Am I contributing enough? Dad to 11 month old

[bamboo34]

Hello. I wanted to ask for some outside perspectives on our family situation. Over Christmas the situation at home has become quite tense and I am unsure of the reason why. I suspect it is because my partner is unsatisfied with my contribution toward looking after our daughter and I wanted to give some context and ask for some views:

1. Does my contribution to parenting look fair? I often feel guilty, rightly or wrongly, that I’m not doing enough. Is there anything more I could be doing to help out my partner and our daughter?
2. From what I’ve described, is there anything that might be causing my partner to be unlike herself?

Situation

• Our daughter is 11 months old.
• She was a delight when very young but now has become more difficult to manage - always on the move, suffering from quite severe separation anxiety, doesn’t settle easily for dad or anyone else that isn’t mum at nighttime.
• She will be starting nursery in early January.
• She requires frequent contact naps in the day.
• She wakes up between one and three times in the night.
• Mum doesn’t seem like herself - very tired and very stressed, short and snappy. I think she is quite anxious about going back to work.She isn’t normally particularly open about her emotions and she has been even more closed up about things recently, despite asking lots about how she is feeling.
• I recently tried starting to try and encourage our daughter to self soothe for a couple of nights, which didn’t go well and mum reacted very angrily to this because I didn’t consult her about it first.
• I don’t know whether I’m doing anything to upset my partner or not contributing enough. Before our daughter was born, we were perfectly fine and have had a grand total of one proper argument in the six years we’ve known each other.

My contribution

• I work an intensive job full time (upwards of 55 hours a week, mainly working from home)
• Handling any small wakings between 8pm-midnight (I did this between the ages of 0-6 months, but after her sleep improved this lapsed and I have only recently resumed full responsibility for this time period)
• Cooks and feeds breakfasts nearly every day
• Makes up bottles of milk at nighttime
• ~50% cooking of evening meals
• Lots of, if not nearly all, housework - hoovering, cleaning, washing up, cleaning cat litter
• ~50% supervising baby dinnertime
• All bathtimes daily
• All garden work and house maintenance

Mum’s contribution

• Has been quite strong in setting the household parenting ethos
• All night feeds (because daughter doesn’t settle with dad, between 1-3 a night even at 11 months, most commonly 2 per night)
• Looks after baby between 8am - 5pm Monday to Friday but will go back to work 3 days a week from January
• All lunchtime prep and feeding
• ~50% cooking of evening meals
• ~50% supervising baby dinnertime
• All baby classes - baby gymnastics, swimming lessons, sensory classes
• Some housework when time allows

You should have equal leisure time and equal sleep.

You need to discuss and be unified on dealing with the sleep issues.

With her about to start nursery I'm not sure it's the time to change things too much tbh.

You do sound like you do a lot. If you’re doing all housework and laundry then that is a BIG undertaking! Dealing with a baby is mentally exhausting though and I do understand how she feels. My husband tries to be affectionate towards me and I often just shrug it off on the way past as I’m in the middle of something. My brain is always on and I am always onto the next job needing done whereas I feel like I look round in the middle of running from one thing to the next and he’s lying on the sofa. I would say if this is ever you just match what she is doing. Do not rest until she rests, that’s my only advice 😂

From your description I think she’s probably shattered and anxious about going back to work. if she isn’t a great communicator anyway, it’s quite normal to turn in on yourself.

I think

You are doing enough (although you don’t mention weekends - do you get equal time off?)

It is about to change when she goes back to work. You will have to cover 1 or 2 nights a week (alternate).

I would kick off a discussion on the grounds that things will have to change so now is a good time to talk about what is / isn’t working for both of you.

You need to apologise for not discussing the self-soothing with her. I probably would feel the same in your situation- but you gotta discuss this stuff.

I sense some frustration in your comment that she’s set the tone for parenting. I’m quite a believer in getting babies into a routine and I’m not a fan of contact naps, so I sympathise - but this has been her FT job for a year so she was always going to be the boss.

That does need to start to change now. The first thing I would focus on is working on letting the baby let you settle her. Babies will always have preferences but for both your sakes the baby needs to get used to you - this can be done you just have to grit your teeth through it.

you saw the issue as baby wakes. Your wife sees the issue as we don’t share the wakes. I would have lost it if my husband left our baby to cry it out (self soothe….).

While I was on mat leave I did most of the wakes but I was breastfeeding so that was the only way really. You mention bottles so your baby’s wakes can be shared - even just the weekend ones?

She’s broken through lack of sleep, mate. From experience: she will feel permanently dizzy, foggy, her head will hurt, her resilience for anything remotely testing will be whisper thin, she will make mistakes and be clumsy and her judgment will be off. Her hair, skin and nails will suffer. Her relationships generally will suffer as she won’t have capacity to look after anyone else.

You need to work together to help her get more sleep.

What happens on weekends? Does she get lie ins? Do you take the baby out for whole mornings/afternoons?

When she gives the baby to you, do you keep looking after her regardless of the screaming, or hand her back?

Also, is there any chance you are being “competitively tired” with her? Ie with your intensive job and baby care are you suggesting to her that you are tired too? You may well be, but it won’t be in the same league. Please start thinking about what she’s going through as a massive sacrifice she is making for your daughter (and you!) which is making her feel very unwell.

Maths doesn't add up.

You work 55hours a week.

Mum has baby 8-5 daily (5days) = 45 hours. Who does the other 10?

Mum isn't having baby 45 hours or 55 hours as she is also doing nights.

Whose doing all the mental load stuff? Will this change once she's back at work?

She is likely worried about adding work but not subtracting much as she contact sleeps. Functioning on poor quality broken sleep as an employee is different to functioning without external work. How is she going to get to work on time? Will her clothes fit? She will be separated from her baby which is anxiety provoking.

I'm not sure why people are fixated on the hours you work. Like most people with kids, I assume you stop from 5-7 for tea/bath/bed and then keep working when they've gone to sleep. No need for your wife to do anything with that time other than sleep!

Who is doing the food shopping, medical appointments (dentists), clothes shopping, washing, meal planning and food shopping, planning and making Christmas happen? You’ve missed these off your lists of chores.

What do you mean by encouraging her to self-soothe? Do you mean you left your baby to cry?

If that's what you did, that's awful,

Your wife needs to sleep at night. You need to discuss what you can do to make this happen. One option is a sleep consultant. Another is that she goes away for a couple of nights so baby gets used to you doing the nights. Who does the contact naps on the weekends? That is where I would start - it should be you every time so she gets used to you.

Sent too soon. If you left your baby to cry that's awful and I would struggle with trusting you with my baby again.

There’s loads I want to say. Becoming parents is really bloody hard on both of you. But it is difficult to explain the feeling of being the main carer and how overwhelming that can be, esp if you’re not sleeping.

My guess is that she’s freaking out about how it’s going to work when she goes back to work. She’ll be feeling particularly sensitive and worried about any discrepancies in what you both do at the moment, especially the sleep.

Have you initiated any discussions about that?

I am a night owl and my partner is a lark. I am happy to do majority of the nights but he does the mornings a the weekend and I get to have a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. He has done this every Saturday and Sunday for the last 3 years!

We both get a bath a week. Having an hour when I am not on call to be mum and be more inaccessible than just being in another room reading. This started when I had bad touch out syndrome due to my baby being in my arms for 23h a day. I also struggled with self care due to severe depression and was going 2-3 weeks without washing and brushing my hair.

If you want to know what you could do more to help your other half. Make her a cup of tea, hold the baby and ask her. Many of the things that my partner has done for me that has been the most helpful have had less to do with being a dad and being someone that understands me, the way my mind works and what we can do to support one another through a truly shit year. 2 years on its better but I can't lie the first year tested everything essence of us and fundamentally changed our relationship. This has moved back towards what it was before communicating our own needs it key

What self sooth method did you try?

As soon as it becomes a parenting competition, you've both lost. No one wins, everyone is hurt.
This stage will pass.

I was watching Xmas Ghosts the other night. While they were bathing the baby, the mil came to the door and both parents turned to talk to her and from the point of
the edit, you couldn't see the baby in the bath and none of the three characters were looking directly at the baby. I felt so stressed, so worried about a baby on a TV programme my heart rate went up, I was ridiculously worried about a baby, who wasn't in shot, that wasn't mine on the telly.
My kids are now 17 & 15, I'm actually a pretty laid back as a parent but that first year of being on-call, with sleep deprivation 24hours a day, week after week was horrific and I not sure my brain has ever recovered properly.
I should have had more time without responsibility. I wish my husband had been more confident about parenting, I fully carried the mental load, prepping him, constantly on call, getting stupid texts about lost property, etc
I'm should have had the chance to reset the responsibility. Just a few hours would have made such a difference. Regular would have been great.

How often does your wife actually, properly get, without ultimately being responsible, time without the baby?

You need to talk. Get out together without your daughter. It's better if you can get your child to sleep most nights but some take longer. Have you tried baby sleeping bag, good routine?

Start doing all the cooking and supervision of baby dinner time, night feedings are a killer, I honestly believe multiple sleep interruptions kill brain cells, once she goes back to work, it would be very hectic and even more tiring physically and mentally for her as it's a huge adjustment doing two jobs.

It sounds like you are really trying to pull your weight and do your bit.

But there's lots of things there you haven't listed and I wonder if it's because you haven't even considered it. For example...

Who shops and cooks? Who shops for baby clothes and swaps the wardrobe round when seasons change or baby grows? Who buys gifts for birthdays and Christmas? Who organises social activities? Do either of you get any time outside the house for socialising or exercise without the baby? Who organises and books baby classes, swimming lessons? Who baby proofs the house? Who cleans, dusts, hoovers, changes the beds and does laundry? Who books doctors and dentist appointments?

Is she dreading going back to work? She may not be but maybe she’s feeling she’d rather be at home longer? Have you discussed openly?
Do you help with the Xmas mental load of buying Xmas presents and food, arranging meeting friends etc or is that all on her? Same with everyday buying kids clothes, food, nappies etc?

Our routines altered significantly once I went back to work. I regained some autonomy and a social life outside of the bubble of being at home with a baby.

Baby learned to self settle to sleep at nursery - the staff have ways and means! He also was exhausted from the day at nursery and went into a much more regular sleep pattern.

I think just be very kind and aware of her tiredness and possible anxiety through the transition, it will be tricky at first.

How exactly did you decide and implement that the baby needed to self soothe? Did you just tell her not to go to the crying child? If someone tried that with me I would have lost it! It feels like there is a lot you haven't mentioned or discussed here. Are you normally someone who likes to come up with solutions, whether the recipient wants them or not?

Sounds like it's an understandably tough time for her. My DS was a contact napper, a breastfed baby and completely obsessed with being glued to me for nearly the whole first year and I have to say I found that extremely exhausting. I had PNA further to baby losses I suffered before having him and the fact I wasn't working and had limited contact with adults (pandemic) were awful for my MH. It definitely improved when I returned to work and it may be the same for your DP.

BUT it took a long time. DS is now 2.5 and I can confidently say I only started feeling more like myself when he turned 2.

I think it's likely that your DP is feeling very anxious about returning to work, especially if your DC is so obsessed with her. You have to break this cycle, your DC might not like this for some time, but she'll eventually adjust. You have to be able to settle her.

I had to take a step back a month before returning work and sort of forced my DH on DS, I stopped soothing him at night. Well let's say at first he was having none if it, but we persevered and now DH is generally his favourite...or so it seems because he still settles much better with me and comes for mummy cuddles, and is generally much better behaved when he's with me. So a tricky one to judge 🤣 But the point is, the balance has shifted enough to give me a breather which I desperately needed. You need to ask her open questions about where she's at now and how she's feeling and why. Work as a team and you won't go wrong.

Cut out the baby gymnastics for a start off, total waste of time

She'll be exhausted. A poster upthread described the feeling of sleep deprivation very well.

You need to solve the problem of the baby not settling for you, because once she's back at work you need to be doing half the night wakenings so the baby not settling for you isn't an option.

Do you spend much time one on one with the baby without your wife? Try working that into the routine so that the baby starts to see you as an equal parent. It'll be easier for the baby to settle with you overnight if they're used to you from the daytime.

Are you working as a team? Just making a decision like changing what you do with the baby overnight without discussing with the other isn't great, and especially not if it involved letting the baby cry.