Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

DS2 punched someone.

103 replies

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 18:55

DS2 is 16 and has ADHD. He is a black and white thinker. He hates what he perceives to be any form of injustice. A boy he knows made a shocking, cruel joke about DS1’s best friend who died in very tragic circumstances. DS1 saw red and punched him in the face. I had a long chat with him about it not being reasonable to solve things with his fists, one punch kills and the possibility of being spoken to by the police. He’s not sorry and doesn’t regret it at all. Not sure what else to do/say. He also got into trouble in college for threatening someone who had called an older student with autism a spastic. I’m really hoping he will learn to manage himself better as he matures but I do worry about repercussions or him getting into serious trouble. Aside from this he’s a caring and loving lad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:46

LindorDoubleChoc · 20/12/2023 19:43

Yabu.

You asked in AIBU for some unfathomable reason.

I‘M new to NM’s and obviously not very good at it yet 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:48

natura · 20/12/2023 19:41

Poor kid. What a horrible thing to have heard about his friend.

0 - 100 reactions can be especially hard to manage for people with ADHD, and even for me as a neurotypical person, those are some hefty situations to be faced with.

I wonder to what extent he has some concrete strategies for alternative things he can do in situations like this?

They're not always easy to come up with, but a big part of 'learning to manage yourself' in situations like this is having a menu of other go-to actions you can call on.

There's a trial lawyer on Instagram who gives excellent advice on how to manage conflict situations with dignity and power - his profile is here: https://www.instagram.com/jefferson_fisher/?hl=en. Could be a useful starting point, to have some scripts that have a clear rationale for using as go-tos.

Maybe you've already worked through this with him, but if not, it might be helpful.

Thank you so much I’ll have a look at this and use it as a conversation starter 😊

OP posts:
Agapornis · 20/12/2023 19:51

Does he exercise? As an adult with similar ND issues it's really helped me to have an outlet for feelings of anger and associated aggression. Puberty was really hard. I too cried for ages over pets (and still do).

Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:52

Agapornis · 20/12/2023 19:51

Does he exercise? As an adult with similar ND issues it's really helped me to have an outlet for feelings of anger and associated aggression. Puberty was really hard. I too cried for ages over pets (and still do).

He started going to the gym and got bored. He started boxing and got bored. I think DH is going to join the gym with him in the new year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:53

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:46

I‘M new to NM’s and obviously not very good at it yet 😊

Show quote history

Is it possible to get it moved to somewhere more suitable?

OP posts:
Redburnett · 20/12/2023 19:54

You have a violent son who is likely to end up in the criminal justice system. Violent criminals always come up with excuses like your sons's. You need to face reality and not expect 'conversations' to solve the problem.

Squirrelsonthescaffolding · 20/12/2023 19:54

Maybe you could try getting relevant sections of the law, and sending him links or screenshots so he can see it’s not just you saying this, see it in black and white written down , might help him see what the rules are. And/or send him links to relevant one punch court cases etc Maybe this would suit his way of thinking

theemmadilemma · 20/12/2023 19:55

Have him watch this:

www.channel4.com/programmes/24-hours-in-police-custody/on-demand/61751-006

Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:55

Squirrelsonthescaffolding · 20/12/2023 19:54

Maybe you could try getting relevant sections of the law, and sending him links or screenshots so he can see it’s not just you saying this, see it in black and white written down , might help him see what the rules are. And/or send him links to relevant one punch court cases etc Maybe this would suit his way of thinking

That’s a great idea. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:55

theemmadilemma · 20/12/2023 19:55

Thank you. I will.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 20/12/2023 19:56

Sorry, episode called One Punch. Seeing it might make him think.

WandaWonder · 20/12/2023 19:57

He could end up in jail, he can not believe he has done wrong and him having labels is not going to excuse him if people want to press charges

Haveyouanyjam · 20/12/2023 19:57

Is he under CAMHS? I would refer him. You can do it yourself just need paperwork from either school or the GP. Struggling to manage his emotions and lack of remorse etc. are things that can be worked on. Even just his awareness of consequences if he still believes it’s justified. What can be a downfall for ND people if they use violence in this way is that people/the courts want them to express remorse and they may not (obviously still depends on the person). But showing remorse doesn’t necessarily reduce someone’s risk so it’s about what motivates him and addressing it that way.

Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:57

Redburnett · 20/12/2023 19:54

You have a violent son who is likely to end up in the criminal justice system. Violent criminals always come up with excuses like your sons's. You need to face reality and not expect 'conversations' to solve the problem.

Thanks for your comment but conversation is the only thing I have. Unless you’re suggesting I beat some sense into him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 19:58

Haveyouanyjam · 20/12/2023 19:57

Is he under CAMHS? I would refer him. You can do it yourself just need paperwork from either school or the GP. Struggling to manage his emotions and lack of remorse etc. are things that can be worked on. Even just his awareness of consequences if he still believes it’s justified. What can be a downfall for ND people if they use violence in this way is that people/the courts want them to express remorse and they may not (obviously still depends on the person). But showing remorse doesn’t necessarily reduce someone’s risk so it’s about what motivates him and addressing it that way.

He’s been under CAMHS since he was 7. As soon as he decided he didn’t want to be medicated anymore they discharged him.

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 20/12/2023 19:59

My eldest, also 16, has been in trouble a few times for fighting. Nearly expelled twice, and all sorts of other drama and conflict over the last few years. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, and school are working with him over behaviour and emotions. Also angry about injustice etc and wants to stand up to bullies. I told him he will stand up to someone bigger with a glass in a pub one day and be killed. We have sent him to a boxing club. A proper Rocky gym of sawdust and spit in buckets. Honestly, our very own Micky the coach has straightened out my son no end with a no nonsense training regime and an outlet for that aggression. Highly recommend it. The new boxing diet, and structure of attending and training, and having something to compete in works well.

DaftyInTheMiddle · 20/12/2023 20:00

The thing with ADHD is, telling you something doesn’t necessarily mean it helps regulate in the moment. I knew I could go to prison when I was dopamine seeking by stealing as an adult, but it didn’t stop me.

Is he taking any meds? Absolutely agree with the exercise. What he really needs is management strategies for when he feels the red mist and act on it before it gets to the point of punching someone. Has he had any therapies or adhd coaching?

PonyPatter44 · 20/12/2023 20:01

There are quite a lot of neurodiverse young men doing prison time for offences that came about from them "defending" other people. They truly believe they're doing the right thing, they are frequently very black and white in their thinking around things like this....but the law is even more black and white.

I honestly think that if you have a ND child with a propensity to hit, or with this kind of White Knight thinking, that you have to work and work and work with your child to drill into them that violence is not allowed. The criminal justice system is a difficult place for ND young people.

Salacia · 20/12/2023 20:01

There was a very good documentary called One Killer Punch (or something to that effect) - sure it’ll be on streaming somewhere. Would something like that help him understand the consequences and how no matter how justified he feels he is the consequences could be horrific?

Haveyouanyjam · 20/12/2023 20:02

I would definitely refer him back
to CAMHS then. They can be very quick to discharge but he clearly needs further work and better now than after he comes into contact with the CJS.

Mariposistaa · 20/12/2023 20:02

You sound like a great mum and he is not really a bad lad. He has done something bad and that is a different thing.
I am totally anti violence but I think if anyone mocked my beloved dead grandmother I would see red.
Sadly he will probably only learn that this is wrong by real consequences. He isn’t sorry (and part of me doesn’t blame him)

DeadbeatYoda · 20/12/2023 20:02

Mrgrinch · 20/12/2023 19:22

To be honest I think some people get what they deserve and it clearly sounds like this person deserved it.

I wouldn't normally advocate violence but I applaud your son. I'm sick to the back teeth of the disgusting attitudes some teenagers espouse and bet the parents are as obnoxious as their scummy offspring. Whilst I'd ask my kids not to use violence I would have done the same when I was a teen.

Original poster
Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 20:03

scoobydoo1971 · 20/12/2023 19:59

My eldest, also 16, has been in trouble a few times for fighting. Nearly expelled twice, and all sorts of other drama and conflict over the last few years. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, and school are working with him over behaviour and emotions. Also angry about injustice etc and wants to stand up to bullies. I told him he will stand up to someone bigger with a glass in a pub one day and be killed. We have sent him to a boxing club. A proper Rocky gym of sawdust and spit in buckets. Honestly, our very own Micky the coach has straightened out my son no end with a no nonsense training regime and an outlet for that aggression. Highly recommend it. The new boxing diet, and structure of attending and training, and having something to compete in works well.

He went to one session of boxing and decided it wasn’t for him. I really do believe it would help him. Might buy him some gloves for Christmas and try again.

OP posts:
Cupcakekiller · 20/12/2023 20:03

@Dutch1e but there could be serious repercussions for OP's son- injury or death himself and prosecution/jail time.

Icantbedoingwithit · 20/12/2023 20:05

I am not condoning his actions in any way and what he did was wrong but I can bloody understand why he did it.
Put it this way….they won’t say it again.