Obese with overweight child

[Whyamilikethis1990]

I'm almost 40, obese, with an overweight preschool aged daughter. I've been overweight all of my life and been preoccupied with my weight since I was about 5. I was called greedy, miserable and lazy a lot by parents, grandparents, friends and even strangers and guess what- it doesn't make me thin, happy or active. I now have a 3 year old daughter who loves her grub and has a big appetite. Family just think this is a novelty and give her anything she wants which causes me a great deal of internal stress and anger. I can tell them not to do it and for the most part they'll listen but she definitely has more than she needs. They think just because it's not always sweets, that they can offer her a massive portion, or extra fruit and it'll be okay- but I find it incredibly triggering and as a result have fallen into binge eating habits more regularly. I have also recently made myself sick which I haven't done in years. I wouldn't have called myself bulimic, but I have definitely some form of disordered eating. It's costing me a lot of money- in one month alone I can spend around £250 on just eating out or junk food to binge on when I'm alone, however I am also finding myself eating lots more than usual in front of my colleagues at work. I am finding it difficult to make better decisions as I don't sleep well so am exhausted every day. It's the worst I've felt and I can tell as my housework standards are slipping and the house is a complete mess. I have a husband who doesn't know the extent to how bad I feel, but he's a great dad and husband and I guess I don't want to worry him. He knows how I feel about my daughter and her eating with family though. I have had blood tests recently and am waiting to speak to a doctor about what they actually tested for as I am concerned I have either hypothyroidism or pre-diabetes but never got results from them. I lack motivation and I know it's all my own fault. I can't help but feel angry at others though. I blame them for making me feel how I feel even though I know its mainly my own doing. I can't afford therapy as yet but have looked into it. I am currently doing a free self esteem course with a local women's charity so have made some sort of first step. I am on sertraline but am also awaiting a review as I feel worse than when I started about a year ago! I feel disgusted about how much I am eating, but also how much I am spending. I just need some advice, guidance, anything that may give me a push in the right direction please.

What is her build like?
Is she a potential rugby player type build? In that case she will always be larger than average. The tricky part is staying healthy and lots of sports and letting her be really strong.
I have a neighbour child like that, known her from birth, her mother is from Shropshire and she is just strong and solid.

Have you used the NHS BMI Calculator OP?

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-weight/bmi-calculator/

Some guidance on there and advice.

I'm pretty sure it's said that a child's ribs should be visible. My dds were "skinny" according to people but they were a normal weight although at the lower end of normal. It's just that so many people are overweight now that those that are the lower end of normal are deemed skinny. The above calculator puts your Dd at the 91st centile. I made her 3.5 years old for the calculation so it won't be exact but just as a rough idea. She may grow and get taller but not gain weight. Lots of children even out over time for want of a better way of putting it. Was she on the higher percentiles as a baby? Looking at the sample menu you gave, I can't see anything obvious that would cause her to be overweight unless there are drinks in there that are high in calories or her portion sizes are bigger than you think and/or she's not as active as she should be.

@haribosmarties thats exactly why I’m struggling to with how to broach it with her as I know she needs to know what is healthy, but I also know it can lead to obesity etc when she’s older anyway. She’s active, we’re rarely in the house. Dont get me wrong, she does love a slouch on the sofa but that’s when she’s tired before bed and she only really gets chance to do that once or twice a week as she’s at nursery, straight in the bath after a bit of playing then bed. I don’t think there’s an issue with her activity levels, I don’t know many three year olds that are out of the house and on the move as much as she is. I’ve already started doing longer walks with her, getting out in the fresh air and she loves it. I feel more accomplished when I’ve done something outside with her. Then all I’ve got to worry about is the housework not getting done 🫠

@JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots she was 8lb at birth so not massive. She’s been 3st for about 7 months now so she obviously has been more overweight in the past. I’ve started talking to her about sugary treats and how we need to eat nutritious foods to give us more energy so we can play longer, or that things like biscuits and raisins can’t be eaten every day as the dentist will want to see her teeth more often. I feel like I should be teaching her these basics as part of our normal conversations with her, but equally am I telling her too much?

“It's costing me a lot of money- in one month alone I can spend around £250 on just eating out or junk food”

“I don’t buy any processed snacks for home and we’ve often got an unprocessed pack up on the go for her.”

OP I have total empathy or anyone battling with their weight and who has a difficult relationship with food. I’ve said upthread I have an unhealthy relationship with food so I understand to some extent.

But what I cannot stand is people lying to themselves and the impact that has on their kids. Your daughter is not overweight because she has too many raisins or too big portions. 3 year olds should not have their portions limited. She will be having growth spurts etc and you can’t know what her needs are at a particular time. We will have all experienced our kids having hungry phases and less hungry phases. It’s totally normal as children grow and develop.

Fat kids have fat parents. Look around at nursery, at play groups. You’ll see it played out. Children learning through modelling not
lecturing. It’s going to be incredibly confusing for your child being told what is and isn’t healthy and then watching her Mum indulge. Honestly, I think likely you don’t really understand what good nutrition looks like and that’s why you can’t model it to your child. You can’t explain to a child that X isn’t healthy and simultaneously offer it to them.

We don’t have healthy and bad foods we have foods. Some foods help us grow big and strong, some taste nice, some help our bodies (I tell mine chia seeds helps them
poo and keep their tummy healthy).

Stop focusing on your daughter like she is a problem that needs fixing. You need to address your problems and let that flow
down.

https://www.facebook.com/kids.eat.in.color

This lady has some good resources for talking to kids about food.

Totally get how hard it is when family members give your dc unhealthy food. My dd is a lot older than your dd but she has a lot of issues with food due to sensory issues/ASD, she doesn’t seem to know when she’s full and will eat almost anything offered to her. When we visit grandparents they offer her biscuits, her grandad buys her sweets every weekend and when she’s at her dads he takes her to mcdonalds. Many times I have discussed with family and her dad not to feed her rubbish, she is happy to eat fruit and vegetables (she loves cucumbers and carrots), she doesn’t need to be fed crisps, sweets and McDonalds 😡.

At home I meal plan so I only buy what we need for 1 main meal a day, her lunchbox for school and breakfast (usually a banana or toast). I buy fruit and veg for snacks and once a week we will have a pudding or cake (homemade). I buy no extras because she will eat what Evers in the house. We try and exercise as much as possible though this is getting harder now she’s older, it’s much easier with a 3 year old (go to the park, cycle, walk, swim). We have also found the food box subscriptions really good, they give you new ideas of things to cook without having to think too much and they get us out of the cycle of eating the same meals every week.

I have suffered with my weight all my life but not necessarily being over weight, I am obsessed with staying a reasonable weight to the point my family accuse me of having an eating disorder, I don’t, my BMI is spot on and I like to keep it that way but my weight does go up and down a lot. If I mention being on a diet or being careful what people feed dd I get accused of being obsessed 😞.

Do you have a junior parkrun near you?

You and DD should do it.

@Whyamilikethis1990 I teach my children that it's about balance. No food is off limits or bad. There are just some foods that aren't healthy to eat too much of but we balance those ones with healthier foods and being physically active. Our diets aren't amazing but we all have food restrictions due to sensory issues. Raisins aren't unhealthy. You'd be better with grapes but raisins aren't going to have anyone obese. Not are biscuits or any food as long as it's eaten in moderation within a balanced diet. Or as close to balance as is achievable.
I agree with others that you need to separate your issues from your DD's weight. Banning certain foods at granny's house or wherever is not going to be helpful. My dc raid their grandmother's chocolate biscuit and crisp stash weekly. Daily might be an issue but weekly isn't. If they eat that there then they don't get it at home that day. There's food issues in your family and you don't want these passed on to Dd by demonising foods.
Could you speak to your HV or GP without Dd there? Have her measurements ready to tell them and ask them for advice. Be honest with them about her diet up to this point because she's not gained all that weight from treats at granny's. Keep Dd out of it bar general healthy lifestyle conversations. Could you get her to help make meals and discuss what makes a healthy balanced meal? She's young yet so keep it basic. They'll be doing this in nursery anyway so to back it up at home will help. Most importantly model healthy lifestyle habits yourself.

A school mum friend is obese as is her husband and 2 dc. The eldest is being bullied for his weight. He said "but you're fat too mummy" and it broke her heart. She's rethinking the share bags of Haribo after school, the creme eggs, the chocolate biscuits etc. although he has a tantrum if she brings fruit. My dc are never impressed with fruit after school either to be fair but an apple lasts half of the 30 minute uphill walk home compared to 5 minutes for crisps or a chocolate biscuit or two.
Take it step by step. Break it down into small changes you can make as a family. Talk about health but I wouldn't mention weight. With a team approach you can even out the weight as she grows taller and hopefully help yourself too.
You can do this

@PullUpPrince I’m not saying she’s a problem. I have the issues with food and don’t want to approach my daughter’s weight in a way that gives her the same food insecurities. I’m not lying to myself either. I’ve already mentioned her portions were bigger previously and I have been working to reduce them. My original post was about how I react to grandparents etc who think it’s a novelty that my daughter likes her food unlike some children who won’t eat as much. I want to be able to help my daughter have a healthy, ‘normal’ relationship with food but it’s difficult when everything I think is wrapped in what has been said to me by those very same people. I just want advice on what language to use with her, and any advice on my binge eating or purging that will help us both in the long run. Her activity levels are fine so I want her to understand how what she eats works alongside any exercise she does and how it helps her body.

So this. It seems like a massive expense and to some degree it is, but it can be mitigated with redirecting funds. Can you afford not to?

I agree with others. Unfortunately it's you that has the issues here and it's your problems you need to address. This will in time rectify the difficulties your daughter has. Invest in some counselling to help with your disordered eating, go to your GP and ask if there are any funded schemes to help you lose weight. Start making small changes to how you operate at home eg swapping one or two meals a week for healthier options to start with and set yourself a small weekly limit to spend on junk. Get this money out in cash so you know when it's gone and can't kid yourself you can spend more. Do one weekly food shop and resist other trips to the shop. When it's gone it's gone. Buy unprocessed whole foods in the main, avoid pre made jars and tins. If you're not confident cooking basic meals from scratch invest in a simple cookbook eg bootstrap cook.

Most importantly with any approach to weight loss, you need to increase your physical activity too as this helps sustain long term lifestyle change. Again, start with some small changes. Identify a few times a week you can walk rather than take the car. Focus your weekend activities on those that are outdoors and active eg going to parks, national trust places etc. Perhaps explore some activities you and your daughter can do together eg swimming. Plan your weekends to keep you busy and active which will reduce time for junk food consumption. You can do this, you clearly want to, so speak to those close to you and get their support too. The more you tell people about what you're doing the more you feel held to account! Good luck.

I could have written so much of your opening post OP. I wish I could help but I only have two suggestions:

Consider ditching the sertraline. My eating was out of control when I was on it - now that I have come off my feelings of satiety have returned and I no longer want to eat all the bloody time. You say it's not even helping your mental health so why keep on taking it?

Doing things that you enjoy will keep you busy at times when you might be otherwise eating. It also changes the habits in your brain so to say - "look, we are having a great time reading/ going for a walk / doing crafts" instead of "Thursday night, time to binge on xyz, then feel bad about it".

Reddit has some great advice re binge eating disorder btw

@DewinDwl did you think the sertraline was working at first? I thought I felt better but now I’m thinking it could’ve been just coincidence! I’m due a review but like with everything, I’m just waiting for the doctor- if you’re not dying there and then, then I have to wait about 6 weeks 🙄
am I the only person that can’t work Reddit?? I find it so confusing 😂

Have you considered ozempic/wegovy or similar OP? I really empathise with you, it can feel impossible to get out of the binge cycle when you're locked in it. Make it easier for yourself- willpower alone is incredibly difficult when the issues are deep- rooted. Also I don't think you're over reacting with your family. Trust yourself- you're entitled to ban them from giving your Dd any junky snacks, ever. She doesn't need them. Therapy could help with your feelings of resentment towards your family if you can stretch to it. They've caused you real emotional harm. Hugs to you- sounds like you're a lovely thoughtful mum

OP I understand but you’ve missed the point. Model the behaviour you want your daughter to practice - that’s how you teach a child.

My MIL practically force feeds my kids junk. But she probably sees them 1-2x a month. Sometimes my children will have a biscuit in each hand and she’ll be offering them
chocolate. Can you just allow her to take one biscuit/goodie. If we saw my MIL more often I’d have to restrict it.

@PullUpPrince i haven’t missed the point, I know what I need to do- how do I do it when I’m mentally and physically exhausted and it takes all my strength to just get through the day?
@Newnamesameoldlurker To be honest it sounds insane and hypocritical but I don’t like the sound of something like the weight loss drugs- I want to do it the ‘proper way’ and fix my brain along the way 😂🫠

Totally agree that the weight loss drugs are not the way to go- it’s really scary how common they seem to be now especially the injections. Weight loss isn’t easy, but it is simple. It’s calories in vs calories out. Eat less and move more, and in the process eat more whole foods, more fruit/veg, more protein. The hardest part is starting, genuinely, because once you start you feel better in yourself and you almost become addicted to feeling good.

Those habits will then long outlast your weight loss journey, they become part of your life and become almost crucial for your mental health. I have always been fit & active, running/the gym etc, and genuinely now that has nothing to do with aesthetics for me, it’s about feeling good in myself and being healthy! I’m now 20 weeks pregnant (so obviously not doing anything for aesthetics at this point, stretchy pants are my best friend🤣), but I still go to the gym 3/4 days a week and walk 5/6 miles a day every day. Once you build those habits, the change to your mental & physical health will honestly be amazing.

@PullUpPrince 'Fat kids have fat parents' not always.

I see where you're coming from but the way we process food is also highly individualised. The microbiome determines how our bodies process food.

Two identical twins can eat the same food and get different calorie content from it because their microbiomes are different. One will excrete calories and nutrients that the other will absorb.

Microbiomes are heavily influenced by maternal microbiome so there's a hereditary element. I think the same goes for generating hormones like ghrelin that shape appetite.

Indulge is a very loaded word. Op said she overeats in secret, not in front of DC. It's not like she's eating a gateau in front of DC then giving her a carrot.

If you can get your kids to eat chia, congratulations. I'd guess you don't know what it's like to have a fussy eater though!

I think the problem with weight loss drugs is that you come off them and appetite returns. What then? If you couldn't resist your urge to eat to lose the weight, why would you be able to do it once the weight is off?

Exactly this. It teaches you nothing and for someone with already disordered eating habits it’s probably one of the worst things you could do. You come off them and end up piling every lb back on and more, and then what?

It’s just yet another symptom of diet culture and the money involved, losing weight and keeping it off is simple, it’s just not easy. You have to be prepared to put in the work

I lost a lot of weight on Slimming World a few years ago and gained it back after having my daughter. That third lockdown really broke me, I was okay postnatal-wise until then. Slimming world is similar to the drugs in my eyes- it gives you a more warped idea of what you need to do to get to your goal, and then when you’ve reached it- it’s back to the beginning again. Like I said, I’m trying to go Non-UPF which I’m sure is used as a ‘diet’ but for me it’s as simple as making everything simple and as healthy as can be. Which is fine when it works but like a PP mentioned, one lapse and I’m gone. It’s very all-or-nothing with me and it’s that that I’m trying to work on more than anything- the resilience to keep going.

I took sertraline for anxiety and it does work for me - with side effects such as night sweats, loss of satiety, breast pain etc. It also makes me feel lifeless and depressed and considering suicide.

I disagree that kids do as yo do and that they will copy the behaviour you model. I think that's incredibly naive. Everyone in my family but me is totally unmotivated by food. I love reading and my kids despise it with a passion. I struggle socially but my kids are popular. Etc etc. Eating disorders are complex, platitudes are not helpful to the OP who obviously sees her own issues and is a caring parent.

The best way to get out of that “all or nothing” mindset with food is to put it in different context entirely I think. Think of it as money for example, if you had £35 (£1 for each meal/snack per week), and you lost £1, you wouldn’t think “aw fuck it I’ve lost £1 I may as well just chuck the other £34 down the drain”.

It’s also worth trying to change your mindset in that you don’t need to eat everything at once, food will always be there.

I do understand what you are saying about the non-UPF diet however I think you’re focusing on entirely the wrong thing, and are only giving yourself another thing to restrict.

You can eat EVERYTHING- in moderation. That’s where a healthy lifestyle sits. When you start to bring in good/bad, you are into eating disorder territory once again.