AIBU - partner wants to go and help dying grandad in the 2 weeks after our baby is born

[ndavies22]

So I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner is going to be taking 2 weeks paternity leave from work when baby is born. Sadly, this year, his grandad found out he has pancreatic cancer and this week we found out it is stage 4 metastatic. He doesn't have an official prognosis but we know it is likely to be months than years. The problem is is that his grandad has 3 building sites, with no houses in a liveable condition (he and his wife currently live in a caravan on one of the sites). So now he has had this diagnosis he is expecting everyone to help sort out the houses/building sites to get them into a liveable condition. My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself and should probably just pay for help to sort it out rather than expecting his family to drop everything for him?? I should also add, my partners family are very traditional and think that my place is to look after the baby so I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Would love to know your thoughts? Thanks ☺️

Fixing the houses is totally optional. Presumably other family members can help and assume there is some money to pay for work. But really the weather is currently dreadful - not sure how much meaningful work will get done on a building site in the next few weeks.

Is the OP's DH in the building trade as again not terribly sure how helpful he will be doing plastering or whatever if he is eg a software engineer.

It’s not just a traumatic birth or birth injuries that mean you need support after birth. I had a vaginal birth with a small tear. I needed help with breastfeeding. I was breastfeeding, topping up with formula and pumping after each feed. I needed DH to sterilise two lots of bottles and pumping equipment, hold DC while I was pumping and the brief time between the feeding cycle starting again to go to the toilet, have a drink and eat something.

DP isn’t going to be spending time with grandad, he’s going to be working on a house. As others have said, he needs to be doing that now. If he wants to see dying grandad, then he can do at wherever grandad is or he can take OP and the partner too.

Is your partner a builder? And how close to liveable are these houses currently? Sounds like a fool’s errand to me.

Would be better for him to book some leave-say every Friday for a while-to spend some time with his GF.

You're so eager to pile on the guilt you apparently didn't read the OP. Partner isn't planning to go and care for his ailing grandfather. He's supposed to help out with a building site.

OP paternity leave is there for a reason, it's meager enough as it is, and dads massively taking the piss as your partner is proposing ruin things for everyone as they help make more generous rules much less likely. At least he's not proposing to go golfing I guess. If he wants to help deal with his grandfather's building site he needs to take unpaid or annual leave.

Say he's fine to go but he'll need to pay a maternity nurse / night nanny for 2 weeks to help you!

Also I forgot to add, as other PP have said, pancreatic cancer is sadly notorious for bringing with it a very short span of end of life. I’d think it would make more sense to be concentrating on the grandads palliative care as it’s likely to be sooner rather than later, and likely to need hospice care.

Exactly.

I am stunned at the callous lack of empathy.

As a purely practical matter he should stay with you for at least the first two weeks after the birth to make sure you're recovering all right and the baby is reasonably easy. Then decide. If you have an easy baby it may be fine; but there can be problems

How far away does grandad live? Are we talking a day or two or are you saying dh intends to spend the whole 2 weeks living somewhere else? Or every day at his grandads?

Who else is there to help out at grandads?

Why can't dh take holidays to help out now?

Both need to be balanced obviously and the timing isn't great but I do t t hi no you should be blaming the grandad for 'his mess', that's pretty heartless.

Those first couple of weeks are really important for your DH to bond with baby and to look after you, you need time to recover from the birth too! Can the rest of his family (parents, siblings, cousins?) not step up to help the Grandad?

Two threads on the same topic ?

Those saying that he won't be with his grandad, maybe the thing that is causing this dying man distress is the thought of leaving his widow to sort out his mess. Even if it cannot be completed before he dies, if it makes his last days less anxiety ridden knowing his family are doing their best, they are giving him the support he needs. Support is not always sitting by a bedside.

I agree with a PP that your DP should take some compassionate leave instead to help his Grandpa. As others have said, he may only have weeks left so perhaps your partner should even go there before you give birth?

I agree that you need support but could someone else like your parents support you in immediate aftermath of the birth and then your DP could take paternity leave later? His Grandpa may not be around in a couple of months.

This is one of those difficult situations where whatever your husband does will be wrong in some way. You have to behave maturely as getting angry is not the solution. Your husband is in an unfortunate place. What kind of work is needed on the sites? Helping grandad is probably the priority. It is not a mess he has created as you say. His life is cut short so he has to make decisions quicker than usual. Can someone help and stay with you and the baby during the first few weeks?

Exactly.

If I got a diagnosis indicating death is near, I wouldn't want people sitting around. There are practical measures that would need to be undertaken ASAP and some assistance would be most precious.

The baby will be around for a long time; the peace of mind DH will have knowing that he did his best to help a beloved family member is priceless. It's not just for grandad, it's so your husband can live the rest of his life without being gnawed at by regrets. And be part of the family effort to rally round.

Don't you have anyone else who can come and help with postpartum things?

Lots of people have babies when their husband is deployed or otherwise away, and yet these fathers still manage to bond with baby.

No, paternity leave is to help you with a new baby. If he wants to look after grandad (fair enough) he needs to take a different sort of leave. And perhaps he should be doing that now rather than waiting until the baby. Pancreatic cancer is usually not a long prognosis - he might not be around much more than a few weeks.

You and baby need to be the priority for his paternity. Fair enough if you and and your newborn are ok for a few hours and he can nip out. But he needs to take it day by day and not commit to a whole week - what if you have a CS or need to stay in hospital?

@Farwell I 💯 agree. It’s quite possible that his Grandpa’s ideas aren’t realistic, but your DP needs to spend some time with him.

The two weeks after giving birth were probably the most difficult of my life. It would be great if he could help out his granddad some but I think he shouldn’t plan on it.

Spending some time with his Grandfather? Absolutely. Spending the majority of his paternity leave working for him? Absolutely not.

Other family members need to be stepping up if possible. Not just telling OP's partner that it's the woman's job to look after the baby anyway, I wouldn't be having that.

He should be with you and the baby. Maybe he could spend a few hours helping his grandad but certainly not for significant periods.

It’s the first 2 weeks of his baby’s life, if he can’t prioritise the baby then, when will he? Also who knows if you’ll be ok after the birth?

If you have the baby at 40 weeks GF might not be alive by then.
DH should go and visit him briefly now, reassure him that plans will be made to sort the building, but first, comfortable accommodation needs to be arranged.
That way he will have seen him, assessed the situation and hopefully had a wake up call.

Also as sad as the grandfathers illness is I assume as he has 3 properties there is spare cash to get the work done.

My MIL came to stay for three weeks after DD was born (they were interested in their GC back then!) and tbh, she was far more helpful to me than DH, as neither of us had any experience with newborns.

DH took a week off and went back to work, it was fine. You need someone to support you, but it doesn’t have to be your DP-in my personal experience anyway.