13 year old son tried to black mail me

[rob38]

My son mostly lives with his mother, he has missed most of the last two - three months of school. Since June when he has been in school he has had a detention nearly every day and has had 5 or 6 suspensions. He has had support from Camhs but just seems to be acting this way for fun, and has repeatedly told me he is choosing to mess around.

On Tuesday he stayed over with me after he said that his mother had hit him and he had hit her back (he has a social worker at the moment who I reported this to).

I got him up for school on Wednesday morning, and found him a pen to take as he didn't have a pencil case with him, and his teachers had complained about him coming to class without a pen. He refused to take the pen unless I gave him £20, I though he was joking and said to him 'are you joking? I hope you are joking', to which he replied he wasn't. He then said that he was going to mess around at school unless I gave him £20. I am aware that he blackmails his mum, and I said to him that that does not work on me and that I wanted him to tell me that he was joking, to which he said he wasnt.

I explained to him how much distress his behavior had been causing everyone and that I could not believe he was acting this way with me.

On that day I had planned to go Christmas shopping for him and was going to spend up to $1000. After more attempts at blackmail in the car I said to him that I was going to drop his stuff off at his mums, that he doesn't behave like that with me, and that I was going to give him £100 for Christmas instead of spending £1000.

He responds better when you're being awful because it's a trauma response. You're basically manipulating him to act accordingly, otherwise he knows he'll go back to another abusive household.

He also isn't taking advantage, he's trying to control the situation around him as he feels like he's got no control of his own life due to you making him conform and his mum and grandma abusing him.

I'd also highly recommend looking into pathological demand avoidance. It's a part of autism that is extreme anxiety based and the need to control or demand or run away etc when highly dysregulated

Lastly, you need to do better. You keep making excuses instead of consistently being there for him. You're punishing him because you want him to act a certain way. He's in turn acting out at school but have you thought he is doing this because he's finding school difficult and home life too, but you just keep focusing on how he needs to act and not how you can help him. Binning him off to his mums as punishment shows him you don't care about him, unless he's doing what you want.

You honestly can't remember what it was that you applied for?

Oh Lordy. Your poor DS. He has experienced significant trauma from what you describe. You say you were best buddies when he was younger. And you left the family home (I’m not trying to make you feel guilty!). That would be devastating. And the behaviours you describe from mum… again, damaging and traumatic.

My DP had similar in that his ex alleged domestic abuse and the CAfCaSs officer didn’t agree but wrote a report saying kids better off with mum. They weren’t. And he was able to challenge the report as it was shite. And thankfully he now shares custody. But that in itself has damaged those kids. Maybe your DS wishes you’d done more to fight for him. He is an angry young man with every right to be. And he has lost respect for his parents as they have let him down.

Again not said to blame or chastise. Just to try and see it from his perspective. If you look up adverse childhood experiences then this might help you understand his perspective. Seeking control is very common. His life was turned upside down. He is seeking to take back some control and test you.

Consistency is key. Your messages are mixed. No I won’t give you £20, but here is £100!

He may be have behaved at school after you returned him to his mother, but that “success” is likely short lived and won’t be repeated.

I am not saying you should accept blackmail. His behaviour is of course unacceptable. He needs consistent boundaries and unconditional
love and he isn’t getting those right now because your messages are confusing and your capacity to coparent with his mum is obviously limited due to the situation. And there is so much to undo. It is going to take years of patience and love but with consistent firm messages.

I am sure he will come round when he is ready but you’re in for the long haul. Do listen to him. He may have all the front and bravado in the world but really you know he is a hurt child and is reacting in the only way that makes sense to him right now. You can dislike his behaviour but show absolute unconditional love at the same time. Always be there. Advise but don’t judge. Be firm but kind. He will take advantage. Don’t take it personally. It’s behaviour he has developed as a response to his situation. Never give up. He needs you even if he pretends he doesn’t care.

@Divanshi

He did react to the trauma by controlling his environment, for instance with food , I allow him more freedom and control than other parents may due to accounting for this. However this was straight up blackmail, which he has never done with me before.

I think many people on here, as with me, would have expected a big telling off from a parent if they tried to blackmail them. And they wouldn't do it again. I would not have dared act like my son did with me with my parents. I don't think my son acting well after my response to his behavior is a trauma response.

With loving support from me, support from school etc. for months, what he has done is choose to misbehave.

@UnJardinSurLeTwat

No I cant

@BustyLaRoux

Thank you :)

Trauma can play out for years. He's looking for safety and you aren't providing that, but instead creating more uncertainty. Stop looking at what he's doing and think about why!

I also don't think many people on here would do a big telling off, especially if they have a child with trauma and unmet needs. Your childhood was different to his, so you can't expect him to behave as you did.

I've got a 7 year old with additional needs and he's been out of school for well over a year, constantly trying to control me, hits me etc. He's autistic with pathological demand avoidance. Instead of me having a go at him for something he's clearly struggling with, I work with him to find out why.

You're just expecting him to behave how you feel is correct, without trying to help him overcome his trauma. You're he'll bent on ignoring how he's had trauma and expecting him to just get over it. That's not how it works. Behaviour is communication.

Many people are telling you on this thread that he's struggling and you admit it too but you keep focusing on him doing wrong, instead of wanting to help him. Try changing your thinking.

Does your daughter also live with your son and your ex? How is she doing? If she is living in the environment, it is only a matter of time before you will have two out-of-control children.

If your DD lives with your ex, is she the golden child? What happened to her during 2020 and she was unable to see you?

@Notchangingnameagain

He is basically a skilled leader of men, or kids. He misbehaves in class being rude to the teachers, not doing work, making jokes, not going to class, running into other classes. He also brings along other kids with him. Recently he got a group of kids to rebel against the head teacher, to leave school grounds, and in another incident to build a fort out of tables and chairs to trap some kids in a class room.

@Nanaof1

She appears to be generally okay, there maybe some neglect but I might be reading to much into things.

She is 6 and her mum has not taken her for a hair cut yet, I take her for all her hair cuts. She often has long nails that I have to trim. Her mother wasnt taking her to the dentists despite a hole in her tooth. I organized a dentists and she has has a tooth removed.

It wasn't blackmail for goodness sake. It's a childish attempt at manipulation. It should have been ignored and minimised, not blown up into a huge telling off. What he was asking was absurd (to be paid £20 to take a pen to school!) and not worth getting into any kind of conflict about.

A 6 year old child having to have a tooth removed for lack of dental care is absolutely neglect. Are you trying to get shared custody?

I am really curious as to your relationship with the children’s mother…. Do you communicate?
I wonder if he is trying to force you to communicate with each other?
It sounds like there is no joint plan on parenting rules etc and maybe you need to agree on boundaries and rules that are consistent at both houses?
you mention that she neglected to take her 6 year old to a dentist…. Was the girl in pain? Was the reason financial or does she have mental health issues…? I feel like the mother is the big clue to all things here. You may need to talk to her.

Would a boarding school be an option for you?

What custody do you have of the younger child? If conditions are that horrendous- have you gone down the social work route of trying to gain care? It's not solely up to one parent- either you or her to make sure basic hygiene needs are met with regard to health, haircuts etc. except from the Covid reporting, have you continued to follow up if you're basically saying your kids are consistently and continuously abused?

What a fucked up family you are. Well done. Poor kid

Given that money is everything to him, can you drop his pocket money lower because he is getting a strange view of how much he deserves right now?
Also, can you make his pocket money a reward for going to school each week and completing his home work?

It must be so worrying, how bad he is.

I would have to follow advice of counsellers and gaol wardens in how to deal with him. He's headed for the lock up if he's going to continue to screw people around. Has he been in a car accident? A traumatic birth injury?

You are right to be dismayed and not knowing what to do!

To which your response must be "OK, that's your choice to leave the pen behind then".

Your daughter is being neglected if you can see holes in her teeth before a dentist can. (they have bright lights and tiny morrors) A check up every 6 months is usual.
I would be worrying about her living with your ex and with your son too. She is witnessing violence.

If you have your daughter twice a week and you know her mother is neglectful why on earth did you not take her to the dentist sooner?

Why are you just sitting back and allowing an abusive neglectful mother to care (or not care) for your children

I see so many posts on here from mother's desperate to protect their children from their abusive exs, in and out of court, doing everything they can. Yet there seems to be a theme with some fathers coming on MN for advice who have a "crazy" ex, a legal system that just doesn't work for them and a defeatist attitude towards actually rectifying the situation.

If you know the mother is neglectful then take them to the dentist, make sure they get their vaccinations, take them for sight tests, go to parents evenings, be an involved, responsible, supportive parent.

So he trys to black mail you and your response is to drop him back with his mum?

@BodyKeepingScore

They don’t physically abuse them, for Christ’s sake.
They let them in on the realities of the life ahead of them if they head down that same road, and it’s saved countless kids from ruining their own lives.
These men had compassion — which is why they took part in the program in the first place.
I have compassion — which is why I suggested it.
Perhaps you should stop jumping to conclusions or whatever it is you’re doing.

My first thought re playing up at school is that he is seriously behind in the work. You haven't mentioned anything about that.

Kids who have trauma will need you to patient and continue to show up for them for years. There is no end.

He was abused and neglected, you will need to continue to take care of him until he trusts you and the world again.

His brain will constantly be in fight or flight mode. You being there and not pushing him away is what will correct those brain patterns.

Due to the abuse and neglect your son and dd essentially have brain damage. Look up MRI's of healthy brains in kids, versus a child who has experienced trauma.

Sending him back to his abuser because you didn't like his behavior? You are never going to help your son that way.

In fact doing that will have set him back and your relationship with him as well.

A child disrupting lessons constantly and encouraging other kids to join in is either absolutely crying out for attention due to needs not being met, or, as a previous poster has suggested, trying to disguise the fact that he can't do the work. What is he like with reading, writing and maths? Could it be that at secondary the work is just too hard for him and he can't do it but doesn't want people to know that?

Also, you really seem to be focusing on the idea that you cutting his Christmas money and sending him back to his mum's solved his behaviour issues. How do you know he was so much better at school that day? Did he tell you or did school? Yes, it may have made him decide to behave because he doesn't want you to abandon him again, but is the threat of that really worth the mental health issues it's likely to cause? Or he could have just been so depressed by your conditional love that he couldn't be bothered to misbehave that day.