I’ve reported my son to the police

[Ally190]

Long post so I apologise in advance.

My son will be 13 this year, has I’ve always believed a good life with his dad and I. Last year he got in trouble at school, then him and his friends beat a kid up. I cancelled his birthday (he beat the kid up the day before his birthday), no gifts or weekend away like planned. He stole money from his dad and bought sweets, I took his Xbox away and grounded him. He took scissors to school and a teacher got cut accidentally, I took away his privileges as a consequence. He never hands in homework and although the teachers say he is a nice kid he doesn’t do enough of the work but they think he is capable but choosing not to. He lies and is disrespectful all of the time. Yesterday we found out that he has taken £180 from his uncles wallet. His uncle passed away and was cremated only 3 weeks ago. He is buying junk food with the money. I’ve taken his TV, games etc and left him with little (except books, pen and paper) in his room to keep him busy. I’m giving him a packed lunch for school because I can’t trust him with money. He shows no remorse or behavioural change and was actually disrespectful to me last night - to the point I lost my temper, grabbed him by the collar and told him I hated him. I feel sick about it today and can’t believe I let my anger win but I did and I need to accept that. It’s not the first time he has stolen money so I’ve reported him to the police. I try so hard to be a good mum and I’ve spoken to the GP, the school, CAHMS etc and they all say they can’t help because he doesn’t meet their criteria. He seems remorseless and if I’m honest he seems blank behind the eyes at times. I know I’m a shit mum but feel free to remind me of it, I know I’ve posted so I will take what comes. I’m also doing my best, overwhelmed, without a support system and losing grip on myself, my son and who I am. I don’t know what to do next but hating myself is a foregone conclusion at this stage, I atleast hope I can do something to help him. Thanks if you got this far. X

He seems remorseless and if I’m honest he seems blank behind the eyes at times.

I am only speculating but that made think of signs of teenage sociopathy.
It may have nothing to do with your parenting. Some people are born with genetic predisposition for it but an undesirable environment can also be a contributor.

Does he lack empathy?
What is his father like?

I don’t agree that you sound mentally unwell. You sound (understandably) at the end of your tether and I can’t stand this suggestion.
Its stuff like this that stops parents engaging with trained professionals and seeking support when times with teenagers get tough.
Imagine going through such a rough time and being afraid to be honest about your very human response to a horrible situation with the absolute fear that you’ll be branded as mentally unwell?

My friend has suggested something. It's extreme. But I think you are at extreme. And she has said if there's anything true, use it. If not, make it up!

Call the PREVENT programme. Tell them your worried he's mixing with extremists. It cuts through all the referral crap - if there's a risk of extremism then they'll step in and he'll get loads of help. It shouldn't matter. But it does.

You are not a shot mum - quite the opposite. Don’t blame yourself.

Also I agree , calling the police was absolutely the right thing to do.

Hi everyone, thank you all so much for the (mostly) supportive comments.

his dad and I are still together, his dad is kind and gently but not a great disciplinarian although he will uphold any consequences I put in place. The school say he is clever, he is in the highest groups for reading etc etc and when given the work away from his peers he will do it but in class or homework he makes a minimal attempt and then leaves it alone. As for outside influences, I grew up with 2 abusive parents and my siblings are largely now in jail. I walked away from my family when I found out I was pregnant because I didn’t want my son to be exposed to the life I had, I wanted it to be better for him. I went to college and uni and now I work as a manager in the care sector, I’ve done my best to be so different as a parent from the childhood I experienced and I genuinely thought I’d done a good job, until now. I did consider sociopathy because his lack of remorse, black stare and no reaction to consequences is frightening. Even when I take things away he doesn’t ask for them back, he would happily sit in an empty room with a book for weeks on end it wouldn’t bother him. I’ve tried rewards, positive reinforcement, behavioural charts with stars. Pocket money for house chores etc. He definetly has enough to eat, there is always food at home and he loves banking cakes or making pancakes at the weekend. He seems to be spending money on pizza and chips with his friends and they eat and play video games, when I’ve questioned it before he said his friends dad gave them money for a pizza and I didn’t question that. I just feel utterly lost and like I’ve done everything I can to be a good person and yet I’m still failing.

@Riseandshinee Your reply was unhelpful and toxic. No wonder people feel so alone and isolated with people like you making snide comments. I hope you never have to experience the helplessness and fear of watching your child is changing before your very eyes and being powerless to stop it

So you’ve tried the “prison” option.

Is there a “restorative justice” option you can try? Ie engage him in activities to earn the money he has stolen back. Otherwise once everything is gone there is nothing to lose.

has anyone suggested he may be neuro divergent?

otherwise, I agree wholeheartedly with this:

Get your son involved in a uniformed youth group they are fantastic with teens starting to go off the rails and engaging them with positive role models both male and females, responsibility and leadership skills and partocipating in interesting activities that can lead onto possible career progression in the public sector. Army, Navy and Air Cadets but also Police and Fire Service offer cadet groups. Cadet groups are often low cost with subsidised places and camps if money is tight.

We pay £15 a month for a minimum 5 hours a week of gainful
activities for our 13 year old. It’s absolutely amazing what they get to do.

You are not a shit mum! You wouldn’t have posted on here for help if you were. It sounds like your son has fallen prey to want to be in the popular clan. Does he struggle with school work?

You sound like a brilliant mum who cares and has done her absolute best. Is it his friendship group that are a negative influence? If so I’d be looking at changing schools and filling his time with other hobbies and interests to steer him down a better path

As for outside influences, I grew up with 2 abusive parents and my siblings are largely now in jail.

I would seriously consider teenage psychopathy and seek to discuss it with an expert in this area.

His behaviour and his tendencies might be part of his genetic make up and have not much to do with your parenting.

It's heartbreaking to read your posts as it's possible that the problems you are experiencing are largely outwith your control

Please elaborate on YOUR!! Thoughts as to why you think this..??!!

Not all teens are triggered by something some are just plain trouble.
Not all bad behaviour is a MH issue and i get fed up of hearing that one.

If that was me to my mum i would be put in my place with her hand up the back of my head if that didnt work id be outside and told to come home when i had sense.

I think kids have too much rights and this makes them think nothing can touch them.
Parents cant parent because ........
Raise there voice their abusive.
Say something in a temper abusive.
Threat abusive.
House rules controlling.
You see where im going with this.
Parents are the ones apologising all the time when they shouldent be.

I honestly feel sorry for all parents because its like they cant be parents because the kids say so.
And i DONT blame the parents you can be the best mum/dad and still get a teen that thinks there never wrong.
Their way or no way.

Some teens do turn and see sense and grow up to lovely adults and ive seen some that have never changed just got worse and become so entitled they think there god and rule the world.

Parents are human and have feelings.

Have you ever considered ADHD? It can present in many ways. Seeking dopamine hits can result in really Wierd behaviours for which they may have no remorse. Or seem not to. Stealing is common too. And not respecting authority as they don't get why they should. How was he at primary school? Sounds like something is going wrong in his world

A massive % of juvenile offenders have ADHD - diagnosed or not

This boy needs his father to step up. Where is your DH in all this? Why is it you doing all the discipline and soul-searching? It sounds as though you are shouldering far too much of the burden of troubles here.

There is very little in the way of support for parents facing these issues.
Your not a shit parent, I know people from all walks of life including teachers,Drs and police officers who have done their absolute best as parents and yet their teenagers had some very challenging behaviour issues.
My advice would be to stand really strong and firm as you are doing, it takes a lot of strength to get the police involved, you did the right thing, you are showing your son he crossed a boundary and this is the consequence, and l would make it known l wouldn't hesitate to get them involved again.
Try and keep the relationship you have with your son calm but honest. You love your son but not his behaviour, he needs to realise the negative impact it is having on the whole family, it's unacceptable and things have to change. It's really hard for parents to navigate the teenage years, we all want to get from A to B as smoothly as possible, that means working as a team, everyone needs to be onboard.
Also it's easy to write off teenagers like this but most do mature emotionally and manage to turn things around. You are currently in the eye of the storm. Stay strong and hold tight.
There is a lot of good advice on youtube, Ted Talks podcasts, from other parents in similar situations.
I wish you the best of luck and l hope you find support.

Not all teens are triggered by something some are just plain trouble.
Not all bad behaviour is a MH issue and i get fed up of hearing that one

Agree.

People that pull the MH card every time when a child or teen is out of control get right on my wick.
The ones that suffer with MH in the end are the parents.

You are not a bad mum OP. You are mother dealing with a difficult stage in her son’s life. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. I would look at family therapy for all of you, they can start to look at why things are as they are and what to put it right.

I feel so sorry for both you and your son . What he needs now more than anything else is your love and compassion. Stop condemning him and blaming him . Tell him you love him as he is but do not approve what he does. Try to spend some ordinary time with him, meals, go for a walk, and try to let him talk while you listen without speaking. Get some counseling for the two of you. Good luck.

This. Genetic factors sprung to mind for me too.

Also, with two abusive parents yourself, it's entirely possible you have a few gaps in what good parenting looks like. You're clearly trying very hard, you just might need some support and modelling. Especially after you said what you said. It may be under the surface.

Are there any parenting teens classes near you? Supports etc. Family therapy?

Did you agree with the rest of the post? Advocating violence and abuse?

I don't know what's happened on MN recently but there seem to be a lot of very poor parents, advocating abusive ways of dealing with children's behaviour.

And no, it's a vanishingly rare troubled kid at 12 who is completely mentally well and NT, with no adverse childhood experiences (ACE) or trauma. I used to work in youth and adult offending (and have been in youth facilities in more than one country as a worker and volunteer) and trauma, bereavement, witnessing violence and MH and ND are ALL the children's issues. Every one. And I know what the ACEs the problematic children in DD's school have. Their parents say they don't but I do.

OP, something is going on for your child. Punishments don't give you that information.

Can you call your local authority's early help service for advice?

I would apologize for saying you don't hate him and say what you should have said is you hated the way he was acting but you will always love him.

Do you talk to him about what happens or just punish? The beating someone up- I'd want to hear what was going on there. Had your son felt wronged by this child and didn't know how else to resolve it? Was he trying to impress friends? What was going on?

Really tough situation. I would say that cancelling his birthday was too extreme, he must've been so upset (although I do understand the reason why).

Is there anything that's been troubling him that could be a trigger? Was he close to his uncle before he died? Was his uncle unwell for some time? Are his friends a bad influence and he's doing this to be part of there gang, to avoid them bullying him?

What have been his reactions at the time of punishments?

Do you do any activities with him? Days out together? I would try to praise him about something small everyday so he feels good about himself. Try and get him involved in a sport or hobby outside of school so he can make different friends.

I would try to focus more on positive behaviour (obviously don't ignore what he has done- it's sounds like he's been pretty extreme).

Teenagers do have reckless behaviour. His behaviour may be escalating because of your reactions to him. Not that you shouldn't punish his bad behaviour, but he may be getting to the point where he thinks you may have a go at him no matter what he does or that you don't care about him.

It's surprising how much emotional support teenagers need from their parents still.