Parents - Do you think people without children have missed out?

[Pshop55]

So this is for parents only! I want to know if you feel that people without children are missing out on a big experience/feelings/joy & ‘don’t know what they are missing’ and be honest! No one is judging just want honest answers as we have been talking about this tonight, obviously everyone’s answers are just their own opinion before anyone gets offended!!

All of my childfree friends have been married a long time (the shortest is 26 years and the longest 55) and all first marriages. Not a single divorce among them. All seem very happy.

My friends with children, on the other hand, have quite a few divorces between them (several more than once) and most seem pretty unhappy

Me too.

You've lost me OP. I'm not sure what your stance is or what you're asking any more.

Because feelings and emotions aren't always rational or sensible. Sometimes it pays off, sometimes it doesn't.

It's a gamble. It's just a case of does someone want it enough to risk it.

No. I look at people before and after kids, and it's rarely made them look happier or 'less worn'.

Plus, the reasons people give to have them are often ludicrous... someone to look after you when you're old, because that's the reason for existing, the world needs more people...

No...

What absolute bollocks. Many many many many parents regret having children. Just look at threads on here, look at the websites for parents that regret it, the facebook groups for parents that regret it.

More of my friends say that although they love their children if they could go back in time they would not have any than say they would make the choice again

That’s what I think. If it’s something you desperately want then of course you’re missing out. If you don’t, then you’re not.

Really? How depressing.

I am.. I was just using the example of gambling to make the point if something isn’t rational or logical to me, I don’t know why you would take such a risk. Just trying to understand how other people see it, that’s all.

Parenting is such an individual experience, it’s hard for some, great and amazing for others, something in between for most of us, I wouldn’t say people without kids have missed out as such, it’s just a life experience that they haven’t known about or been through. For me personally since I have become a parent, I have never felt more loved in my entire life, but I have also had low moments due to exhaustion, especially at the beginning.

For me personally, despite being a single mum to kids with additional needs, having kids has been by far the most meaningful and wonderful thing that’s happened to me, but I’m aware that I’m missing out on lots of aspects of a child free lifestyle too. Before having kids I felt like life was a bit empty and lacking meaning and fulfilment, however many lovely holidays I went on or however interesting my career and social life. But that’s just my own experience and I know for many people a child free life has much more meaning and happiness than one with children would.

I agree with this. I think it is something inate that most people have. I know I would have been uhappy if I couldn't have children for certain. I think if thats the case, then obviously people will try to have them and then thats it really. Decision made.
I do think that love between a parent and child ( in most cases) is unparalleled. I don't think any other kind of love is as unconditional for example. But that is also a burden, where you are never really 100% free of them- worrying about them, taking them into consideration, etc. If I didn't want children and didn't have them, then I wouldn't know what I was missing out on, so I don't think it would matter. If people are happily childfree, then good for them. I dont think they are missing out on anything apart from.things they didn't want to have in the first place. My life was bloody great before kids. I don't think I'd have bothered getting married either. I'd completely please myself!

But it’s a ridiculous argument, because any decision means missing out on what would have transpired had we made the other choice, and we will never know the consequences of that choice because we didn’t make it.

You can only make decisions on the basis of the information and feelings you have at the time — you can’t make any significant life decision on the basis that might might regret not deciding on something later on, even though it’s not something you actually want now.

I had DS just short of 40, so I have a fairly good sense of where my life would most likely have gone had I not had him. I’m happy I did have him, but my life before him was pretty good, too. Having said that, I think there have probably been other decisions that impacted my life just as much if not more than choosing whether or not to have a child.

Not at all. I love mine but have no doubt that you can find other sources of joy and fulfillment without children, but definitely not the same level of work/sacrifice, worry and frustration.

But you have a child, so you do know why people take the risk- they take a leap of faith, do it because others are doing it, do it because they are scared of missing out, have an 'accident and go with it, family pressure, because they want the experience more badly than they want time, money, sleep, all the other things people tell you are going to change once you have children.

I love being a parent, but I was also privileged to have a life i loved pre children and would have a fulfilling, meaningful life without them in an alternate universe where I took a different path still.

I do agree that the love for a child is like no other, but it does come with a lot of invisible strings imo and isn't something you miss before you know it or that you need to experience to have a decent life that you enjoy. You have to love your children really don't you, and the joy is counterbalanced by the worry & stress, by the lifetime commitment you make when you have a child. Plenty of types of other love are just as brilliant- like I love DH and he loves me and that's special because we both choose to be together; the love for my friends and choosing to be in eachothers lives I adore etc.

I think as long as its what you want then any choice can be just as good, just as anyone can feel they are missing out.

@HareSalient I agree but that’s not really what I’m saying.. I understand we can’t know which way our life would have gone had we made another choice.. however.. if I have a child and hate it I’m stuck, where as if I don’t have a child I might regret it but I’m not stuck with the child for life. I know that sounds a negative way of looking at it but I’m trying to understand how people justify taking such a massive gamble, especially if they were pretty happy with life before. It seems illogical. This is just my opinion obviously, but I’m trying to see it from the view of others!

It's not depressing. Not everyone gives it much thought or trulg understands what it entails before doing it. Then you sign up for the job and see through your lifetime commitment with gusto and passion, but equally are entitled to reflect that you might not make the same choice with hindsight.

@Chickenbing good answer!

Exactly. I gave up my Law degree because I decided Law wasn't for me. I was 20. If I'd stuck it out, chances are I would now be far wealthier. I would not have met DH and my children would be different ( or maybe I would have been so busy lawyering I wouldn't have had any). All decisions have consequences. Reams of Sci fi has been written about the multiverse/ many worlds theory which is based on what would have happened if people made different decisions. No one knows.

Agree with this. Almost all of my friends with children admit they gave it little or no thought. They just had them because it is supposedly "what you do".

My childfree friends and family, on the other hand, say they gave it lots of thought and discussed it at length with their OH's

Well, I agree that it’s one of the biggest leaps in the dark because you can’t unmake your child after you’ve had them, AND because I think being a parent is quite different to what it looks like from the outside, so there’s no way to second-guess it, even if you’re used to child care. I suppose that while I had no particular desire for children, I’ve always been someone who likes to shoehorn a lot in, and fundamentally, I thought that even if it turned out parenting wasn’t really my thing, I had enough intelligence, feeling and commitment to make a decent parent to my child and give him/her a good start.

@HareSalient yeah that’s fair! I just think it’s mad how many people do it and don’t think any of this stuff through.. I’m thinking the way I think must be totally abnormal!

I had plenty of time to give it some though. It took us almost a year and a half to conceive my first and I was beside myself with worry. I wanted to be a parent and take my child under my wing and introduce them to the world and make a space for them to feel loved and build confidence. What a privilege. Fortunately the next two came along quickly but each was planned for and looked forward to.

It's just the one life you get. I wanted mine with a chapter filled with kids. And later, fingers crossed, as a parent of adults that gets to look on and see the world that they build. It's exciting to me. Other lives are available.

No, I don’t think it’s odd at all. Bear in mind I had my child when I was almost 40. I’d planned to remain childfree until DH and I both hit a ‘Well, it might be interesting’ moment simultaneously, and then spent the part of a year dithering. We both nearly died of shock when we conceived immediately. I think we thought it mightn’t happen at all, and we’re ok with that.