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Original poster

Daughter wants to move out at 18 so she doesn't have to share a room anymore

115 replies

DoYouAgree · 27/11/2023 22:31

I live with 3 dc's in a 3 bed house.
Ds (16) in own room, me in my own room and 17 and 9 year old dd's share.

They have the biggest room and make great use of the space but I appreciate it's far from ideal especially for the 17 year old.
Younger dd has a brilliant loft bed and older dd has desk space, double bed and wardrobes there is just a bit of a lack of floor space.

We were never meant to be in this house this long but their dad left me and I was lucky to be able to buy this house never mind buy anything bigger.

Eldest is allowed her friends/boyfriend over whenever and younger dd prefers hanging out with me anyway downstairs.
At least twice a week I let the younger one sleep in my room so the older one gets her own proper space.

I just don't know what the alternative is. Older one wants to go to uni which is less than 2 years away but said that for her last year she'll probably move in with her dad as she has her own room there (but dislikes rest of the house due to other family members living there as well).

I think I'm just feeling sad about the situation, there's nowhere else I can put anyone, downstairs is knocked through and no garage to convert. Garden too small for any kind of outbuilding.

I just have to smile and agree though don't I, I'll miss her loads if she goes. Feels like the family gets broken up more.

OP posts:
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AmazingSnakeHead · 28/11/2023 10:43

It used to be completely normal for siblings to share. I think you should leave her the shared room so she can come back when she wants to, but let her go to her dad's. Don't give up your space! And it'd not fair on the 10 year old, who will not want to share with their mum.

Mariposista · 28/11/2023 11:13

Dotcheck · 27/11/2023 22:56

What about something like this?
She may still be home for holidays etc, so would still need a place to call home

This is a great idea

Movinghouseatlast · 28/11/2023 11:19

I just want to add to the opinions that I was forced to share a room.with my mum. I hated it but never told her because I loved her.

Please don't make your 9 year old share with you, even for half the week.

You could divide the big room in some way. I saw a brilliant idea on Love It Or List It using different heights of bed.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

16 year olds 17 years old 9 year olds Families
Littlegoth · 28/11/2023 11:21

No way would I give up my own room and sleep in the living room so that my kids get their own rooms. I am the adult and I need an adult space. Plenty of kids share rooms. My two are opposite sex and will share a room probably until the oldest is 7.

Like you say she’s off to uni soon. There are no guarantees she will stay close to home. If she moves in with her dad for the last year fine (I was a real homebody and close to my ‘parents’ but I still got my own place as soon as I could! Once I had experienced the freedom of living by myself I couldn’t go back). I mean this nicely but there’s every chance that by third year of uni she will be moving out because she DOES want to share a room …. Just not with a sibling.

Autieangel · 28/11/2023 11:29

I would do exactly what you are currently doing. You are being very thoughtful. If sh goes to her dads maybe she will learn having your own space isn't the be all and end all

Holly60 · 28/11/2023 11:44

Dotcheck · 27/11/2023 22:49

No, OP, I don’t think you should give up your space. You need it for your peace of mind too, and don’t let anyone on this thread tell you any differently.
Siblings have shared rooms for eternity- that is just the way it goes sometimes.
I would however try and separate the room - ie with a big kallax unit or similar, and decorate it so it is a nice place to be.

But the point is that her DD is going to move out and OP doesn't want her to.

If it were me I'd give up my room to get what I wanted (my DD to stay living with me).

Obviously she doesn't have to give up her room but the result of that will be her DD moving out.

Yikes101 · 28/11/2023 11:59

I did exactly the same for the same reason. I hated sharing a room with my sister and left as soon as I could.

mydogisthebest · 28/11/2023 12:12

Don't give up your room.

Plenty of children have to share a room. I shared with my 2 sisters until I left home at 23. I didn't moan about it.

Your daughter gets to have her friends and boyfriends round. She is just being selfish

mydogisthebest · 28/11/2023 12:24

LaviniasBigBloomers · 28/11/2023 09:52

I left home at 17 and one of the reasons was this bedroom set-up. I had no privacy, no sleep, nowhere to take my friends, it was awful and we both hated it. So while I get that you are doing your best etc etc, this is partly a natural consequence of the sleeping set-up. So either you change it or accept the consequence. I get that your room is your 'haven' - all your DD wants is a haven of her own too.

Posters calling your daughter a madam for wanting her own space really need to shush. It's not being a madam to want a little bit of privacy and independence.

The daughter must realise that there is no choice but for her to share. It's not as though mum is doing it to be nasty so, yes, she is being a madam.

Many many children have to share a room and often with more than 1 sibling and often until older than 17.

spriots · 28/11/2023 12:29

It's ok that your DD doesn't like sharing - it's sensible that she is making plans to move out. I don't think it makes her a madam.

I wouldn't give up your room though and TBH I wouldn't have the 9 year old in with you any nights unless you really want to. I don't think it's good for parents to give up all private space in their own homes.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 28/11/2023 12:43

BlueEyedPeanut · 27/11/2023 23:25

I don't think you need to do anything. Your daughter isn't being forced out. She's just planning out her future. Studying, working, dating, socialising etc. She's becoming independent and self-sufficient. It's all perfectly normal. She's growing up.

I agree with this. I'm sorry it's making you sad, but she's going to move out some time, and if she's at her dad's for a bit before going to uni, that might be good for her? At present she'd obviously rather be with you than there else she'd have already moved out to his.

She's not wrong for wanting her own room - I totally get why that would/could be annoying. But you're not wrong not wanting to uproot both you and your 9YO just so she's happy with her own space for a year.

So many people crop up on these threads unaware just how lucky they were/are to have had enough rooms for their own room as a child and now all their children have their own rooms. Children share bedrooms, it's totally normal, it's not bad parenting to not give up your own bedroom.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 28/11/2023 12:45

mydogisthebest · 28/11/2023 12:24

The daughter must realise that there is no choice but for her to share. It's not as though mum is doing it to be nasty so, yes, she is being a madam.

Many many children have to share a room and often with more than 1 sibling and often until older than 17.

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But you can want your own space and realise it's not there? That's why she's making plans. I genuinely don't understand why it makes a person a 'madam' to want something that isn't possible? She's not giving any ultimatums.

evilharpy · 28/11/2023 12:45

mydogisthebest · 28/11/2023 12:12

Don't give up your room.

Plenty of children have to share a room. I shared with my 2 sisters until I left home at 23. I didn't moan about it.

Your daughter gets to have her friends and boyfriends round. She is just being selfish

Seems very harsh to call her selfish because she wants her own space. She's talking about moving to her dad's to achieve this, not expecting anyone else to pander to her.

LBFseBrom · 28/11/2023 14:57

evilharpy · 28/11/2023 12:45

Seems very harsh to call her selfish because she wants her own space. She's talking about moving to her dad's to achieve this, not expecting anyone else to pander to her.

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I agree, I can see nothing selfish about wanting your own room. I accept that in days gone by it was common for siblings to share, even into adulthood (my mother who was the youngest of a big family did, until she married), but it isn't ideal and generally room sharing stops before puberty now and that has been the case for many years.

The op has not said her daughter is selfish, only that she will miss her when she goes to her dad's.

Lampzade · 28/11/2023 15:03

cheezncrackers · 28/11/2023 10:13

I would keep the sleeping arrangements as they are - honestly all these people saying that you should share with the 9-year-old or convert your living space into her bedroom - no! You're the adult, this is your home and it's only very recently that everyone expects all DC to have their own rooms - throughout history siblings have shared bedrooms until they move out - and in most cases in the past that was when they got married.

If your DD wants to go to her dad's simply to have her own room and he's prepared to have her and she can put up with the other disadvantages of living there, I'd let her know that she's always welcome back. You're doing your best OP, but we're talking about 18 months before your DD, who's already out of the house most of the time anyway, will be off to uni and starting her adult life. I honestly wouldn't let her or other MNers bully you into making big changes or giving up your own bedroom. She's the DC, you're doing your best and sharing with her sister is the only option.

This

Daisies12 · 28/11/2023 15:06

It’s her decision, you need to respect that. She’s going to uni anyway so why is it different. I moved out at 18 (and I was only just 18) and never lived there again.

dollybird · 28/11/2023 15:35

SM4713 · 28/11/2023 09:52

Would something like this work to divide the room up more?

There was an episode of Your Home Made Perfect where they did something similar, except they made two separate entrances. It was very cool, but the family didn't go ahead with that part of the design as I think the dad got ill or lost his job.

mydogisthebest · 28/11/2023 16:34

LBFseBrom · 28/11/2023 14:57

I agree, I can see nothing selfish about wanting your own room. I accept that in days gone by it was common for siblings to share, even into adulthood (my mother who was the youngest of a big family did, until she married), but it isn't ideal and generally room sharing stops before puberty now and that has been the case for many years.

The op has not said her daughter is selfish, only that she will miss her when she goes to her dad's.

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In lots of families sharing does not stop before puberty. Lots of my neighbours' children share rooms. Next door have 2 boys sharing aged 13 and 18. Another neighbour has 2 girls sharing 12 and 2. There are quite a few more.

Obviously having your own room is nice but it is far from essential. I could understand it a bit more if she were say 20 or older but at 17 I think she is being selfish

MoaningMolly · 28/11/2023 16:40

What's the layout of the house? Could you convert the loft? Is the girls room big enough to split properly into 2 rooms?

spriots · 28/11/2023 16:42

mydogisthebest · 28/11/2023 16:34

In lots of families sharing does not stop before puberty. Lots of my neighbours' children share rooms. Next door have 2 boys sharing aged 13 and 18. Another neighbour has 2 girls sharing 12 and 2. There are quite a few more.

Obviously having your own room is nice but it is far from essential. I could understand it a bit more if she were say 20 or older but at 17 I think she is being selfish

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It's not essential to have your own room but it is nicer and she has the option to move in with her dad so why shouldn't she? Why is it selfish?

QuietDragon · 28/11/2023 17:48

I can see why you're sad about your situation OP, but I wouldn't allow yourself to be guilted into giving up your space (by sleeping in the living room) or privacy (by sharing with the 9yo). I also wouldn't be spending money didn't have on making big changes to the layout.

The only reason I can see for a parent giving up their room would be for mixed sexed siblings, step siblings or special needs. Apart from that absolutely not!

If the DD choses to move out, it's ultimately her choice. You're not a bad person for wanting a little something for yourself too.

Original poster
DoYouAgree · 28/11/2023 17:51

I just want to say Thank-you for all the responses.

A couple of them even made me feel quite emotional (in a good way).

I think it's just feeling bad that you can't give them what they want and understanding that it's not the best situation and one that you hadn't planned on happening.
Hopefully she understands that as well and has never asked me to have younger dd in my room permanently or that would have probably put my back up!

I'm honestly happy for her to go off and spread her wings and can't really imagine her moving home post university but maybe it's just how fast it feels like it's coming round that this could be the final year she lives with me and in an unreasonable way it feels a little like rejection (don't worry I wouldn't say that to her).

OP posts:
Swingoutsistersledge2 · 28/11/2023 18:19

We have just converted our dining room into a bedroom for DD1 aged 15.
We have nowhere to sit for Christmas lunch, but hey ho, she is so settled and happy as is DD2 aged 11. We have son also at home aged 22 who is in no hurry to move out 😊

DragonFly98 · 28/11/2023 18:37

I would give her your room and divide the bigger room for you and your nine year old. Kallax would work.

mydogisthebest · 28/11/2023 19:49

Swingoutsistersledge2 · 28/11/2023 18:19

We have just converted our dining room into a bedroom for DD1 aged 15.
We have nowhere to sit for Christmas lunch, but hey ho, she is so settled and happy as is DD2 aged 11. We have son also at home aged 22 who is in no hurry to move out 😊

You have nowhere to sit for Christmas lunch! You are completely mad.