Parents - Do you think people without children have missed out?

[Pshop55]

So this is for parents only! I want to know if you feel that people without children are missing out on a big experience/feelings/joy & ‘don’t know what they are missing’ and be honest! No one is judging just want honest answers as we have been talking about this tonight, obviously everyone’s answers are just their own opinion before anyone gets offended!!

trying to see how other people viewed the decision before taking it

Having been told that the likelihood of a successful pregnancy was minimal I was just used to the idea that we would never have children. As I was ambivalent it didn't matter. Then I got pregnant our of the blue at 41, so it wasn't really a decision I had made. In a way you could say that DD was unplanned , but very welcome.

Plus, the reasons people give to have them are often ludicrous... someone to look after you when you're old

That's never a given anyway. So many old people live hundreds of miles away from their offspring.

Yes and no but I knew that before I decided to have a child. It's exactly as I expected it to be. Intense love that's completely different and way more intense than the love you feel for anyone else. However the flip side is the dreadful fear that if anything happens to them your life is completely finished. You can only be as happy as your most miserable child. I'm very happy and content right now as my child is but as he gets older and exercises his own choices it's going to get more painful and difficult. If I had never had him I would never have known such love and never have known such pain and fear. Happiness was probably just as rich before I had him. I'm not happier but I am more content, for the moment.

@Pshop55 for me to take the risk I just limited the things I saw as possible problems or things I would miss etc.
So I waited until I was 37. I had done excessive travelling, eaten out everywhere, gone to all the parties etc and was genuinely ready for a change of scenery.
I had bought my "forever home" was married and had a few years or married life just me and my wife. we had savings, I was as high up in my job as I had any interest in going for quite a while, and we had 2 dogs. We can afford a baby sitter if we ever fancy a meal out.
There was nothing left to really miss or feel I had lost other than total spontaneous holidays abroad I guess. but even then we just vowed to be brave and take our baby with us on our travels and it worked out well.

@pponk that’s fair. I guess for me the risk isn’t financial or that I haven’t travelled etc it’s more about the actual experience itself. I.e. the day to day of parenting, whether I might hate the responsibility, the anxiety and worrying about someone who depends on you, the lack of sleep etc etc… that’s the stuff that seems unpredictable to me and logically parenting seems shit.. but then parents will say ‘but you don’t know love like it’ and the joy etc and I can fully grasp what they are saying and believe them but obviously cannot experience that myself to see if it’s worth the ‘trade off’

Do you have a dog? I honestly found that a good pre-baby idea of how I handle responsibility, stress when theyre ill, caring for something, being more tied down because of them etc. A baby is moreso obviously but I think I found that maternal aspect in me was evident for my dog and therefore when we had a baby it was just like that x 10. (I'm not saying anyone should just get a dog to test the water, just if you already have one and are an obsessed dog mother then it might translate well).
Things like nappy stage, lack of sleep etc is realistically a very short time too, so you know there's an end date coming.

No. I think I would have missed out if I didn’t have DD. I tried desperately hard to have her and luckily after 4 years, several early losses and IVF we conceived her. I think if it hadn’t happened I would have been sad for a long time although probably I would have eventually moved on.

However if someone does not want children then they are not “missing out” any more than I miss out on being child free.

@pponk Good advice.. off to Pets at home tomorrow! 🐶 but yes seriously maybe that’s a good idea!

I 100% did not want kids. I loved my life with no responsibility other than the dog.

We got to a certain age and didn't know exactly what we wanted to do around it so "left it up to fate". DD came along.

I freaked out when I saw that line on the test. Didn't know how on earth I would do it. No clue how to even talk to kids half the time.

Got my head round it and calmed down slightly. Baby arrived and genuinely, I can't explain it, but I just knew I'd do anything for that little pink bundle.

It is exhausting. And stressful. And you question yourself constantly. But then they giggle at you, or smile, or say "awww mummy" when they put their head on your chest for a cuddle. And it just feels worth it. For them.

Wouldn't want to go through it for anyone else's kids. I'm still not a "kid person". I don't get broody over babies (puppies though....I'd have them all!!). I know I'm done with my one DD. But I'd walk through fire for her.

If you think you want a child, then go for it. You'll love them more than life itself and although you'll never sleep again, you won't really care. If you don't want them and you're just trying to talk yourself into it, don't do it.

Of course they do. I was on the fence for ages and if I'd stayed childfree I'd have definitely missed out hugely. But the good thing is I'd have never known, and I was very happy with my childfree life.

Relationships with nieces/nephews are nothing like your own child either.

What I found was that the bad sides of parenting were very clearly described, and easy to imagine (eg before children, you can appreciate how shit it would be to have no sleep). But the positives can't really be expressed until they're experienced, so it is a bit of a leap of faith.

Having my kids is the best thing that ever happened to me. They are so wonderful and I have never been so happy. Sometimes I feel as though it’s just a lovely dream and I can’t believe I have them.

@pponk makes an interesting point when they say, "There was nothing left to really miss or feel I had lost other than total spontaneous holidays abroad."

The thing is though, if you have a child at that stage you never know what direction your life would have taken or how you would have evolved if you had remained child free. At the stage when the travelling, the career, the festivals etc become old hat that's when you really get to know yourself and your potential. The childvfree get an opportunity to know themselves and fully inhabit themselves without interruption or distraction in a way that parents perhaps don't.

@Yellowrosesblue that's really lovely.

Whereas I have a child and am adamant that absolutely we will never have a dog. Waaay too tying down.

It’s the leap of faith bit I don’t like! Give me a bungee jump all day as it’s over in 2 minutes if I hate it, not 18 years plus!

Exactly this. I knkw I'm not experiencing the same life as a parent, but that's ok because I don't want to.

As in so many cases. You do you.

And I'll respect a thread that says it's for parents only, when parents respect a thread in our board that is for non parents only. Ok.

Reading more...
I think that it is lovely that so many of you find such joy in your children and the love that you share. Lucky, lucky children to have mums like you (I'm assuming you are all ,IM's, but same with dads).

What I find difficult to read and what makes me angry are the smug and patronising comments about how I will never knkw true love blah blah blah. How do you know that your love is different to my love? Love is subjective and no one can know how another person loves. Or the strength of that,love for whoever is important in their lives.

I also object to being told that I have no empathy. I am a consultant oncologist. I think I do empathy pretty well. It's why I became a doctor. How many of you have spent a night holding the hand of a dying person?

It is also because I'm a doctor - and one who has barely left the hospital all weekend - that I do truely understand tiredness. In fact as. A lifelong insomniac I did already.

I definitely agree with most of your points.

Not all babies are terrible sleepers, My DS was sleeping 12 hours by 8 weeks old. I can say for a fact that many people who aren't parents have likely experienced tiredness on a level that I haven't, especially people in roles such as yours.

@daliesque on the love thing, I think it's because we have all usually had parents, partners, siblings etc to know how much that love is. and so can see the difference to that of a child.
I also refused to believe that there could be this huge difference as I 100% adored my wife and my family.. but it just IS different.
I don't think any parent tries to say this to child free People with any malice or anything other then feeling like they might be able to "help" them find something great.
I am greatful that I read positive threads like this when I was childfree and questioning..as 99% of the time all I saw and heard were complaints about what a slog parenting is.

What I find difficult to read and what makes me angry are the smug and patronising comments about how I will never knkw true love blah blah blah. How do you know that your love is different to my love? Love is subjective and no one can know how another person loves. Or the strength of that,love for whoever is important in their lives

I don't think anyone has said ' you don't understand true love blah blah blah. It's about unconditional love. I would love my children whatever awful thing they did. I would hate what they did but not them. But if my DH did something awful my love for him would die pdq. Love for friends, lovers etc should depend on whether that love is deserved. Otherwise you end up with the situation where people put up with appalling behaviour from a lover because ' oh but I love him!' That doesn't make unconfitional love desirable or something to be missed out on, again because it is something out of your control. Is just biologically programmed ( in most) , intense and out of your control.

They are having the same discussion on the Child Free Board, and I almost want to go over there to avoid the smuggery of certain posters on here! Except I can't.

Yes you can. We don't mind parents on there who respect our choices, just the ones who tell us we are wrong.

Its not smugness.

But if you haven't had a child you obviously don't have the experience of that bond and the experiences.

Iv been child free . And my life is enriched now in ways I couldn't imagine before.

I'll never understand why people on threads like this can't limit themselves to talking about their own experience.

I thought they were @LaurenCuthbertsonStanAccount

But we don't want this "different" love. We are happy with the love we have in our lives, which is fulfilling to us.

I actually couldn't have kids even if I wanted them, but I don't want what you view as love for your children. I'm happy with the love I have in my life and it is fulfilling to me.

The parents I respect see the ones who get that.