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Original poster

DS2 punched someone.

103 replies

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 18:55

DS2 is 16 and has ADHD. He is a black and white thinker. He hates what he perceives to be any form of injustice. A boy he knows made a shocking, cruel joke about DS1’s best friend who died in very tragic circumstances. DS1 saw red and punched him in the face. I had a long chat with him about it not being reasonable to solve things with his fists, one punch kills and the possibility of being spoken to by the police. He’s not sorry and doesn’t regret it at all. Not sure what else to do/say. He also got into trouble in college for threatening someone who had called an older student with autism a spastic. I’m really hoping he will learn to manage himself better as he matures but I do worry about repercussions or him getting into serious trouble. Aside from this he’s a caring and loving lad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 20:06

DaftyInTheMiddle · 20/12/2023 20:00

The thing with ADHD is, telling you something doesn’t necessarily mean it helps regulate in the moment. I knew I could go to prison when I was dopamine seeking by stealing as an adult, but it didn’t stop me.

Is he taking any meds? Absolutely agree with the exercise. What he really needs is management strategies for when he feels the red mist and act on it before it gets to the point of punching someone. Has he had any therapies or adhd coaching?

We stopped medication. The methylphenidate ones caused tics and an alternative one (we were told) could cause suicidal tendencies. He’s only just recovered from a bout of MH problems. I think everyone saying exercise may be spot on. I could do with losing a bit of timber, I might suggest some walking until
i can manage the gym.
Thanks for your reply

OP posts:
DeadbeatYoda · 20/12/2023 20:07

Redburnett · 20/12/2023 19:54

You have a violent son who is likely to end up in the criminal justice system. Violent criminals always come up with excuses like your sons's. You need to face reality and not expect 'conversations' to solve the problem.

Oh don't be ridiculous. This kid has struggled to manage his reaction under appalling provocations. Where I came from, this would be fairly standard behaviour. I have always taught my kids that there are better ways to deal with things but all this middle-class pearl clutching is pathetic.

Icantbedoingwithit · 20/12/2023 20:08

DeadbeatYoda · 20/12/2023 20:07

Oh don't be ridiculous. This kid has struggled to manage his reaction under appalling provocations. Where I came from, this would be fairly standard behaviour. I have always taught my kids that there are better ways to deal with things but all this middle-class pearl clutching is pathetic.

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Absolutely this.

Canisaysomething · 20/12/2023 20:08

Why aren’t you imposing any consequences for his actions? Are you just hoping a single conversation is going to nip this in the bud? ADHD or no ADHD, you need to parent your child.

sad2018 · 20/12/2023 20:09

It sounds like you're making excuses for his violent behaviour.

Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 20:10

PonyPatter44 · 20/12/2023 20:01

There are quite a lot of neurodiverse young men doing prison time for offences that came about from them "defending" other people. They truly believe they're doing the right thing, they are frequently very black and white in their thinking around things like this....but the law is even more black and white.

I honestly think that if you have a ND child with a propensity to hit, or with this kind of White Knight thinking, that you have to work and work and work with your child to drill into them that violence is not allowed. The criminal justice system is a difficult place for ND young people.

I’ve never heard the term white knight thinking but this is him to a tee.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 20:12

Canisaysomething · 20/12/2023 20:08

Why aren’t you imposing any consequences for his actions? Are you just hoping a single conversation is going to nip this in the bud? ADHD or no ADHD, you need to parent your child.

Not a single conversation no. We’ve had many.

OP posts:
sad2018 · 20/12/2023 20:13

I also know men diagnosed with ADHD as a child and use it as an excuse to abuse their wives and kids.

Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 20:14

sad2018 · 20/12/2023 20:09

It sounds like you're making excuses for his violent behaviour.

Have you read the whole thread? I’m not making excuses. The reason for detailing the why he did it is because in his head this justifies his actions. We are not a violent family and in every other sense he is the ideal child. Kind, loving and respectful.

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 20/12/2023 20:14

Cupcakekiller · 20/12/2023 20:03

@Dutch1e but there could be serious repercussions for OP's son- injury or death himself and prosecution/jail time.

God forbid he punch the wrong person and the have a gun or a knife and hurt your son or god forbid kill him. I pray you can get thru to him

ghlily · 20/12/2023 20:14

THIS!

Dutch1e · 20/12/2023 20:15

Cupcakekiller · 20/12/2023 20:03

@Dutch1e but there could be serious repercussions for OP's son- injury or death himself and prosecution/jail time.

True. Completely true. And that part would be my main focus if I was this young man's parent. I certainly wouldn't shrug it off as nothing.

But I would be a fraud if I tried to push the "violence is never the answer" line as I just don't believe it in every case.

If I made a dark joke about the death of someone's friend I would be deeply unsurprised if I copped a right hook to the face. Which is why I try not to be a dick. Hopefully that person will carry the same lesson with them through life

Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 20:16

sad2018 · 20/12/2023 20:13

I also know men diagnosed with ADHD as a child and use it as an excuse to abuse their wives and kids.

I’m sure you also know men who were diagnosed with ADHD as a child that are not abusive to their wife and kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 20:17

momonpurpose · 20/12/2023 20:14

God forbid he punch the wrong person and the have a gun or a knife and hurt your son or god forbid kill him. I pray you can get thru to him

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So do I. He really worries me.

OP posts:
sad2018 · 20/12/2023 20:17

@Mumof2NDers
I have a son with autism who is very black and white right and wrong.

Does not need to use violence to prove his point.

natura · 20/12/2023 20:18

Canisaysomething · 20/12/2023 20:08

Why aren’t you imposing any consequences for his actions? Are you just hoping a single conversation is going to nip this in the bud? ADHD or no ADHD, you need to parent your child.

Christ on a bicycle, did you read the OP?

The kid lost his best friend and someone took the opportunity to turn it into a horrible joke.

What exactly do you suggest she does beyond talk to him and seek solutions that redirect his (totally valid) emotions - ground him and expect that to do the trick? Take away his flipping XBox?

Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 20:19

sad2018 · 20/12/2023 20:17

@Mumof2NDers
I have a son with autism who is very black and white right and wrong.

Does not need to use violence to prove his point.

Lucky you. You’ve met one ND child you’ve met one ND child. No 2 are the same

OP posts:
DeadbeatYoda · 20/12/2023 20:19

sad2018 · 20/12/2023 20:13

I also know men diagnosed with ADHD as a child and use it as an excuse to abuse their wives and kids.

Good lord, you really are piling it on there, @sad2018.
The kids just needs strategies to learn to deal with the kind of assholes he has had the misfortune to come across. I think placing him as a wife and child beater is just a little premature. 🙄

Wolfiefan · 20/12/2023 20:20

He needs practical ways to manage his anger.
He also needs consequences that aren’t simply conversations. No one is suggesting you beat him into better behaviour but what actual negative consequences has his violence actually had?

averythinline · 20/12/2023 20:21

Does he have medication for his ADHD..
I know its not a support for all but he is really at risk of getting into serious trouble if he goes round hitting people.... irrespective of Diagnosis
If not could that be investigated... It has really helped 'calm' my god daughters brain... Her words and she is making better decisions because of it...

Icantbedoingwithit · 20/12/2023 20:22

Also if someone made a sick joke about the death of someone I love my initial reaction in the moment would be to go through them for a short cut. Violence is wrong but nasty, low life, scumbag ribbing like that is wrong too.

Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 20:24

averythinline · 20/12/2023 20:21

Does he have medication for his ADHD..
I know its not a support for all but he is really at risk of getting into serious trouble if he goes round hitting people.... irrespective of Diagnosis
If not could that be investigated... It has really helped 'calm' my god daughters brain... Her words and she is making better decisions because of it...

He did but the medication caused tics. We tried several. He was open to trying strattera which is totally different to
most others but we read that one of the side effects was suicidal thought/tendencies and due to past MH issues we didn’t want to risk it.

OP posts:
FrippEnos · 20/12/2023 20:34

Icantbedoingwithit · 20/12/2023 20:05

I am not condoning his actions in any way and what he did was wrong but I can bloody understand why he did it.
Put it this way….they won’t say it again.

Unfortunately this may well not be the case, The person that he hit now knows that he can provoke the OP's son.
and If my experience is anything to go by he will continue to do so until the OP's son snaps back again and gets expelled and possibly a police appearance.

In the end the OP's son will have to take responsibility for his actions. One way or the other.

As for the arsehole he will probably make a huge thing of being the victim.

Canisaysomething · 20/12/2023 20:36

natura · 20/12/2023 20:18

Christ on a bicycle, did you read the OP?

The kid lost his best friend and someone took the opportunity to turn it into a horrible joke.

What exactly do you suggest she does beyond talk to him and seek solutions that redirect his (totally valid) emotions - ground him and expect that to do the trick? Take away his flipping XBox?

Show quote history

Yeah absolutely there needs to be consequences at home for a teen punching someone. We aren’t talking about shoving or pushing, punching is dangerous and needs to be stopped immediately. There’s no way I’d let a teen of mine punch anyone for any reason and there not be some kind of consequence for it.

Agapornis · 20/12/2023 20:41

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:52

He started going to the gym and got bored. He started boxing and got bored. I think DH is going to join the gym with him in the new year.

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Tbf the gym is really boring! I ended up doing a martial art, but I tried lots of different sports and clubs (e.g. the quality of judo clubs varies hugely) before I found the right one for me. Maybe he'd like climbing, or Park Run, cycling, gymnastics, tennis,... shop around. Most places offer free trial sessions. Do listen to him and don't buy him gloves, he's told you he doesn't like boxing.

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