I am regretting become a mum

[Theicingonthecake]

I’m really starting to regret having a DS.
please be kind.. he’s 11weeks, BF,
been told how lucky I am he sleeps from 7;30-5am but he only cat naps during the day 2 x 30 mins which means he’s overtired and overstimulated in the evenings are the worst, I can’t leave him as he screams the house down and just wants to cluster feed. It’s making me feel anxious as I’m constantly fighting him fighting sleep, like I try rocking, shushing, putting down, picking up nothing helps him nap during the day.
husband doesn’t get it, told him how I’m feeling and he just says ‘go back to work’ or ‘you’ve got PND’..but I think just because I’m struggling doesn’t mean I’m depressed.
We had a massive blow out argument because I said I’m not sure if I even wanted a child, and he just went silent and walked off - so I got angry and said I wanted a divorce and I want to leave them both because I’m so unhappy.
Please be kind I’m not a bad person. I’m burnt out- I do all the housework and baby stuff, cleaning, washing, changing and he helps sometimes with cooking or trying to settle baby but it’s not enough I’m exhausted.
I do have some guilty feelings, I miss baby when I’m away from him but I’m starting to resent him when he’s screaming for hours and won’t settle to sleep :( the sound is so overwhelming

We've all been there and honestly it sounds like moving forward changes will be made and it will make improvements. At 6 weeks I was at peak ready to end it all and never seen them again! It can be so Hard when breastfeeding and having a tiny human attached to you. It's rough. So rough. Sometimes it takes the dads a little longer to catch up on it all too. You sound like a fab mum doing the best for her baby. Xxx

As many others have said, this really is normal. I felt exactly the same. I remember feeling slightly better at 6 months and then better again at one year.
By the time they were toddlers I was loving it - despite all the tantrums! I was sleeping again and they were just so cute!
I know you can't imagine it now but one day you'll have a lovely little boy who delights you every day and this difficult, miserable baby will be a distant memory.

I haven't read all responses as there's so many so apologies if I'm repeating anything but the biggest piece of advice I can tell you is ASK FOR HELP.

Call your HV immediately and tell her how you're feeling.

I struggled with post natal anxiety and ds was 2yo before a kind gp recognised it. I didn't ask for help when I felt so low as I felt ashamed but becoming a new mum is incredibly overwhelming and emotional.

Advice I wish I could have given myself

1. Tell the HV or a GP how you're feeling ASAP
2. Dont pressure yourself to bf. Combi feeding is a good alternative.
3. Try laying down to bf, you and baby may both get some sleep this way. This was a game changer for me.
4. Get out of the house. Baby groups, a walk with baby in buggy, even just a drive and some music while baby sleeps in car seat. Anything to feel less alone and more like you.

Hang in there Mumma, it gets better i promise.

I haven’t read all the posts and so what I am going to say may have already been mentioned.

I have two DC. For each birth, I struggled around the two month mark. On both occasions, it was because the baby had changed and I was still treating the baby like a one week old. Going on to a routine saved my life. The first day I did Gina Ford routine at 7 weeks for DC2, she slept through and took longer naps as well as falling asleep within seconds. DC1 went on a routine at 3.5 months. For DC1, I used Littleones.co (this is different to LittleOnes.com). He went from 20 min cat naps to 90 min naps after two weeks.

people can be very snobbish and anti-routines but, if you’re struggling to get things done as baby won’t nap, try a routine. I liked both Gina Ford and Littleones.co.

littleones.co has an app which has tons of advice as well as sleep consultants you can use. If you use Gina Ford, you should read her book. She has an undeserved bad reputation but, when you read her book, she is actually very mainstream (other than losing the third nap at three months, which I ignored).

it is very hard to be a SAH when baby is little and you’re breastfeeding. Breastfeeding will become quicker when they get bigger. If it’s possible for you, try to get a cleaner come in once a week or so to help out. Fitting in housework and childcare becomes easier when child is bigger but it’s impossible with new borns.

the Express feeding issue with your mum could be because the grandparents forget how to bottle feed a baby. They try to shove bottle into baby’s mouth and, when baby recoils, grandparent thinks “baby is not hungry” and gives up.

Ah I feel so sad for you. This is all totally normal the problem is no one tells you and I know I was so scared to tell anyone as what if they took him.

I didn't breastfeed, I was told I couldn't as I had a section ( I imagine thats changed now he's 26 )

At about 8 weeks my HV realised DS had a problem with a valve in his tummy which mean't all his bottles needed thickner added to his bottle. This greatly reduced the support I could get from others as it was so different. I didn't ask for help I went back to work and after 4 weeks had a breakdown. now I look back on it I believe I had PD and I should have asked for help sooner.

Don't be scared to ask for help call your HV and show her what you've said here. They can support you.

lots of great advice here I'm not the type to go to mummy and babies groups don't feel bad if your not either there is no one size fits all.

it does get better. you don't mention if you have family support ?

please ask for some help

I think you need your husband to take annual leave and let you sleep. He can look after baby. Don't be tempted to do housework you just need sleep.

Yes, it is super difficult in the first year but especially the first 4 months I think.
I felt like you and I continued to bf but in hindsight I wish I changed to formula.
This will give you a piece of You back.

I'd also recommend a cleaner if you can afford to

Feeling this way is completely
normal. If you are able to, try to let your baby have their naps on you. It may seem impossible to get anything done but if you set aside their nap time as your rest time it will help your mindset massively. At this age baby is your focus and only the immediate and most important house chores need doing. Washing, washing up, hoovering. All of which can be done during baby’s awake time (or by dp). Nap time can be for you to have some time to yourself to sleep (if co-sleeping safely), watch tv or get done any admin you need doing. Set up the area you want baby to nap with you so you can have everything in arms reach - phone, water (especially if bf), snacks, book, tv remote etc - and then when they are ready for the nap let them lay on you for the entirety of it. BF to sleep worked 9/10 for my baby. Don’t listen to ridiculous advice about bad habits - there are none at this age! Enjoy it because contact naps are so freeing when you get into it and of course who doesn’t want to cuddle their beautiful sleeping baby. Oh and don’t forget to wee before you sit down 🙈.

100% I could have written this. Both of mine are IVF babies so they were desperately wanted but after my first I definitely felt like it was a huge mistake and I wanted to send her back.
I used to drive for hours cos it was the only way she'd nap. The exhaustion is like nothing else and with breastfeeding it's so hard as everything is on you.
Could Ur oh take over more house jobs for a while?
Do you go to any baby groups? Even just getting out of the house and speaking to other adults made me feel better and less alone.
Also maybe reach out to your HV. I know you say you're not depressed but even just chatting to someone may help. I literally poured out my heart to mine (then s**t myself cos I thought she'd take the baby) but honestly it was the best thing I could have done.
I know it doesn't feel like it now but I promise it WILL get better. The cluster feeds will stop, he'll start to nap better and you will start to feel more like you again and not just a mum.
Sending you a huge hug xxx

Do some combi feeding with formula and have some time to yourself away from baby. It is so so so hard and you'll get through it. It gets much better. It's just a phase. It feels like forever but you'll look back at it as a flash.

I did combi feeding for the first12 weeks then went full bf again after that once nights were uninterrupted. Best if someone else can do any bottles I think. No confusion at all for baby. It was easy to do. And I got some sleep and me time and stayed sane. Try it.

Ah honestly I could have written this post when mine was about 8 weeks old. The first year, but in particular the first 6 months are so tough. I promise it gets better. I’ve enjoyed every stage more than the last - my 2 year old is a joy.

Find a way to get some you time. It’ll help. I went to the hairdressers for 2 hours when my baby was about 12 weeks old and it was the longest I’d ever been away from him (typical breastfed baby) but I think if I’d had some time like that earlier it would have helped massively. Your husband can do more than you or he thinks he can. Get him to step up!

Despite all of the above sometimes feeling like this is a sign of post natal depression or anxiety. If you think it might be speak to someone. There’s lots of help out there.

Have you tried contact naps at all? My son is similar to yours in that he sleeps really well at night but not during the day. I’ve discovered that he will nap but only in my arms. It’s not ideal as I have to hold him and I don’t get a chance to sleep myself. But it does stop him getting too overtired at the end of the day. It gives me a bit of a break as well as I sit and read a book or go on my phone while I’m holding him.

My husband used to walk in at night from work and I’d hand him out first born son and say, there you go, and go to my bed. He was fine with that, and he’d also get up in the night and bring baby through if he needed feeding. He’d also take him away sometimes at the weekend for an hour or so just to give me a break. Looking back neither of my boys were hard work really, but being a new mum is bewildering and a big shock to the system. We had no family nearby so my husband was my only support, and it’s vital that you get that. Do you have family nearby who could give you a bit of a break?

Breastfeeding gets easier after the first 12 weeks, but you're in a very fussy phase right now. It passes! Did your Mum pace feed the bottles? If baby is getting plenty of wet/dirty nappies and gaining weight, they are getting enough milk and you're doing a brilliant job.

Please don't listen to people telling you to quit- formula doesn't improve sleep, it often makes colic and reflux worse and it's a right faff with all the sterilisation and cleaning and taking bottles everywhere with you. You made the choice to BF, don't accept less than full support for your choice.

DH needs to step up, your job right now is looking after the baby and his job is looking after you. Take a day to rest and he can bring the baby to you for feeds and let you sleep. Housework can wait until he's home from work, and both of you can switch to a "bare minimum" level- wash the dishes, wipe the counters and do laundry. No-one ever died of dust bunnies under the sofa.

If you can afford it, you could consider a meal subscription like Gousto a few days a week and eat egg on toast the rest of the week.

Go easy on yourselves. Newborns are hard, but this is not forever.

Totally normal and 11 weeks is still a very young baby.

I felt like this for about 15 months with both of mine, then much easier.

Hopefully it won't take that long for you. Every day is long when you're so tired and fed up. Of course you miss your old life, why would you not?

Promise it gets easier. Hang on in there.

Oh goodness, you’re not a bad person of course! This is so normal. It DOES get better, which I know doesn’t help right now. It sounds as though you need a break and a bit more support. If you have access to that please accept it! It’s so vital in these early days. And again - this is normal. You are not a bad person.

When you’re breastfeeding you should NOT be doing all this other stuff. It’s a full time job at 11 weeks. Your husband needs to cop on and pull his weight. You’re giving your baby an amazing start in life by doing that
however as others say if it’s getting you down it’s ok to stop. You’ve already given so much
I found things got easier around the three month mark and again at six. It won’t be like this forever
what you’re experiencing is very understandable very normal
are there mum and baby groups you could attend? Ask your phn about services. I attended a really good psychologist run course for new mums when I struggled and found it helpful
you’re doing great and go easy on yourself

You aren’t the only one don’t worry. Our favourite line in that first year was ‘we were so happy before, why did we do this?’. Both babies didn’t sleep for years, one wouldn’t be held by anyone else but me. The first year of parenthood was horrendous. I had mahooosive buyers regret for certainly the first year.

you are in the thick of it now and it feels like it will never ever ever end. It feels like this is your life forever and you want that old life back.

But I promise it does get better, day by day, weeks by week, month by month until you have teenagers in the house and you long for that period again even if just for a short time. You do forget the pain. Make sure you have breaks- my mum was a godsend during that time. I look back and it feels like it happened to someone else.

the good definitely outweighs the bad!

I personally think that raising a baby to 1 is one of the hardest things you can do, especially if it's your first time and you don't know what to expect. It's really draining and completely changes your life. You just go into survival mode. They go from being able to do absolutely nothing to rolling, sitting, feeding themselves, beginning to chat and walk all under your guidance. It's massive.

Im 37 and have always worked full time. We've got a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old. I've literally exploded at my husband this morning because I'm so sick of feeling like I do everything. Because I've worked and looked after the kids I feel like I've got a pretty good idea of the differences. I know his job is stressful but he gets to go out alone, speak to adults, have hot drinks and not be on alert constantly. He's mostly good with the toddler but struggles with babies (as if we find it easy). Nothing gives me the rage more than watching him play with his phone in bed after I've been up with baby and I'm having to sort the toddler first whilst baby thinks he's being ignored because he's the one who can move. He thinks I should let him grizzle. Obviously not all, but I think men tend not to have an much empathy as women and it just doesn't bother them unfortunately. He thinks I've created some sort of monster whilst I'm screaming at him that separation anxiety is normal. At the moment I completely feel like I could walk out, but I know this will pass like it did the first time.

It does get better and you're not alone in feeling as you do. I found around 1 a lovely age, and there's nothing better than a hug from my toddler. I know it probably feels an age away At the moment, but it creeps up.

I expressed exclusively as I can't breastfeed. it's not quite the same but it's exhausting. In the end I just went onto formula and it was so much better.
Having a baby can be very hard and you need to make time for yourself.
Depending on your attitude to formula feeding it can sometimes make you feel less guilty about leaving your baby.
I am a total advocate for BF but...think about how it affects others around you. I'm not making excuses for your husband, however there may be bonding or jealousy issues going on.
Men can sometimes find it hard to adjust to having to share their SO with a very needy baby especially when they're being BF. If you're the only one feeding, doing changes putting them to bed it can make some men feel absolute.
It can make some people very bitter.
You need a break. If that means a break from the housework, then do that. If it's a break from your baby for a day then do that. If you're lucky enough to have parents that can look after your baby then definitely do that. Rekindle your relationship and talk about what each other wants.
It does get better, but also more challenging in other ways when they get older.
Personally I found the newborn stage the easiest time with my kids. Terrible twos were the worst and teenagers were the most emotionally draining now they're in their 20s they're financially draining.

If I were you I'd drop the housework. The most important "task" right now is making sure you and DS are healthy.

Have you checked out COOK? They offer 10% discount to new parents and supply very high quality freezer meals with nothing added that you wouldn't have in your own kitchen. A lifeline for new parents. There might be one nearby but they also deliver.

It is definitely an overwhelming time and we are all guilty of trying to do too much at this stage. Not helped by unrealistic posts on social media.

Cluster feeding in the evenings and at night is normal. It's when baby can stimulate a greater supply of milk. That doesn't make it easier but it does explain why it's a thing. It will pass though.

My DD was EBF until she was 2. My DS is 9m and EBF also. It's tiring as it's all on you but I didn't want to do formula and I found pumping stressful with all the sterilising faff and low pump output. Saying that I'm going to a work Xmas do this eve so have managed to pump 160ml to leave for DH to feed DS with... we'll see how they get on!

Have you tried taking DS out in the car or buggy at nap times? Your DS sounds a lot like my daughter did and she would literally not nap in her cot. She still doesn't and she's 3. It was pram or car only. Pram was preferred as a safer sleep position, and we were lucky in that we could park her in the garden with the door wide open so we could hear when she woke up. The cool air definitely helped her nap for longer. It didn't allow me to sleep but it allowed me to rest.

Your other half will come around. I remember yelling at my DH that I was overwhelmed enough myself without his moaning about her crying, and he was supposed to help me not make it harder. He stomped off at the time but it must have sunk in as he was heaps better after that!

But seriously, ignore anything but the essential cleaning and cooking at this point. It's not worth the knock to your mental health.

Personally I'd be asking your husband to help more round the house. It's not all on you just because your home and he should be helping ease that up.
I know it seems daunting but go for a walk with baby it sometimes helps them go to sleep and it's also so good for mental health. Fresh air and time outside can do magic. Babies are hard work and especially when they are overtired and won't nap! I find even at that age routine helps. So try have times when you sit down and little ones on a playmat with toys and you interact. Build up that so you can get baby better with being off you if that makes sense.
It takes time but build a routine with chill out times and walks weather permitting your little one will get better. It's worth asking your partner to also take baby so you can get some you time however you spend it. My partner would take our daughter out for a few hours at least once a week and it saved my sanity. Please mention this to your hv or gp dint struggle alone. Even look for baby groups and messy play etc xxx

OP, no advice really, but know you’re not alone. Today my 4 months old son was screaming while being changed and dressed for a bedtime, that I just lost it and left him with my husband. Walked out of the room to cover my ears! I was with him for 4 days straight while my husband was away, I’m just so tired and didn’t have proper break as my husband is quite ill and needs rest after wotk although he really helps. It’s bloody hard work.
If I may suggest something, please do speak to your gp, because it sounds like you might have pnd and might need bit of support, but don’t take your husband’s BS that this is why you’re annoyed. He needs to do more.

Hang in there mumma, it does get easier.

I think it is natural to pick up doing everything because we are 'off work', but you just can't or you burn out.

Have a think about what your husband can do to ease your load and then explicitly tell him what you need from him, you can't expect him to just know as they don't always think like us. For me, I ask my husband to do the pots, the weekly shop and the hoovering which really helps.

My baby only cr4p naps too. I have found a baby carrier helpful, a play gym and one of those little manual bouncer chairs so he can sit and watch what I am doing.

Cluster feeding in an evening is normal. Download some books onto a kindle or find a series you enjoy and just prepare yourself for evenings on an armchair.

Finally, it is easier to ignore the chores if you are out the house. Find something you love doing with baby, whether that is a walk in the park, reading books to them at the library or attending baby groups.

Really hope this helps. It does get better. When they start smiling and laughing at you and give something back, it feels so much more worthwhile.