AIBU - partner wants to go and help dying grandad in the 2 weeks after our baby is born

[ndavies22]

So I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner is going to be taking 2 weeks paternity leave from work when baby is born. Sadly, this year, his grandad found out he has pancreatic cancer and this week we found out it is stage 4 metastatic. He doesn't have an official prognosis but we know it is likely to be months than years. The problem is is that his grandad has 3 building sites, with no houses in a liveable condition (he and his wife currently live in a caravan on one of the sites). So now he has had this diagnosis he is expecting everyone to help sort out the houses/building sites to get them into a liveable condition. My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself and should probably just pay for help to sort it out rather than expecting his family to drop everything for him?? I should also add, my partners family are very traditional and think that my place is to look after the baby so I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Would love to know your thoughts? Thanks ☺️

Which then makes the idea of waiting 3~5 weeks before going to see him crazy. And so is the idea that he should then spend his time on a building site rather than seeing his grand father.

I agree that seeing his grand father is important.
But so is his partner and his baby.

The OP doesn’t say how long he has left to live.
She has no idea how the birth will go.

The risk of her being haunted by regrets and resentment if she has a CS and/or PND and he isn’t there to support her isn’t negligible either.

Paternity leave is for DH to be a father to his baby, at home - and nothing else. Tell him so.

Is it possible to have a few friends come spend a few days with you to lend a hand? Can you hire a baby nurse?

Absolutely this. All these people saying it's easy are talking about their experience. It is not universal

fucking Hell.
I know the grandfathers dying but we’re also talking about a woman due to give birth who would like her partner with her in the first few weeks of the babies life. That’s not selfish.

Not read the whole thread.

@ndavies22 I think there's a balance to be had here. Losing my grandparents broke my heart each time so I support your husband in wanting to be there for and with him. However he also will have a newborn...One doesn't outweighs the other. I think you should agree a rough schedule to be adjusted as required in favour of you and your baby.

I think he should go...but aim to do much less than he ordinarily would. It sounds as if others will be helping too so this shouldn't be a problem. And he will need to embrace being you'd champion and defender...He can find a way to do both, but ultimately, you and your baby come first.

The misogyny on this thread is strong...

I’ve known so many women have issues in the first 2 weeks or so after birth. From more standard things like infected C section scars, difficulty caring baby/moving, through to serious post natal psychosis requiring sectioning.

The reality is you won’t know how much the father needs to be with his partner and baby until the time comes. if the birth is smooth and partner feels well and healthy quickly then great, if not there might not be any choice but to be with her caring for her and the baby.

He will be able to go off and assist but he won't be able to be putting 14 days of hard slog in because he'll be helping you too.

You do need him there but not all the time.

He needs to be prepared to drop his grandad if you have a traumatic birth or something that means you require additional assistance.

He needs to be with you and your newborn! Fine see and support Grandad, but you are his primary family. I can't believe the shit being posted about newborns being easy. It is a massive shock to the system and you need and deserve his support.

@Kdubs1981 too right.

My own dear uncle (he was like a second father to me) passed away 4 days before DC1 was born, during routine surgery. I was the person, not the spouse of the person, doing and feeling everything.

I’m many years on now. Your DH has an extremely intense few weeks ahead. In your shoes (although maybe you haven’t been there like I have), I would be showing the utmost compassion for DH rather than asserting myself. I don’t think I’ll ever untangle everything I went through during those days and weeks.

Well said.

Absolutely.

Expecting people to be reasonably empathetic and resilient is hardly misogynistic.

If you are building a house, even if you are hiring people to do the actual work, there needs to be someone on site to keep an eye on the build.

Sorry haven't RTFT, my grandmother was old and ill and died 25 years ago and it still is with me. That was nothing like the situation you describe, so I think you need to let your husband do what he needs to do. But, obviously you need support. Can someone come and stay with you to help while he is aways, prefer a family member but if not friends a neighbour etc. Can you pay someone, get a doula or a casual nanny. Technically newborns are easy, but if it's your first you'll probably be feeling quite overwhelmed after the birth and breastfeeding etc so I do think it's best you have some extra support on hand. If anything, just to watch the baby so you can rest, have a shower etc.

I think he helps organise help for him rather than actually doing the manual labour himself. and spends time with him. But yes, gf trumps new baby in general terms.
I wouldn’t be impressed if he’s doing work that gf could easily afford to pay someone else to do.

The gf is 5 hours away….
The DP isn’t going to go backwards and forwards between him and the OP.

So there won’t be a ‘he’ll be there but not all the time’. More likely, he’ll be there on the first two days and then will go away when the OP is back at home.

Does GF trump baby? Doesn’t that rather depend on how well baby and mum are? It’s parents responsibility to provide safe care for their baby, no matter what. If mum isn’t well enough to be alone due to bad birth/ recovery then baby will have to be prioritised surely. Obviously if mum is very well and happy to be alone that’s different.

Traditional or not, they don't know what will happen with your birth.
My birth was a shit show, baby in NICU for two days and I spent months recovering from extensive emergency c section injuries. Whilst also breastfeeding but being unable to lift my baby or sit properly.
DH was on hand the whole time and when he went back to work my lovely MIL then stepped in for two weeks to do the same.
Have they considered what he will do if (very unlikely but) unfortunately the same thing happens to you?