Obese with overweight child

[Whyamilikethis1990]

I'm almost 40, obese, with an overweight preschool aged daughter. I've been overweight all of my life and been preoccupied with my weight since I was about 5. I was called greedy, miserable and lazy a lot by parents, grandparents, friends and even strangers and guess what- it doesn't make me thin, happy or active. I now have a 3 year old daughter who loves her grub and has a big appetite. Family just think this is a novelty and give her anything she wants which causes me a great deal of internal stress and anger. I can tell them not to do it and for the most part they'll listen but she definitely has more than she needs. They think just because it's not always sweets, that they can offer her a massive portion, or extra fruit and it'll be okay- but I find it incredibly triggering and as a result have fallen into binge eating habits more regularly. I have also recently made myself sick which I haven't done in years. I wouldn't have called myself bulimic, but I have definitely some form of disordered eating. It's costing me a lot of money- in one month alone I can spend around £250 on just eating out or junk food to binge on when I'm alone, however I am also finding myself eating lots more than usual in front of my colleagues at work. I am finding it difficult to make better decisions as I don't sleep well so am exhausted every day. It's the worst I've felt and I can tell as my housework standards are slipping and the house is a complete mess. I have a husband who doesn't know the extent to how bad I feel, but he's a great dad and husband and I guess I don't want to worry him. He knows how I feel about my daughter and her eating with family though. I have had blood tests recently and am waiting to speak to a doctor about what they actually tested for as I am concerned I have either hypothyroidism or pre-diabetes but never got results from them. I lack motivation and I know it's all my own fault. I can't help but feel angry at others though. I blame them for making me feel how I feel even though I know its mainly my own doing. I can't afford therapy as yet but have looked into it. I am currently doing a free self esteem course with a local women's charity so have made some sort of first step. I am on sertraline but am also awaiting a review as I feel worse than when I started about a year ago! I feel disgusted about how much I am eating, but also how much I am spending. I just need some advice, guidance, anything that may give me a push in the right direction please.

Breaking the cycle is really hard. I am over weight and have been since childhood and both my parents are too. Something that really helped me parent my children differently was watching and talking to a close friend who is skinny and has skinny children about what, when and how much she feeds her children. It gave me an idea of what normal eating for a child is. I then mentally gave up on me and tried to focus on what I feed my kids and what they see me eat when they are there. It really works. I also fee better about myself that I am breaking the cycle for them. It is really hard seeing what my parents do around food with them and stopping them from overfeeding the kids. Covid actually really helped because when we didn’t see my parents for a bit we were able to break some bad habits like always having chocolate pudding or ice cream when we saw them.

@Whataretheodds because whenever they've called her chunky or something they deem 'loving' or you know, an ill-thought comment I have freaked out and told them not to comment on her weight or size if they want to continue seeing her. Honestly I trust that they don't say anything harmful to her. It's my reactions that I'm worried about, like it's some kind of repressed trauma. I often wonder what I'd be like if I'd had a son instead, would it hit differently?

I think as hard as it is, this is one of those times where you have to focus 100% on getting YOU healthy, because the best thing for your child is to have a healthy mum. I personally don’t believe there’s any room in a child’s life for any conversations about “good” or “bad” foods, nor do I think food should ever really be a focus in a child’s life in general. Children copy their parents behaviours and mindsets, so focus on being a good role model rather than what others do. My parents were very matter of fact about eating- food is food, we need food, we all ate the same meals and there was never any “you have to eat all of x before you can leave the table/have dessert”, no tv while eating, just eat mindfully and stop when you are full. Yes we had grandparents who spoilt us rotten and would offer us crisps, chocolate, sweets etc every time we were with them, those were treats and that’s fine because our eating habits were built off of what was modelled at home. Them giving her biscuits when she is there isn’t going to create a “fat” child. Your child has 21 meals in a week, plus probably 14 snacks (assuming one morning one afternoon for example), that’s 35 “meals” per week, your parents providing biscuits for 3/35 does not create a “fat” child- whatever you provide for the other 32 could.

Also- tell your partner. The easiest way to make sure you won’t stick to something is to keep it a secret, because the easiest person to let down is yourself, and secrets hold power over you. Open up, all cards on the table, he can help hold you accountable and support you in changing. If you are serious about change, this is one big step you must take.

Also exercise- my sister and I are and have both always been very active. Not because it burns calories, or to “earn” food, but because we were raised by parents who taught us that we are very lucky to have bodies that allow us to run, cycle, walk, jump, and that pushing ourselves to be fit is a gift not a chore. Try to adopt this mindset. There is someone somewhere who would love to be able to walk for 100 meters.

Spend your time and energy getting your own eating/mindset right and the rest will work itself out honestly. And kindly- if you can afford what you have mentioned then you can afford counselling, it’s just priorities x

I would stay away from your family for 0 00 least 6 months, apart from Xmas. My DC don't see their GPs for 6 months every year as they live abroad but are still very close.
If you aren't able to say no to them then this is the only way.
They are going to set her up with a lifetime of ill health and there is nothing worse.

No, the sleep study is done at home. The clinic issues you with a thingy that measures and records things like your heart rate, oxygen levels, snoring etc. You attach it yourself and sleep at home, then they analyse the results.

As for the suffocating feeling, that is a symptom but it isn't a common one. Most people are unaware that it's happening. The main symptoms that people know about are tiredness, getting up to pee, weight gain, snoring, dry mouth, morning headache, irritability.

You have an eating disorder, you need help and support with this. Only by getting better yourself will you ever be able to help your dd. I would contact BEATS eating disorders charity and get their support. You can do this, it can change but you need support to do so. I know it is hard but you are a good mum you just need some help.

agree with everyone about the sleep study.

and get out and moving. park run can be a great family experience.
or going swimming.
even softplay or the playground in the nearest park. take a ball and walk there.

swap one of the family visits with something active.

wrt meals.
smaller plates is a good idea.
for proportions of food categories imagine a 3 part toddler plate.
large compartment for veg, the smaller compartment each for carby stuff (ideally whole meal) and protein/sauce.

good luck!

Agree with this.

Which set of grandparents are overfeeding her? Your parents?

In that case I'm sorry but you are so close to it all that I think you can't see it- but families have patterns. Patterns of behaviour and expectations.

You have disordered eating and to me it looks like your parents are teaching your DD exactly the same same as you.

It is possible to break out of a family pattern. You need to be a team with your DH.
And you absolutely need talking therapy support. As there's many layers to eating disorders. You seem very self aware, but also hyper critical of yourself.

Do you have access to a dietician for your DD? There is a real focus on childhood obesity so I would ask at school and your GP for a referral.

Then when speaking to family you can give them a briefing 'the doctor says' and it's not coming from you.

One more thing, I learnt a few years ago about grehlin (sp?) The hormone that controls your hunger. It is produced in your actual stomach. And some people do not make enough! So you never feel full. And guess what then overeat.

If your DD could just eat and eat then I think this might be a factor. And it's the adults around her who need to work together to have a healthy diet for her.

And if that means she can't see GPs so often then that's a tough parenting decision you and your DH will have to make together.

Talk to your DH, you need to be a team.

Agree with the others. As much as you might want to feel that it isn’t your doing, one way or another it is I’m afraid. You are responsible for 95% of what she eats. It’s that which does the harm.

If you go to your parents house and they give her say a cake do you then reduce what you give her for dinner? if not then why not?

Do you have puddings and snacks every evening? We only ever have pudding at the weekend. The rest of the time if you’re still hungry you can take extra veg.

Do you plate up her meals or have serving bowls? Serving bowls can mean you take less. Particularly if you tell her to take a little and then she can take more once she’s finished that if she is still hungry.

She spends 3 hours a week with your relatives but the majority of her time with you - you are the one who will have the most impact on her and her eating habits.

sounds like you are angry at yourself and projecting that onto your relatives because you can control your relationship with your relatives and you can’t control your own relationship with food. Much easier to say it’s the grandparents than it’s me.

focus your energy on yourself and being a good role model, that will pay dividends for your child. Loads of great suggestions on this post.

Self-Compassion and intuitive eating is the answer!

You were treated so cruelly as a child and that script is now evident in the way you talk about yourself.

When you can afford therapy this lady is amazing - Simone Harding. She is a psychotherapist and intuitive eating counsellor and trained nutritionist. You cannot solve the eating until you heal your wounds.

There is an intuitive eating book and workbook by Evelyn Tribole, and many Facebook groups/Insta pages.

For your daughter, the division of responsibility approach is amazing, same principles as intuitive eating. Ellyn Satter institute has a lot on it. And on Instagram Kids Eat in Colour.

You can do it 💖

hi OP. So sorry you are feeling this way and it’s a brave post to reach out for help. Overeating is rooted with psychological causes and so I think the best cause of action is therapy, there are some good NHS weight management services which have psychologists, but not sure they exist in all catchment areas. Do ask your GP. If not, if you could privately fund using the money spent on excess food (way easier said than done) it would be a great use of money. Eg search for a clinical psychologist that has expertise in binge eating on betterhelp.com, or just found this in a Google search https://weightmatters.co.uk/clinical-psychology/

Try a clinical psychologist over ‘therapist’ as better qualified although slightly more expensive. Good luck xxx

@Kelta my daughter eats well, it’s the offering of treats that riles me up and I know it’s irrational and caused by my past and current issues with food. I am a responsible parent but I don’t think it’s normal to worry about every other thing she’s offered outside of what I give her. We don’t have puddings every day, if we have something sweet it’s as part of the meal as I don’t think it’s right to separate it out, she makes good choices ie she will eat the cucumber before the sweet yoghurt.
@Rugbee I know it’s me, I’m angry with how I’ve been treated and don’t want the same to happen with her but I don’t know how to get past those feelings of anger towards them even though I know that they weren’t doing it intentionally or wouldn’t want to do that to my daughter. I’ve tried counselling but the course finished and that was it. I’ve told the gp how I feel and because I mentioned binge eating, they don’t deal with it like they deal with anorexia for example. I know it’s therapy I need but I can’t afford to experiment with different ones. To those who say I can because of what I spend on food- I can’t afford that either. I’ve somehow managed to get by without debt but that’s mainly down to getting a bit of inheritance.
@FishAlive12345 I have tried intuitively eating but I think my issues are affecting how well it works as I’m restricting without realising, then obviously binging because of that.
I should’ve mentioned, she’s not been told she’s overweight by a GP, it’s her BMI that I’m going off. She’s about 3 stone- has been for a while to be honest. And she’s about 105cm I think. She’s ‘solid’ as my mum would say.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Pp is correct in saying it's what she eats on a daily basis that's the issue. My nearly 9 year old is just over 3 stone at 128cm. I don't think we do children any favours by referring to obesity as being "sold" but you are taking the first steps in improving things for your daughter. I agree that you need your husband on board and I'd recommend looking at portion sizes. It's so easy to overestimate a portion. For example a portion of cereal is around 30g and is about 2 adult handfuls. Maybe you could post an honest example menu here with amounts and posters could help you see where to make changes. Don't beat yourself up anymore

I know the feeling and it's really tough. I would encourage you to check out the Momentum programme through a charity called Beat. It's free and I'm on my last 2 phone sessions. It's made me realise I have a binge eating disorder and given me the help I needed to work through it. Take care of yourself. https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/get-help-for-myself/momentum/

@JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots
As an example, she eats:
Porridge with banana for breakfast. Probably an adult’s portion (oatso simple sachet) but she usually doesn’t have a mid morning snack.
Lunch can be a few plum tomatoes, 2/3 cucumber sticks and a slice of chicken breast, or in a sandwich, with a pack of raisins or an apple and a babybel. If we go to my grandma’s then she’ll get given a couple of biscuits and maybe a mini milkybar- this isn’t obviously every day!
For tea she might have a portion of spag Bol but it doesn’t fill a baby bowl or anything so doesn’t seem excessive. Then she’ll sometimes have a yoghurt. She likes a cup of milk before bed. She’ll maybe have one cup of squash but does drink water throughout the day.

The treats aren’t love. I say this as a mother of a toddler with a husband who says I give him treats because I love him.

I’ve had to say to him that he’s now giving love to our child. Loving him would be playing with him or cuddles. Sugary treats aren’t love.

treats should be once a week max in our house not with every meal. I’ve tried to get my mum to stop doing puddings too.

I had similar issues with my mum filling my kids up with cake, biscuits, cheese etc after school and then being " surprised" when they didn't eat proper dinner .
For Mum feeding people is how she expresses caring so it's never going to change.

We had to stop going over so often unfortunately and don't go after school anymore,only at weekend lunch time, or after dinner now the kids are.older.

I don't see how she's overweight on that diet if that's a good representation of her intake. The oatsso simple could be replaced with proper oat porridge. I get a 1kg bag of porridge oats from Waitrose for £1.45. I eat porridge every day for breakfast because it's cheap, filling and healthy except for the ton of syrup I put on it 😁 My son has a third cup of oats with 2 thirds milk but if he was 3 I'd make him a quarter cup. I microwave it and it's ready in a few minutes.

Others have commented helpfully and insightfully on the emotional issues. Personally I think it would help if you visited your parents once a week and used the other two 'slots' to go to the park or go swimming. It's hard going sometimes in winter, but it sounds like it would do you both good.

@JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots at her 3 year check or whenever it was, they didn’t suggest they were concerned but it’s because I looked at her BMI. She is heavier than her peers but to look at her you’d just think she was tall- which she is. She asks for more a lot and doesn’t always get it but sometimes I do wonder whether she genuinely is hungry and am I depriving her? I have ‘fussy’ (hate that term) nieces and nephews and I suppose I subconsciously compare them all and worry that she’s eating too much when they just don’t eat at all.

I would also add that I’m currently looking into reducing UPF and I’m concerned that that itself will lead to having a warped view of foods. Im just too self aware I think 😂🙈

I think you’re really overcomplicating it and putting way more emphasis on food than it needs/deserves- maybe because of your own food struggles. It’s really very simple: 3 meals a day, maybe 2 snacks, meals made up of protein, carbs, veg (look up portion size chart online, the “pie chart” type shows how much of your plate should be each). Aim for 5 fruit & veg a day.

Get her active everyday- whether that’s a walk, jog, football, netball, it doesn’t matter what, but it has to be something every day.

The most important thing though is that you ensure you are a good role model for a healthy active lifestyle. You need to be self aware enough to accept that the only person who could possibly be responsible for a “fat” child, is you (and your partner).

If that's genuinely what she's eating then how is she overweight?

Kindly, I think you need perhaps to look more carefully at what you think she's eating. Is the porridge laced with honey or sugar, is the sandwich made with loads and loads of butter, is the spaghetti covered in butter and handfuls of cheese, is she having snacks at nursery, is she having loads of sugary juice, is she having hot chocolate loaded with cream in the evenings etc? If not it must be portion sizes.

All of the above were happening with my overweight DN. Her GP (my parents)and my DSis were insisting she ate healthily. Actually most of what she ate was ready meals loaded with rubbish or beige chicken nugget/pizza and chip meals, she had loads of sugary drinks and my parents would ply her with extras after school. A treat type hot chocolate loaded with marshmallows/whipped cream, sprinkles etc and accompanied by three chocolate biscuits was seen as a "nice drink before bed". Her DF brought sweets home regularly and every single time she went out anywhere they would have coffee/hot chocolate and cake out. In their case they couldn't even see how overweight she was/is. Likewise my obese and now diabetic mother would insist she mainly ate fruit and salad (she absolutely does not).

I really empathize with this. I was 14.7 stone and I'm 5'5. Two kids age 7 and 11. I got to 39 and realised 'I have to get my shit together NOW' not tomorrow, not next week NOW. There are no guarantees in life but we have to try and set an example to our kids. Unfortunately no amount of talking will push you to change, it has to come from you. Just start, write down a list of reasons why you HAVE to loose weight and every time you want to binge, read the list.
ps my kids have far from the perfect diet , one has ADHD which can hugely impact eating and the other is a fussy bugger. Sort out yourself first and the rest will follow