Obese with overweight child

[Whyamilikethis1990]

I'm almost 40, obese, with an overweight preschool aged daughter. I've been overweight all of my life and been preoccupied with my weight since I was about 5. I was called greedy, miserable and lazy a lot by parents, grandparents, friends and even strangers and guess what- it doesn't make me thin, happy or active. I now have a 3 year old daughter who loves her grub and has a big appetite. Family just think this is a novelty and give her anything she wants which causes me a great deal of internal stress and anger. I can tell them not to do it and for the most part they'll listen but she definitely has more than she needs. They think just because it's not always sweets, that they can offer her a massive portion, or extra fruit and it'll be okay- but I find it incredibly triggering and as a result have fallen into binge eating habits more regularly. I have also recently made myself sick which I haven't done in years. I wouldn't have called myself bulimic, but I have definitely some form of disordered eating. It's costing me a lot of money- in one month alone I can spend around £250 on just eating out or junk food to binge on when I'm alone, however I am also finding myself eating lots more than usual in front of my colleagues at work. I am finding it difficult to make better decisions as I don't sleep well so am exhausted every day. It's the worst I've felt and I can tell as my housework standards are slipping and the house is a complete mess. I have a husband who doesn't know the extent to how bad I feel, but he's a great dad and husband and I guess I don't want to worry him. He knows how I feel about my daughter and her eating with family though. I have had blood tests recently and am waiting to speak to a doctor about what they actually tested for as I am concerned I have either hypothyroidism or pre-diabetes but never got results from them. I lack motivation and I know it's all my own fault. I can't help but feel angry at others though. I blame them for making me feel how I feel even though I know its mainly my own doing. I can't afford therapy as yet but have looked into it. I am currently doing a free self esteem course with a local women's charity so have made some sort of first step. I am on sertraline but am also awaiting a review as I feel worse than when I started about a year ago! I feel disgusted about how much I am eating, but also how much I am spending. I just need some advice, guidance, anything that may give me a push in the right direction please.

Can I be blunt op?

I'm so sorry you are struggling. xx

Can I ask how often you eat with family? Can you cut down on visits for a bit?

OP you talk really unkindly about yourself. What would you say to a friend who felt like you do? I’m sure you’d be much nicer to them, you deserve that too.

Please speak to your GP honestly about how you’re feeling and your eating habits, there is help available to you. Also think about speaking to your husband, or show him this thread if that’s easier?

There are two separate issues here, how you feel and your daughters diet. I think you need to tackle how you feel as a priority, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make small changes with your daughter too. Even a walk or letting her run off some steam at the park, building in exercise and being firm with family members about treats. It must feel impossible but small steps is all that’s needed here, it’s not too late to make healthy changes, but please focus on yourself first. You can’t pour from an empty cup x

I'm sorry you're feeling so unwell.

I think your GP is probably your first port of call.

@wizzywig please?

Why not try over eaters anonymous?

Have you had a sleep study done? You're describing me a few years ago, tired all the time, not sleeping, over eating, house a mess, depression, and all round feeling hopeless. Then I found out I had severe sleep apnea. Bloody great, now I've caused myself to have a life threatening condition.

Except I hadn't. I got a CPAP machine and everything disappeared over night. The tiredness was gone, the driving hunger was gone, the dpression was gone. Turns out that waking up every 2 minutes really messes you up.

@Josette77 I see family about 3 times a week for about an hour each time. If food isn't involved it's fine but my daughter has gotten into the habit/ routine of getting a snack at my grandparents' house and it can never just be an orange or something. I find myself getting irate at them, then I'm the bad person. I would never stop going- my daughter loves going.
@SofiYol My daughter eats well to be honest, but I have found that slipping recently because I'm just not in the right headspace. She is very active but even then I worry that I am making her do more than she needs to because of what I think of myself if that makes sense?
@Quitelikeit Literally been on their website today, they're all online as there's not one near me so I will have to find one that is at a time I can do.

I have told the doctors how I feel and I had a free course of counselling earlier this year, but the counsellor literally said to me that we can't discuss my binging as that's not covered by the NHS but she was willing to discuss anything else I wanted.

@MrTiddlesTheCat How would I get a sleep study done? I do have a problem with breathing as I have a hole in my septum. I can sleep, I just either find it difficult to get to sleep, or I sleep too much (not often with a small child!). I want to make changes but it just seems a mammoth task and overwhelming- I just don't know where to start??

I pay £180 a month for counseling (once a week by phone) , Swap your takeaway money for counselling. You sound so sad about your and your childs situation. Try something new . All the best

Tell them that you snore very badly and keep jerking awake as though you are suffocating

Then you’ll get referred

I can't help much OP, but just thinking if there is a way you and your daughter can do a fun physical activity together like swimming/dancing? Somewhere where the two of you can go? Just for fun really, no pressure. The more fun you have moving your body the more you want to do it. Then you start to have more control about when/what foods are not great for you and slowly habits will change.

I expect they would have contacted you if there was a concern with your results but still worth calling for them and getting a printout as thyroid can be high but still within uk limits.
An extra piece of fruit wont be the issue with your dc as mine ate loads and have been fine.
Are you using a small plate for her?
Dp family were awful with DN constant chocolate a whole fridge drawer available etc and fizzy drinks by 4 he was very overweight.
My 11yo still has a side plate for meals and kids meals at restaurants.
Shes started periods at 8 and i think this can be linked to size and weight - she is now almost adult size

Maybe the gp would be able to refer you to a weight loss programme, or some exercise programme. I’ve found these hypnosis sessions useful when I get round to using them. I checked it out pretty thoroughly before I used them as I was a bit wary of hypnosis! I think one or two of the therapists behind them were lecturers at Brighton uni. I don’t have any link to them, just recommending as found it useful. They seem wise and kind, I just have 3 sessions on the app on my phone, that I replay. So although it does cost money it is a lot cheaper than normal therapy. I find it works best for me in afternoon when I’m more tired as I seem to get into a semi conscious state more easily and don’t over analyse what they’re saying. Good luck with whatever you decide to start with
https://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/hypnosis-packs/weight-management.

This. I had just one incident where I woke feeling like I was suffocating. That was enough for the referral. DH and DS said I didn't snore but the sleep study said otherwise, like a pnuematic drill. I was aware of waking up 3 or 4 times a night as I needed to pee, maybe 10 on a bad. night. Nope, they measured over 200 wakings. I never slept longer than 2 minutes. No wonder I was knackered and depressed.

@VelvetVoice We do plenty together, I hate being stuck in the house so we're out a lot on my days off with her. It's not that I'm scared to go out or anything like that- I doubt many people would guess I feel how I do. It's one of those situations where I know what would work or make me feel better, yet I find it really difficult to do so? The exhaustion is a big part but I know others have it worse- that just makes me feel guilty for moaning 😂Ridiculous as that sounds!
@Schooldinner2 It's not just that I'm worried about her weight it's that I'm worried about her becoming like me! I know many kids that were probably overweight as toddlers that have no issues weight wise now they're older but I don't want to give her any issues by being overly concerned as she's growing up. I just can't help myself worrying about it and I don't want to pass any eating problems on to her. Parenting is hard enough without passing on my own issues!

Look on the nhs app, you should be able to see your test results if you are in England, or call the surgery and ask the receptionist for your blood test results.

@MrTiddlesTheCat Do you just go to a clinic for bedtime and fall asleep- that sounds quite interesting. I may see if I feel like suffocating next time I wake up in the night 😅
@Squirrelsonthescaffolding The surgery offered Slimming World but last time I did join, a few years ago, I feel like it made my binging worse as I was restricting and saving my syns for binges so wasn't really getting anything nutritious in me- I can only liken it to being scared of doing something like that again-although it did work for weight loss. I still felt sleepy and foggy because it was all crap I was eating. I may look into the hypnosis though!
I'm also a student as well as working- I used to think I needed money to sort my life out, now I feel I just need a month off to reset my life!

@RetinolStings I tried the NHS app, I'm not sure why but they weren't on there. My surgery group insists on making an appointment online so that a doctor may speak to you within 6 weeks.... 😤I am going to try and call tomorrow though to see what I can find out as I don't think I can wait. Even if results are fine, I feel I just need them to say it's all caused by lifestyle, or to tell me I'll die by 50 before I'm shocked into action!

I would never stop going- my daughter loves going
Even if they're putting her health at risk?

Your daughter will pick up on how you talk to yourself: be honest with yourself about what you say out loud. Do you beat yourself up? Say "I should" a lot? Call yourself stupid or lazy?

You need to be healthy for your dd , she needs to be learning good habits. you can do this together let her be your motivation if you carry on this way it will not be a good outcome for both of you

@Whataretheodds I know what you're saying, but I think it's all me- they wouldn't intentionally put her health at risk, but I get angry inside as these are some of the people who called me greedy and said I was fat when I was younger, and I didn't get given all the biscuits I wanted! It's like they can't/ don't remember how they treated me and can't see that they could potentially cause another 'fat' child. Does that sound logical?? 🙈

@snickersandmarsandbounty I know I do, I feel guilty that having a child hasn't made me be healthy, I feel bad that I can't even do this for her.

How do you know they aren't saying these things in front of her?

Oh, love.

Talk to your DH. Tell him everything. He needs to know, so that you can be a team

You sound like a great Mum, putting your Dd first with honesty, not in denial about her being weighty.

You can’t afford to have relatives undermine you.

You could do with some professional support. Counselling?