Daughter wants to move out at 18 so she doesn't have to share a room anymore

[DoYouAgree]

I live with 3 dc's in a 3 bed house.
Ds (16) in own room, me in my own room and 17 and 9 year old dd's share.

They have the biggest room and make great use of the space but I appreciate it's far from ideal especially for the 17 year old.
Younger dd has a brilliant loft bed and older dd has desk space, double bed and wardrobes there is just a bit of a lack of floor space.

We were never meant to be in this house this long but their dad left me and I was lucky to be able to buy this house never mind buy anything bigger.

Eldest is allowed her friends/boyfriend over whenever and younger dd prefers hanging out with me anyway downstairs.
At least twice a week I let the younger one sleep in my room so the older one gets her own proper space.

I just don't know what the alternative is. Older one wants to go to uni which is less than 2 years away but said that for her last year she'll probably move in with her dad as she has her own room there (but dislikes rest of the house due to other family members living there as well).

I think I'm just feeling sad about the situation, there's nowhere else I can put anyone, downstairs is knocked through and no garage to convert. Garden too small for any kind of outbuilding.

I just have to smile and agree though don't I, I'll miss her loads if she goes. Feels like the family gets broken up more.

So then the daughter has to make a decision. She is 18 after all. I left home at 17, so maybe that's why it doesn't feel so unusual to me. I do know it is sad when a child leaves home though. OP doesn't have to change her home environment to avoid this if she can't though.

That might be the case, but as an adult the dd then has the right to leave, which is not what op wants, so probably sensible to consider alternatives.

You're doing your best, and you need to have your own space so you can keep doing your best. It isn't fair on the 9yo to be ejected from her bedroom on a regular basis, either. Let the 17yo spread her wings- this isn't your family breaking up, this is your child growing into young adulthood. It's normal and healthy. You've done a great job, she sounds like a good kid.

I have a couple of friends who are similar and they got a joiner to put up partition walls in the biggest room. I think one managed to get a window into both rooms and one is an internal room with no window but private space was the priority so teen was still happy. The wall can come down when kids grow up or you sell.

I'd give her your room. You sleep in the living room. When she is off at uni, you sleep in her room, except when she returns in holidays.

I'd say "Well it's up to you", and let her work it out. If she can afford to move out (presumably with her boyfriend to enjoy lots of privacy) then great - she'll be 18 and old enough to make that decision.

Most people move away at 18 for university etc, then bounce back and forth a bit for 3-5 years. It is normal and not something to worry about.

She probably does if she really wants her daughter to stay.

as an adult the dd then has the right to leave, which is not what op wants

It will happen anyway - children grow up and move out, and part of the growing process is gaining the maturity to understand the cost of a roof over your head, and what can be afforded and what can't. The OP's daughter will learn this much quicker if she is the one paying for that roof.

I feel for you. You physically don't have the space for her to have her own room.
Let her do what she wants. I'm sure she'll end up not going.

There was a thread, not so long ago, when an aggrieved mnetter had attributed her lack of success in life to being the windowless contingent on this scenario. 🙄

Would something like this work to divide the room up more?

I left home at 17 and one of the reasons was this bedroom set-up. I had no privacy, no sleep, nowhere to take my friends, it was awful and we both hated it. So while I get that you are doing your best etc etc, this is partly a natural consequence of the sleeping set-up. So either you change it or accept the consequence. I get that your room is your 'haven' - all your DD wants is a haven of her own too.

Posters calling your daughter a madam for wanting her own space really need to shush. It's not being a madam to want a little bit of privacy and independence.

What's wrong with an 18 yo moving out of home?

I moved out when I was 18 about 4 months after A-Levels and had a flat share with my best mate - it was great. Sill saw my family and siblings and stuff

What a horrible post. Do you realise that it's a real person and their children you're talking to
at the other end of the screen?

Errr yes, a real 9 year old who posters are suggesting shares with her mum so her older sister can have her own room, a real OP posters are suggesting can sleep in the living room so the oldest gets her own room.

Wake up - there is absolutely nothing remotely wrong with a 17 year old sharing with a 9 year old sibling of the same sex, in the largest room. And people should stop making OP feel guilty about it. Her kid being a bit of a princess and is managing perfectly well.

I’d let her go. I certainly wouldn’t be giving up my room and sleeping on the sofa. That’s madness. At 17 I was still in a shitty little box room on a bloody bunk bed. I coped. This stuff buildeth the person abd fuels the ambition that will make sure she gets her degree and gets her own place with some privacy.

Would any sort of room divider work? There are some really imaginative room divider ideas online. Often see bunk bed in middle of room with a partician to block top bed from one side and bottom bed from the other. Might be able to do this with the loft bed.

I guess feeling she is in her own space is what is important to her rather than little sister potentially popping in and out or relaxing there too.

If she does go to dads then try and have regular catch up with her and hopefully wont be too bad

People have made good suggestions but I do understand that you need your bedroom to yourself most of the time, it's your refuge, and cannot facilitate changes in your home.

I don't think you can blame your teenage daughter for wanting her own room. Sharing with a much younger sister is a bit much for a teen and a room is available at her dad's (which of course may not work out as she hopes). She'll be off soon enough anyway. She will still see you often and you will always be her mum.

There comes a time when we have to let go of our children, it's normal.

Wish her well and I wish you well, op, you are a lovely mum.

Why is anyone sorry she is going though this. She'll be an adult at 18 and is no longer willing to share a bedroom with a primary school child. That is her choice as an adult.

She'll be independent sooner and not stuck at home with mum in a house that's too small.

I wouldn't change anything. You've done and continue to do your best for three kids, in a three bed house. She shares the biggest room, which whilst I can understand she'd like her own space, you are understanding of that and try to provide it a few times a week. You shouldn't feel obliged to room share with a 9 yr old semi permanently. She doesn't want to live at her dads because of the other people there. I get that you wish you could give her what she wants, but that shouldn't be to the detriment of every other family member.

I would keep the sleeping arrangements as they are - honestly all these people saying that you should share with the 9-year-old or convert your living space into her bedroom - no! You're the adult, this is your home and it's only very recently that everyone expects all DC to have their own rooms - throughout history siblings have shared bedrooms until they move out - and in most cases in the past that was when they got married.

If your DD wants to go to her dad's simply to have her own room and he's prepared to have her and she can put up with the other disadvantages of living there, I'd let her know that she's always welcome back. You're doing your best OP, but we're talking about 18 months before your DD, who's already out of the house most of the time anyway, will be off to uni and starting her adult life. I honestly wouldn't let her or other MNers bully you into making big changes or giving up your own bedroom. She's the DC, you're doing your best and sharing with her sister is the only option.

I can't believe your being told to give up your space and ahare instead of your dd sucking it up!
Honestly OP the grass is always greener on the other side for the kids until they learn it's not and start being grateful for what they do have. Sharing with a sister is annoying I get it but really not such a big deal for her. She needs to just get over it, otherwise let her go to dads, she'll be back soon enough when she misses home and they don't all bend over backwards for her there.

I moved out at 18 it was great!

id like my kids to do the same thing unless there’s a good reason not to

^^ this

2 nights at dads, and 2 nights you have younger dd in with you? So it's only 3 nights a week she has the problem, plus privacy whenever she's just hanging around at home?

I'd probably have her space furthest from the foor of the bedroom and put a divider up. Hopefully even if she does spend more time at dads, she'll still come and stay over with you too (like she does with him now)

Is there any way to split the room your DDs are in, even if the rooms are then small?