Daughter wants to move out at 18 so she doesn't have to share a room anymore

[DoYouAgree]

I live with 3 dc's in a 3 bed house.
Ds (16) in own room, me in my own room and 17 and 9 year old dd's share.

They have the biggest room and make great use of the space but I appreciate it's far from ideal especially for the 17 year old.
Younger dd has a brilliant loft bed and older dd has desk space, double bed and wardrobes there is just a bit of a lack of floor space.

We were never meant to be in this house this long but their dad left me and I was lucky to be able to buy this house never mind buy anything bigger.

Eldest is allowed her friends/boyfriend over whenever and younger dd prefers hanging out with me anyway downstairs.
At least twice a week I let the younger one sleep in my room so the older one gets her own proper space.

I just don't know what the alternative is. Older one wants to go to uni which is less than 2 years away but said that for her last year she'll probably move in with her dad as she has her own room there (but dislikes rest of the house due to other family members living there as well).

I think I'm just feeling sad about the situation, there's nowhere else I can put anyone, downstairs is knocked through and no garage to convert. Garden too small for any kind of outbuilding.

I just have to smile and agree though don't I, I'll miss her loads if she goes. Feels like the family gets broken up more.

It sounds like a practical solution and whilst you are understandably sad for your dc to start moving out it's the right time. I think you should keep your own room. Let her go. She is not long off university. Start a new habit of when she visit you. Tell her you're sad bug want to support her move and talk about the new habits you will make to spend time together. Coming for tea mainly...

This.

When I split with my ex I had to move to a house without enough bedrooms. Initially I had a bed in the living room but as you are worried about it just feels like you spend your life in the same room all the time. I then got a triple bunk bed- it's a double bed on bottom and a single on top. Mine and toddlers wardrobe is in the living room. My 8 year old has top bunk and me and toddler have bottom. Box room is for my disabled child only space for his clothes and bed. I then turned the dining room into the playroom/dining room. So my son has his own room as he needs and other than my bottom bunk for toddler and me that room is for my daughter where she has all her stuff and space to play. toddler only sleeps in there he can't go in and play. Then the 'play room' is where the boys can play and we eat in there. Living room is cramped with extra furniture so no room to play but it's essentially my space as there isn't space to play so kids don't spend much time in there. You need your own space that's very important. So do the kids

I really love my bedroom I transformed it after the divorce and is my safe haven. I don't sleep that well and I know I'd struggle in something like a pull out bed downstairs plus I work 60% week from home so it would be like living, sleeping and working in the same space.

so you have your own lovely space. DS has his own lovely space and you're pissed off that DD wants to move out so she finally gets her own space? Unfortunately you haven't been prepared to make any sacrifice of space so your DD gets her own room, which is fine, but then you have to accept that she wants out.

If you don't want her to leave, you need to compromise on what you have so that she stays.

@Brefugee I mean in my op I said I had my younger dd sleep in my room with me so that 17 year old dd gets 2 nights a week alone in her own space so I wouldn't say no sacrifice at all. Older one also has vast majority of room space for her double bed and furniture compared to younger she also keeps pretty much all toys downstairs.

I get it OP, for you there isn't a compromise you can make. Frankly? in your daughter's shoes I'd have already moved.

From her teenage point of view, though, it must very much look as i described (not sure she'd empathise with the 9 year old, teenagers can be very self centered)

So you have to decide what you want more - your DD living at home and happy to do so, or you give up something. It's not a win-win by any means, so you both need to do what you think is best for you.

Just wanted to add where's your younger dd in this. It's her room too I hope she doesn't feel like an outsider in her bf own space.

I wonder who started this narrative of poor you having to share with your little sister? Was it you or is it something she has developed over time?

I have 3 children who each get their i on en bedroom but one has a box room and the others have doubles. For years it was the youngest but when the eldest left for uni I swapped them so eldest had box room. She was upset but it was fair for the youngest. She still stops plenty although she stops at her bf a bit too.

It can't be helped you have the house you have and you are making the best of your situation. I wouldn't continue to apologise for it.

I don't blame her for wanting her own space and privacy. She's willing to compromise by moving out. If you do want her to stay the suggestions of moving the 8 year old in with you make sense.

9 year old*

Exactly.

I think it's quite selfish and inconsiderate of her to complain when she must know you are providing for her as best you can.

As the adult, the breadwinner and the head of household, of course you must have your own room. Don't be a doormat to diva demands.

Seriously???

Why should a teenager be able to oust her mother from mother's own bedroom? That's absurd.

It might work well with your Dd at her Dad's.

Plan to clear out as much kiddy clutter from your daughters' room and also have the nine year old in with you when her sister stays.
Before she moves out can she have four nights per week on her own while the nine year old sleeps in your room?

Your older daughter only has two more years but you and your younger daughter will have a room to yourselves for years.

I would be prepared to make that compromise for the final years of study.

Exactly this.

Sounds a bit like emotional blackmail to me. “Do what I say or I’ll leave you too.”

Sorry 9 year old and17 I totally get it. It should be you sharing with the younger. She needs space, stay up late etc. Different if same ages but there way apart

@LaurieStrode she doesn't need to move from her room. But daughter can move out if she wants, even if it's blackmail.

Will your daughter actually go away to uni - or is there possibility she will still live at home? Your house isher home and security. This view seems controversial but with rents being so high I don’t think it is fair to effectively take her home away at 18. She needs her space within your home. She may come back to live after uni? I think your best option might be to re-partition off your living room (half of your through-room) - unless you can put a small caravan outside or split the bigger room.

There's nothing for you to solve.

It's normal for siblings to share rooms, and for a 17 year old to be planning to leave home for uni.

She sounds like she's independent and doing well, just encourage her.

That's an odd response. The DD has a bedroom, it's just that it's a shared room (and I'm guessing the OP shared a room with her spouse before she got divorced). If she decamps to the living room, that means she's not getting any kind of bedroom and is having to make do with a repurposed living room.

I know people who've raised kids in a one-bed flat and made it work by doing a sofa bed in the living room, and if they're happy with that arrangement then it's fine, but it sounds like it would cause issues for the OP due to her sleep difficulties.

This is a tough situation all around but I agree with others it should be you sharing with the 9 year old not your 17yo DD.

I understand your bedroom is your safe haven and you don’t sleep great but you chose to have the 9yo that wasn’t your 17yo DD’s decision yet it’s impacting her the most of anyone. I also get that you’re making it sound like it’s fine and 17yo gets all this freedom and space and great use of furniture…etc but it’s clearly not ok if she’s desperate to move out to escape it.

Give 17yo your room and you move in with 9yo and enjoy the loft bed and all that desk space!

It's not normal for siblings to share at all, that was probably normal about 50 years ago

Don't know about the last 50 years, but the average amount of "floorspace-per-person" in the UK has gone down, not up, in the last 20 years (because of tiny newbuilds and more house-sharing). It's now one of the lowest in Western Europe, and similar to Japan!

In other words "Needs must when the devil vomits in your kettle."

There has been no indication from OP that DD is using blackmail. Indeed OP wants her to stay. And therefore she needs to make staying more attractive.

Sharing is shit as a teenager and I don't blame her for taking the opportunity for her own space. It also benefits the 9 yo

If you really want her to stay, you obviously do have an option - either you move in to the 9 year old's room, or you move the 9 year old in with you until your older daughter moves our.

It means that for a short space of time you have to compromise on your "post divorce haven" but if you really want your older child to stay with you longer then it's the only option.

Otherwise, you need to let her go. It's normal at her age to want her own space, and she has that option at her other parent's house.

Not sure if it's been suggested, but is there a chance the 9 year old may enjoy the lounge if they had their own space carved out and decorated how they wanted? Maybe a sheet or something to section it off. It might not be a solution long term, but might work for awhile while it's a novelty. I'm feeling sorry for the 17yo and am surprised they've only complained about it now.