Parents - Do you think people without children have missed out?

[Pshop55]

So this is for parents only! I want to know if you feel that people without children are missing out on a big experience/feelings/joy & ‘don’t know what they are missing’ and be honest! No one is judging just want honest answers as we have been talking about this tonight, obviously everyone’s answers are just their own opinion before anyone gets offended!!

No I don't because I believe there is more than one way to feel joy and fulfilment. So people without children are only missing out as much as I am missing out because I wasn't born in a different country, have never been a millionaire, have never been a man, am not a professional sports person - the list is endless.

No one human can possibly experience everything there is to experience so there's no point thinking about alternatives.

Says who?

I'm childfree by choice and it only seems to be parents who talk about the lie ins, holidays and material goods we've apparently made this choice for.

My parent friends are all wealthy and take the kids to Disney Land at £10k a pop, so the material side of things isn't a big consideration for me.

And with the best bots comes the worst bits.
DS nearly dying at birth, being hospitalised for four months at 1 years of age and not knowing of they'd be able to fix him broke me. And I want to pretend I'm one of those fancy vases put back together with visible cracks and reglazed to make me stronger and beautiful but I was glued back together by a tired mom with super glue. And then as I was nearly sane again, I had twins just before the pandemic.

I adore my kids, but along with the sunshine, there's gotta be a little rain (thunderstorm and flood) sometime.

I'm childfree by choice and it only seems to be parents who talk about the lie ins, holidays and material goods we've apparently made this choice for.

Disagree - take a look at Chelsea Handler or some of the DINK videos on YouTube. Lie-ins, holidays and extra disposable income are definitely emphasized as significant positive aspects of the childfree life.

Yeah, we've had moments when this atheist prayed to all the gods when we've watched oxygen levels tank and other health issues arose that looked bleak but which we thankfully moved through. I guess I'm looking at it from a thousand mile perspective and there are there are times of anguish - made so much worse as they are built on a mountain of love.

I can see how some parents are relentlessly pummeled by these moments and it must seems like the whole thing is perilously fraught and hard. Surely these poor souls must be few and far between though?

I think I'll pass thanks.

I can say that it is undoubtedly the most powerful and profound experience of my life, different to any love I have previously known, and there is no way I could live without it.

I think this is where the debate comes in because it’s like are people without children missing out on this and just don’t know… or… could they have kids and have all these feelings and powerful experiences but it still be the wrong decision for them?

In other words, does it being a powerful and profound experience with crazy amounts of unexplainable love and joy.. make it worth it and the correct decision for everyone? Can a childfree person know that without the experience?

That’s a bit reductive. There’s no right or wrong - that’s too simplistic.

Having kids isn’t right for some
Having kids doesn’t happen for some
Some people have kids and are not happy, would have rather not had them
Many people have kids and it’s life enriching and tough at the same time

Yes thats a fair point. I guess the bit I’m struggling with is how people make the decision to have kids when the experience seems such a huge gamble and one you can’t understand until you are there AND it cannot be undone. I struggle with anxiety but I cannot see how this doesn’t give the average person extreme anxiety, the thought that they may not like being a parent but be stuck until the day they die with the decision. It seems like hell!

It's so personal to the individual.

For example, eldest DS has additional needs, and he was all we knew. Very happily raised DS, although some very challenging times within that, which were not so happy, but essentially manageable.

I would have been happy as a parent.

We then had DTwins. I suspect one has the same condition as DS but too young to be diagnosed. Other twin, completely NT. She is an absolute dream of a child. And I feel so lucky to have experienced what I presume most do for all their children, it's easier and more enjoyable by a country mile.

Had I never had her, I would have been entirely unaware this is what raising an NT child is like, and would not have missed what I didn't know. I would have been happy with my ND children.

I think there are always anxieties about becoming a parent. It is, the great unknown. For most, it's a happy decision. For others, not so. And yes, it is a gamble not knowing the cards you will be dealt. I would say 95% of parents are happy now they are parents.

But I assume most people aren't shallow enough to make life decisions based on whether they enable them to have a lie in or two weeks in Dubai a year.

My childfree friends don't seem to me to loll about in bed posting on YouTube. They seem to be up and living their lives to the full....just like most parents are, but in different ways. Most of them chose not to have children because their lives were already full to the brim and children would have compromised that.

Childfree by choice here. I absolutely believe the parents that say it’s the most fulfilling, profound experience of their life, that the love is overwhelming and like nothing else, that every moment is a privilege etc etc. I don’t doubt that they feel their life was greatly enhanced by having children and the little moments like a toddler saying “I love you” make romantic love/money/holidays/career success etc pale into insignificance. I also know that without having kids it’s impossible for me to experience any of this so in that respect I suppose you could say us childfree are “missing out”.

but here’s the thing - none of that appeals to me. I’m absolutely fine to live my life never knowing how that feels. I want to be self-indulgent and spontaneous and selfish and I don’t want to live a life that isn’t about me. But that’s not even the reason I’m childfree, it isn’t a choice based on material wants or lie-ins. It isn’t a choice at all, to be honest - the desire to have a child has just never been there. Oddly in my 30s I’m now feeling what I can only describe as the biological clock everyone talks about where at certain times in my cycle I think “hmm maybe there are positives” or feel a kind of physical compulsion to put my womb to use, but it feels entirely at odds with how I feel emotionally and rationally, and rather than give in to it it’s making me want to get quite urgently sterilised.

In summary I think childfree people can envisage - as much as possible without doing it - what the positives of parenting are and still decide we don’t want or need that in our lives.

For me, yes big gamble. I knew I wanted something more - I didn’t know if kids would fill the hole. I like spontaneity though and am not risk averse ( well I wasn’t pre DC!) , I think if you like to control everything then the decision and indeed parenting must be harder.

I just don’t understand how people are so comfortable taking such a risk that could literally make you miserable and it can’t be undone. Unless I had nothing to lose it seems irrational to gamble, and that’s not a dig at anyone, I’m just trying to see this logically. AIBU? Or maybe going crazy? 😂

Can anyone reframe my thoughts or give me another perspective? Does everyone think like this or is it an ‘anxiety mindset’? If so, I’m wondering what other risks I would have taken in life if I thought like everyone else!

It's not anyone's job to reframe your mindset. You aren't obliged to have children. Asking what people think is one thing, but they have no place to convince you what to do.

Not asking to be convinced but trying to see how other people viewed the decision before taking it

@Pshop55 The desire to have children either overrides the risk or it doesn't. Those people whose desire was greater go on to have children if they can.

All life is a gamble, all life is a risk. We all weigh up those decisions based on desire and our perception of the possible rewards.

If the risk seems too great for you, then perhaps the desire isn't there.

I don't think people who really don't want kids have missed out, if you value spontanaiety and being able to travel and move around a lot, for example, you'll be happier without kids.

But I would feel that someone who really wanted to be a parent and know what it's like will have missed out on what is a hard but totally fascinating experience if it doesn't happen for them, although there are plenty of other ways to find value and meaning in life. I know people who have dearly wanted kids and it hasn't happened (in my mid 40s now so at the stage where it's basically ceasing to be an option for most of my female peers); some have moved past it and found genuine happiness elsewhere, others are I think finding it harder.

I recently watched a video which mentioned that 'every parent has times when they regret having kids' and I have to say, I have genuinely never regretted it for a moment, and neither has DH (I asked him and he is a very frank person so he wouldn't pretend if it were otherwise). I honestly can't think of anything better I could have done with this period of my life - but that is me, personally. That doesn't mean it's the only meaningful and worthwhile thing for everyone. Also my kids have been easy to parent, for which we take not credit, we were just lucky - a lot of people may find it so hard that at times, or even permanently, they regret it.

I won't evangelise about having kids to my kids - it'll be totally their choice when it comes to it, I want them to take whatever path feels right for them.

For many people it isn't a decision. They just know they want children like they know they want air, love and food.

Also, a lot of people don't give it too much thought at all.

I am quite an anxious person and worry quite a lot, but I reasoned that once my DC were past a certain age, I could still travel/have hobbies/ progress in my career. ( as it turned out, they were good travellers, so I have travelled from day one) Also, I am a immigrant and have no family or long term friends here, so a child free life would probably have been very lonely for me personally.

I also waited until I was financially secure, not too young but not too old (by my standards), and I had 4years between DC so one was in school. Obviously most people can't do this.

I didn't want children for a long time and then I did. I truly can't explain it more than that but marriage was also similar for me, although you can obviously undo marriage.

It's totally irrational, it also isn't very logical but I'm glad I took the leap of faith. So far it is easier than I expected but DS has only just turned 1 so long way to go yet!

At the same time though, I don't relate to the comments that becoming a parent has made me a better person, I don't feel like motherhood has changed me. DS has certainly enhanced my life but my life before him was also wonderful and fulfilling, he's like the cherry on top.

Do I fuck.

Now my DCs are adults yes I do, massively.

@SouthLondonMum22 It's totally irrational, it also isn't very logical but I'm glad I took the leap of faith. So far it is easier than I expected but DS has only just turned 1 so long way to go yet!

This is what I don’t get… putting my life savings on red is irrational and illogical so I’m not going to do it… why would you do something that seems irrational to you?

Not being rude btw, just trying to understand my perspective vs how other people think and whether it’s anxiety talking or not

I thought you were asking because you were deciding to have DC or not!