I am regretting become a mum

[Theicingonthecake]

I’m really starting to regret having a DS.
please be kind.. he’s 11weeks, BF,
been told how lucky I am he sleeps from 7;30-5am but he only cat naps during the day 2 x 30 mins which means he’s overtired and overstimulated in the evenings are the worst, I can’t leave him as he screams the house down and just wants to cluster feed. It’s making me feel anxious as I’m constantly fighting him fighting sleep, like I try rocking, shushing, putting down, picking up nothing helps him nap during the day.
husband doesn’t get it, told him how I’m feeling and he just says ‘go back to work’ or ‘you’ve got PND’..but I think just because I’m struggling doesn’t mean I’m depressed.
We had a massive blow out argument because I said I’m not sure if I even wanted a child, and he just went silent and walked off - so I got angry and said I wanted a divorce and I want to leave them both because I’m so unhappy.
Please be kind I’m not a bad person. I’m burnt out- I do all the housework and baby stuff, cleaning, washing, changing and he helps sometimes with cooking or trying to settle baby but it’s not enough I’m exhausted.
I do have some guilty feelings, I miss baby when I’m away from him but I’m starting to resent him when he’s screaming for hours and won’t settle to sleep :( the sound is so overwhelming

This is completely normal and it will pass. Your world has been blown apart and you're shattered, hormonal and on your knees. You're wondering what the fuck have I done!! It will all be ok in time, I promise. If you do feel as though it is postnatal anxiety please speak to your gp.

Try and be kind to each other. Dh and I say we don't know how couples survive having babies. We found it really hard, especially as ours didn't sleep and I'd had a traumatic birth. We were in a right state to be honest.

Sorry, not much practical advice apart from keep going through the motions and it will all come right in time. Also you don't have to keep breastfeeding.

I found the first few months very challenging too, my DS was very screamy and I found it really stressful getting out and about.

You’re on maternity leave to look after the baby, not to do all the housework though.

So you look after the baby while DH works. In the evenings/ weekends all the cooking, cleaning, house work should be shared. And you should both have equal time off / relaxing time.

It really helped me to get out of the house just for a short walk on my own.

Leave the baby with DH - it’s his child too. If you’ve fed the baby before you go, it doesn’t matter if the baby cries - DH will have to learn to settle him. I’m sure you get cried at a lot. You definitely don’t want to end up with a baby that will only settle for you - you are both parents and he needs to do his share too.

It really is that hard! Seriously very very hard! I've been there!

Just a thought- do you have any caffeine at all? If so try cutting it out and see if baby settles better. It takes a few days to get out of their system. This did the trick for me- my LO was extremely sensitive to any amount of caffeine in my diet. After a few days the screaming just stopped.

But even if that's not an issue, it's very normal and no nothing is wrong with you! My youngest is 17mo now and sometimes I get huge pangs of guilt that maybe I shouldn't have had her because I WFH and I don't give her enough focused attention. The first year was so rough (bad PND/anxiety) it feels like it wasn't even real. I'm just now coming back to myself and feeling like no, I can do this. I will figure this out and everything will be fine. It took me quite awhile to get to this point. And that's totally okay. Struggling doesn't mean anything bad about us as mothers. It just shows we're really trying hard. In both our cases the dads are incompetent. I'm tempted to say you should leave the two of them alone, maybe then dad will realize his mistakes in how he's treating you! Maybe not a good idea, but you should be supported better for sure. Hang in there though, this will pass! Not easy but you'll see the other side soon. 💜

I totally sympathise, and don’t worry things WILL improve but you need some support. In this situation my mum came to stay for a long weekend - she helped with everything (and helped show my dh that he couldn’t just leave everything to me). Do you have a family member or in—law who might help?

Regarding the screaming and being overtired: colic is a completely normal, many babies scream in the evenings. It is the most distressing sound and you feel so exhausted and helpless. I’d say look at physical causes too - I agree with cutting out caffeine - don’t have any at all. I also cut out dairy for the year I was breast feeding and it made a huge difference. And try some baby massage before the screaming starts - especially knees and tum. I build up of wind can cause pain and screaming.

Housework can wait, honestly. And food can be very simple - when toast and boiled eggs kind of effort is about right!

Try not fighting his sleep during the day. He hasn't read the book and doesn't care that he should be getting a second sleep cycle, and you worrying about it and trying to push the issue is only making both of you miserable (I say this as someone who had two less-than-ideal sleepers, but the second one I just went with it and everyone was happier). During the day, take him with you, do what you need to do, pop him in a bouncer to watch if you're showering or hanging laundry. A change of mindset around his day sleep might really help both of you.

I know it feels horrible now but it will get better. The first months are freaking hard but you can do it.

I've been where you are. DD is 10 months old. I love her, but I struggled. I told my husband I wanted to put her up for adoption and I wanted a divorce. Yes, I had PND but I also had next to no help with everything (and where I did, I refused it out of pride 🤦‍♀️). DD was also BF and I felt like she was constantly on boob and contact napping which made everything feel so hard and heavy, it's totally normal. Shit, but normal.

This is the hardest part and you both will come out stronger for it, but all of it sounds normal and difficult. He's not being very considerate or using his brain much and neither did my DH. Maybe find a girlfriend you can chat to? Or even your mum - that really helped me xx

Feed him a bottle at night. Gina Ford. Split feeds. 5.30 and 7 I think from memory. You can still breast feed in the day. Might help. Or just full bottle feeding.

Thanks.. DH has him for me occasionally whilst I take a bath or walk or whatever.but everything’s always been done ready to go, clean bottles a bag of expressed milk, nappies a change of clothes ready.. I don’t think he actually understands the gravity of caring for the little human and the things I do constantly everyday. I feel like just throwing my hands up and saying ‘fuck it’ I’m off you do it all.

All really normal. It will get better. Have lots of cuddles In afternoon and see if falls asleep but don't force it.

Expect to achieve nothing during the witching hours and yes unfortunately cluster feeding is normal at that time.

Accept lots of help, try to eat, drink and sleep plenty and speak to your dr if you feel you are depressed.

You could let DZh prrr we p for taking the baby out? Obviously not the bottle, but the baby bag etc? Sounds as if he needs to do more.
I’m sensitive to noise and used foam earplugs to take the edge off the crying noise otherwise I was in constant state of alarm when my babies were small and crying in my arms. Obvs only when close enough to hear them through the earplugs! You can get them at pharmacies or online very cheaply.
It will get better.

*you could let DH prep for taking the baby out. Apologies can’t figure out how to edit!

I know that feeling, it will pass. My DD is 20m now and she mean the world to me but the first year was a really blur and all about survival. i hated the first couple of months and felt like i was in a dark tunnel. They are so small but also so so demanding that you easily loose yourself the first year. Exclusive BF is tough as it is so demanding on you only.

Your partner need to understand your struggle and not to dismiss your feelings as it makes it all worse.

Getting out is indeed difficult at 11w, but start looking for baby classes in your area and make a plan on which days you go where. You meet other mums and often in same boat so it will feel refreshing to speak to someone who can relate to you in real time line. All those classes made me sane and i felt more like a human again after finally stepping outside when DD was 4m.

Your baby could have reflux - you need to keep head above stomach at all times - lift the cot by using a towel change nappies in a cushion.

Wind really well. Use a soft seat.

Go to bed when the baby is asleep and forget about house work for now - it’s not a priority.

When baby is 6 months the world is a better place! It does get better.

Once I stopped trying to make my baby go to sleep I started to feel a lot better. Mine just didn’t want to nap during the day until she was about 16 weeks. So we just cuddled, went for walks, went to a baby class/cafe every day for the change of scenery.

Drop an aspect of housework and give to your husband. Don’t have everything ready for him so you can go have a bath, he can work it out himself and the quicker he does the happier you’ll both be. I was guilty of micromanaging at the beginning but once I stopped yes DH got it a bit wrong but then he gained confidence and we were both happier for it.

Get a sleep consultant, worth their weight in gold

Ear plugs during the day.
Switch to formula.
Sleep training.
Go off for the day at the weekend, leave the baby with his father. Turn off your phone while you're gone.

Ear plugs and sleep training at 11 weeks?

I think a lot of people just assume you’re trying to get a happy baby to sleep. It’s difficult to sit and cuddle and enjoy a writhing, crying, increasingly distraught baby. DDs fussy stage (maybe 7-10 weeks) nearly broke me. I don’t necessarily have useful advice but it does pass

I wish I could have seen into a crystal ball at1-4m pp and known what my life would be like at 9m I'd have found it soooooo much easier. I too was convinced I had destroyed my life.

I can relate closely to everything you've written... But honestly it's a temporary state... I hated newborn stage yet in a couple of months my DD will turn 2 and her sibling will arrive 🥴🤣

You are literally in the worst part of this. It gets so so much better.

For me, breastfeeding was fucking me up big time but I felt unable to stop as I would have "failed" and when I finally stopped at 4m it was like dawn broke. I didn't realise how much it was ruinning my experience until I stopped.

Unpopular opinion: I also had to do a lot of work with DH to get him to plan ahead.
I left him with the baby alone for short periods frequently and let him experience natural consequences (eg. Baby needs feeding - no clean bottle... Baby needs changing nappies were left 2 floors down etc). Drop the prep and micromanaging - he will work it out. My dh is very competent/hands on now.

This feeling is very natural. You are describing being overwhelmed.

What worked for me was to make no attempt to impose order, but rather to focus on what would be best in the moment.

So I wouldn't bother trying to get the baby to sleep or do anything on a routine, I'd pick a brilliant TV series to watch, get your DH to bring you drinks and food, just feed. When you want a bath, go for a bath, your DH can just jiggle the baby til you return.

It'll be ok. You're doing much better than you feel like you are.

Stop getting everything ready to go. Express milk and leave in freezer. He can defrost and sterilise the bottles. He can find clothes.

Take time out for yourself - leave house for a few hours each day at weekend. And have early nights with ear plugs two mid week evenings and have your DH deal with the baby.

It’s hard but it sounds like you’ve sheltered your DH from the difficult stuff.

Would be good if you can help the baby sleep a bit more in the day, can we why he is exhausted in the evening and won’t settle. Really need a good length lunchtime nap. Maybe if you fed at 12 and then go for a walk with the pram, and do this daily for a week you can get a routine of a sleep then. Ideally it would be done in his cot in the long run.

If you’re happy giving an occasional bottle, I would put formula in it personally, pumping is just more work for you, and your baby will still be getting all the benefits of breastfeeding if that’s what you’re doing most of the time.

It was a really hard time, but me and DH were in it together. As soon as he came home I basically handed the baby over. Apart from the breastfeeding, when we’re both home we share the work (baby work and house work). If I could do a bit of housework in the day then I would, but DH never expected me to.

I'm not advocating continuing with bf if a mum wants to stop, but this is very bad advice if a mum wants to continue to bf and get to the easier bit of bf-ing.

Mixed feeding fucks up supply and therefore makes bf-ing harder.

She already said the baby has a bottle sometimes.. I haven’t made that suggestion.

I’m just saying that putting formula instead of expressed milk in the bottle may lessen her workload and the baby is still getting all the benefits of breastfeeding. I don’t see there’s a downside to that.

I think at 11 weeks you are at peak scream and it should start to get better soon. Hang in there! I remember when each hellish evening felt like a lifetime, but it will pass I promise.