DS2 punched someone.

Mumof2NDers · 2023-12-20T18:55:58+00:00

DS2 is 16 and has ADHD. He is a black and white thinker. He hates what he perceives to be any form of injustice. A boy he knows made a shocking, cruel joke about DS1’s best friend who died in very tragic circumstances. DS1 saw red and punched him in the face. I had a long chat with him about it not being reasonable to solve things with his fists, one punch kills and the possibility of being spoken to by the police. He’s not sorry and doesn’t regret it at all. Not sure what else to do/say. He also got into trouble in college for threatening someone who had called an older student with autism a spastic. I’m really hoping he will learn to manage himself better as he matures but I do worry about repercussions or him getting into serious trouble. Aside from this he’s a caring and loving lad.

mbosnz · 20/12/2023 19:06

While I can wholeheartedly see and sympathise with your DS, he chose actions, and his actions will have consequences. The ADHD is a mitigating factor in his defence.

Original poster

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:12

mbosnz · 20/12/2023 19:06

While I can wholeheartedly see and sympathise with your DS, he chose actions, and his actions will have consequences. The ADHD is a mitigating factor in his defence.

This is my worry… consequences and/ or repercussions. I just can’t get him to see that it’s a problem.

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Terrrence · 20/12/2023 19:13

I think how you have described this is very telling. You have said he punched and threatened people but made it sound like he was being heroic in the process. I think if you want him to stop being violent you should not excuse his violence.

TinselTitts · 20/12/2023 19:17

I'm afraid he may learn the hard way that he can't just go around dishing out punches, because of someone else's words.

Either someone will punch him back much harder, or as you say, he might end up killing someone.

He's not far off being an adult so he needs to learn to keep his temper under control and his fists to himself.

Spirallingdownwards · 20/12/2023 19:17

Was this at school/college and what have the repercussions been? If the child he punched mum came on here and said her son was punched in the face and school was doing nothing MN would usually advise they call the police.

He should be made aware that there are indeed potential serious consequences he may be facing.

Theunamedcat · 20/12/2023 19:18

It's a fine line my ds has lashed out a couple of time's he is autistic and has learning difficulties he lost his words and his brother was being bullied his response was to grab some stones to give him an edge and punched the older boy in the testicles I had to have strong words with him about how he should get a teacher next time etc but really part of me was thinking just how is he supposed to communicate this? He barely can communicate as it is!

Anyway he has gone the other way now and refuses to react even when he is hit and he still can't communicate effectively

Mrgrinch · 20/12/2023 19:22

To be honest I think some people get what they deserve and it clearly sounds like this person deserved it.

Original poster

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:24

Terrrence · 20/12/2023 19:13

I think how you have described this is very telling. You have said he punched and threatened people but made it sound like he was being heroic in the process. I think if you want him to stop being violent you should not excuse his violence.

I’m not excusing his behaviour at all!! I’m very anti violence and I’m very unhappy with him. The reason I posted why he’s done it is because in his mind it was justified.

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Original poster

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:25

TinselTitts · 20/12/2023 19:17

I'm afraid he may learn the hard way that he can't just go around dishing out punches, because of someone else's words.

Either someone will punch him back much harder, or as you say, he might end up killing someone.

He's not far off being an adult so he needs to learn to keep his temper under control and his fists to himself.

This is what I’ve said to him. One punch could kill someone or he’s going to get hit back harder one day. He just doesn’t seem to get it .

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Original poster

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:26

Spirallingdownwards · 20/12/2023 19:17

Was this at school/college and what have the repercussions been? If the child he punched mum came on here and said her son was punched in the face and school was doing nothing MN would usually advise they call the police.

He should be made aware that there are indeed potential serious consequences he may be facing.

The threats were in college. He was spoken to about it. The punch was someone he knows socially. I’m at my wits end with this with him.

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Original poster

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:29

Theunamedcat · 20/12/2023 19:18

It's a fine line my ds has lashed out a couple of time's he is autistic and has learning difficulties he lost his words and his brother was being bullied his response was to grab some stones to give him an edge and punched the older boy in the testicles I had to have strong words with him about how he should get a teacher next time etc but really part of me was thinking just how is he supposed to communicate this? He barely can communicate as it is!

Anyway he has gone the other way now and refuses to react even when he is hit and he still can't communicate effectively

He struggles to measure his temper which is a big worry as he’s getting older. He just sees red. We’ve had several long chats about it but he just doesn’t see a problem.
Sorry your DS’s has to go through that. X

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momonpurpose · 20/12/2023 19:29

Terrrence · 20/12/2023 19:13

I think how you have described this is very telling. You have said he punched and threatened people but made it sound like he was being heroic in the process. I think if you want him to stop being violent you should not excuse his violence.

Unfortunately heroic or not ADHD or not the police and court will not care. I think it's time to really make him understand this or he will learn it in a jail cell.

Original poster

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:33

momonpurpose · 20/12/2023 19:29

Unfortunately heroic or not ADHD or not the police and court will not care. I think it's time to really make him understand this or he will learn it in a jail cell.

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I have spoken to him several times about it. Discussed with him the consequences of his actions. DH and I are both very calm placid people. I hate violence. He just can’t see what he’s done wrong. He feels it was justified! It concerns me a lot

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Adhdsucks · 20/12/2023 19:34

I’ll get absolutely flamed for this I know but I have ADHD also and as you’ll know it comes with emotional disregulation.

I used to lash out at school. I was a ‘good’ student but then something would come over me and at that point in time it felt like there was no choice but to lash out. Like it wasn’t me making the decision to do so. I don’t know how else to describe it and I know people won’t understand.

It is something I grew out of or at least the decision feels like it’s more mine now.

Original poster

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:35

Adhdsucks · 20/12/2023 19:34

I’ll get absolutely flamed for this I know but I have ADHD also and as you’ll know it comes with emotional disregulation.

I used to lash out at school. I was a ‘good’ student but then something would come over me and at that point in time it felt like there was no choice but to lash out. Like it wasn’t me making the decision to do so. I don’t know how else to describe it and I know people won’t understand.

It is something I grew out of or at least the decision feels like it’s more mine now.

I’m really hoping he does grow out if it. He really worries me.

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momonpurpose · 20/12/2023 19:36

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:33

I have spoken to him several times about it. Discussed with him the consequences of his actions. DH and I are both very calm placid people. I hate violence. He just can’t see what he’s done wrong. He feels it was justified! It concerns me a lot

Show quote history

I don't blame you and I hope you find a way to get thru to him. I knew a boy this way growing up. We are near 50 and his life has mainly been jail and prison. I know he's had it brought up in court his ADHD but it never helped a bit. I really hope something clicks for him before it's too late.

Balloonhearts · 20/12/2023 19:36

I can't say I disagree with him tbh. Obviously violence isn't the ideal way to resolve things but in your DSs place I'd have hit him too and I'd not be sorry either. Disgusting thing to joke about and that boy needs to know that making jokes like that is liable to get him flattened. He had it coming.

Glarptip · 20/12/2023 19:36

He'll experience criminal court before he's 18, at this rate.

If he doesn't understand or believe that he's not entitled to hit people who have "been mean" to a third party, I don't know what to say about it. Can you challenge him on who he thinks he is, that he can dish out punishments?

user1471447924 · 20/12/2023 19:38

Mrgrinch · 20/12/2023 19:22

To be honest I think some people get what they deserve and it clearly sounds like this person deserved it.

I agree completely. I highly doubt either of those initial bullies will do similar again.

Pleasealexa · 20/12/2023 19:41

Books on anger management, however if he's not motivated to learn to control his anger then books/counselling won't work.

What about contacting community police (if you have any) and asking them to discuss what an arrest/lock up/court/jail is like.

natura · 20/12/2023 19:41

Poor kid. What a horrible thing to have heard about his friend.

0 - 100 reactions can be especially hard to manage for people with ADHD, and even for me as a neurotypical person, those are some hefty situations to be faced with.

I wonder to what extent he has some concrete strategies for alternative things he can do in situations like this?

They're not always easy to come up with, but a big part of 'learning to manage yourself' in situations like this is having a menu of other go-to actions you can call on.

There's a trial lawyer on Instagram who gives excellent advice on how to manage conflict situations with dignity and power - his profile is here: https://www.instagram.com/jefferson_fisher/?hl=en. Could be a useful starting point, to have some scripts that have a clear rationale for using as go-tos.

Maybe you've already worked through this with him, but if not, it might be helpful.

Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/jefferson_fisher?hl=en

Circularargument · 20/12/2023 19:42

Terrrence · 20/12/2023 19:13

I think how you have described this is very telling. You have said he punched and threatened people but made it sound like he was being heroic in the process. I think if you want him to stop being violent you should not excuse his violence.

🙄

LindorDoubleChoc · 20/12/2023 19:43

Yabu.

You asked in AIBU for some unfathomable reason.

Original poster

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:45

Adhdsucks · 20/12/2023 19:34

I’ll get absolutely flamed for this I know but I have ADHD also and as you’ll know it comes with emotional disregulation.

I used to lash out at school. I was a ‘good’ student but then something would come over me and at that point in time it felt like there was no choice but to lash out. Like it wasn’t me making the decision to do so. I don’t know how else to describe it and I know people won’t understand.

It is something I grew out of or at least the decision feels like it’s more mine now.

The emotional disregulation thing… it’s apparent in everything. The kid that thinks nothing of punching someone cried for 2 days straight when the cat went missing.
You’ll know all the emotions are felt 10 fold. When he’s happy it’s almost like some kind of hysteria. When he’s sad you’d think the whole world has died and when he’s angry it’s like a red mist descends 😢

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Dutch1e · 20/12/2023 19:45

Going against the grain here I have the feeling that all the "reap what you sow" advice could equally be applied to the monstrous arsehole who decided to make ugly jokes about someone's death.