Feel like I can’t face one more day. I just can’t.

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

Yes I’m depressed and yes I’m seeking treatment. This is really just me writing down my feelings in the hope it will lift even a tiny weight from my shoulders.

Is it normal to feel like this? Like you just cannot face one more day of sleep deprivation, mess, whinging, every little thing being made as difficult and time consuming as possible? My body is knackered from never resting or sleeping, lugging car seats around, pushing prams and lifting kids in and out of chairs/baths/cars. Mentally I’m utterly drained and sick of the sound of my own voice telling them not to do something, or not to break something, or not to hurt each other. My entire life is childcare from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them, only to be forced awake an hour later.

I wake up and just don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I love them both and they’re not actually difficult kids but I honestly can’t see how anyone enjoys this. I’m a shell of the person I used to be.

Do you have any support around you? I think most parents have felt exactly the way you describe and need to find some way to find a break x

It’s not “normal” exactly but I have been where you are and it is bone crushingly awful. I used to spend my afternoons loitering in John Lewis as I decided I was less likely to top myself in there. Dark times.

I PROMISE you it will get better and I’m really glad you’re getting help. Do ring the Samaritans if you need to, I found them helpful, they’re phone number is 116123

Sending love and support.
Yesterday I sat in the corner of my kitchen with my head in my hands, in despair, as dinner cooked. My youngest found me and thought we were playing peekaboo.
They can be so relentless, the bickering 😫 do you have much support around you?

I don't think it's normal but yes, I've felt like this. After DD2 was born, I had severe PND. People would talk about the baby stage, and poor sleep etc and say "it will get better" and I'd just think "but I physically cannot wait for it to get better. I need it to be now because I cannot do another day". I was very distressed and suicidal, and was under the perinatal mental health team, who also just seemed to say it would get better but offered no actual help. Then I was off their books once DD2 turned 1.
It did get better, but it's not great, and even getting to this stage almost destroyed me and nearly ended my life.

How old are your children?

Thank you all so much. I found 1 child fine so thought I could manage 2, I was very very wrong. DP pulls his weight but it’s just us, and my life is complicated by a number of factors - chronic illness which is draining in itself but the condition means I can’t drive. We live semi rurally and while we have things nearby they’re just a bit too far to walk for the 4 year old, or down narrow country lanes with no pavements. We can never just be spontaneous and get in the car and go somewhere, the range of things we do is very limited and weather dependent. I don’t mind a bit of drizzle but it’s been really hammering down on and off for weeks. We spend so much time just stuck in the house.

The baby has a temperature so I’m going to be up all night with him or checking on him, then the oldest will be up at 6.30 for the day and I have no fucking idea how to keep them entertained for 11 hours, especially if he is still unwell.

@Padget im sorry to hear you are experiencing this as well, how are you feeling today? What caused you to despair if you don’t mind me asking? I recognise the head in the hands thing, I also catch myself pacing and the other week just repeated ‘i don’t want to’ over and over into my duvet. Which is really odd let’s face it.

I know you've said your DH pulls his weight but really if one of you (you) is up all through the night with a sick baby the other one should be up for the early start the next morning, even if they hand over an hour later to go to work. One person cannot shoulder all the sleep deprivation, it just doesn't work.

Also, do you have one of the TV subscriptions such as Netflix or Disney+? I'd just back-to-back some Christmas films for them tomorrow and get out some toys they don't usually play with (we alternate having the train set and the car tracks out or in boxes on top of their wardrobe so we always have something fresh to give them when they're at home).

When I was really ill with PND last year I found the MIND helpline was the most supportive out of all the helplines because a) they actually answered the phone and b) they had some useful support e.g. checking in with me every day for a few days when I was at my worst.

I often feel this way. One child has additional needs and it all gets too much sometimes.

I am feeling more and more like you are every day. I feel guilty for it because I know they don't stay little long and here's me wishing it away. My husband is also very supportive and pulls his weight but we don't have any support outside the family because my parents are shit and his are abroad.

I have no helpful advice but just waving a hello and you are sadly not alone.

I’ve been wfh whilst looking after the kids (Christmas week only, wouldn’t usually), responsible for everything and had no help at Christmas either (useless partner, won’t get into it..) it was raining all day, stir crazy energy. They were bickering, youngest didn’t nap so was grumpy by tea time… it was a perfect storm and I’d had enough!
Tomorrow will be better (I tell myself) as I’m not working, it shouldn’t be raining and we can get out to the park and burn some energy.
I work, and I 90% of everything at home and of course kids don’t appreciate that. It’s flooring and exhausting and soul destroying at times!
Sending more love and support 🩷

DP usually gets up with both kids and gives them breakfast, but I wake up the moment they do and can’t drop off again as my heart is racing and I feel sick knowing it is again the morning. And I have a full day of childcare ahead of me again. I doze lightly for a few hours every night, with a wake up or two in the middle, but that’s it. I don’t feel like I ‘sleep’ if that makes sense. I had my first daytime nap in many months on Christmas Eve and I must’ve gone into some kind of deep sleep as I woke confused thinking it was 2008. My brain feels like an overheated computer.

My oldest has never watched a film all the way through unfortunately; she can tolerate 10 minutes of screen time at most before getting bored, switching it off and climbing on me, or the furniture. She’s lovely but wants constant one on one play - board games, role play, that kind of thing. The baby is crawling and screams if I put him in a chair or anything restricting so I’m chasing after him as well.

Long term if you can't drive you could do with moving somewhere that is less rural. It sounds like you can't drive due to health condition so it's not easy for you.

Do you have any family who can help out? Can you afford nursery or childminder for the baby?

Also see if DH can take both out for the day - or at least an afternoon so you can have a sleep?

You need to get them into nursery.
This saved my sanity.
I was you ten years ago. Thankfully they are now brilliant teenagers.
I contemplated suicide for years ÷ 2 under 2
No help
Lived abroad.
Get the nursery sorted if will be life changing

No advice, just feel like I could’ve written this myself. And I only have one DC.
DH is a very hands on dad and partner, but otherwise we are completely alone. I feel so sad and lonely and just a shell of the bubbly, confident woman I used to be. I also feel guilty for DH taking on all the night wakings for the last few nights, but I’ve just not been able to face it. I thought him being around more over Christmas would help me as he will happily take LO off my hands, but in a strange way it’s been worse. Having to put on a brave face for relatives and pretend I’m happy when I’m just so sad all the time. I’ve not even had any playgroups to take LO to as a distraction as they don’t run during the school holidays. And I see people with older babies and toddlers and that stage just looks even more terrible. At almost 37 I don’t have time on my side for a second, but the thought of having two of these dictators is more than I can bear. I’m wishing the years away until LO doesn’t need me 24/7, and can’t tell a soul because it’s met with disgust and judgement that a mum could be so heartless.
LO has a place at nursery in March when I go back to work and I just hope the pp who said it saved their sanity is right and it does the same for me. Of course even that is met with mum-guilt as I know my velcro baby is going to find the transition very hard, but I just can’t think about that right now as the thought of going back to work is all that is giving me hope that I may feel more like myself again one day.

Have you tried… frozen? It literally freezes my two in place for at least 20 mins and just brings the energy right Down. I was sceptical too as my kids didn’t do films (1&3) but frozen is the perfect intro.
magnesium & rescue remedy supplements for sleep helped me. You will still wake up if you hear kids but helps with getting back to sleep quicker (I find). Also antidepressants? The right ones could give you that little bit of extra patience to start enjoying the days again
we lived rurally like you describe and it definitely makes things harder but do try and get out for as long as possible, it breaks up the day and wears the kids out!
that’s what kept me going at my lowest. You’re not alone, motherhood can be crushingly lonely tho

@Soverytiredzzzz yes nursery is the bees knees! Makes a huge difference to my MH. Worth every penny

I’ve been where you are OP. I recognise the sleep thing particularly as I remember sleeping very lightly when I was depressed & anxious. Sertraline really helped me! Also I took Phenergan (antihistamine) for a few nights when I first went on sertraline to help me sleep while it kicked in.
It does get better although my DD is autistic & currently not attending school so I find it very hard. But I don’t have the fear/ dread.

Your eldest is 4 ? so if you are in England she will be starting school in September.

She will not be climbing over the teacher, there are times she is expected to sit on a chair and do something, or sit on the carpeted floor and listen - yes they gets lots of outdoor playtime at that age but she cannot be running around in the classroom all day in a class of possibly 29 other children.

As you have said ' she can tolerate 10 minutes of screen time at most before getting bored, switching it off and climbing on me, or the furniture. She’s lovely but wants constant one on one play - board games, role play, that kind of thing. '

How will she be getting to / from school ?

It's so tough at times. Could you be anaemic

You can’t drive, you need to move. It won’t get better trust me. You Need to be able to Walk to places

I could cope with each thing individually but it's the pure relentlessness that got me so down. Take whatever breaks you can.

Being stuck in the house will be the worst, I feel for you because getting out was the one thing that changed things and wished I'd done more of it once I got into the swing of it. Can you even take a short bus trip just for the sake of it? You need to have somewhere you can mooch to.

Any toddler groups?

Imo parenting very young children is a very hard job! I look back to the days when my Mum had 3 of us under 5 years old and can't believe how she did it. No car, walking everywhere in all weathers, really hard life and generation before even more so. We do have it a lot easier in many ways but in others not so, especially fitting in around work. We drive more now and car congestion is horrific, would be quicker to walk if we could our little ones to do the same!

Sorry tangent there, yes it's bloody hard, it will get a bit easier once they mature and able to do things for themselves.

Meanwhile please ask for all the help you can, never feel embarrassed, talk to someone, especially your doctor as help wasn't there for previous generations but it is now. Xx

I remember feeling a lot like this and a random unplanned trip to butlins (of all places!)made me reevaluate my life . Basically I was living abroad, few local facilities and amenities for small kids, harsh dark winters etc. I’d planned a much needed trip back to the uk and the cheapest accommodation available was butlins , which was a place I wouldn’t have considered , but it was a cheap deal so that was that. But what a revelation. Kids entertainment all day while I sank into a beanbag and read crap magazines. Kids knackered at the end of each day , allowing me a well needed rest. Those butlins entertainers were like angels, taking my kids off to do crafts while I sat in the corner having my breakdown .
It gave me just a tiny weird bit of respite, which was enough to reevaluate how much toll my lifestyle was taking on my body and mind.
In that week I got enough mental distance to see with clarity the ways in which life had become really tough, and make a few changes, some tiny and some massive.
I’m not suggesting in any way that Butlins is a solution. Just that sometimes when we’re in the trenches of parenting it’s difficult to see what we need to thrive as parents. It’s so so hard being stuck at home with little ones without a big support network. You just take on more and more roles, being everything to everyone until eventually, you can’t.

God I totally remember. Can you move house? I would have lost the plot stuck inside like that. Also nursery? Anything to have a change of scene, break up the week. I know it feels hellish at the moment but it really does pass. Keep talking and take as much help as you can. Getting out and about was a lifesaver for me. Big hugs.

I agree with nursery, even just a couple of sessions a week just to give yourself some child free time. Does your eldest go at least? They will qualify for 15 free hours.
I've only got 1 but remember days like those,especially I'm lockdown and I also don't drive. Its relentless, nursery was a huge relief!

Yep, I was suicidal for a long time and would often make plans. The only thing that