I absolutely dislike sleeping with kids & strong believer of having own rooms, My daugther who is very independent has had her own room and bed since she is 1 ( double bed so I dont have to buy one until she is 20) She was in the same room with us as baby due to being close for napping , feds etc, but after that I gave her my bed with my smell and she never ever had any issues and I got a brand new bed, She is still in that bed ( 9 now). A couple needs intimacy, sleeping alone, talking, be a married couple! and so does the child. One thing very dif is that the child is ill, poorly, sad etc in that case I volunteer for us sleeping together or if her dad is away we do sleepover etc. BUT a daily thing? NO thanks, also putting people to do it like grandparents, etc is a bit odd for me. Kids also are horrible sleepers, kicking, talking, moving around etc, Adults having awful sleeping due to this. This topic for me is like kids is prams when they are 4. Sorry not sorry . I understand I might be coming from a cultural background ( Im latin American & husband is from US) so we strongly believe in Space & independence. BTW , the bond between us is incredible and she is extreamly loved & spoilt but for sleeping NAH AH. everyone is their own room. I also need to add that THANKS to this, she can go abroad and sleep in dif rooms alone or shared, goes to Camps abroad when they sleep one week without parents, can stay at absolutely everywhere. Has always put herself to sleep, YOTO BOX stories, Books at night, singing. I go in, kiss her goodnight and leave, always been like this and I am so so so so Happy I did.

Are you guys kidding me? Your children who are as old as 8 or 12 still co-sleep? And you wonder why we have insecure adults lurking around? As soon as a child stoos breastfeeding they have no business sleeping in your bed especially if you people are married. What time do you have cuddling with your partners?

Well that’s ridiculous. What if you and your partner separate?! Take a step back from it and let them sort it out. Don’t do his work for him.

Just to clarify, I'm pro co-sleeping. I hate parenting manuals. But I support a parents right to decide what works for them and their family. Even if it's Gina's hideous timetable.

@Whyohwhywyoming I completely agree it's ridiculous, as does everyone else involved. When they split she blocked him on everything, he tried mediation she refused. Communication went through their parents for the first couple of years and now it goes through me instead. We've tried numerous times, she just won't budge with it atall. If we're in a situation where they have to be around each other she will pretend he doesn't exist. It's exhausting

I agree with this.

Once they are school age (ish) it’s a bit odd to me unless they are unwell. Bed time and morning snuggles are different and my teens still do this occasionally to have a chat. It is more for the parent’s emotional benefit in a lot of cases.

I would encourage Mum to at least sort a bedroom for her. Not sure you can force her to change her habits if she isn’t ready to.

gosh you’re a bit lacking in imagination if you can’t figure out when a couple might be “cuddling”

this is the kind of nonsense I mean about people dreaming up horrors when others do things differently

You’re not weird. Your views are completely mainstream.