Feel like I can’t face one more day. I just can’t.

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

Yes I’m depressed and yes I’m seeking treatment. This is really just me writing down my feelings in the hope it will lift even a tiny weight from my shoulders.

Is it normal to feel like this? Like you just cannot face one more day of sleep deprivation, mess, whinging, every little thing being made as difficult and time consuming as possible? My body is knackered from never resting or sleeping, lugging car seats around, pushing prams and lifting kids in and out of chairs/baths/cars. Mentally I’m utterly drained and sick of the sound of my own voice telling them not to do something, or not to break something, or not to hurt each other. My entire life is childcare from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them, only to be forced awake an hour later.

I wake up and just don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I love them both and they’re not actually difficult kids but I honestly can’t see how anyone enjoys this. I’m a shell of the person I used to be.

@cinematographersparty im so sorry you are experiencing this too. I just sobbed to DP that the worst thing is that the sleep deprivation and stress turn me into the kind of mum I don’t want to be - short tempered, snappy, boring - so as well as feeling bad I have the guilt on top, knowing I’m not the mother they deserve.

Sending massive commiserations OP. My DC is now 12 and i feel like you. Got teen years coming. I don't know how I'll survive.

I totally get that. I am so angry some days. Both my children are shit sleepers and I walk around like a zombie feeling numb until I flip and lose my temper. There are never any opportunities to catch up on sleep. We're looking into getting a night nanny for a few nights but it's so expensive.

Wishing you well. I hope you get some sleep soon. I feel like that's the key to everything else ... for me, anyway.

OP would you have the funds for the little one to go to the childminder for an extra day (or half day) a week so you could get a bit of mental respite? It is good you are seeking help, don’t underestimate what a big step that is. But if there was any leeway for you to have a little mental and physical space during the week I think would be godsend. Just to have the house to yourself with your own thoughts, or to just sleep.

You have burnt out.
Pure and not so simple burn out.

Before you protest, this does need to be done.

Your dh has to take a week off. Either annual or compassionate leave and completely take over. You sleep. Have baths. Eat well and have nothing at all to do with the dc. No bedtimes, baths. Nothing. You go out and see some friends. Watch a film when you start to feel better.

This is the only way. At some point in that week you will start to feel human again, then to smile and laugh and notice things and finally you will miss your children once again.

Eldest child needs to be in nursery. She is bored at home. Move to a town with fun things to do.

So what did your DH do? You sound utterly desperate. He needs to take the kids out for a day and give you a day of rest. Are there grandparents that could give you both some respite for a day or even better overnight?

It will get better, going back to work will help your sanity. But you need to have some rest.

My BIL booked my sister into a premier inn for a night. Only a little thing, but she said just being able to take a bath in peace, drink a glass of wine and watch a film uninterrupted, go to sleep at 9pm, eat a breakfast she hadn’t made for the first time in 5 years went a long way to resetting her batteries and putting her on the road to recovery after parental burn out. It didn’t solve the problem but it helped kickstart her recovery.

No grandparents around. Mine live overseas and DP’s had him late in life, so they’re now in their mid 70s and riddled with health issues. They would probably help if we asked but they’re not safe to watch the kids at all. The baby is breastfed (has CMPA so formula not an option, and I’ve been advised against the prescription formula) and I can only pump 2oz at a time maximum. I’ve been given the green light to replace a few feeds with Alpro follow on milk when he reaches 10 months so that’s something.

DP does more than his fair share. He works FT (same job as me, it’s very very stressful - people’s well-being in your hands type of role), gets up with both kids so I can have an extra hour in bed, and regularly comes through if he can hear DS cry in the night. Sometimes I hand DS over but I won’t sleep anyway so what’s the point in both of us being exhausted? He has taken them both out for a morning/afternoon but it’s not as simple as just lying down and sleeping for 4 hours. It takes me an hour minimum to fall asleep, and I just cannot stay asleep for that long, especially not during the day. The best I’ve got is a 45 minute nap. And that made me feel groggy.

I’m sorry to be one of those posters for whom there’s always a reason that X or Y solution wouldn’t work. But I’ve tried everything.

Maybe it’s more mental exhaustion then rather that actual tiredness. Could you give yourself a different kind of break, something non child related. Whatever would be good for your soul- gym, swimming, a bottomless brunch, cinema, spa, shopping, a hike. Just something to lift your spirits.

Failing that, you’re just going to have to ride it out. It’s tough but it won’t always be like this. It will be different in even a few months. This time next year, you will be in a better place (unless you have third!)

You need one night a week when you get a solid night’s sleep. Agree the day with dh and get sleeping tablets from your gp. Take the lowest dose one day a week and you’ll feel like a new woman.

mine wasn’t dc related but bullying at work meaning I struggled to sleep and had suicidal thoughts (no previous mh issues). Sleep made it bearable and gave me a different perspective. Worth a try just for a few weeks as they are addictive which is why I suggest once a week.

I second someone else's suggestion that you may need to medicate for the anxiety aspect.

It's hard to function when you are very anxious.
Please see your GP asap/ask for urgent appointment.

You are doing enough 🤗

I agree, I was the same and could barely sleep even when baby was asleep. Every tiny noise had me waking up feeling anxious, anti depressants sorted me out and allowed me to sleep again

One of the mums must have a good sleeper? You can then go to have drinks at their house? Or invite some mums back to yours in the evening?

I agree you need a full week off.

@Pleasehelpimexhausted Hope your night wasn’t too grim and you can get a bit of help from the doctor with your sleep. I remember that anxious feeling, horrible. I was the other way around from you and more anxious with my first. Couldn’t switch off to sleep even when he did sleep. Hideous. Dark days. Keep talking and try and search out help. We’re all here too 💐

Actually I've had a thought -with my mum friends we tend to go out for dinner rather than drinks. That suits me because I'm such a lightweight these days that one glass and I'm totally hammered, plus they are so expensive and I can't imagine going out dancing all night any more.

Going for dinner OTOH, you get to have a conversation, it's early enough you're done by ten or eleven and can go to bed people can choose to share a bottle of wine, cocktails, have just one drink or stick to soft drinks, whatever they like.

I can really relate to everything you're saying OP. I have two children aged 5 and under, and I feel like I'm barely a human being any more. Our parents don't help us at all (but obv my mum criticises me endlessly). The sleep deprivation is torture. Add illness, rain and cold to the mix... I've been taken to the brink over Xmas. And I agree that there are no easy solutions.

One thing I do recommend is seeing a therapist once a week. Go private if you can afford it. It's wonderful to have a space that is just for me, when my life revolves around doing things for other people 24/7.

Thanks everyone I am reading everything and taking it on board.

Last night was better than expected I got a 4 hour stretch plus I think another couple of hours broken up. DS is actually napping in his cot so DP has taken DD out on her scooter and won’t bring her back until I’m ready. Which has given me the chance to have a coffee in silence and do some cleaning (mentally I feel so much better in a tidy-ish and clean house).

I will ask the GP about anti anxiety meds when I stop breastfeeding next month, although sertraline normally sorts me out at a high dose. I will see how DS settles with the childminder and if it goes well I will add an extra day just to sleep and catch up on things around the house.

I really think sleep is the main problem for most people in these situations from what I have read here and my own experience. I feel if I could get 6 unbroken hours a night I could deal with pretty much anything in a calm and positive way, but with no sleep I’m quite literally a different person. It’s torture, it really is.

What is the reason for the amino acid formula not being an option? My daughter has multiple food allergies and
for my health had to switch her to formula at 10 months. She has a coconut allergy so could only have alfamino. She stayed on it until 2 years and thrived. It allowed her to reach symptom free for her allergies at about 15 months and we would never have done so if I was still breastfeeding. We made the move to formula when I was in a psychiatric hospital but had been trying to combifeed with allergy free formula from 8 months but couldn't get it to work for us. I think if we had I would have stayed out of hospital

Contact your local Homestart. Just Google , they can provide a volunteer who will not only take the children off your hands but can also be a sane friend to you .

@Pleasehelpimexhausted It sounds like with a chronic illness in the mix plus two young children you really have a lot on your plate, and that strategies to help a bit with the overwhelm are hampered by being rural and not being able to drive. I really feel for you.

Ignore this if not helpful, but just trying to think outside the box: could you afford taxis to and from a play group or activity for every morning / other morning of the week, for perhaps a few weeks? I found getting out of the house helped me a lot when at my lowest. It gave the kids much needed stimulation, and gave me a change of environment. And I could look round d and see how battered some of the other mums felt that day / week too, and helped me have a glimpse that my struggle was not unique to me, which made it a bit easier.

Also - where you said I have no fucking idea how to keep them entertained for 11 hours - I totally get this, and I used to find it extremely hard to occupy them (for different reasons, mine are both autistic and attention span low and sensory seeking needs high). What I did was make a very basic visual timetable board (laminated a4 sheet with two lines of Velcro stuck lengthways across it), then took photographs of all the activities I could think of, and printed them on little tiles and laminated them. Then each morning I sat either the kids at breakfast and let them each choose some activities to do that day, and then I assembled them in an order on the timetable so we knew what was happening in what order. I tried to alternate physical things with sitting still things. Eg:

Breakfast
"Gym" time in the lounge (wheelbarrow walks, rolling on a yoga mat, bouncing on mini trampoline)
Play doh at the table
Doing cosmic kids yoga on the TV
Listening to an audiobook
Lunch
Etc

I would recommend that whatever your kids seem to like, to throw loads of it at them. If they like water, you can do a water activity each day:
Sit in bath in swimsuit and wash all the plastic toys.
Wash potatoes and carrots at the kitchen sink.
If you have a garden, bowl of soapy water and sponge to wash a toy car like a car wash etc.

Arming yourself with lots and lots of different activities can be really helpful, although that needs motivation to get it going, which I know is in short supply when you're battling with depression.

Well done for asking for help on here - asking for help is a sign of strength. You will get through this x

Thank you very much, I like the idea of the picture board and will give it a go.

We have no garden - that doesn’t help either. In fact it’s a real pain, being able to take them outside to play would really break the day up and make us feel we had been ‘outside’ even if not ‘out’. It’s particularly hard in summer, I can’t just put a paddling pool out for the day’s activity. It’s pack the pram up with everything and do suncream to walk to the park, then back again every time DD needs the toilet or a break inside.

Up until 2 weeks ago we didn’t even have a dish washer, we were doing it all by hand. Just feels like every tool other mums have to help them aren’t available to me. Makes it all five times worse

No pressure here at all , but if breastfeeding is taking its toll on you and it is contributing to you feeling low and bogged down then think about stopping .

There are no laws to say how long you must breastfeed for..
Dropping some control may help you.

When you look back you will just be pleased you did some BF ,you won't need to focus on the length of time.

Try and remove your current emotions abit and make some decisions to benefit YOU aswell as your children.
All of this won't be important in years to come.

You are doing enough 🤗

I’m stopping breastfeeding in 1 month and moving onto oat milk with the approval of DS’s dietician. I’ve explained I just can’t continue, physically it drains me, the hormones just aren’t good for me and make my mood worse. I need to stop so I can explore my options re anti anxiety and depression medication and also so I’m not on a 4 hour timer being away from DS.

They said at this point most babies don’t like the hypoallergic formula and it can become more of a problem in itself getting them to take it.

Today started okay but got very stressed towards teatime which I’ve noticed is a trigger point for me; probably because it’s dark, night is looming and I have to cook yet another fucking dinner. The kids are also crankier and I start to feel anxious about not getting any sleep.

DS seems to do nothing but whinge and cry the last week or so, he’s just started crawling but also his teeth are coming through and he’s in a permanent bad mood. He’s only happy when I’m carrying him around, I dared to sit down holding him earlier and he had a full on screaming fit. It’s fucking exhausting.

I really struggle with what to ‘do’ with my children day to day. I find the hours so hard to fill and DS is at an age where he needs constant entertainment but can’t talk or do much himself, it feels like all we ever do is go for walks or play with toys. I’ve given up on baby groups as every time we go (and I mean every time) DS picks up yet another fucking cold or virus and my sleep (and stress levels) are even worse for days afterwards. His last cold lasted 6 weeks and I got no sleep in that time. It just isn’t worth it for 1 hour out of the house.

I hear you. I have an 8yo and 1yo. Struggled a lot with my older one until he turned 3. Hated the younger years so much. It's the pointless trying to entertain them, not being able to do ANYTHING while they are awake and just the carrying them and all their stuff around. I then had my baby and confirmed it's the baby stage that I hate. If dh isn't here I can't get a single thing done. I don't know what other people do? Do you just tag around your child the entire time.? My baby DOES NOT sit in a high chair or anything like that. She constantly wants to be carried or be entertained. HOW do people do it. I cannot wait for this stage to be over. Hate , hate it so much. Sorry for derailing.

Gosh you’re not detailing at all, it’s comforting to read other mums feel the same even if I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, so please rant away! I know what you mean, what on earth do other parents do with them?? The answers are always the same - bit of messy play, a walk - but seriously you fill 11 hours a day with this and still manage to keep on top of the house and all the other jobs? It’s fucking impossible.