Parents - Do you think people without children have missed out?

[Pshop55]

So this is for parents only! I want to know if you feel that people without children are missing out on a big experience/feelings/joy & ‘don’t know what they are missing’ and be honest! No one is judging just want honest answers as we have been talking about this tonight, obviously everyone’s answers are just their own opinion before anyone gets offended!!

This is the original comment. As you can see, OP is quoting me.

I'm not sure why OP's comments were removed which clearly is a response to my quote.

In that case, I apologise OP, but your posts are very familiar to me,especially the part about the child free missing out.

It doesn't read clearly to me. However, I apologise, OP, for misunderstanding.

No worries 👍🏻 I think it’s a common worry so I wouldn’t be surprised if others have said the same tbh

I thought I had read that then couldn't see it so thought I had misread it! It's a bit strange to take a step and then say you font understand why anyone had taken the step? Unless you were cajouled into it by a partner?

Turns out I misunderstood. See SouthLondonMum22 clarifying upthread.

In some ways yes. I think they miss out on a stage of life in a way. Nothing has made me mature like having kids. I find some childless people sort of stuck in a suspended youth. Still worried about the sorts of things you worry about in your 20s decades later!

They miss the joy which I think is really unimaginable until you have kids. You can imagine the bad stuff. The exhaustion. The financial strain. The pressure on you relationships. But you can't grasp the good stuff.

However, they have freedom. The freedom to pursue their interests, travel and not care about leaving anything behind. You do give a lot up when you have kids ( unless you are moneyed). This is not easy and there's a lot to be said /gained by a simper life.

But surely you’re being quite prescriptivist about the kinds of things you’re ’supposed to’ be worrying about at certain life stages? Or indeed what you think people should be doing at certain life stages? I read on here about people getting married, buying a house and having two children in their twenties (and sometimes then coming on here and saying ‘is this it?). I spent my entire twenties as a graduate student in two countries, interspersed with a period living in a commune in the US, living on fresh air, scholarships and singing in a piano bar. It was a great time, but do I think everyone should spend their twenties living on tips, toast and student stipends, because it was good for me? No!

I don’t think there’s a life stages timeline people need to follow, or that there are things which are ‘appropriate worries’ for someone in their twenties that somehow become inappropriate in their 40s. But then I think I’m much the same person as I was before I had DS.

I don't think people who choose to be child free miss out. The term "missing out" implies that it is something they wanted and can't have.

I would say that they haven't experienced being a parent.

I haven't experienced bungee jumping because it is something I never want to try but I'm not missing out on it.

I find it highly offensive that you suggest that people without children spend their lives just worrying about the trivial matters of their 20s (not withstanding that someone in their 20s may have dealt with some extremely challenging issues). As an adult without children (and no extended family) I worry about:

• Looking after my aging parents and coping with their eventual deaths.
• Finding ways to manage my own aging without children including, finding a suitable Power of Attorney, wondering who I can appoint to make health and welfare decisions for me.
• Organising and paying for my own funeral (no family to do this for me).
• Work – I am currently in a highly stressful job which I hate.
• Supporting my partner should we encounter any health issues (he has no family either).
• Loneliness in old age (or loneliness at any age really).

😁No idea how that happened, sorry, as you were

Ooh! I thought that was an odd comment. As you were then. Font want a child, don't have one. No need for angst about missing out. We all miss out on something or another.

Yes I think they're missing out!

This thread has got more complicated than just having a kid and bringing it up for 18 years 😳

It’s not that easy for people I guess before having kids because it’s difficult to really KNOW if you want them without experiencing it. It’s like going on Oblivion at Alton Towers and deciding you don’t like it once you go over the edge! There’s no going back.

I understand some people just know they do or don’t want them, I’m just speaking my mind for people who don’t know but are trying to imagine it. Most things in life you can just go for and readjust later on if you don’t like your choices. Children you can’t.

But having kids is a big part of life for a lot of people so FOMO is going to be common for people who are ‘on the fence’

The thing is you will never be able to imagine what it would be like for you because each child is different and each experience is different. Even if you have children you conceive a different mix of DNA in March than you would in April so could get an 'easy' child or a child with severe disabilities. It's an absolute lottery and ultimate leap of faith. I would say if you are so worried about not liking parenthood then a bit of FOMO is not nearly as bad as living a life you don't want and cant get back. If it's a choice between thinking ' I wish' with a child snd 'I wish' without, then 'without' is by far the safest and most sensible option.

I have had a wonderful life - I've lived abroad in interesting places, travelled to many more interesting places and had a successful and fascinating career. I can honestly say that being a mum to my dd has been the best thing I've ever done, though, so on one level, I guess I think people who don't have that are missing out. On the other hand, I don't think everyone who has children experiences being a parent in the same way. My closest friend massively regrets having children, for example, and probably feels that she is the one missing out on the child-free lifestyle.

It's a massive gamble either way, because everyone's experience is different. I know people who didn't have kids and now desperately regret it. Equally, I know people who did have kids who wish that they had remained childfree. And I know people in both camps who are entirely happy with the choices that they made.

Unfortunately, life doesn't come with any guarantees. We all just have to make whatever choices we consider to be the best ones at the time when we're making them, if indeed we're lucky enough to get to make choices at all. And then we have to live with the choices that we've made, so it's probably sensible to focus on the positives in whatever situation you find yourself in!! Regret is a totally pointless emotion if there is nothing you can do to change things!

That's probably b ecause you wanted children.

I posted this upthread:

I don't think people who choose to be child free miss out. The term "missing out" implies that it is something they wanted and can't have. I would say that they haven't experienced being a parent.

Short answer no.

Long answer. No absolutely not!

It is very familiar to those of us who don't have children. We get it all the time. Surely it's good that people are not blindly going into such a huge life changing and irreversible thing rather than seeking other people's experiences from both sides of the fence?

Still worried about the sorts of things you worry about in your 20s decades later!

Erm, over 50 and I certainly wasn't worrying about the following things in my 20's..

Menopause
Mortgage rates
How much the council tax will increase next year
Wrinkles
Should I stop dying my hair
My elderly father is feeling unwell, what can it be
My pension
My partners pension
Should my partner take VR and what will our lives look like after

And that's just in the last hour since I got home from work 🤣

In contrast what I thought about in my early 20's generally revolves around whether I can go out clubbing after that shift. When will I get a chance to sleep. Exam stress (junior doctor). Will I ever make consultant? Will I ever be able to buy a place on my own?

Well said! It's extremely narrow minded to say someone has missed out on something they didn't want in the first place. I took a year off to travel around the world, I think all people should do this ... but for some people they might not want to. Ironically travelling is actually fun, having children not so much! 😅 I have a child myself, and while I love then more than anything else and now understand that special kind of love , I don't actually think that my life is necessarily better or I would've missed out if I didn't have them, I was living a really fulfilling life before I had them and in many ways have found a child has made things worse, not better.

@Dazedandfrazzled Round the world trip it is then!

I have always wanted children and the love that I have for my 2 year old cannot be compared to anything else I have ever felt. My life is so much better with him in it and I absolutely love being his mum!!
But I have always enjoyed being around children, I enjoy baby/toddler classes, I feel that I was made to be a mum ect. If you don’t like kids and won’t give them the love and attention that they need then you shouldn’t have them