I’ve reported my son to the police

[Ally190]

Long post so I apologise in advance.

My son will be 13 this year, has I’ve always believed a good life with his dad and I. Last year he got in trouble at school, then him and his friends beat a kid up. I cancelled his birthday (he beat the kid up the day before his birthday), no gifts or weekend away like planned. He stole money from his dad and bought sweets, I took his Xbox away and grounded him. He took scissors to school and a teacher got cut accidentally, I took away his privileges as a consequence. He never hands in homework and although the teachers say he is a nice kid he doesn’t do enough of the work but they think he is capable but choosing not to. He lies and is disrespectful all of the time. Yesterday we found out that he has taken £180 from his uncles wallet. His uncle passed away and was cremated only 3 weeks ago. He is buying junk food with the money. I’ve taken his TV, games etc and left him with little (except books, pen and paper) in his room to keep him busy. I’m giving him a packed lunch for school because I can’t trust him with money. He shows no remorse or behavioural change and was actually disrespectful to me last night - to the point I lost my temper, grabbed him by the collar and told him I hated him. I feel sick about it today and can’t believe I let my anger win but I did and I need to accept that. It’s not the first time he has stolen money so I’ve reported him to the police. I try so hard to be a good mum and I’ve spoken to the GP, the school, CAHMS etc and they all say they can’t help because he doesn’t meet their criteria. He seems remorseless and if I’m honest he seems blank behind the eyes at times. I know I’m a shit mum but feel free to remind me of it, I know I’ve posted so I will take what comes. I’m also doing my best, overwhelmed, without a support system and losing grip on myself, my son and who I am. I don’t know what to do next but hating myself is a foregone conclusion at this stage, I atleast hope I can do something to help him. Thanks if you got this far. X

Sounds really tough. I agree it’s not a mental health issue as such. Sounds like he’s asking for support, what does he say when you speak to him?
is he being bullied?
unresolved trauma?
what’s the triggers ?

Please don't hate yourself, it sounds as though you are doing everything you can in a very very difficult situation. My daughter was awful as a teenager but nothing like this and I did feel like I hated her at times. You are not a crap Mum. I just wish I could give you some advice that would help. Hopefully someone with more experience on MN can help.

Sounds hard, OP. What’s the background here? Any issues? Where’s his dad? Are there any siblings?
Have you considered a child psychologist?

I don’t have any suggestions but you are not a shit mum - you’ve done your best, you’ve followed through with punishments etc. You need to seek professional help for him.

This must be so hard. In the circumstances I can understand why you snapped. I'm not sure what the police can or will do. Is there any chance that he is struggling with schoolwork rather than just being lazy? Some children would rather be seen as lazy rather than admit they are struggling.

Obviously what you are soing is not working. Dealing with a very challenging teen, a psychologist said I had to find something to praise every day. At first it was a challenge to think of something. On one very challenging day I was reduced to saying that they were very good at finding the shortest supermarket queue. Strangely, they were quite proud of this and insisted on always choosing. They are now a fifth year medical student. Obviously it was not a magic bullet but it did help.

Parenting a wayward child is hard.

I would t have cancelled his birthday but I would have taken other measures to punish him.

Unfortunately at 13 he is in a very mum 'him against the world' stage and any punishment is seen as a reason to rebel further.

As a mother it's very easy to become emotive and make drastic decisions. Calling the police for stealing is the right thing to do as the police may be able to give advise or out you in touch with organisations or even a mentor that may help.

You mention his dad, what is his day doing and saying to his son?

My i n personal view is that children need a hobby and a focus outside of school.

Would martial arts or boxing help his need for a physical outlet and help him keep out of trouble?

really? She doesn’t sound mentally unwell 🙄just a mum who needs support.

Totally disagree with this
She's at the end of her tether

but it all sounds very intense and she sounds like she’s losing it. If she’s gotten to the point of putting her hands on her son she needs to do more than take a few deep breaths

@Riseandshinee Have you ever been in this sort of situation, dealing with a very troubled teen entirely on your own? You should show some compassion.

No practical advice im afraid but couldn’t just read and run. You are NOT a shit mum - you are dealing with a shit situation as well as you can. Hugs. x

@Ally190, you are not a bad Mum. You are dealing with a very difficult DC. You are right to punish bad behaviour. I o ow it's hard but if you had just let it go he would be even worse by now. At the same time as taking things away can you ask if he wants to do something with you, maybe swimming or a day out somewhere? So you get to spend time together where you are not having to punish. Surely the police should be questioning him over stealing £180 from a dead person? I do hope your DH supports you and backs up what you say and also punishes so it's not always left to you to do it? Is there anyone who he might listen to, an older cousin or someone? I hope he improves for you.

Make sure that he isn’t taking money to pay a debt, and that he’s not got involved with drugs.

And you’re not a shit mum, it’s hard.
Try and support him to get his GCSE’s at least.

Oh god you poor thing, I had very similar with my daughter and it was nearly the finish of me. I was referred to take part in Multi Systemic Therapy, it was the toughest thing I've ever done. I don't know if they offer it where you are but I would certainly look into it.

I feel sympathy towards her situation I just believe she’d be able to handle it better if she focused on her own mental health

You’re not a rubbish mum, you’re showing him that his actions have consequences. You’re doing your best to try stop the behaviour. This shows you care!

You sound completely at the end of your tether.
No real advice here other than talking with him or getting him to talk to a professional.
Was his behaviour always like this or is it steadily getting worse? Why does he feel the need to steal to buy junk food? If that’s all he’s buying could he be binge eating?

Is it your brother, or your brother in law, who has just passed away?

Ring the school and request a meeting with the school liaison police officer. Ask about outreach groups.

Get your son involved in a uniformed youth group they are fantastic with teens starting to go off the rails and engaging them with positive role models both male and females, responsibility and leadership skills and partocipating in interesting activities that can lead onto possible career progression in the public sector. Army, Navy and Air Cadets but also Police and Fire Service offer cadet groups. Cadet groups are often low cost with subsidised places and camps if money is tight.

I think you've done the right thing in reporting him to the police for the theft, and you are NOT a bad Mum. What he did was awful and he needs a warning before his behaviour escalates further, even if it's just a warning from the police there's a chance that it will make him think. The alternative is that there's only one way he's heading - and sooner or later he'll come across someone who is more aggressive than he is. Are drugs possibly a factor in his behaviour and vacant expression?

No suggestions, but it must be a really hard situation for you, and I hope there's someone out there you can confide in. 💐

You sound the opposite of a crap mum. No advice I'm afraid, but I went through similar with a DD. Things were desperate for several years but we did come through the other end eventually.

I'm sorry, it's so hard but please don't blame yourself.

My first sending hugs

You're not a shit mum.

And I don't think reporting him to the police is a bad idea. It might be the bomb that either wakes him up or perhaps leads to some sort of support for him.

Would he go to a youth counsellor? Could you afford that?

You have my sympathy. It sounds incredibly hard and relentless.

How has punishing him for his actions so far worked out?
that approach isn’t working.
his behavior is a protest to something.
find out what that is and work on that.
Im not saying don’t have any consequences for bad behavior, but you need to address and focus on the root cause.

This sounds very difficult OP.

I would reach out to children’s social care for support at this point. Early help would be appropriate to help the relationship and to understand why he is behaving like this. Lots of people are scared to reach out for that support but it is there for a reason and can be really positive.

Does he spend time outside of the home with friends? I’m assuming these changes in his behaviour have happened since starting high school - did his friendship group change then?

I work with teens and predominantly those who show similar behaviours to those that you’re describing, so I would be looking for a trigger. That trigger is not always in the home and can be hard to work out when it’s your child which is why early help could be beneficial. Once you understand the triggers to this behaviour you can begin the work to change the behaviour for the positive.

For what it’s worth I think phoning the police is absolutely the right thing. He needs to understand there are consequences. They may not do anything this time, but if this behaviour continues then they will become involved. Better that that happens now than when he’s 18 and is treated as an adult by the law.