Am I contributing enough? Dad to 11 month old

[bamboo34]

Hello. I wanted to ask for some outside perspectives on our family situation. Over Christmas the situation at home has become quite tense and I am unsure of the reason why. I suspect it is because my partner is unsatisfied with my contribution toward looking after our daughter and I wanted to give some context and ask for some views:

1. Does my contribution to parenting look fair? I often feel guilty, rightly or wrongly, that I’m not doing enough. Is there anything more I could be doing to help out my partner and our daughter?
2. From what I’ve described, is there anything that might be causing my partner to be unlike herself?

Situation

• Our daughter is 11 months old.
• She was a delight when very young but now has become more difficult to manage - always on the move, suffering from quite severe separation anxiety, doesn’t settle easily for dad or anyone else that isn’t mum at nighttime.
• She will be starting nursery in early January.
• She requires frequent contact naps in the day.
• She wakes up between one and three times in the night.
• Mum doesn’t seem like herself - very tired and very stressed, short and snappy. I think she is quite anxious about going back to work.She isn’t normally particularly open about her emotions and she has been even more closed up about things recently, despite asking lots about how she is feeling.
• I recently tried starting to try and encourage our daughter to self soothe for a couple of nights, which didn’t go well and mum reacted very angrily to this because I didn’t consult her about it first.
• I don’t know whether I’m doing anything to upset my partner or not contributing enough. Before our daughter was born, we were perfectly fine and have had a grand total of one proper argument in the six years we’ve known each other.

My contribution

• I work an intensive job full time (upwards of 55 hours a week, mainly working from home)
• Handling any small wakings between 8pm-midnight (I did this between the ages of 0-6 months, but after her sleep improved this lapsed and I have only recently resumed full responsibility for this time period)
• Cooks and feeds breakfasts nearly every day
• Makes up bottles of milk at nighttime
• ~50% cooking of evening meals
• Lots of, if not nearly all, housework - hoovering, cleaning, washing up, cleaning cat litter
• ~50% supervising baby dinnertime
• All bathtimes daily
• All garden work and house maintenance

Mum’s contribution

• Has been quite strong in setting the household parenting ethos
• All night feeds (because daughter doesn’t settle with dad, between 1-3 a night even at 11 months, most commonly 2 per night)
• Looks after baby between 8am - 5pm Monday to Friday but will go back to work 3 days a week from January
• All lunchtime prep and feeding
• ~50% cooking of evening meals
• ~50% supervising baby dinnertime
• All baby classes - baby gymnastics, swimming lessons, sensory classes
• Some housework when time allows

Sounds like a fair balance to me.

Can't get upset over the night thing like other posters, I did it all because I was on maternity leave and my husband wasn't. I didn't have to get up and go to work, he did, and if we'd had a shit night, I could choose to lay about in PJs all day if I wanted - he couldn't.

As it was I went back to work 4 days a week when baby was 8 months old, and he didn't sleep for more than 3 hours until he was 2. Nobody died. I wasn't 'shattered' because by that point I was well into a routine of waking and your body adjusts.

People get way too hung up on who has to do nights and whether it's fair. I think it's fair that the person not working does it, but obviously when she starts working you could share this.

As it was I went back to work 4 days a week when baby was 8 months old, and he didn't sleep for more than 3 hours until he was 2. Nobody died. I wasn't 'shattered' because by that point I was well into a routine of waking and your body adjusts

Did you and your dh share the night wakes once you were back at work?

I really don't understand why so many women on MN are so 'oh, but he works'. I mean, I've always worked and done the parenting too, I don't have a wife, unfortunately.

🤔

My point on this was he is working now, while she's on maternity leave. It is her role to take on more of the care, right now. When they both work, they re-evaluate.

I, too, always worked and was a parent. On maternity leave I expected to be the parent doing most of the immediate care.

My H is now an ex and a terrible human. But when he was there & they were small, they'd settle well for him. I was lucky, my DC were fairly easy that way.

However both my DSis & DSIL have had babies who would not settle for their very involved & competent DHs. It didn't mean they didn't do their share but they needed their mums, and that tended to be what they had to deal with, for a period. Didn't mean they didn't spend lots of time with them otherwise.

No need for 'mortification'.

work an intensive job full time (upwards of 55 hours a week, mainly working from home) so has she spent 11 months tiptoeing around whilst you David Brent loudly on Zoom?

Handling any small wakings between 8pm-midnight good you've got back onto this. Do not make a massive deal out of it. She's getting less sleep than you.

Cooks and feeds breakfasts nearly every day does this mean she gets a lie in or os she doing something else during this time?

Makes up bottles of milk at nighttime how much milk is she having overnight at 1?

Lots of, if not nearly all, housework - hoovering, cleaning, washing up, cleaning cat litter
All bathtimes daily
All garden work and house maintenance

You'll see this as you doing SO MUCH MORE THAN OTHER MEN but please understand, she's exhausted, touched out, sleep deprived in the kind of long term state whereby even if she gets a single full night's sleep it actually makes it worse!

You need to start helping with the night sleeps. If it's a night she's not at work the next day, then it's reasonable she does them, but when you're both in the next day, you need to split them. I'd start now by offering to take one weekend night. And don't just say that then leave her to cry because of you're sleep training covertly. If you want to sleep train, talk to her.

The housework should even put over time to her doing more as she gets more sleep and you do more nights

Can you offer her a night away before she goes back to work?

My point on this was he is working now, while she's on maternity leave. It isher role to take on more of the care, right now. When they both work, they re-evaluate

But by that point baby and dad have missed a whole year of learning how to be with each other. Now all of a sudden baby is in childcare all day and getting half their home care done by someone who (in their own words) can't settle them.

Also, why are you working 55 hours?

Because your family is skint or because you choose to?

No, we didn't - I carried on because I was in the routine, and I would wake anyway so then we'd both be up which is pointless. He has a physical job, I have a sitting at a desk job working from home so it made sense, for us anyway.

I was absolutely destroyed after 11 months of no sleeping. You could be describing my child. A few things that may help...

• we started to do car naps, drive a 10 min loop then managed to transfer to cot. That hour was great for a nap or just to eat. We did this for a whole year!
• take the baby out for at least 4 hours on a weekend and allow your wife some down time. Do this regularly.
• asks if she'd like a night away (hotel or at her mum's) while you keep the baby. Unbroken sleep is much needed.
• gently discuss sleep training or a sleep plan going forward. Make a plan together. With my second I wanted to stop breast feeding but too tired to deal with the night crying so DH stepped in and did all night wakes for a few weeks.
• if you work from home can you take the baby on your lunch break while wife preps lunch. I used to love cooking if it gave me a break from the baby!
• discuss her fears over returning to work and baby starting nursery. It's a big change. Any prep you can do to prepare the baby from being away from mum will make the process easier.

This is a time of massive change and a challenging time in child development. Things do get better.

It really depends on the baby. My daughter was 1 before dad could hold her. She had reflux and over 20 food allergies which took until 15 months to identify. She reacted to foods I ate and at one point I had 40-50 foods excluded in my diet and she still cried most of the day. My partner tried but it was very limited. He took her every Saturday and Sunday morning, in the early days he had to keep bringing her back to me for setting but it tried to ride out the tears as much as possible.There was one day that I was completely exhausted and she was reacting to formula her GP had incorrectly prescribed she screamed and screamed at me from 7pm until 12pm and dad took over and she continued screaming until half 3.

It hurt my partner so much as I had severe treatment resistant depression with pyschosis and he felt completely helpless. I ended up being admitted to a mother and baby unit. The staff tried to hold her but even me walking to the bin would cause her to scream. We put her in nursery 1-2 days a week whilst I stayed on the ward and dad couldn't settle her. We did just 1 day after the first week or 2 as he would have to pace with her from 8pm to 3am waiting for her to just crash.

Once her reflux and allergies were under better control between 12 and 18 months she was better as settling for dad but only because she was better at being settled in general.

Being on maternity leave shouldn't necessarily mean mum is the only one doing night feeds unless she is exclusively breastfeeding and or single.

I was solely responsible for our children when DH was at work, but once home, it was equally our responsibility, and that included night feedings, because guess what? Constant sleep deprivation is not ideal for mothers of new babies either!
If you're expecting mum and dad to share night waking once she goes back to work outside of the home then dad can share it from the get go.

You’re (understandably) trying to change or fix things which makes it harder, but your wife hasn’t got capacity for it to get harder right now. So instead support her in what she is doing. Can she take a nap at some point, can you make sure she has food/water whatever she needs. Can she get some time to herself ever or other things like that to make it easier on her. Maybe take the baby out so she can’t hear the cries. She probably can’t Eve switch off, even when you’re doing supervising dinner for example, she knows she could be needed at any point, whereas you get to switch off.
she’s probably also terrified that she’s struggling right now and then she’s going to be at work soon on top of it all.
also if you’re doing 50/50 that’s great, but you’re doing your 50% on a full nights sleep, whereas she’s probably over a year at this point without more than a few broken hours at a time, so it’s not actually equal effort.

Sorry, this is rubbish.

I'm not saying a father should never do a night waking.

But they do not need to share it equally or during the week.

Plenty of ways to bond & connect, and doing the nights at weekends or when the baby is sick - all fine. It's just silly to suggest a father is doing something wrong if they are not sharing each night waking.

Or a middle ground? It's the nature of his work / linked to promotion?

Good advice here.

But in a relationship where the balance clearly isn't working, the wife is very clearly struggling and the husband is looking for suggestions to improve his marriage it is sensible to suggest. A husband who is happy to watch his wife struggle and not change things is not a good one.

A husband who is happy to watch his wife struggle and not change things is not a good one.

Well that's clearly not true is it? He's posted here asking for advice about what to do.

It just doesn't have to be sharing each night waking, there's lots of other options.

I didn't say the OP was a bad husband. I said husbands that don't offer to help are.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Well, you quoted my post which was in response to the post about the OP needing to share night wakings. That was the context of my point. We aren't talking here about fathers who do nothing, this thread is about a very involved father who is wondering if he is supporting his wife enough or correctly.

My point is that, if he took your advice and said, 'I'm doing enough, night wakings are your problem, I'm going to bed now, see you tommorow' then the situation is going to worsen. And he wouldn't be supporting his wife if he did that.

I think the main problem is that neither OP and his wife are communicating effectively, it ultimately doesn’t matter who does what, it’s what they’re both happy with that matters.

if OP is working a full week and taking care of ALL housework, and doing 50% of childcare when he’s not working, then I think asking him to do more (as in night wakings) is a bit of a piss take to be honest.

His wife is obviously struggling but then she needs to communicate her needs effectively, not have OP treading on eggshells with no clue what’s wrong and how to help solve it to the point where he’s asking on the internet for solutions, they need to find a way to open communications.

This is so true.. it is a bone of contention with us. We have much more equitable split e.g. every morning my DH took our baby when they woke up and I could sleep in which was the only thing that kept me same. Similarly taking baby in sling in afternoon at weekends to have a nap in the afternoon. However the fact I always asked/ checked if the time is Ok for me to go have a shower/poo/ cook/ do any wrrand whilst my DH doesn't is annoying.

One of the best things for me was to join a choir and having at least 1.5hrs a week to myself (started at about 11 months) and every week without fail I leave at the allotted time. Knowing I have that time to myself made a significant difference to my resentment. (This could be going for a walk or meet a friend or a swim or whatever)

Essentially, this…

If she is displaying signs of extreme stress, it doesn’t really matter how much you are doing, you aren’t doing enough.

if your wife needs you to pick up more as she is struggling, presenting her with your spreadsheet to show how much you do, isnt going to help.

Absolutely this.

And I disagree with the pp who say you shouldn’t be sharing the night waking because you work in paid employment and she is on maternity leave.

What absolute rubbish. That is the attitude of misogynists who completely devalue and underestimate the hardworking effort that goes into caring for infants and babies. And for those who said it was so easy for them: you are either lying or you had a very easygoing baby or you were a lazy neglectful parent.

If your partner is leaving the house with the baby to go to baby groups and swimming etc while you stay home to work from home then she really does need more sleep.

Except that wasn't my advice. At all.

It's really strange the way some posters are unable to read even quite clear posts.