AIBU - partner wants to go and help dying grandad in the 2 weeks after our baby is born

[ndavies22]

So I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner is going to be taking 2 weeks paternity leave from work when baby is born. Sadly, this year, his grandad found out he has pancreatic cancer and this week we found out it is stage 4 metastatic. He doesn't have an official prognosis but we know it is likely to be months than years. The problem is is that his grandad has 3 building sites, with no houses in a liveable condition (he and his wife currently live in a caravan on one of the sites). So now he has had this diagnosis he is expecting everyone to help sort out the houses/building sites to get them into a liveable condition. My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself and should probably just pay for help to sort it out rather than expecting his family to drop everything for him?? I should also add, my partners family are very traditional and think that my place is to look after the baby so I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Would love to know your thoughts? Thanks ☺️

YANBU OP, you need your partner with you and your new baby - it’s a critical time for a woman.

Your dp has had years and years to be there for his grandfather if he wants to help maybe he can pay towards whatever needs to be done or help organise it remotely but his priority should be you

This is a difficult one. For both situations, this is time your partner will never get back.

I had our first baby in April and those first few weeks were far from a “piece of piss”, and that was after a relatively straightforward birth. I didn’t really know what I was doing and was so sleep deprived and overwhelmed and hormonal (caveat - it is 1000% worth it and amazing!). Trying to care for baby, figure out breastfeeding, feed and clean myself, get to dr appointments… I needed the support of my husband and he needed to bond with his child.

However. Your partner definitely needs to be there for his grandparents too, but there has to be a balance. Being there is one thing, but working on building sites and housing is too much IMO. He’ll be exhausted. Can the family arrange a rental property or respite care instead? Or can they afford to get some professional help in? They must feel very overwhelmed and emotional as well.

I feel for you OP, and your partner, and hope he and his family can work out an arrangement that will benefit you all. Best of luck with your new arrival!

Exactly!

Can he put in some weekend time now helping with the house before your baby is born?

Does the grandfather have money to pay professionals?

Too many unknowns to give a definitive answer.

How far away are these building sites? Does your partner have any building skills? Do you have other help close to you?

Based on what you have said, the families priority should be getting one of the building sites into a liveable condition. Only one. No work should be done on the others.

Your partner should be prioritising you and the baby. This may mean arranging alternative care.

It would be a hard no to going away overnights. A few hours every second day plus time on the phone from home organising things is something I’d be ok with as long as he was clear that plans are tentative and subject to change if there are complications or you have a Caesar.

Surely there is a compromise. Eg spend every other day of paternity helping his grandad and every other day with you and the baby?

Although he obviously needs to spend time his with grandad spending his whole 2 week paternity helping with building work is unfair in my opinion. Part of having children is, or should be, that they are prioritised and that you are active in their care.

I hate to be that person to say it, because it’s often not true, but reverse the sexes and I can’t imagine many saying it would be ok for mum to be away from the baby for the majority of the first 2 weeks.

Same

This is one of those situations where how you deal with it as a couple will impact your relationship for years to come. Your dp is not unreasonable to want to help his granda. With metastatic pancreatic cancer he is probably looking at weeks not months. You are also not unreasonable to want to spend time as a family in those two weeks. I think it’s really important to reach a compromise between the two of you, one where dp can be there to support his granda but also you. Anything less will cause resentment from one of you.

You don’t say whether your partner has the skills to actually sort out the building sites or who else is on hand to help? Or whether grandad has the money to be able to get professional help in?

The priority should be grandfather’s care and pain management, not building sites. And FWIW, I’d have been very upset if on the birth of my first child my DP had disappeared off for two weeks to work on a building site. As other posters have said your DP needs to make arrangements with his employer to take holiday or unpaid leave in addition to paternity leave if he needs time to support his grandfather. And to do this sooner rather than later…

I think neither of you are in no position to take a decision just now.
You might an easy birth or you might end up with ECS, unable to drive fir weeks etc…
You might bounce back easily and take to motherhood like a duck to water. Or you might be struggling with PND, bleeding nipples and a baby that doesn’t put weight on.

My dh went back to work just after dc1 birth, travelling too (so was away most if the week). I had PND, struggling to bf. It was HARD.

And fir those who say that it would be more understandable if you had another child already, I disagree. I had two under two. And looking after dc2 after tte birth was easier than dc1. That’s PND for You.

Some of these replies are bonkers.

Of course it’s okay for him to use some of his paternity leave to spend quality time with his dying grandad.

It is absolutely not fine for him to use everyday working on a building site.

You and your newborn need to be his priority. I was absolutely fine both mentally and physically 2-3 weeks PP with DS2, who breastfed easily, slept well and thrived. With DS1 I on the verge of psychiatric care and poorly, requiring antibiotics for a dodgy episiotomy wound. DS1 was on the verge of hospitalisation due to weight loss from severe tongue tie and screamed day and night. You literally have no idea where you will be on the spectrum until after the baby is born.

Also, as you are talking about ‘paying fir help’, I assume that you have no family around to support you?

What if you have CS? How does your DP think you’ll manage Wo been able to drive, being in pain and on your own?

Yes seeing his grand father is important.
So is supporting you.

The Building works? That the grandfather feeling guilty and wanting to sort things out before his death. Which is very nice but not your DH responsibility.

I had a straightforward birth, mobile and pain controlled within a few hours of birth. We were in hospital for 3 days and then at home. My partner worked for a couple of hours over the course of the day even when we were on the maternity ward. He had work with him and if me and our daughter had all of our needs met he would do an hour or so. If we needed him he could stop. This worked for us as when we got to 3 weeks and for the next few months we needed him of his WFH day he had the flexibility in his job to help me out then.

The question for me would be how flexible would the arrangement be and if you needed his could he change his plans? How far away is he? And ask him honestly if he thinks doing the work during pat leave is giving everyone the best use of his time? I would get it booked through AL earlier if he wants too sort things before grandfather passes you are looking at tomorrow or 5 weeks time for the birth! If it's really important for his granddad's last days for him to work, Why the wait? My nan passed away from pancreatic cancer in 2022 she has advanced staged 4 at diagnosis and lived for 4 weeks but was only conscious for 2 weeks. I will tell you now, I couldn't care less about the little jobs that needed doing in her house. I treasure the last visit I had with her a week after her diagnosis.

Presumably she has family members or friends that can step up and help her? While he helps his family.
Not going to be able to fix his patriarchal family overnight, that will take time. Right now, the issue is a dying man and doing what is best to ease his passing.

The OP doesn’t mention any family but does talk about paying help.

So I’d assume that she doesn’t have any support bar her DP. I didn’t either and it shouldn’t be assumed that everyone has people around to step in.

Family members and friends aren’t the father of the baby. It isn’t just about OP’s partner supporting her emotionally, it’s about doing his fair share of parenting and bonding with his own child.

Of course he should be spending time with his Grandfather before he passes but it shouldn’t come at the expense of his partner and new baby.

Ooooh no I would not like this. YANBU @ndavies22 It's almost like he is trying to get out of looking after HIS OWN BABY.

He wants to look after his dying grandad. I'd support that. A newborn baby isn't very taxing, if anything it should be weeks later when they can be more unsettled and the sleep deprivation has kicked in. Clearly he's part of a wider family who helps each other out, you never know when someone might put themselves at an inconvenience to save your arse.

It’s paternity leave. Dh, i may be in hospital or unable to walk. There is a reason dads are legally given two weeks off when their partner has a baby!! You need to balance this and this is not how, none of your other relatives are using paternity leave. I think you can go for several lots of 3 hours or you can take the third week as annual leave and use your work hours then. I know your family think babies are the mums problem but I wouldn’t have married you if I thought you thought that yourself.

There will be plenty of opportunities for bonding time once the grandfather has passed. Bonding isn't done and dusted in the first two weeks. Nor is parenting. Sure it will make it harder for OP for a brief window, but if they can afford to outsource to get practical support, that is the obvious solution.

The blunt reality is here, he has metastatic pancreatic cancer. If OP goes overdue, there is reasonable possibility that her husband's grandfather will already be dead by that point.

The timing is abominable, but meeting a dying person's emotional needs is far higher on my list of priorities and I would have been encouraging my H to drop everything at home and do whatever his dying relative needed had it happened to us.

I'd think the house they're living on site at needs to be in habitable condition before anything else gets looked at, and that cannot wait 3-5 weeks for you to give birth, for your partner to have the time off work.

With regard to your partner using paternity time, I can see both sides. Paternity should be 2 weeks for him to bond with baby and care for you during your early recovery. The easier you can take it in those 2 weeks, the better you will likely find your recovery. At least, that's what I found.

For me paternity wasn't as much about dh looking after baby but looking after me. I certainly learned after my first to take my time in those early weeks and not go rushing out to supermarkets, still bleeding and shuffling along using the trolley as a walking support on day 3!

But; depending on how ill grandfather is depends on how crucial it is that everyone rallies round and does something to get ONE house into a liveable condition for him to see out his days in. The rest of the houses/building sites can take their sweet time. The hospital palliative care team might be able to best advise on what plan would keep him in his own home as long as possible before possible hospice care and therefore knowing this, everyone can plan the essential tasks that need doing, not the ones he wants doing.

Stage 4 metastatic is fast. Very fast. Without chemo 6 weeks. With chemo still only months. Its also nasty and painful. He will be completely incapacitated in weeks. Honestly, I would think carefully before asking your partner this. He is likely to be traumatised afterwards. Try a mid ground with him. That way you don't have to deal with his grief trauma and resentment you made him choose. I'm so sorry for him and his family.

Good advice.

The main thing is that the husband not be haunted by regrets, and decisions have to be made quickly because this isn't one of those multi-year cancer scenarios.

Exactly. Well said.

This poor man is experiencing his last few weeks on Planet Earth. Then it's over for all eternity. It's terrifying. Of course his family wants to support him.

The baby may well have 80-100 years ahead of it, and bonding can take place while still prioritizing the grandfather.

Unfortunate timing, but that's life.

Stop being selfish. It is very commendable the family is pulling together to help this dying man.