AIBU - partner wants to go and help dying grandad in the 2 weeks after our baby is born

[ndavies22]

So I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner is going to be taking 2 weeks paternity leave from work when baby is born. Sadly, this year, his grandad found out he has pancreatic cancer and this week we found out it is stage 4 metastatic. He doesn't have an official prognosis but we know it is likely to be months than years. The problem is is that his grandad has 3 building sites, with no houses in a liveable condition (he and his wife currently live in a caravan on one of the sites). So now he has had this diagnosis he is expecting everyone to help sort out the houses/building sites to get them into a liveable condition. My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself and should probably just pay for help to sort it out rather than expecting his family to drop everything for him?? I should also add, my partners family are very traditional and think that my place is to look after the baby so I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Would love to know your thoughts? Thanks ☺️

I'm kinda with them on this one. Newborn babies are an absolute piece of piss. Losing my grandad absolutely killed me, to make him happy beforehand I would have done anything!

I'm sorry for your loss but if newborns were a piece of piss, there would be no Mumsnet.

I know it's only an opinion but mine is that YANBU OP. Hopefully someone can talk sense into him.

Is this your first baby? Honestly unless you have another child to look after I think you will be fine if your partner takes some time off to help his grandad. If he is close to his grandad I think this time helping him with his family will be very important to him and help in the grieving process.

@Crooklodge maybe your newborn was a piece of piss but not every one is, and paternity leave is called paternity leave for a reason.

Doesn’t sound as if DH is going to be spending quality time with grandad, instead he will be working for him.

What sort of work is required on the building sites?

I'm afraid dying grandfather wins over baby. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I agree with the PP. I'm with your partner. He won't be gone 24/7 I assume so could still support you and baby.
This is a chance to rally around his dying grandad to make his last weeks/months more comfy and worry free as no doubt his grandad is worried about what he's leaving for his wife too.

Oh behave 🙄

Op I wouldn’t be against him helping his grandad. Like fuck would he be using his paternity leave for it if it were my husband though.

I disagree. Pat leave is there so he can support you and the baby. Not help his grandad. He needs to be taking a different kind of leave and sort that now. My newborn was not a piece of piss and I had a very traumatic birth that ended with a c section and I wouldn't have been able to cope mentally or physically without my husband

It depends.

If you have a csection then you'll need some help. But a normal birth and one healthy baby are not difficult to handle. Your dp could spend the first few days with you, so you get to grips with little one.

Then he could be with you first thing, look after little one while you have a shower, make sure you have everything you need, and then spend 11-4 helping his dgf. Back to you by 6pm, to cook or pick up a take away.

If you have a section or if you or baby are poorly, that changes things.

I actually think it's incredible that you are even asking!!What happened to compassion and empathy!Pancreatic cancer is one of the worse, very short life expectancy and painful. Grandad definitely would come first in our family🤷‍♀️

I would absolutely be shutting down his family's sexist talk that it is only your job to look after the baby.

Spending some time with his Grandfather? Absolutely. Spending the majority of his paternity leave working for him? Absolutely not. He needs to be spending the majority of his paternity leave with his new baby.

Paternity leave is for him to look after you, while you're looking after the baby. YADNBU.

My late Mum had pancreatic cancer, and died in just 4 weeks after her diagnosis. Very sadly, I think finishing off a house might be too late 🙁 My Mum was in a hospice for a couple of weeks before she died.

Can he stay at home the first week and then assuming all is settled spend time helping the second week?

Providing the birth is straightforward and without complications during/afterwards then think helping a terminal ill person should take priority here.

Even if he will be working for him rather than spending quality time together, when he passes your DH may find comfort in knowing that he did whatever he could to make things easier for his grandfather.

pancreatic cancer is brutal from what i have seen of it! They may be saying months but it could be weeks or days. I don't think newborns are hard work during the daytime.Especially if it is your only one

You have years and years (hopefully) ahead of you with your partner and child.
I do think 2 weeks to dedicate to his dying grandad isn't too much to ask.

Have a heart.
He's pretty redundant when it comes to a newborn anyway.

I think there’s a middle way here - eg helping grandad for a few hours a day once you and baby are sorted / happy / fed. I also fear sorting out living situation may be a moot point and grandad may be in hospice accommodation or deceased before too long.

You’re not being unreasonable but neither is he. This is just a nightmare situation. Pancreatic cancer has a grim prognosis and more so if metastatic so I think his wish to help and support his grandad can’t wait and it sounds as though it’s really important to him. Equally having a new baby is really tough and it’s entirely fair that you want your partner’s support. I don’t think there’s an easy or a right answer - I think you both need to approach this with an open mind and compassion and look for compromise depending on how things go for you and his grandad. Perhaps he could take some compassionate leave as well, or some annual leave, or if your partner becomes very stressed and is struggling some sick leave might even be appropriate. I’m sorry you find yourselves in this position and hope you can find a way forward.

It is tricky - hopefully there will be a middle ground. I would be inclined to help out my grandad.

For those saying new babies are easy, omg I did it alone with one hand tied behind my back whilst simultaneously competing in the Olympics,
How was your post birth recovery? If op has a C Section she can't drive or life anything heavy for that fortnight so will be stuck home alone with the baby and no help. And whilst people do this, we all know it's never the ideal situation. It shouldn't be a race to the bottom.
How healthy was your baby? Ours came out unexpectedly very poorly. DH didn't go home other than to get clean clothes for the two week we were in hospital.

It's fine saying "I did it so you should" but no e of us know how her birth and recovery will go. His place should primarily be with her.

Doesn't mean he can't book leave now and go and help during AL or once the baby is a few weeks old and they've found their feet

I am so sorry OP, but IME pancreatic cancer, stage 4, is weeks at the most, sometimes days.
Your DH needs to speak to the doctor asap and plan to visit his grandfather at the earliest opportunity.
You need to think about how things will be going forward if GF dies before DH gets the chance to visit.
Is there any other family or friend support ?

So the whole family are going to spend it not with Grandad but on a pointless building site trying to build a house!

They're so better to have someone take them in and spend time together. Is anyone even qualified to build a house, do electrics etc?

I very much doubt he has months ahead of him. He probably has weeks.
Whilst I don't agree that babies are a piece of piss, the first couple of weeks are. All they do is sleep and feed.

Can he not take AL to be with his granddad and then take his paternity leave later?

Have some compassion for a dying man and get someone from your family to help you if needed. Or pay for a mother's help or similar for a couple of weeks.

I think that paternity leave is to help with the baby, not other family.

I think he should ask for additional compassionate leave to help his grandfather before the baby arrives or after the paternity leave.
https://www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

Of course it would be ok to use some his paternity leave to visit/spend time with a dying relative. Not ok for that relative to expect a new dad to be doing work on a building site.
He should also be using the time to parent his new child and support his wife.
Are you doing an antenatal course? This may help him to understand how life changing it is to have a new baby in your home.