Am I contributing enough? Dad to 11 month old

[bamboo34]

Hello. I wanted to ask for some outside perspectives on our family situation. Over Christmas the situation at home has become quite tense and I am unsure of the reason why. I suspect it is because my partner is unsatisfied with my contribution toward looking after our daughter and I wanted to give some context and ask for some views:

1. Does my contribution to parenting look fair? I often feel guilty, rightly or wrongly, that I’m not doing enough. Is there anything more I could be doing to help out my partner and our daughter?
2. From what I’ve described, is there anything that might be causing my partner to be unlike herself?

Situation

• Our daughter is 11 months old.
• She was a delight when very young but now has become more difficult to manage - always on the move, suffering from quite severe separation anxiety, doesn’t settle easily for dad or anyone else that isn’t mum at nighttime.
• She will be starting nursery in early January.
• She requires frequent contact naps in the day.
• She wakes up between one and three times in the night.
• Mum doesn’t seem like herself - very tired and very stressed, short and snappy. I think she is quite anxious about going back to work.She isn’t normally particularly open about her emotions and she has been even more closed up about things recently, despite asking lots about how she is feeling.
• I recently tried starting to try and encourage our daughter to self soothe for a couple of nights, which didn’t go well and mum reacted very angrily to this because I didn’t consult her about it first.
• I don’t know whether I’m doing anything to upset my partner or not contributing enough. Before our daughter was born, we were perfectly fine and have had a grand total of one proper argument in the six years we’ve known each other.

My contribution

• I work an intensive job full time (upwards of 55 hours a week, mainly working from home)
• Handling any small wakings between 8pm-midnight (I did this between the ages of 0-6 months, but after her sleep improved this lapsed and I have only recently resumed full responsibility for this time period)
• Cooks and feeds breakfasts nearly every day
• Makes up bottles of milk at nighttime
• ~50% cooking of evening meals
• Lots of, if not nearly all, housework - hoovering, cleaning, washing up, cleaning cat litter
• ~50% supervising baby dinnertime
• All bathtimes daily
• All garden work and house maintenance

Mum’s contribution

• Has been quite strong in setting the household parenting ethos
• All night feeds (because daughter doesn’t settle with dad, between 1-3 a night even at 11 months, most commonly 2 per night)
• Looks after baby between 8am - 5pm Monday to Friday but will go back to work 3 days a week from January
• All lunchtime prep and feeding
• ~50% cooking of evening meals
• ~50% supervising baby dinnertime
• All baby classes - baby gymnastics, swimming lessons, sensory classes
• Some housework when time allows

Really wish OP would come back and explain the self soothing thing, as I have visions of him agreeing to do a couple of nights and then just concidentally deciding those would be the nights to let her cry it out encourage her to self-soothe, and if I were the mum in this scenario I would hit the fecking roof.

What is sleep deprivation?Sleep deprivation is a condition characterised by inadequate or insufficient sleep sustained over a period of time. It occurs when an individual consistently fails to obtain the amount of sleep that they need. About one-third of the Australians are thought to be sleep deprived. Sleep is a vital physiological process that allows the body and brain to rest, recover and perform essential functions including memory consolidation, emotional regulation, immune function and general health maintenance. Sleep deprivation can lead to poor short-term and long-term health outcomes as well as impair everyday functioning.

@ImustLearn2Cook

Gosh so much rage.

Misogynists? Because we make the point that while on maternity leave, and therefore not tied to external commitments of paid work, the main night waking should be by the mum? Not saying that's easy for her. Not also saying that it's not shared at times eg weekends or where the baby is unwell.

It's so silly to imply that the working parent & the one on maternity leave are equivalent in terms of what's required. It's not greater or lesser, but different.

There are myriad other ways the dad can offer support - depending on what his wife needs. Lots have been suggested here.

" There are myriad other ways the dad can offer support - depending on what his wife needs. Lots have been suggested here."

Pretty obvious his wife needs some solid sleep.

@bamboo34 If you both share the night wakings then, while you both might experience being tired, neither of you will experience sleep deprivation.

Sleep deprivation is serious and is detrimental to physical health and mental health.

Support your partner in what she needs.

Sleep training would be my priority.

I think the unilateral decision making re: self soothing has probably done a great deal of damage.

Can I also ask about other tasks? There is a lot of stuff not listed here. Who set up nursery? research? paperwork? Who organises bills and family finances? Who buys kids clothes, sorts out presents, parties, arranges social life? Who does the laundry? Who looks after the child when you're not at work?

I think its possible that you are pulling less of the weight than you think and your partner is overloaded as well as massively sleep deprived.

I am not enraged at all. But I am calling it for what it is. And it is misogyny. So, you can go on the attack all you want but it doesn’t change the facts.

There is a huge difference between being tired from some interrupted sleep (shared night wakings) and being chronically sleep deprived.

Women are people too and they need their basic needs met as much as a man. And their need for adequate sleep is equivalent to a man who is engaged In paid employment. That is not silly. That is a physiological fact. She is commuting to baby groups and swimming lessons and taking care of a young and vulnerable human being. Of course she needs to be able to concentrate and make clear headed decisions. It is absolutely vital that she gets adequate sleep.

Parents who equally share the night wakings are both more tired than usual. But at least they are not chronically sleep deprived.

Quite a lot of parents actually find going to work far less demanding and much, much easier than being a stay at home parent (even while temporarily being a stay at home parent). And I have known both men and women who have had the role of stay at home parents and then found it a huge relief when they went back to work and finally got a break. Also, I have known parents who have found it hard going back to work and leaving their baby. That’s ok too.

FWIW the only type of person who would want a woman to be denied her basic needs for her physical health and her mental wellbeing is someone who hates women. And that is what a misogynist is.

I think OP is getting a lot of flack because he isn't doing the night wakes. But tbh some babies, especially at periods of separation anxiety, will only settle for their primary caregiver.

We had one of these and the answer wasn't for my DH to persevere in doing the night wakes when it wasn't working, but to do other supportive things during the day/night that helped me get more sleep.

OP, I think you both need to have a serious heart to heart about what your wife is struggling most with and how you can help. I think you've assumed that the solution is self settling so that the baby sleeps better, but that's better you've even asked what the biggest problem is.

Fwiw, I found it easier to get through a working day on broken sleep (at least I could eat, drink and pee in peace) than I did being at home with my DS, so it may be that things improve once your wife is back at work and not dealing with the endless mess of weaning and nappies every day. Other things that helped:

• a weekend morning to go out to go swimming and get a coffee on my own
• some down time during bath time
• batch cooking and online shopping delivery so that food was a minimum part of the mental load for either of us

It's not forever, I don't get the "woe is me" posts. Yes, interrupted sleep is the pits - and I say that as the parent of a baby who didn't do more than a 3 hour stretch until after the age of 2 - but this too shall pass. At that age, they still nap, get your head down then. If you're working, get your head down after work for a few hours. Muddle through.

But I still stand by - if you're on maternity leave you do the lion's share as you have literally all day every day to relax, nap when baby naps. If you're not doing that, more fool you.

If you're both working full-time then it should be shared.

Your wife needs sleep. You need to get to grips with the nights & also if my partner was working 55 hours per week I would also feel very frustrated. A resentment comes from you being able to 'switch off' from baby for 55+ hours whilst your wife likely never switches off.

‘you have literally all day every day to relax, nap when baby naps.’ 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The baby is 11 months old so quite active and mobile. The only way you would get to literally relax all day everyday is to confine the baby in a playpen, chuck in a few toys and let them binge watch tv. Not the greatest example of parenting though , is it?

And from the Op the baby only naps when being held (I had one like this and you can’t sleep while holding the baby. Safe co-sleeping was what worked for me). Also, the baby is 11 months old so would only have two naps a day. That really isn’t enough sleep if you have been awake all night.

Also, from the Op the mum is taking baby out to activities. Good on her. So, she really doesn’t have the option to sit on her arse all day relaxing at home.

The Op is working from home. It’s not unusual in this set up for the other parent to take the kids out all day so the parent working at home isn’t constantly interrupted.

Oh give over, I've had three, it's not as difficult as people like to make out for some reason. If your baby only naps on you at 11 months, that's your own doing.

She does have the option to stay at home - activities aren't a necessity. All the lockdown babies made it through just fine.

Nobody is awake "all night" either. Interrupted sleep is not the same as being up all night. Stop with the martyrdom.

If you're on maternity leave you have plenty of time for rest.

blimey 11 months of minimal extremely broken sleep. She deserves a sainthood. Best step up. Personally I’d send her away for a long weekend with friends and give her a proper childfree break whilst pushing through with enabling your dd to accept night feeds from you. If mum isn’t around DD will eventually accept it you or nothing.

@bamboo34 I noticed in your Op that your baby is frequently contact napping. 11 month olds usually have a morning nap and an afternoon nap. If she is dozing off frequently throughout the day she is probably overtired. Most likely from not sleeping much at night. Unfortunately, being overtired makes it harder to get to sleep.

I’m not sure if you have one in your area, but it might be worth seeing a sleep consultant. They can be very helpful.

And if you do decide to see a sleep specialist, make time for both of you to see the sleep specialist so you can both be involved and work on this issue together.

@CornishGem1975 Enough with the parent shaming personal attacks. You are not the benchmark for all of humanity and your personal experience doesn’t give you a right to ridicule or put down other parents for having a different experience from you.

I have worked with families for many years before I became a parent myself. I have worked in different demographics, different cultures and with different family dynamics. There is quite a diversity of good parenting. We don’t all have to be the same. But one thing I have noticed over the years is when both parents support each other and share night time wakings things run a lot smoother. And it doesn’t matter what kind of family you are or who does what job. And it never involves keeping score of who does what.

It does come down to good communication, empathy, mutual respect, care and consideration. Being honest about your needs and admitting you need help is not being a martyr.

I think the first thing to address here is the sleep issue. Baby won't settle for you but that can be changed. Suggest to your wife that she goes to a hotel for one night (don't book without talking to her first, she needs to be on board with this) and you handle baby all night. It will be a long hard night but baby will learn to settle with you. After that you can start doing 2 or 3 nights a week of handling wake ups until sleep improves.
Sleep training will help but that's something you need to agree on together.

Once your wife is no longer sleep deprived the two of you can work out a good division of responsibilities.

You've said you work mainly from home, 55 hours a week. I wonder if this is having an impact too? Is she is expected to keep baby quiet and stay out of the way? As I would have struggled with that in my own home whilst on maternity leave. If so it may be time to return to the office or rent out a work space.

💯

If you're on maternity leave you have plenty of time for rest

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

My DH says he has way more rest and downtime going to work.

It sounds like you are in the house all the time.

Therefore she never gets a minute from you or from the baby.

Set a time every day where you go out with the baby. Give her an hour to herself.

Don’t ask her what she needs/wants from you. As a grown man figure it out. Don’t make her do the thinking and the asking.

For example - take over all food. Everything to do with food - ordering, planning, cooking, putting away etc. DW can wash up.

you are not doing what she needs if she is short with you. Your post does not read like a team. Seems to me you feel a little hard done by.

Set a time every day where you go out with the baby. Give her an hour to herself.

Yes to this take yourself off with the baby on Saturday or Sunday morning so she gets time to herself.

As a couple what’s the plan with the nights as she’s not going to manage going back to work on no sleep?

Someone has probably already said this, I haven't read the comments, but please stop framing it as "helping out". It is your own child, your own house. You are not "helping", this implies that it is your partner's responsibility and you're doing her a favour.

For example - take over all food. Everything to do with food - ordering, planning, cooking, putting away etc. DW can wash up.
Half right. Also wash up. My dh will have a massive pile of washing up and things to go in the dish washer when he has cook (he is in charge of everything food related). When i cook, by the time the meal is on the table the only things left to clean away is the crockery and cutlery we are using to eat. When dh cooks
even cupboard doors need washing down.

@ImustLearn2Cook

Your posts are so strange. There are ways to support & share care, and also ensure adequate rest for both, that don't involve exact sharing of night waking.

Most of us posting here know this, being mostly women who have had, in some cases, several children.

Why so much ranting?