AIBU - partner wants to go and help dying grandad in the 2 weeks after our baby is born

[ndavies22]

So I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner is going to be taking 2 weeks paternity leave from work when baby is born. Sadly, this year, his grandad found out he has pancreatic cancer and this week we found out it is stage 4 metastatic. He doesn't have an official prognosis but we know it is likely to be months than years. The problem is is that his grandad has 3 building sites, with no houses in a liveable condition (he and his wife currently live in a caravan on one of the sites). So now he has had this diagnosis he is expecting everyone to help sort out the houses/building sites to get them into a liveable condition. My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself and should probably just pay for help to sort it out rather than expecting his family to drop everything for him?? I should also add, my partners family are very traditional and think that my place is to look after the baby so I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Would love to know your thoughts? Thanks ☺️

Would he need to stay away to help grandad out?

If not why can't he do a few hours here and there and still spend time with you and the baby?

I think this is a true dilemma with no "right" and "wrong", very sadly.

Ridiculous.
The grandad needs to pay for accommodation or other family needs to sort his mess. Not your DH

Your DH going to visit /say goodbye is fair enough. And even Visiting more than once if short periods /local I’d also be fine with.

heading off to do construction/labouring work or whatever from 9-6 then come home and announcing he is knackered would be a HARD NO. And is a hill I’d die on.

Knowing how I was post partum i would struggle to forgive my DH if he did this.

On the off chance the pisses off anyway

• batch cook microwave able lunch and dinners for yourself only for the two weeks.
• lineup any/all support from your family
• look at any all paid help you can afford -night nanny or mothers helpers.

if you need a C-section especially you will find it very hard solo.

I agree. I had healthy babies and uncomplicated births with only minor birth injuries but the first two weeks I could not have coped without my DH and sister there to help us.

Women have been looking after newborns on their own for years when men were off in war or serving in the military.

As long as you are well prepared, two weeks after birth is easy.

Let him help his grandad.

Going Against lots of PPs I think the first couple of weeks as parents is very important for you as a couple and family. It’s an intensive binding experience.
Yes the grandfather dying is important and yes he should see him too as much as possible.
But the houses that need finishing should not be the priority. Sell them on or buy in labour for them.

You sound incredibly cold and lacking in compassion for a dying man.

I was fine caring for a new baby solo after a c-section and so in my view the choice is yours in terms of whether you want him to stay with you for emotional reasons and to also bond with the baby the whole time or not

I'm also for him going to help.

I would hope if the birth isn't simple and you need help he'd provide it but all being well his grandad will need him much more than you will.

But I will accept my view may be skewed as I had an emergency C section and where I lived your OH didn't get paternity 🤷‍♀️

DH took his paternity leave when babies were a bit older. TBH, like others, there is not much for Dad's to do in the early days. Once we had an established routine, he took time off, and then we had a great few weeks all together. My dad only lived 8 weeks after his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. The prognosis is not good

I think some people are forgetting the exhaustion that comes with having a new born. Yes you probably can look after your baby solo and plenty others have done but the difference is you have a husband on paternity leave who should be there to support you and baby. I think a compromise could be the only way if he is adamant he is wanting to help his grandad, which I also understand from his side. Once baby is here he might actually be too exhausted himself to be out working everyday. I’d propose 4 days minimum after birth he stays home (providing no c sec and ok birth) then if he wants to help grandad he can but he has to remember he is on paternity leave so he must help with night feeds and baby when he’s home.

I think sorting out the building projects should be the bottom of the list. GF and his wife need somewhere warm and comfortable to stay for what might be a very brief period. GF may well need to be in a hospice if there is nowhere suitable.

Most women had the help of a female relative or friend, regardless of whether her husband was away or not. For those few women who were completely alone, prepared or not, some could not cope and the result was a higher rate of infanticide. The first two weeks can be easy enough to do alone, but you cannot count on it happening no matter how well you prepare.

You only get one chance to provide someone with a good death.

Spending some time with grandfather would be good, fixing a building site - no way!

Bloody hell. Grandad should sort his own mess out? Are you serious? Have you even known anyone who has pancreatic cancer, it is horrific!

@AnotherVice and is working on a building site providing a good death? Will he actually spend any time with grandad?

YABU to say he shouldn’t go at all. Surely there’s a balance, he spends some of the time helping the grandfather and some time with you. It’s his last chance to be with his grandfather

He isn't going to be with him though, he's going to be working for him.

I don't think pp would object to him spending some time with him.

It doesn't sound so much like spending time with a dying grandfather but sorting a load of houses out. If i'd just become a dad i would want to be at home with the baby as much as i could despite my family thinking it's all women's work anyway. Can he not spend some time with his grandfather and the majority with you?

I think paternity leave is for paternal time. To care for you, to bond with the new baby.

I think he should wait and see what is possible. Tell him to take it as it comes and if it is possible to give a couple of days help, great. But you don’t know if you might end up with a CS, other problems that leave you physically weak or vulnerable, he may not want to leave you and the baby for long periods (my DH would not have).

Supporting his grandad is important, the newborn period is short and precious.

He is not in a position to make promises, just tell him to take it as it comes.

It’s work on a building site (or the organisation of said site) it’s not being an emotional support so I don’t think YANBU no. It would be different if he was going to be physically there to nurse or care for his grandad. I think the grandad needs to pay out money to fix the problem.

He should carers leave or compassionate leave now before your baby arrives to go and help his grandpa, and then have the 2 weeks paternity leave as actual paternity leave bonding with his new child. He needs to do both. Neither is optional.

When you say "go off to help him" do you mean throughout the 2 weeks or for the full 2 weeks???

It really is tough to answer, i would absolutely be ok with my DH going to spend time with his dying grandad, the regret after he is gone can eat him up. I would probably like my DH here for the first few days while we get a routine, but then absolutely go and be with his family, even if it is only helping out on site.

Stage 4 pancreatic cancer he has weeks at most. Sounds like the family need to be realistic about how long he actually has left and do something to make what little time left he has comfortable. Not a nice position for any of you to be in.