Parents - Do you think people without children have missed out?

[Pshop55]

So this is for parents only! I want to know if you feel that people without children are missing out on a big experience/feelings/joy & ‘don’t know what they are missing’ and be honest! No one is judging just want honest answers as we have been talking about this tonight, obviously everyone’s answers are just their own opinion before anyone gets offended!!

Yes, although it’s not something I give thought to, but if I was to, like now, then yes, the joy of being a parent, the love, is unsurpassed.

Yes

It's not an experience which can be substituted with say a pet or even a loving partner. Being a parent is a unique journey. As with all journeys there are some good parts and some bad parts.

And no I don't think any other kind of love is comparable

No

Having just had a yell at the teenager about her inability to bring plates down and use bins or wardrobes (she is asked nicely at least 5 times before anyone clutches their pearls) they are definitely not missing out.

This is after spending nearly £400 at the vet because she left chocolate out and the dog may have eaten it (she didn't, it was down the side of her bloody bed, and yes some of her xmas money is going towards the vet bill).

In fact, is it to late to sign up for a child free life?!

No they haven't missed out, yes a lot of joy but also a hell of a lot of worry that never ends in my experience , and my kids are good ones so far ,no police ,no drama etc.
I do pity any one desperate for a child who can't have one for whatever reason but those who choose not to can live an equally fulfilling life often with a lot less stress.

Thanks for the replies, all interesting to read!

I guess the argument we are having over here is.. can people without children really know they aren’t missing out as so many parents say after having kids that they didn’t realise the joy, love, happiness etc they would bring.

How did your gut instinct/judgements pre children line up with post children?

Yes I think they are missing out. I think they miss out more as time goes on and the dc get older.
But then I think reproducton is a biological imperative and our reason for being here.
Sure they get a nicer lifestyle in the short term but longer term they miss out on such a unique relationship.
I also think it changes you as a person for the better and that is something childless people find hard to comprehend.

I didn’t know I could feel these emotions’ until after they’ve had the baby?

These comments are, in my opinion, complete bollocks. I absolutely 100% adore my children with every fibre of my being. I would literally lie down and die for them.

Nonetheless, pre children I still understood that emotion - and once realised I would jump in front of a bus for my nephew. I also am not always convinced that this is a healthy emotion, for me. It ensures the survival of my children when they are being unbearable, so I guess there's that.

I know lots of people who take part in extreme sports or whatever and sometimes they say that I don't know what I'm missing. And you know what? I'm 100% fine with that. Just like I think it's 100% fine for people without children to feel completely relaxed that they are NOT missing out on anything.

Whatever we do in life we miss out on all the things we didn't do instead. I have brothers but no sisters - have I missed out? Yes, in that I will never know what it is like to have a sister... but would she have been better than my brothers? Who knows. I don't care, because I'm happy with what I got, and I'm sure it is the same for child-free people who are happy with their lot.

For people who very much wanted children but weren't able to have them, they will be much more painfully conscious of what they missed.

Yes and no. I can’t explain a love like it, the feeling of my heart physically growing with each child. I’d never felt like that before children. The happiness they bring me can’t be compared to anything else I’ve experienced. Even from the simple things like this evening chasing them around the house after bath time and they’re all in hysterics. And the kisses, cuddles, laughter. They just make me so fulfilled.

But then again, I also know this isn’t for everyone. And i’m sure people who chose not to have children find their joy else where. I think everyone has their ‘thing’ in life - I always wanted children. Others wanted to be famous, high flying career, travel, love, wealth etc. but for me children was always the most important. So I think saying someone is missing out is a bit self centered, as not everyone wants this.

Well, the human experience is so broad that we are all missing out on something. As a parent, I'm missing out on lots too. And I'm not feeling bonded to my kids right now.

I can’t speak for other people. For me, having children has been the greatest joy of my life so I definitely think I’d have missed out if I hadn’t done it. But that’s me with my particular personality and preferences- I certainly don’t think it’s one size fits all and know that people can have equally meaningful and joyful lives without children.

I always thought I'd have children, but not as young as I had them (I was 21 and 26...38 now)

We never planned our eldest and we weren't set up financially, work wise or in any other way.

My expectations were LOW because I thought it'd be hard to establish ourselves, however I was pleasantly surprised and found it easier than expected. I also think DD was a great motivator for us.

I would also say I always felt I'd be a good mum (and tbh I think I am) because my own mum was decent and I just did things more or less how she did.

Yes, definitely. But that doesn’t mean that it’s the right or better choice, which a lot of people on this thread seem to be confusing it with.

Having and raising a child or children is a completely unique and intense experience, if you don’t do it you are missing out on all the good that comes from it. I haven’t found it hard to continue enough of my ‘old’ life, and whilst being a parent doesn’t define me it definitely has brought me a focus and a drive which I am so grateful for. Not to mention, the biggest love in the world.

This.

different choices so different life experiences.

i wouldn’t be without mine but my cousin is child free by choice….good job, earns & saves a lot, holidays a lot, great social life etc & doesn’t “miss out” i like the idea of her life to an extent bit it would never be enough for me as i always wanted kids.

I think I would have been missing out if I had not had children. It's an experience I'm really enjoying. But that's not applicable to the entire population.

So probably some people without children are missing out and some aren't. As there's no way of knowing who's who, there's not much point going any further really.

Everyone is different and I think it depends really on what you want.

It took us a long time to have DD and I was desperate for children. I felt I was missing out on a huge amount, and now she's here that is confirmed to me. Being a parent is wonderful and she brings so much joy to our lives.

She also takes away a lot of the freedom to make other choices, so we do miss out on other experiences and ways of life.

I am happy with my choice, but equally I'm sure there are child free by choice people who are thrilled with their choice.

If you have what you want in life, hopefully this feeling is minimal, but for those who don't have what they want (either direction) it is/can be very hard.

What a pile of shite. And I say that as a mother.

Shall we reel off many disgusting people who were also parents? Do you think they were changed for the better?

All the kids being abused by their parents or their parents allowing abuse. Do you think they were changed for the better?

Do you really believe you can only be hanged for the better by having kids? What about all the criminals that are also parents? How do you account for them?

What’s unique about your relationship with your child? Not the biological relationship. Not that you carried them because let’s remember a lot of parents didn’t carry their child. What exactly makes your relationship with your child so unique to other relationships?

100% they have missed out... they've missed out of sleepless nights. Lucky buggers.

Yes and no.
Yes because there is no comparison to how you feel about your children and the pure depth of those feelings, you simply don’t feel that way about partners, friends, siblings etc. There isn’t a comparison.

I’ll caveat that with saying of course not all parents feel like that and not all parents have the same parenting experience- but typically.

And I don’t think generally people without kids have enough to think about or do, all of the ones I know are super self indulgent. Not that it’s a bad thing but having kids makes your life less about you, at least for 18 years, the extent of the lessons you have as a parent is far reaching. Most childless people don’t have the equivalent, some obviously do, but most don’t.

But no if you’re talking day to day are they missing out, I don’t think so. Childfree life must be awesome day to day.

I feel like that’s impossible to tell!

I knew it would be the hardest thing I ever did but I didn’t know how I would cope with it . But I’m very glad I did and I keep wanting more!

There are plenty of people who would make terrible parents and absolutely would hate the whole experience of having and raising children. So no, I don’t think people who actively choose to not have children are missing out. It’s probably a good decision; if you don’t want them, you’d likely not enjoy having them.

I think I would have missed out if I'd not had kids. I really wanted them and would have been sad not to have. But I don't look at those without children and automatically think they are missing out.

The choices or paths we take in life often mean other paths become closed to us. We don't all have to be on the same path to have the most fantastic journey.

I think that whatever you do in life (in anything, not just having children or not) there are things you miss out on.
There are things I miss out on in having children. There are things people without children miss out on.
In an ideal world, everyone makes the right choice that means that for them, anything they may miss out on isn't as good as the things they gain through their decision.

Not having children clearly means that you miss out on the specific experience of raising children, however not having children may lead to missing out on other experiences - parents may have less free cash, less free time, miss out on work, travel etc opportunities.

Have (a) kid(s)? Great!
Don't have or want (a) kid(s)? Great!
Want (a) kid(s) but struggle to have them? That must be really really hard.
Have kids but regret it? Also really really hard to cope with, I imagine.