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Original poster

Parents - Do you think people without children have missed out?

376 replies

Pshop55 · 06/01/2024 19:25

So this is for parents only! I want to know if you feel that people without children are missing out on a big experience/feelings/joy & ‘don’t know what they are missing’ and be honest! No one is judging just want honest answers as we have been talking about this tonight, obviously everyone’s answers are just their own opinion before anyone gets offended!!

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Icelandic9 · 06/01/2024 20:55

Pshop55 · 06/01/2024 20:11

Thanks for the replies, all interesting to read!

I guess the argument we are having over here is.. can people without children really know they aren’t missing out as so many parents say after having kids that they didn’t realise the joy, love, happiness etc they would bring.

How did your gut instinct/judgements pre children line up with post children?

can people without children really know they aren’t missing out

I'm my opinion, no. You cannot really grasp what it's like to have children until you have your own, the good and the bad!

We've all been there before we had kids, judging parents, thinking we would do it so much better, not understanding what they were moaning about.

They you have them and you eat your humble pie and realise what an idiot you were.

Comedycook · 06/01/2024 20:55

I will say though I think a lot of parents feel like they have to say that having children is awful in order to make those without children feel better and so that they don't look smug.

coxesorangepippin · 06/01/2024 20:56

If you have a lot of money, no

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WandaWonder · 06/01/2024 20:58

Absolutely no, why on earth would I? People do need to complicate things

It is not like having a holiday in Tenerife and if you don't go you are missing out

Yes some people can't have kids but for the ones that do they choose do others choose not too

There is good and bad with each choice

FijiSea · 06/01/2024 20:59

No , not at all.
So many benefits to being child free , so much free time.

Sometimeswinning · 06/01/2024 21:01

Sususudio · 06/01/2024 19:47

No. This is the kind of thread that gives parents a bad name.

Not really. Childfree have the same chat often. I mean a lot!!!

I would have completely missed out by not having mine. I did want them though and they’ve all been pretty spot on.

NotToYou · 06/01/2024 21:01

Greycottage · 06/01/2024 20:32

Yes.

I have lots of childfree by choice friends and acquaintances and I would never say it.

But YES, massively.

There is truly no joy in life like your sweet soft toddler cuddling you, kissing you, telling you repeatedly they love you. Climbing into bed for a cuddle and just saying “mummy. Mummy” repeatedly in a happy little voice while holding your face. When you can tell they love you so much it’s like they want to climb inside your skin to get as close to you as possible. Annoying at 5am? A bit! But the joy, pureness and fulfilment is unrivalled.

Same with having an older child tell you they love you spontaneously, or tell you “I just want to hang out with you,” or watching them emulate your hobbies because they look up to you, or watch them become the fantastic unique person they are. Their face light up when they spot you in the audience at the school play. It’s a joy and a privilege.

I always see childfree by choice advocates/influencers argue “you can’t say there’s no greater love - I love my partner and my parents!” But it isn’t the same. And you can’t know until you’ve experienced it. The feelings a parent has towards a child are driven by evolution to be that strong.

Plus I love my husband more as the father of my children than I did when we were dating before babies. Those might have been wilder/sexier/more carefree times, but the bond of loving and sharing a life with someone you share children with is next-level. I look in his eyes and see my children’s beautiful eyes. I see his traits, talents and personality in our children. I get to see him being a father. It is just all on a different level, to me.

Who knows if childless people will grow to regret it. Most probably won’t. You can’t miss what you don’t know.

Completely agree with this

Sususudio · 06/01/2024 21:01

Comedycook · 06/01/2024 20:55

I will say though I think a lot of parents feel like they have to say that having children is awful in order to make those without children feel better and so that they don't look smug.

I don't think the numerous posters posting on MN about how difficult their children are- everything from SN to drug addiction-are doing it to make those without children feel better. As pp said above, it's a gamble, and many people lose. Now I have grown up DC, I am a lot less

The OP's post is a bit like asking if unmarried people have missed out on the joys of marrriage. Some may have, some may not, depending on the quality of the marriage, or their own preferences.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 06/01/2024 21:02

If people don't want kids then they are not missing out.

TiaSeeya · 06/01/2024 21:03

Pshop55 · 06/01/2024 20:11

Thanks for the replies, all interesting to read!

I guess the argument we are having over here is.. can people without children really know they aren’t missing out as so many parents say after having kids that they didn’t realise the joy, love, happiness etc they would bring.

How did your gut instinct/judgements pre children line up with post children?

I didn’t want kids - was told I probably couldn’t have them when I was 18 and was unbothered- until I met DH in my mid thirties. Had a few MCs and 2 DC who are now almost adults.

Before I met DH I had started to get bored of travelling, eating out, pleasing myself and wondered what else there was in life. DC completely took it over for 20 years. I found ages 1-5 with them utterly soul destroying and thought I’d made a huge mistake. Sure, I loved them, but I hated my life. I made a series of bad choices over work and looking after them but by the time they were in secondary school had more or less sorted it.

But fucking hell they are wonderful. Nothing comes close to the unadulterated joy you get from the little moments. I’ve just sat watching Fresh Meat with 20 yr old DS back from uni, and as much as I’m enjoying watching it, what I’m loving even more are his belly laughs and knowing that he’s connecting with it because he is living his best life at uni and that I’ve played a small part in that. It’s pride, it’s joy, it’s love - all in one little moment and it happens all the time as a parent and there is nothing quite like it.

Sususudio · 06/01/2024 21:03

Didn't complete my sentence. Meant to say "Now I have grown up DC, I am a lot less black and white about things."

hangingonfordearlife1 · 06/01/2024 21:03

Yes i do. nothing can surpass the feeling of unconditional love. The way i feel about my kids i would never want to not feel that

Towelrail · 06/01/2024 21:03

I think I'd have just had a different life without DC, no better no worse. I miss being able to do things for me, and relax. I haven't relaxed in 10 years! But appreciate this is different for people with DC who have better support networks than we do.

Sometimeswinning · 06/01/2024 21:04

Sususudio · 06/01/2024 21:01

I don't think the numerous posters posting on MN about how difficult their children are- everything from SN to drug addiction-are doing it to make those without children feel better. As pp said above, it's a gamble, and many people lose. Now I have grown up DC, I am a lot less

The OP's post is a bit like asking if unmarried people have missed out on the joys of marrriage. Some may have, some may not, depending on the quality of the marriage, or their own preferences.

Show quote history

I think this was aimed at those falling over themselves on this post to say how awful it is. Borders on patronising tbf.

UsedtobeYoung24 · 06/01/2024 21:07

Nope definitely not. I have lots of childless friends and they are happily married and living fulfilling lives. I know I could be happy without children.

Comedycook · 06/01/2024 21:08

Sometimeswinning · 06/01/2024 21:04

I think this was aimed at those falling over themselves on this post to say how awful it is. Borders on patronising tbf.

Show quote history

Thank you...yes that's what I meant. Posters saying how awful having children is does seem a bit patronising.

Pifful · 06/01/2024 21:09

Yes, but they will never know.

I had children late , never had any interest in babies or children but made a biological clock decision to have them. Everyone who knew me was surprised because they knew I was so sure about not wanting them.

If I had decided not to I doubt I would have regretted it and would certainly never have admitted it.

My children are now grown up. Yes the baby years were hard but compared with the absolute life changing joy my children have brought it was nothing.

SemperIdem · 06/01/2024 21:10

Factually speaking, yes they have missed out. On the experience of parenting. I don’t think this makes their lives lacking.

Bladwdoda · 06/01/2024 21:10

Pshop55 · 06/01/2024 20:11

Thanks for the replies, all interesting to read!

I guess the argument we are having over here is.. can people without children really know they aren’t missing out as so many parents say after having kids that they didn’t realise the joy, love, happiness etc they would bring.

How did your gut instinct/judgements pre children line up with post children?

I think the thing with having children is that logic isn’t always applicable. By which I mean, I think a lot of people feel a strong pull towards having children that isn’t necessarily because they have logically thought it through and think that’s what they want. I think it is partly an innate need or desire for some people, or wanted to fulfil some unconscious need. Hence why so many people have babies in circumstances they really should probably not .

I was someone who tried hard to have a child (fertility treatment) and would have been devastated had I not had kids. However I have found it extremely hard and it’s not as full of joy as I envisaged. However I wouldn’t ever choose not to have kids, I love my kids and I am so glad I get to watch them grow and am excited to see them become adults. Also I think I would have felt a great, not entirely logical, loss had I not had them. Which I think in itself would have been extremely hard.

apronbellybarbie · 06/01/2024 21:15

mynameiscalypso · 06/01/2024 19:29

I feel sad for those people who desperately want a child but can't have one for whatever reason but no, I don't think they're missing out or that their lives are less full because of it.

Exactly this 💯

Marshmallowpop · 06/01/2024 21:16

People without kids will never experience the full range of human emotion possible because having a child and the love you experience for your child is very different to anything else….doesn’t really compare to feelings for your nieces, cats etc.

Are they ‘missing out’? ….only if they wanted kids and sadly couldn’t have them.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 06/01/2024 21:18

No. Their lives are simply different, but no less meaningful or fulfilling.

Hedgehoggate · 06/01/2024 21:18

People without kids will never experience the full range of human emotion possible because having a child and the love you experience for your child is very different to anything else….doesn’t really compare to feelings for your nieces, cats etc.

Having a child is no guarantee of experiencing the full range of human emotion possible.

carly2803 · 06/01/2024 21:20

i love my children. Wouldnt change a thing.

i think the only people who feel like they miss out is those who cannot hav children

those who dont want kids are not missing out because they want differnt things in life - there is nothing wrong with that!

would i not have kids in another life? no. id still have them, actually id have more

Workingtomorrow · 06/01/2024 21:26

GildedAge · 06/01/2024 20:42

@Workingtomorrow I was asked my opinion and I gave it. It’s pretty rude to dismiss my post in that way.
As far as people who are abusive I doubt having children made them that way, I suspect they were already vile human beings.

Exactly. And having children didn’t make them better.

You said ‘I think having a child makes you a better person’

Makes who better people? Parents? Or just you?

The fact that you needed to have a child to become a better person doesn’t mean that having children make a people better.

it also implies there’s a certain type of ‘better person’ that people without children can’t achieve.

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