I’ve reported my son to the police

[Ally190]

Long post so I apologise in advance.

My son will be 13 this year, has I’ve always believed a good life with his dad and I. Last year he got in trouble at school, then him and his friends beat a kid up. I cancelled his birthday (he beat the kid up the day before his birthday), no gifts or weekend away like planned. He stole money from his dad and bought sweets, I took his Xbox away and grounded him. He took scissors to school and a teacher got cut accidentally, I took away his privileges as a consequence. He never hands in homework and although the teachers say he is a nice kid he doesn’t do enough of the work but they think he is capable but choosing not to. He lies and is disrespectful all of the time. Yesterday we found out that he has taken £180 from his uncles wallet. His uncle passed away and was cremated only 3 weeks ago. He is buying junk food with the money. I’ve taken his TV, games etc and left him with little (except books, pen and paper) in his room to keep him busy. I’m giving him a packed lunch for school because I can’t trust him with money. He shows no remorse or behavioural change and was actually disrespectful to me last night - to the point I lost my temper, grabbed him by the collar and told him I hated him. I feel sick about it today and can’t believe I let my anger win but I did and I need to accept that. It’s not the first time he has stolen money so I’ve reported him to the police. I try so hard to be a good mum and I’ve spoken to the GP, the school, CAHMS etc and they all say they can’t help because he doesn’t meet their criteria. He seems remorseless and if I’m honest he seems blank behind the eyes at times. I know I’m a shit mum but feel free to remind me of it, I know I’ve posted so I will take what comes. I’m also doing my best, overwhelmed, without a support system and losing grip on myself, my son and who I am. I don’t know what to do next but hating myself is a foregone conclusion at this stage, I atleast hope I can do something to help him. Thanks if you got this far. X

I disagree. I think you are trying exceptionally hard in very difficult situation. You are doing your utmost to not turn a blind eye and punish accordingly and appropriately. That to me makes you a good mum. I second what an earlier poster said about a school police liaison officer speaking to your son and trying to engage him in something that channels his energy and boredom in to something more productive.

I hope the police will support you through a support worker.This is a step to get him help before he commits more crime.Youmay be given a social worker who can offer support and help because you really need it.The school will be contacted.Take-all the help you are offered. can you get him into the army cadets etc as they offer camps and strict activities also DOE awards at a very low cost.You are doing everything and a great parent it is so hard.I wish you much luck

This sounds hard but you do not sound like a shit mum. It sounds like you are struggling in the situation, as anyone would be. Please be kind to yourself.
My suggestions (and you will need to consider which are best for you) are firstly to apologise to him for the way you spoke to him. Talk to him honestly (or write him a letter/whatsapp if that's easier/would go down better) to say you love and support him but are struggling to understand his behaviour.
Offer him support (as hard as it is) as well as consequences.
Can his dad help too? And/or another relative?

I’ve worked in prisons and with teens both (ND and NT) and reporting to the police was the absolute right thing to do.

We have regularly had police officers talk to our ND teens and people are shocked because they think an autistic person can’t help their behaviour, which in some cases is true but that doesn’t help them when they get older and get sent to prison and have to learn to cope in a very traumatic environment.

Calling the police should always be a last resort but it can absolutely work and I’ve seen teens turn their lives around because it finally hit them that this is serious.

Unfortunately, teens can often struggle to see anything past themselves but having the police involved can wake them up.

He might not be scared of you but I’m betting he’s scared of the police.

You will also find that you may get more help from other services too.
A lot of our parents have said that when trying to get help from CAHMS it seemed to be taken more seriously when they told them police had been involved.

It may also be worth speaking to school about having a managed move and changing schools, so he is away from any influences that could be bad for him.

What a load of shite you have come out with. Mentally unwell and losing it?

I think it sounds like she's been dealing with the situation as best she can, taking the correct action. She had a moment where she lost her temper, doubt she actually hurt him when she grabbed him by the collar. She's not perfect, no one is, especially under these circumstances.

Your comments are not at all helpful or accurate. You just sound just quite spiteful.

Have you considered PDA?

My friends mum reported him to the police and had him sent to prison for drunk driving.

She did the right thing and he has always thanked her for it.

Obviously your son won’t go to prison but if he carries on down this path then he could in the future.

He may not see it now but you trying to stop him from ruining his life is the best thing any parent can do.
He will be thankful to you when he is older.

You’re not a crap mum, you’re a mum who is trying to seek some support and your pleas for help haven’t yielded anything useful.
A crap parent would most likely either not bother or give them a clip round the ear and hope that will solve it.
I’m afraid I don’t have any advice that might be useful but I’m sending you a big hug. Please keep posting, someone will have something really useful to share.
It’s tough being a parent sometimes (okay all the fucking time for me at the moment!) and it’s normal to place all the blame at your own feet when it’s going wrong. 💐

You did the right thing in reporting him to the police, they might just give him a strong enough warning to make his behaviour improve.

At that age, they think they know best, and advice from mum doesn't go down well. Most of them grow out of it eventually and morph into their former lovely selves, so I hope this will happen for you.

Can you dig deep to find out if anything is troubling him? School, relationships, etc.

The one thing I’d grab out of this situation is that the school says he’s essentially a good kid. They’d be trying to get him the hell out of there if they thought otherwise. It sounds like all your instincts are to take things away, ban things, stop things. Teenagers are impulsive and unfortunately testosterone helps make them push on. You’re not a shit parent, you’re just caught up in the shot. Do the two of you have any fun time? Do you talk? I once just sat down and watched my son play Xbox then made a habit of watching YouTube with him etc. Bribes were brought in if necessary. At that time we were in a non stop shoutathon and it made some headway in having the odd talk. Then started more games nights (board games), again with bribes. I’ll admit screens don’t help him and the more he’s off them the easier it is. Same with junk food. You know all of this. Take the biggest deep breath and hope you both get this sorted out x

I recommend the book "one more time" by Amy mccreedie

Firstly, eating sweets and junk food can be normal. Do you feed him enough at home and give him what he wants to eat? Pick your battles here. If you said to him to produce a reasonable shopping list for the week and include all the stuff he likes would he do that?

Secondly, can you start paying him token amounts for good behaviour. So give him small amounts of money if he loads the dishwasher etc. He cannot steal but if he wants a small amount of money, are you financially able to let him earn it?

I think you have to sit down with him and discuss what may help him start behaving better. Currently you are in a negative spiral and he is rebelling. He wants to be independent and buy stuff and eat what he wants. He can do that in return for realising that he also has duties. If you make those more concrete rather than just “be nice to mum” that may help.

If this behaviour is new I'm wondering whether there has been abuse there- by somebody maybe in school or in social circle. Is there a way you can find out or get him to speak to a therapist

Totally unhelpful comment, well done you! Had you considered that if she has actually got mental health issues, they are caused by the sons behaviour? No wonder she feels like a shit parent with stupid comments like this! If you have nothing positive to contribute, don't contribute at all!

You are not a shit mum. And you've tried your best. I did read the entire post, but I had to stop "thinking" at one point. Because I have a friend whose nephew rings alarm bells here.

Nobody takes scissors to school and "accidentally" cuts a teacher. That does not happen. My friends sister was similarly oblivious- although you sound so much more aware and engaged. That 15 year old KILLED his teacher with the knife he took to school.

Your son appears to be seriously disturbed. But you care enough to do whatever it it takes to find him help before he has a life sentence. My friends sister walked away - it wasn't her problem. My friend has been the one to stand in for parents, and he needed that to be grounded. Report him any damn place you can. Kick. Fight. Scream. Shout. Better a "minor" record now than what she has gone through. Or what her nephew has gone through.

Excellent advice, this would have been my suggestion too ❤

You are doing a really good job in really difficult circumstances. Your instincts are good. Keep telling the school everything that’s been happening.

How did he react when you grabbed him?

This sounds like a super overwhelming situation OP, don’t beat yourself up. Have you considered going private? I know it’s not an option for everyone, but often people with mental health issues struggle to get NHS help that they are able to access very easily if they go outside the system.

What an odd comment. Ignore such nonsense OP.

I think you’re a good mum at the end of her tether, I can imagine how horrible this is for you. I do think the police is probably a good thing, if it doesn’t help him now there’s every chance he’ll realise he’s being awful when he’s a bit older. There’s plenty of time for him to change, I’m sorry @Ally190 , this really is shit but hopefully not forever.

Honestly I have been where you are . Had to inform the police . It was about 6 months ago.
It wasn’t the turning point in itself . But I do think things wouldn’t have improved without that part of the process .

it is bloody hard- get support from people going through similar situation.

Do you have a gut feeling ? Peers , drugs , personal issues .

I have another question . You talk about taking stuff away does he have a chance to earn it back . My Ds just feels more and more hard done to no point trying if he just loses every time .

lastly you are not a shit mum you are struggling with a very challenging child .

I’d stop with the punishments and start with logical consequences. He might be developmentally much younger than his years and you’re in this loop where he does something bad, you do something bad to him, he does something bad, you do something bad to him etc.

An example of a logical consequence is that because he stole the money he has to repay the money: by selling his things, not having a treats or half his pocket money for however long it takes. Explain to him what will happen as a logical consequence and why it will solve the situation. That way he learns to make repairs rather than learning that he is a bad person who does bad things.

Calling the police is what you had to do. Explain it to him as a logical consequence: you had to do it because you were both too upset to deal with the problem you needed outside help.

It’s tough and change doesn’t happen over night. I know it must be had for you, don’t lose hope.

No practical advice but you are not a shit mum. No.

Oh OP I don't have any solid advice but I couldn't read and run. You do not sound like a shit mum for what it's worth but your son sounds delinquent so it's gone wrong somewhere. Maybe a counsellor or something to try unpack where or what's going on in his head? Because the stuff he's doing is no longer small stuff those things are really messed up for 13 Yr old.