I’ve reported my son to the police

[Ally190]

Long post so I apologise in advance.

My son will be 13 this year, has I’ve always believed a good life with his dad and I. Last year he got in trouble at school, then him and his friends beat a kid up. I cancelled his birthday (he beat the kid up the day before his birthday), no gifts or weekend away like planned. He stole money from his dad and bought sweets, I took his Xbox away and grounded him. He took scissors to school and a teacher got cut accidentally, I took away his privileges as a consequence. He never hands in homework and although the teachers say he is a nice kid he doesn’t do enough of the work but they think he is capable but choosing not to. He lies and is disrespectful all of the time. Yesterday we found out that he has taken £180 from his uncles wallet. His uncle passed away and was cremated only 3 weeks ago. He is buying junk food with the money. I’ve taken his TV, games etc and left him with little (except books, pen and paper) in his room to keep him busy. I’m giving him a packed lunch for school because I can’t trust him with money. He shows no remorse or behavioural change and was actually disrespectful to me last night - to the point I lost my temper, grabbed him by the collar and told him I hated him. I feel sick about it today and can’t believe I let my anger win but I did and I need to accept that. It’s not the first time he has stolen money so I’ve reported him to the police. I try so hard to be a good mum and I’ve spoken to the GP, the school, CAHMS etc and they all say they can’t help because he doesn’t meet their criteria. He seems remorseless and if I’m honest he seems blank behind the eyes at times. I know I’m a shit mum but feel free to remind me of it, I know I’ve posted so I will take what comes. I’m also doing my best, overwhelmed, without a support system and losing grip on myself, my son and who I am. I don’t know what to do next but hating myself is a foregone conclusion at this stage, I atleast hope I can do something to help him. Thanks if you got this far. X

True. So many 'experts' around who imply that they know - except they don't, because they're not experts, they just think they are. Giving suggestions is one thing, but continually blaming poor behaviour on ADHD or mental health issues or telling a poster that they are not being loving enough towards the child is just ridiculous and wrong. Someone has said the OP was wrong to cancel the child's birthday party because of their behaviour. Why? Actions have consequences - a useful lesson for later life, and he's old enough to know his behaviour isn't acceptable (and where it will lead if something isn't done).

I have an ADHD child and work with others. You spot patterns

Someone has said the OP was wrong to cancel the child's birthday party because of their behaviour. Why?

Because it didn't work, it clearly wasn't the way to go. OP seems to have one trick; a vague, unrelated punishment. Cancelling parties and taking away X-boxes. I've managed to parent my child with ADHD with none of that threatening and punishing and at the same age isn't stealing and hitting people. Sooooooo looks like it's a different kind for parenting for the win.

The things around consequences are important. Did the child say why he was hitting and stealing, did the parent think about all the antecedents, did the parent look at adverse childhood events, bullying and other factors? Does the parent spend a lot of time with the child bonding and talking and working through hard things? Does the child have the right kind of activities for his brain and development?

You can still cancel the party BTW, you just have to do the hard work as well.

So sorry you're going through this. Thinking of you... xx

Your child isn't the OP's child. It isnt a 'one size fits all' situation.

For some punishment doesn't work.

How many criminals go to prison for their crimes only to do the same thing when they get out?
But you don't let them off because prison doesn't work.

I think cancelling the party was the right thing to do considering your son's behaviour.
Violence, assault and theft from a deceased relative are pretty extreme behaviours.

I'd call the police too because if he was 18 that is the consequence he would be facing. Not a party the day after beating the crap out someone.

Your child isn't the OP's child. It isnt a 'one size fits all' situation.

No @DriftingDora but her child hasn't responded to her parenting style either so I'm suggesting something that has worked on at least one child.

I've worked and volunteered in youth offending and it's not full of gently parented children.

It's also BTW not just that you punish but how you punish.

If I cancelled the party I might say, "DS I have to cancel the party because we can't celebrate while the boy you hurt is still in pain, it wouldn't be right". Or "DS I have to cancel the party but I do understand that's hard and I wish we didn't have to. I really hope you think and act differently so next time we can avoid this." Basically, calm empathy with boundaries. The opposite of what the OP is sad she did in the OP.

You in no way sound like a shit mum, I’d agree with those who have suggested a child psychologist though.

Definitely.

Her son may well not respond to your style of parenting, either. And your comment about working and volunteering in youth offending sounds rather a strange claim to make - I'd be interested to know exactly (a) what organisation and (b) where the statistics come from to back up your claim. What criteria would an organisation use to assess whether a child had been 'gently parented' or not?

Thank you for taking the time to share your parenting style with the world. You are clearly in a league of your own when it comes to mothering. I’m not proud of my son or his behaviour right now but I’ve written 2 posts, you are assuming so much about me and my parenting style from those 2 posts. I hope no-one ever places the same biased, hurtful and negative assumptions on you as a parent. Although I feel it’s clear many of the commenters on this post probably already are, myself included. Thank you for commenting but I would really appreciate it if you wouldn’t anymore, I was looking for advice and support from people. With you I’ve found judgement and criticism and it isn’t helping. @MrsTerryPratchett

Thanks all. I’m going to contact the school again tomorrow and ask for their advice and support, numerous times I’ve been told he doesn’t meet the criteria for various tests and organisations but I’m going to push for it now. The police are coming this Tuesday, after school

Could you raise the funds to go private with Mental Health Services, maybe Grandparents could help out? I fear if you don't get to bottom of this you'll be visiting him in prison in a few years time.

I think the 13 year old only cares about the party being cancelled, how you phrase the why is immaterial

@FrostieBoabby sadly we aren’t in a position to put the heating on just now never mind go private (like many others in the world at the moment I know). Husbands parents are both passed away and both my parents were abusive so I cut them off when I fell pregnant

@RedHelenB thank you. I did explain it to my son at the time as to why his party was cancelled. Sadly @MrsTerryPratchett appears to know everything about me and my parenting abilities from the 1 post 🤦‍♀️

Some people on here are utter shits

Sending you strength and good wishes OP
My god this is taking its toil on you

You don’t sound like a shit parent at all but your son does need some support before he finds himself in a young offenders institution. It’s so hard these days though as every service is so stretched. You’ve absolutely done the right thing by calling the police.

Sorry you're going through this. Would your son be open to going to a youth club?

Youth workers have a lot of experience in dealing with kids who have various issues, and can form very positive relationships with them. Sometimes kids are more receptive to someone from outside their family to talk to.

And you sound like a very engaged and caring parent, try not to let the critics on this thread get to you. As others have said, I would suggest you apologise for telling him you hated him, you can explain that you hated his behaviour but you love him.

If you don't want me to comment again, I won't. But please stop tagging me. If you tag people repeatedly, they will want to comment back. You don't agree with me, great. It's your thread. I was trying to be constructive but you don't see it that way so I can stop.

And BTW my reference to abusive parents wasn't directed at you. I do think you are working very hard, with very little support.

Someone unthread mentioned cadets. I remember a troubled friend of my son’s really benefiting from this. Maybe worth exploring whether your son might consider giving this a try?

I think if a child ganged up with others and beat someone up I’d hardly be able to look at them the next day let alone throw them a party. Not having the party seems like a pretty natural consequence

Tell us about him, OP. What does he enjoy? Does he have friends? How does he get money if he doesn’t steal it? What motivates him (if anything! I have a pretty unmotivated 18yo…. only into computers, the gym and girls, and only then if low effort!)?

My professional opinion would be that he sounds like he is ND. Reporting him to the police may now escalate the situation so that CAMHS ( maybe forensic CAMHS) are automatically involved and that Youth Justice can take the lead. In my experience this will help you no end. You are not a shit Mum at all!!