Obese with overweight child

[Whyamilikethis1990]

I'm almost 40, obese, with an overweight preschool aged daughter. I've been overweight all of my life and been preoccupied with my weight since I was about 5. I was called greedy, miserable and lazy a lot by parents, grandparents, friends and even strangers and guess what- it doesn't make me thin, happy or active. I now have a 3 year old daughter who loves her grub and has a big appetite. Family just think this is a novelty and give her anything she wants which causes me a great deal of internal stress and anger. I can tell them not to do it and for the most part they'll listen but she definitely has more than she needs. They think just because it's not always sweets, that they can offer her a massive portion, or extra fruit and it'll be okay- but I find it incredibly triggering and as a result have fallen into binge eating habits more regularly. I have also recently made myself sick which I haven't done in years. I wouldn't have called myself bulimic, but I have definitely some form of disordered eating. It's costing me a lot of money- in one month alone I can spend around £250 on just eating out or junk food to binge on when I'm alone, however I am also finding myself eating lots more than usual in front of my colleagues at work. I am finding it difficult to make better decisions as I don't sleep well so am exhausted every day. It's the worst I've felt and I can tell as my housework standards are slipping and the house is a complete mess. I have a husband who doesn't know the extent to how bad I feel, but he's a great dad and husband and I guess I don't want to worry him. He knows how I feel about my daughter and her eating with family though. I have had blood tests recently and am waiting to speak to a doctor about what they actually tested for as I am concerned I have either hypothyroidism or pre-diabetes but never got results from them. I lack motivation and I know it's all my own fault. I can't help but feel angry at others though. I blame them for making me feel how I feel even though I know its mainly my own doing. I can't afford therapy as yet but have looked into it. I am currently doing a free self esteem course with a local women's charity so have made some sort of first step. I am on sertraline but am also awaiting a review as I feel worse than when I started about a year ago! I feel disgusted about how much I am eating, but also how much I am spending. I just need some advice, guidance, anything that may give me a push in the right direction please.

Bluntly the snacks at her grandparents aren't the cause of her weight.
I grew up in a family with treats - as a child I would always choose chocolate over cucumber... who wouldn't? But we had balanced main meals and were very active.

Do not demonise unhealthy treats. It will only cause issues further down the line. Make sure her main meals are nutritious, the right portion size and prioritise moving. Get her into sports as early as possible. Make sure she is running around outside every.single.day.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself about the small stuff. Not everyone is a hummus loving carrot eating family. Just focus on an overall balanced lifestyle. You will probably find you mood improves and the results will speak for themselves.

She is very tall.. Are you or both her parents tall?
Its the average height of a 4.5yo.

@Kelta i think her portions have been bigger previously but when she was about two I became conscious of her size and tried to reduce them as well as improving the snacks she was having- ie less processed stuff. She is active, she’s at nursery four times a week and we do 3-4 other groups and classes with her. She doesn’t go in the pushchair, it’s not often that we’re in the car. I think I am honest about what she eats, there may be an occasion (parties, birthday etc) where I’ll be less worried about it and just let her have what she wants. And to be honest she’s not sat there scoffing all day, she makes sensible choices and stops if she’s full.

@Schooldinner2 her dad is 6ft 5, I’m 5ft 6, she towers over the other kids at nursery!

@Einszwei its the demonising I’m trying to avoid, but its on my mind all the time. I’ve started having to talk to her about why she can’t have another biscuit before her tea for example. Something lots of parents do, but I never know whether I’m making the problem worse or not. I don’t want my three year old telling her friends they not go healthy snacks or whatever but she does need to know that she can’t have a biscuit whenever she wants- doesn’t she? I don’t know, I don’t know whether I’m just an anxious parent, or an anxious mum with an ED sometimes…

I think you need to focus on your own relationship with food. Sorting yourself out.

Your daughter sounds fine tbh.

I know a bit about childhood nutrition.

The bad news is that babies born to mothers with high BMI are more likely to have excess weight, and the weight gain infants have as tiny tots (up to the age of 2 or so) plays a key role in how heavy they will be later on.

So it's basically not a level playing field for your daughter, she will be more likely to put on weight than other kids. I say that as a mother who also has high BMI, btw. That ship has sailed.

On the other hand, the good news is that means your actions now are not really the thing that will determine your child's being above a certain BMI or not. Take that pressure off. The thing that is reliant on you now is teaching her to have a happy relationship with healthy food that nurtures her and gives her what she needs. The right fibre, vitamins, minerals, protein, energy.

Not thinking of food as an enemy, thinking of it as a wonderful thing that keeps her healthy. You could get some children's books on the digestive system, wall charts about different vitamins etc. Instead of seeing eating as something that's tipping the balance, you can think 'these green beans have iron and calcium that does xyz for our bodies' etc.

Good food in the right portions and don't necessarily use her BMI as a sign that you're failing or she's unhealthy. If she's larger in later life, she'll be like you. Is being like you really that bad? You need to think that through.

We've come great strides in a relatively short time around obesity treatments and I'm really hopeful that in future, we'll find better ways to treat and prevent it.

I'd sit down with your family and say you have struggled with weight and food, you want to avoid the same problems for her, and they must take it seriously that you don't want her to overeat or see junk food as a treat.

There’s two separate issues here. Your child and you.

With respect a preschooler isn’t overweight because of large portions of nutritious food. At that age they self regulate. Unless your family are feeding her the majority of meals it’s also not their responsibility.

Your Pre-school is eating too much of the foods that are an issue for you - junk, ultra processed food. I’d really recommend reading Chris Van Tulleken’s ultra processed people or as a (free) starting point listening to his podcasts https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0017tcy both my boys have had huge appetites but we’ve always followed a roughly 80:20 approach in the house. Main meals are almost exclusively homemade, non UPF/ladgely processed foods.

On to you. It’s not your fault - again listen to CVT. You’re addicted. I have BED and previously had bulimia, I’ve battled with it since my teens. I got my unhealthy attitude towards food from my Mum who was the epitome of diet culture. Things that trigger me:- stress, anxiety, depression. My medicine is the gym, running, staying active. Yours might be different and I recommend getting a decent psychotherapist and also “Life after diets” podcast/books Sarah Dosanjh.

Good luck OP - you really owe it to your daughter to atleast figure this out as you’re paving the path towards her attitude towards food.

Glad to read this OP. I think this is key for your daughter and you.

Does your go surgery have a dietitian? They help with food choices. And how not eating/restricting leads to binges/over eating.

Does your gp surgery have a mental health team?

Does your local NHS trust have an eating disorder clinic you can be referred to?

There's a charity called Beat specifically for eating disorders, that also have a helpline. As previously mentioned there is also a support group called over eaters anonymous

Could you have a nutritional definitely? Thyroid issues?

I think once your mental health improves, you'll make better more conscious food choices, it sounds like you use food to make you feel better/emotional eating, you'll start to be more compassionate towards yourself and less punitive, your self esteem will improve.

Have you thought about joining a gym? It can be really beneficial for your mental health,maybe try the NHS couch to 5k app? Or Doing a weight loss program for those who are new to exercise? Our local council run sports center runs a free 13 week program, it's gentle, positive and looks to improve your mental health, relationship with yourself and when that gets better then your relationship with your body and food gets better x

A friend who has been obese all her life due to childhood overfeeding has just been on the new weight loss drugs and is so incredibly happy. She says she can now actually move and exercise etc. There are potential side effects though and I do not know the details of how you might qualify.

I totally understand why you don’t want the same for your DC and I also understand why you might have trauma/hidden anger towards family members who allowed you to become obese as a child and then mocked you.

Regarding your own child, could you take acceptable snacks to visit your family in a Tupperware box? Things like carrot sticks, cucumber, apple ideally with some protein in? I did allow my kids things like crumpet and honey as long as they also had an apple/satsuma with it.

We are an active slim family. The one rule we always followed is have something healthy and protein with most snacks and meals. For example, if you have an oaty biscuit also have a cup of milk and a few slices of apple kind of thing. The diet you outlined for your DC is good. I alternate porridge with berries in the morning with Greek yoghurt/fruit and granola and homemade seeded bread with eggs/avocado. The other rule I have even for the teens is that you must have some breakfast, however small. Even if it is banana and a cup of milk or a yoghurt with chia seeds. When your child is older, get them to help with healthy food preparation regularly.
My DC were always allowed chocolate/crips/cake but it was occasional rather than the norm. As a family, we never did pudding as the norm. I just did not grow up with that and never passed that habit on. It is something you might have when you go out for a meal and even then, it is occasional.

My DC were always very hungry after nursery or primary school but I always made sure they ate something healthy like avocado on wholemeal bread, cheese, carrots, nuts, apple, yoghurt as snacks, hummus that kind of thing. You can even have apple with peanut butter - that is the “have protein” with every snack rule. They never had soft drinks - it was always water and milk or fresh squeezed orange juice in the winter. Hope that helps.
I think everyone learns habits in their own family and they are really hard to break. My DH only learnt to eat well because I had learnt it as a child and I had to work really hard with him to understand how to eat well. We have a bread maker and manual orange juice squeezer to help. Kids always needed carbs so I would rather they have fresh wholemeal bread to fill them up and loads of fresh fruit that they can help themselves to whenever they want.

I blame them for making me feel how I feel even though I know its mainly my own doing

That's exactly the impression I got from your post, if I'm completely honest. You blamed your family members for 'making' you binge again. You need to take responsibility! This is your choice to deal with stress/negative feelings in this way. Could you try to find a different stress release/emotional outlet? If you don't change anything in yourself, of course you will pass on habits to your daughter.

You can also use the concept of 'worth it' calories.

Say you budget £50 a month for food treats. Instead of buying however many kg of sickly chocolate you can get for that in a supermarket, scoffing them and feeling ashamed, spend that money on something you will relish. Go out and get the best patisserie you can find, go to a fancy restaurant and have a dessert etc. Savour every mouthful. Those calories are worth it because you actually enjoy the experience and it's a rare occurrence rather than a regular emotional crutch.

When you need an emotional crutch, find something like walking, singing, dancing, craft, a good film etc that will make you feel good without opening a packet.

@keiraorciara The problem is I know this, I don’t want to feel like this- how do I stop feeling this way? How do I undo years of anger and resentment? I can’t shake the ‘it’s not fair’ mentality and it’s making me feel worse. I’ve got lots to be thankful for and I know that but I would say I feel I’m not resilient enough to deal with the mundane in life and I turn to food whether I’m happy, sad, tired, skint, rich😂

You ought to remind them of all the things they used to say to you and ask them are they fattening her up so they can say those things to her too. Tell them the damage they did to you and that you will not allow your daughter to go through what you've been through so they have 2 choices. Fucking stop it or you stop them seeing her. End of story. Pick one. You're done with their shit.

This is you excusing yourself for eating too much. Choose your hard: getting bigger and bigger and becoming potentially very ill, or going through the initial difficulties of eating less and moving more? The latter will bring you and your daughter many rewards

Agree with PP - there are two separate issues. You and your daughter.

You are an adult and there may be many reasons for being overweight (some being your fault and others really not). But if a 3 year old is porky, it is the parents' fault - you decide what goes into her mouth!!! It's as bad as letting her get skinny!

Think of yourself as having an addiction to carbs and sugar. carbs in itself aren't bad but they mess around with our insulin and cause us to crave more if you have a sensitivity.

If you could give up all ultraprocessed food, wheat and sugar products for a while, you'll probably lose a tonne of weight and regulate your appetite.

Carry on with potatoes (not fried), pasta and rice (all no more than a third of your plate) but don't have cereals or bread.

Eat fruit too.

After a couple of weeks, introduce occasional home made treats like biscuits or cakes using a third less sugar than the recipe dictates.

@Draconis thats what I’m trying to do, it’s difficult even for someone with a normal relationship with food! It’s something I’ve started, I don’t buy any processed snacks for home and we’ve often got an unprocessed pack up on the go for her.
@IncompleteSenten I’ve made the odd comment over the years but they just don’t comprehend that calling me fat at 12 has caused all this. They think I should just ‘get over it’ and I’m like ‘I’m bloody trying to!!’ 🙈😂
I know what it is I need to do, the exhaustion doesn’t help but I do understand that when I have a good, productive day, then I do feel much better and motivated.

I think what I will do when the doctor gets back to me is actually ask if they are concerned about her weight as that may give me an idea of how ridiculous I’m being if they aren’t!

@Whyamilikethis1990 it's super difficult for anyone who has an addiction.
I'm trying to lose weight too with a carb addiction. I know when I'm not eating bread and other processed food, the weight comes off and I'm thinking 'why did I ever think this was hard? It's so easy!' Then all it takes is one lapse, one meal out and I'm out of control again.
I have to make this my life now.
I fast a lot as it's easier for me to eat nothing for a long period of time than risk eating something that sends me on a binge.
This helps my weight stay stable.

I don’t buy any processed snacks for home and we’ve often got an unprocessed pack up on the go for her.

what does that mean? She doesn’t need snacks, processed or unprocessed. She is eating too much.

@Kelta Is she? That’s why I’m asking a doctor their opinion when they get back to me. I’m not lying with that menu example, and when compared to the many websites that parents use to organise children’s eating, it doesn’t seem that much more? She will also ask for more and I say no quite often- but what if she is genuinely hungry? I stopped buying processed snacks when I looked into UPF so she doesn’t have a morning snack, will once a week or so have a biscuit- is that genuinely too much? How overweight is she? I’m not sure whether to trust the bmi based on what I read about adults and bmi? This is what I’m saying, it’s genuinely confusing, then along with that I have my own issues with food and if she’s overweight then I’ll do all I can to get her to a healthy weight but what I’m asking is how to do that without loading my issues around food onto her?

@Kelta the pack up referred to lunch or dinner- I won’t buy her meals out if I take a pack up

There's free binge eating groups available that might help you. Goggle them in your area.

As for your daughter at that age its better To focus on exercise rather than restrict diet as early diet restrictions can actually lead to binge eating disorder in later life so its a tricky path...
Does she do thinks like walk to and from school? Is she spending plenty of time running about in the park? Could you incorporate things like going for a long Sunday walk with her each weekend?
I feel for you as I've struggled with my weight in my life... it's hard. Harder than people who've never had those issues can understand.