Daughter wants to move out at 18 so she doesn't have to share a room anymore

[DoYouAgree]

I live with 3 dc's in a 3 bed house.
Ds (16) in own room, me in my own room and 17 and 9 year old dd's share.

They have the biggest room and make great use of the space but I appreciate it's far from ideal especially for the 17 year old.
Younger dd has a brilliant loft bed and older dd has desk space, double bed and wardrobes there is just a bit of a lack of floor space.

We were never meant to be in this house this long but their dad left me and I was lucky to be able to buy this house never mind buy anything bigger.

Eldest is allowed her friends/boyfriend over whenever and younger dd prefers hanging out with me anyway downstairs.
At least twice a week I let the younger one sleep in my room so the older one gets her own proper space.

I just don't know what the alternative is. Older one wants to go to uni which is less than 2 years away but said that for her last year she'll probably move in with her dad as she has her own room there (but dislikes rest of the house due to other family members living there as well).

I think I'm just feeling sad about the situation, there's nowhere else I can put anyone, downstairs is knocked through and no garage to convert. Garden too small for any kind of outbuilding.

I just have to smile and agree though don't I, I'll miss her loads if she goes. Feels like the family gets broken up more.

No advice, but wanted to give you a hug, sounds very hard for you. Our DD legged it at 17 so I can completely empathize. If she doesn’t like the other family members in the house the shine of her own room may wear off pretty quick!
Could you and younger dd have that room and 17 yr old gets yours? There must be a way!

If this was me, I'd either sleep in the living room and give dd her own space or I would try to fibd a way to divide the biggest room into 2 separate rooms, or allow dd the lounge to turn into her own room. That last option depends on whether there is any family space , like a large enough kitchen diner so you all had space to be together. I think that if it's at all manageable she should have her own room.
I had 2 boys share at similar ages and it wasn't ideal tbh.

If she is 17 isn’t she going to Uni Sept 24? For 9 months can’t you share with 9 year old?

She's just turned 17 so would be September 2025 she goes.

I'd bring the 9 year old in with you. It's only for a few years.

You say downstairs is knocked through, cant you get a partition wall put back in and make a separate living room

Take the bigger room and share with the 9 year old.

Is there any money/scope for a loft room?

I'm sorry you're going through this. If it were me, I'd give up my own room and sleep in the lounge so the kids can all have their own room (and as you said the eldest will be going to Uni soon anyway)

No, OP, I don’t think you should give up your space. You need it for your peace of mind too, and don’t let anyone on this thread tell you any differently.
Siblings have shared rooms for eternity- that is just the way it goes sometimes.
I would however try and separate the room - ie with a big kallax unit or similar, and decorate it so it is a nice place to be.

That sounds difficult for you all and upsetting for you. Can you draw a plan of your house so that people might be able to come up with suggestions of ways to make easy changes to give everyone what they want? MNers are very good at coming up with this kind of thing.

An immediate thought is give the DDs your room and fit some kind of room divider. B&Q do them relatively inexpensively or an IKEA Kallax unit might work?

I don't think you should give up your room.

Wouldn't she move out for uni anyway? I never lived at home properly after starting uni. I lived in my uni city and worked there through the holidays. Then stayed after graduation.

What about something like this?
She may still be home for holidays etc, so would still need a place to call home

Oh FGS plenty of siblings share. Don't even contemplate making the 9 year old share with you - not fair on her. Your 17 year old will be moving out for uni anyway. She may choose to spend more time at her dad's so she can revise, or she may be being a bit of a madam and trying to persuade you and her sister to put yourselves out. Tough. She is incredibly fortunate that her sister is already giving up her room a couple of days a week for her benefit.

No funds for big changes sadly which rules out the loft plus I don't think we can extend up there in the type of house that I live in.

I really love my bedroom I transformed it after the divorce and is my safe haven. I don't sleep that well and I know I'd struggle in something like a pull out bed downstairs plus I work 60% week from home so it would be like living, sleeping and working in the same space.

Downstairs is a small kitchen, and a knocked through living/dining room which I also use as my office.

Eldest dd is obviously at full time school, works multiple shifts in the evenings, sees her boyfriend, is at her dads twice a week, goes to friends houses so in a full week is not really at home that much anyway which is why I'm loathe to totally change around the house at a big cost for what could be a year.
However like a pp said I want her to feel she can come home and escape if uni or life in general doesn't go to plan.
Maybe I'll just let the 9 year old (or will be 10 by then) stay with me 4 nights a week and once in her own room.

It's so hard to know what's best.

I don't think you need to do anything. Your daughter isn't being forced out. She's just planning out her future. Studying, working, dating, socialising etc. She's becoming independent and self-sufficient. It's all perfectly normal. She's growing up.

i had to share at 17 just the way it was-shes probbly just planning out what shes going to do you cant expect her to live with you forever

Okay so she is one of the oldest in her year? I can see why she wants her own room then too.

Once she is at Uni she will be fine if she’s happy at her Dads in her own room then it’s her choice.

This was what I did 3 ND children in 2 bedrooms just didn't work, I bought a sofa bed and slept in the lounge for a number of years.

I don't think there's a practical solution here. I don't think you should give up your space. It's not ideal for your daughter to share but not the end of the world either.

18 is a pretty normal age to live independently especially if she's going to uni. It's not entirely about rooms - she is clearly becoming more self sufficient and ready to fly the nest anyway.

She will still need you. Support her but make it clear to her she'll always be welcome back home.

What a horrible post. Do you realise that it's a real person and their children you're talking to
at the other end of the screen?

I am the middle of 3. We did have the luxury of all being girls so my older sibling had the 6ft x 6ft box room and me and my little sister had the the biggest bedroom between us. I was 11 when she went from uni before she only lived in uni for the first year and commuted for the rest of the time so we shared until I was 15-16 when she moved out after uni - back in the early noughties when this was actually possible!

Things that were important to me were having a safe space for my things and to feel like I had ownership on the space. I wonder if giving both girls 2 walls to decorate and that signifies “their space" me and my sister couldn't decide so my parents took the option that neither of us liked. A safe space too, is there an option to put a curtain or similar around the beds so they can shut themselves aways for some privacy? I used to hide at the bottom of the wardrobe with a torch and a book. I'm very introverted time not seeing or being aware of people is some times needed.

I wouldn't worry too much about the threats to leave if she was really inclined she would be saying tomorrow! Recognise it's hard and not ideal. In 2 years time she will be more grown up but so will the younger one.

Even if she had her own room complete with dressing room and en-suite, she'd still be at uni anyway. I'm not understanding the angst?

Fwiw, I shared with my dsis until after uni on a top bunk. Given the choice, I'd rather have had my own room but I wasn't going around making everyone feel guilty about it.

There's nothing wrong with the current arrangements. Sometimes we can't always have what we want. I understand your DD wanting her own room but that's not possible. I know it's hard when our children leave home but how long is it until she leaves anyway? You don't owe her a room of her own OP.

But it is possible at her dad’s - which is the whole point of the post. So she can have what she wants. The OP isn’t saying her daughter is demanding she has her own room at home or saying she’s ’owed’ a room.

if I was in the daughters position I would also want to go to my dads to have my own room.