Am I contributing enough? Dad to 11 month old

[bamboo34]

Hello. I wanted to ask for some outside perspectives on our family situation. Over Christmas the situation at home has become quite tense and I am unsure of the reason why. I suspect it is because my partner is unsatisfied with my contribution toward looking after our daughter and I wanted to give some context and ask for some views:

1. Does my contribution to parenting look fair? I often feel guilty, rightly or wrongly, that I’m not doing enough. Is there anything more I could be doing to help out my partner and our daughter?
2. From what I’ve described, is there anything that might be causing my partner to be unlike herself?

Situation

• Our daughter is 11 months old.
• She was a delight when very young but now has become more difficult to manage - always on the move, suffering from quite severe separation anxiety, doesn’t settle easily for dad or anyone else that isn’t mum at nighttime.
• She will be starting nursery in early January.
• She requires frequent contact naps in the day.
• She wakes up between one and three times in the night.
• Mum doesn’t seem like herself - very tired and very stressed, short and snappy. I think she is quite anxious about going back to work.She isn’t normally particularly open about her emotions and she has been even more closed up about things recently, despite asking lots about how she is feeling.
• I recently tried starting to try and encourage our daughter to self soothe for a couple of nights, which didn’t go well and mum reacted very angrily to this because I didn’t consult her about it first.
• I don’t know whether I’m doing anything to upset my partner or not contributing enough. Before our daughter was born, we were perfectly fine and have had a grand total of one proper argument in the six years we’ve known each other.

My contribution

• I work an intensive job full time (upwards of 55 hours a week, mainly working from home)
• Handling any small wakings between 8pm-midnight (I did this between the ages of 0-6 months, but after her sleep improved this lapsed and I have only recently resumed full responsibility for this time period)
• Cooks and feeds breakfasts nearly every day
• Makes up bottles of milk at nighttime
• ~50% cooking of evening meals
• Lots of, if not nearly all, housework - hoovering, cleaning, washing up, cleaning cat litter
• ~50% supervising baby dinnertime
• All bathtimes daily
• All garden work and house maintenance

Mum’s contribution

• Has been quite strong in setting the household parenting ethos
• All night feeds (because daughter doesn’t settle with dad, between 1-3 a night even at 11 months, most commonly 2 per night)
• Looks after baby between 8am - 5pm Monday to Friday but will go back to work 3 days a week from January
• All lunchtime prep and feeding
• ~50% cooking of evening meals
• ~50% supervising baby dinnertime
• All baby classes - baby gymnastics, swimming lessons, sensory classes
• Some housework when time allows

Oh and also a thousand times yes to the posts about the mental load, particularly when Christmas can massively increase that. My head is fried with it sometimes.

I've not read all the comments but to add

• I was an absolute nightmare when my kids were that young
• my (now ex) couldn't do anything right
• I was beyond exhausted and didn't know how to express this

I say this to hopefully help! Assume you have asked what might help and possibly see if she wants a night or 2 to herself whilst you take annual leave? I think what you describe is really normal for partners to feel and I think you sound great for trying to do what you can to support.

Haven't rtft sorry, but I know when I get snappy like this with my husband (and he's usually brilliant) it's because I'm exhausted and fed up being needed all day.

Be very pushy on giving mum a break. I need my husband to TELL me what's happening, not ask me:

'Right, don't get up, I'll make you a coffee then I'm taking the kids out, making lunch, and you're having a lie in and a bath'.

Not, 'do you want me to take the kids out for a bit today?'

It's really hard to take a break sometimes, especially if you don't really feel like the others persons 'got it'.

I think you’re doing great, your wife sounds like she’s just knackered and probably dreading little one going to nursery.

I was responsible for all night wakings for the same reason your wife is, she would never settle with DH, but he always got up to make the bottles for me then went back to bed, but we both worked full time so it seemed fair that way.

sleep training was a lifesaver for us at 11m but I did it when DH was on nights, and I decided to do it one particularly bad night so I didn’t ask his permission first. I think you doing it when little one doesn’t settle with you is a bad idea, so while your intentions were good I can see why she wouldn’t be happy about it.

If you have to itemise it probably not. Do you not just go with the flow, dw looking exhausted so you take over for a bit. Maybe she is knackered, depressed,worried about going back to work/nursery, frustrated by baby being less easy than hoped?

What have you all done over Xmas?
Are you hosting / travelling etc? Who is shopping / packing for that?

Are you off work for a decent chunk of time?

Why do you work 55 hours a week?

Thing about this thread is lots of women whose husbands were a bit half-arsed in the early days of parenting are now encouraging another man to be a bit half-arsed as if this "just how it is"

What does a woman do if her baby won't settle? Stays there, as long as it takes, rocking, singing, waiting until it does settle.

What does a man do? Hands the baby back to the woman to deal with.

This is so true! I would really try to address this before she goes back to work as it’s likely to get worse. I went back to work at 12 months and sleep has been 100x worse since I went back - combination of prime teething age and endless illnesses which can ruin the sleep of even the best sleepers. If she’s going to manage to function at work you both need to be doing more of the nights.

Sorry have only read a couple of pages. Sounds like you are doing a lot in terms of house work and being emotionally available. The only bit lacking is the nights though you didn’t say how many hours mum is sleeping for if she’s going to bed at 8pm-8am etc. But if I were you I’d take over Friday and Saturday night and let mum sleep through.

You're doing great in the day but need to work on the fact your daughter won't settle for you at night. It seems a bit of a cop out. She will with practice. A years sleep deprivation is torture.

I think you should aim to work fewer hours. That's almost two jobs, which isn't really possible with a baby.

It sounds like you are doing a lot during the day by as others have said you're wife will be exhausted from lack of sleep. Definitely go back to being responsible for baby before midnight so she can get a decent stretch. Our baby goes through phases of only wanting me but my husband perseveres and she does eventually settle for him.
Also you said your wife isn't a great communicator. I'm not either and fine it hard to tell my husband how I'm feeling without snapping at him. What does help is when he does something for me that acknowledges how tired I must be. E.g. our baby is ebf and generally wakes between six thirty/seven so while he's been off over Christmas he's made sure he's been up before then to tidy the kitchen/lay out breakfast things for me as he knows I'll be really hungry and thirsty after feeding her. Small gestures like that mean a lot to me and make it easier for me to talk to him. Perhaps your wife would be the same.

We are in a similar situation here, although DH can’t WFH so does less during the working week. Contact napping is so lovely, but so brutal at the same time. It means you really never actually get a break - possibly drink a lukewarm drink and watch a bit of TV, but it still isn’t your time because the baby is on you. Want to wee? Only if you wake the baby first!

What absolutely breaks me is when he announces he needs to work weekends. I know you don’t want to do it either, but (for me), I get through the week excited for our family time together, and my chance to have a little break. Then it’s snatched away because DH has to work again. Is there any way you can ease off slightly?

@bamboo34 Sleep deprivation is absolutely horrendous. Looking after the baby all day is a hard job when you are sleep deprived. She needs a break from baby for a little rest and recreation.

What you listed were pretty standard parenting responsibilities. Along with changing nappies (which you forgot to mention).

She is the main caregiver, she will be basing routines, and household parenting ethos on baby’s needs that she has learned from her observations, experiences with baby and knowledge gained from spending all day and night with baby. So, respect that.

Have you helped your partner by doing nice things for her such as making her a cup of tea, giving her a hug, telling her that she is a fantastic mum, showing her appreciation, making sure that you both get equal downtime, listening to her, etc.

And FWIW separation anxiety is absolutely normal. Being clingy with mummy, absolutely normal.

My dd when she was a baby didn’t like me going to the toilet without her. When her dad was home from work. He’d hold her while she was crying in the bathroom reassuring her that see mummy’s on the toilet. She’s still here. It’s ok. She’s much older now. They have a great bond. Responding to baby’s needs develops trust and really pays off.

She went through a stage of preferring mummy then a stage of preferring daddy. Then back and forth on that. Perfectly normal and neither of us took it to heart.

If your partner is stressed and exhausted, just show her some love and understanding. Kind gestures and good listening go a long way.

A lot of these replies are absolutely ridiculous. Honestly, can a man do anything right?

OP, you sound like you are doing fine in terms of shared parenting & household responsibilities.

Naturally your DW is tired; additionally she's probably dreading the return to work & how it will be, physically, logistically & emotionally.

It sounds like you are both a bit disconnected from each other. Can you sit down & talk honestly about you both feel, and what she needs?

Your post, while demonstrating you really cared, came across as a little practical & analytical - your DW might need more emotional connection.

@bamboo34 you're not really doing any night waking, apart from 11-12. I don't think you can count 8-11, as that is not a time when you would be asleep. You need to be disturbing your own sleep, in the same way that that your wife is, otherwise you're not taking any share.

How doss your wife feel about your 55 hour working week? Would she prefer you to cut down your hours to take on some of tge childcare, particularly when she goes back to work?

It must be very frustrating to have you in the house, but not available for 11 hours a day!

The only way your DD will start to settle with you is with you doing more care. It will likely be a very difficult time for your wife going back to work, with a lot of guilt. I recommend taking on all sick cover on your wife's working days until she is settled back in. Make sure you are doing your share of nursery drop offs. I don't think 11 hour days will wash on your wife's working days.

You need to be disturbing your own sleep, in the same way that that your wife is, otherwise you're not taking any share.

He is working 55 hours a week; his DW is on maternity leave.

He does not need to share night wakings. He should be available to give some breaks eg at weekends or if it's a particularly bad night.

Equally there needs to be a plan for when she goes back to work. That's when sharing comes into practice.

I don't think 11 hour days will wash on your wife's working days

He isn't doing 5 x 11 hour days. He works later in the evenings as well as some weekends.

He isn't doing 5 x 11 hour days. He works later in the evenings as well as some weekends

Yet he hasn't accounted for that when he lists how much his wife does.

I get what you’re saying but he’s picking up the slack everywhere else, so it’s not really about being half arsed, I’d have a different reply if he wasn’t.

I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that I personally wouldn’t make my DH continually settle the baby when baby doesn’t settle with them easily, especially if baby is breastfed, you’re just setting them both up to fail IMO, Me and DH share childcare 50/50, we both work full time different shifts, so both do exactly the same things at different times of day and DD is used to that, no problem at all. But night time and when she’s ill she just wants me, it’s nothing to do with dad being half arsed in that regard.

there’s different shades of grey though, I agree that dads who can’t be arsed with it should be let off because it’s ‘too hard’. But that’s not my experience and may not be OPs either.

It sounds like the baby is still feeding in the night? I would try night weaning and that may help to reduce night wakings. I did it when DS was 12 months - just rocking him back to sleep instead of feeding. Within a couple of weeks he started to sleep through - not consistently (if teething etc) but quite often.

But the evening work is irrelevant - she's not caring for DC then either.

I assume the weekend isn't fixed time so less definite to account for.

However, what he hasn't said, and what is important, is their time together as a couple, and as a family. Reading back, it seems OP is overly concerned with sharing care of the baby, but couple & family time is also essential.

I'd imagine if you left baby to cry/claim you can't settle baby then she feels like she is always on high alert and is never able to relax. You need to be calm with baby and give them chance to relax with you in the evenings. The more you leave it to your wife, the more baby will only settle for them.

Tbh I think my dh would be mortified if he was unable to settle his own child after being a parent for nearly a year.

From a very young age he would take dc with him to the shops, swimming, do some of the bed times, once a week minimum when I was on mat leave he would do the whole night shift. He would get them up for their first feed on weekdays so I could sleep in a bit. I'd be able to have the odd night out knowing baby would still have the same routine.

You do bathtimes, great. And the odd wake up 8pm-midnight. Great. And get a full uninterrupted night's sleep. Of course you should be taking the laundry and what not as it doesn't sound like your dw is able to ever get a full night's sleep, ever go out in the evenings with friends, ever have a night away, ever have a day off to herself while you take the baby to the park or the pool.

55 hour weeks are rarely necessary, or acceptable when you are a parent. Fathers cannot continue to have their cake and eat it. Mothers' careers end up being either partially or totally fucked as a result.

Yes he should be doing some night wakings at least sometimes, even if his wife is not working outside of the home. OP is not even working outside of the home. You can't suddenly start being a parent when your partner goes back to paid work after ML, that will be a disaster for all involved. OP's wife is not some layabout that deserves to be punished by never having a few hours of sleep, her sanity and health will eventually collapse.

I really don't understand why so many women on MN are so 'oh, but he works'. I mean, I've always worked and done the parenting too, I don't have a wife, unfortunately.