Am I contributing enough? Dad to 11 month old

[bamboo34]

Hello. I wanted to ask for some outside perspectives on our family situation. Over Christmas the situation at home has become quite tense and I am unsure of the reason why. I suspect it is because my partner is unsatisfied with my contribution toward looking after our daughter and I wanted to give some context and ask for some views:

1. Does my contribution to parenting look fair? I often feel guilty, rightly or wrongly, that I’m not doing enough. Is there anything more I could be doing to help out my partner and our daughter?
2. From what I’ve described, is there anything that might be causing my partner to be unlike herself?

Situation

• Our daughter is 11 months old.
• She was a delight when very young but now has become more difficult to manage - always on the move, suffering from quite severe separation anxiety, doesn’t settle easily for dad or anyone else that isn’t mum at nighttime.
• She will be starting nursery in early January.
• She requires frequent contact naps in the day.
• She wakes up between one and three times in the night.
• Mum doesn’t seem like herself - very tired and very stressed, short and snappy. I think she is quite anxious about going back to work.She isn’t normally particularly open about her emotions and she has been even more closed up about things recently, despite asking lots about how she is feeling.
• I recently tried starting to try and encourage our daughter to self soothe for a couple of nights, which didn’t go well and mum reacted very angrily to this because I didn’t consult her about it first.
• I don’t know whether I’m doing anything to upset my partner or not contributing enough. Before our daughter was born, we were perfectly fine and have had a grand total of one proper argument in the six years we’ve known each other.

My contribution

• I work an intensive job full time (upwards of 55 hours a week, mainly working from home)
• Handling any small wakings between 8pm-midnight (I did this between the ages of 0-6 months, but after her sleep improved this lapsed and I have only recently resumed full responsibility for this time period)
• Cooks and feeds breakfasts nearly every day
• Makes up bottles of milk at nighttime
• ~50% cooking of evening meals
• Lots of, if not nearly all, housework - hoovering, cleaning, washing up, cleaning cat litter
• ~50% supervising baby dinnertime
• All bathtimes daily
• All garden work and house maintenance

Mum’s contribution

• Has been quite strong in setting the household parenting ethos
• All night feeds (because daughter doesn’t settle with dad, between 1-3 a night even at 11 months, most commonly 2 per night)
• Looks after baby between 8am - 5pm Monday to Friday but will go back to work 3 days a week from January
• All lunchtime prep and feeding
• ~50% cooking of evening meals
• ~50% supervising baby dinnertime
• All baby classes - baby gymnastics, swimming lessons, sensory classes
• Some housework when time allows

It's always women who seem to be able to manage night waking and working. And it's always men who either can't manage night waking and working or are excused it because they have to work.

My DH shared almost all night waking with me and in those days he worked a very stressful job which was constantly on the move (ie not an office desk job) 6am-6pm. He was physically tired. I ebf. Dh did the winding and settling of both our babies.

Mum has the baby 24 7 and you pop in occasionally between 8 and 12pm? No you are not equal! Also op didn't say he did all the housework, he said house maintenance which usually means painting and decorating, alongside gardening so sounds to me like mum does all the laundry and cleaning too.

Have you talked to your partner about this. Say you’re worried about her, you can see she is tired and stressed and what can be done about it.

Tell her you are there to support each other, you think she’s amazing and make sure she knows you want it to be an equal team.

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB Can I say that for most of the families that I have worked with (over a decade) the majority of fathers have shared the night wakings, despite their jobs. Because guess what? They love their wife/partner and they love their baby too. (I should also add that it was also my personal experience with my dp and our baby too).

Oh and in addition to that, they get their own baby/toddler/child ready for nursery/kindergarten/school too. And shock horror, some dads can even style their daughters hair! (Which is quite exceptional because who has ever heard of a male hairdresser before.) Some dads can even prepare food and cook meals. (Are there even any male chefs in the world)?

It, in my experience has only been a minority that refuses to share getting up during the night to attend to their baby. So when pp (such as earringsandlipsticks) tries to gaslight me into believing that my posts are strange for advocating for both parents to share the night wakings, I know that it is bullshit.

FWIW I think that Susan Kennedy should LTB too. 😉

She's got it made.

Not so, in my experience. When both parents are at work, it can & should be shared fairly. I know as many men dealing with disturbed nights as women.

The point was about women on maternity leave, and yes, they should - and typically do - more of the night waking / settling than men.

Can't believe some of you think men should be excused from night wakings as the mum is "relaxing" on maternity leave. Why should one parent be on call 247 and the other gets undisturbed sleep? Some babies don't nap in the day and are more difficult than others so it's not always a holiday. Unless the other parent works in a role where it's dangerous to be a bit tired like surgeon, air traffic controller or long distance driver I'm sure they can cope with being a bit sleepy while sat at a desk most of the day.

Plus it can take a long time to recover from childbirth and the complications that come with it!

🙄

Almost no-one said this (and maybe no-one).

Do try & read people's posts before getting all outraged.

If a mum is on maternity leave, they are primarily caring for their DC. That's the point. No, they shouldn't do everything eg evenings / weekends but weeknights would typically (not always) be their responsibility.

Of course it's tiring but as a minimum during maternity leave you have some flexibility with your day & possibly time to rest. It's not the case if you are in paid employment with externally set conditions & deadlines.

I never said "no men do working and night waking"

Those that are exused from it are always men. There's a difference.

Those that are expected to manage with and not complain about combining work and night waking are always women. There is a difference.

Why don’t people actually read the OP before making assumptions and commenting, it’s all in there, among other things they do..

• Lots of, if not nearly all, housework - hoovering, cleaning, washing up, cleaning cat litter
• ~50% supervising baby dinnertime
• All bathtimes daily
• All garden work and house maintenance

Also does the baby’s night wakings between 8-12pm.