I am regretting become a mum

[Theicingonthecake]

I’m really starting to regret having a DS.
please be kind.. he’s 11weeks, BF,
been told how lucky I am he sleeps from 7;30-5am but he only cat naps during the day 2 x 30 mins which means he’s overtired and overstimulated in the evenings are the worst, I can’t leave him as he screams the house down and just wants to cluster feed. It’s making me feel anxious as I’m constantly fighting him fighting sleep, like I try rocking, shushing, putting down, picking up nothing helps him nap during the day.
husband doesn’t get it, told him how I’m feeling and he just says ‘go back to work’ or ‘you’ve got PND’..but I think just because I’m struggling doesn’t mean I’m depressed.
We had a massive blow out argument because I said I’m not sure if I even wanted a child, and he just went silent and walked off - so I got angry and said I wanted a divorce and I want to leave them both because I’m so unhappy.
Please be kind I’m not a bad person. I’m burnt out- I do all the housework and baby stuff, cleaning, washing, changing and he helps sometimes with cooking or trying to settle baby but it’s not enough I’m exhausted.
I do have some guilty feelings, I miss baby when I’m away from him but I’m starting to resent him when he’s screaming for hours and won’t settle to sleep :( the sound is so overwhelming

I have now 6 yr old boy/girl twins. But when they were small I found that a 30 min walk out in their pram would result in a good 2 hour sleep for them, sometimes to the point where I would have to wake them for a feed (they were bottle fed though). If I put them down for a nap in their cots, they would only sleep for about 30-45 mins so would get overtired in the evening and then wouldn't sleep so well overnight either.

I also found they would have quite a good sleep after doing an activity. I did baby massage when they were only a couple of months old, then we started swimming 'lessons' at about 7 months old, gymboree, tiny talk (baby sign language). They would fall asleep in the car on the way home and I could transfer them to cots and they would have a good sleep, allowing me a wee (much needed) nap too.

It can be tough being a Momma, especially if you are exhausted. Every little thing feels so much more challenging and overwhelming.

Hang in there, you're doing a great job x

I get it. I’ve had many times with my youngest when I felt this way, I’d think how easy life would be if I’d just kept to my first who was so easy in comparison.

having said that, my son is about to be 4 and this last year has been the best. It does get easier, it may not be straight away but it does.

I am sorry you are struggling. Do you have any outside help apart from your partner

My DS2 was like this, he cried/screamed all the time in the early months and I felt exactly like the same - that I had made a huge mistake, I contemplated walking out and leaving DH and my 2 DC, had thoughts of adoption… it was a really low point for me.

Now I cannot imagine life without DS2 he is the light of my life! He’s the most sweetest and bubbly little soul.

DS2 had terrible reflux so I would highly recommend getting your baby in a sling for naps. Mine went from constantly screaming to having 2 hours naps whilst permanently strapped to me :) but it’s a great chance to get out, get some fresh air and exercise which will help with your mental health.

I would also recommend a white noise machine (I used the hussh Marpac portable one), and a dummy if you haven’t introduced already.

I'll reply properly when I have time but just know that it DOES get better.

I could have written this post …. such a distant memory as it was over 18 years ago, but your post brought it all back.

I was also breast feeding, and DD slept all night, every night (no one believed me, but she definitely did!) but she was awake all day. Overstimulated and over tired but wouldn’t let me put her down. DH went back to work as soon as I came out of hospital (self employed and in the middle of a major project and I’d been in hospital a week due to c-section).

It was hard. Awful. I cried a lot. I thought it was PND, but I was just overwhelmed by the massive lifestyle change and being 100% responsible for another human. I stopped breast feeding, which made a huge difference to both me and DD. Things gradually got better. By the time she was 2, we were ready for another. Another DD. Far less overwhelming because I was already in the ‘mother mindset’ and she just fit in.

They’re 18 and 15 now and I could never imagine a life where we didn’t have kids, but when I look back on those first few months, I know I felt like I couldn’t see a way out.

I really feel for you. Is there anyone you can talk to (apart from DH)? I joined a mum and toddler group in my village when DD was 5 weeks old (my DM forced me!) and it was the best thing I ever did. Those mums saved me. 18 years later, we still meet up and go away together. We’ve seen each other through tough times and fun times.

Hang in there x

Mine are teens now but with both mine I felt exactly the same and was really low and a reason I stopped at 2 because I couldn’t handle the thought of the depression I felt during those first few weeks. As soon as I changed to bottled milk it was so much easier and they were allot happier I wanted to give my second child the same start as my first that’s why I bf again. You will get through this don’t be so hard on yourself or hubby :)

It will get better! What saved my sanity with my screamy first baby was blue tooth earphones. The freedom of being able to pop them in my ears NO wire was just bliss for me. I’d put music on or a pod cast or film! And just walk about the house, garden, street! Mine struggled a lot at night. I have a memory of being in his nursery one night rocking him with my ear phones in, loud music to dull the sound of the crying once the crying settled I put some more chilled out music on and watched all the lights In everyone’s house go off one by one, and felt very alone (our gardens back on to each other) I then eventually managed to sit down. I spent that night up down up down (he was still sleeping in NTM but I was in the nursery to not disturb dh) I then watched all the same lights come back on the following morning having not actually got back into bed. I was so frazzled And low at the time but now I just have these lovely memories dancing and swaying cuddling ds through his difficult times. My point being you’ll get through it, what was the worst time for me is now some of my fondest memories with ds1.
Ds1 was eventually diagnosed with reflux and a cows milk allergy.

tomorrow, stay in your pjs, sit on the sofa, cuddle the baby, watch a series on Netflix and forget about the housework and the sleep schedules etc. just enjoy cuddles with your baby because you won’t be able to do that forever. I know that it now feels like this is your life forever but it isn’t. This will pass very soon and get much easier. I used to do some baby massage techniques during the evenings when unsettled- it calmed him down and passed the time.

Thank you again for your kind comments. Has anyone exclusively expressed to feed? My mum took him yesterday for me, he had 3 x large (defrosted 7oz bags from my supply) and he napped reasonable well after each (about 40 mins) and when I picked him up gone 6 - he was a different baby. I’m worried hes not nursing properly hence the screaming/cluster feedings in evenings.. last evening he cried around 7 for a feed I gave him an expressed bottle he fell asleep right away.. he’s still asleep now I’m wide awake ha!

It's unlikely he's not feeding properly/enoigh if he is growing well - presumably he's gained weight? If you don't know, get this checked as a matter of urgency.

I can understand the sort of desperate feeling to fix things with the baby's routine but honestly the best thing would be to try to soothe/calm yourself as much as possible.

When you say he screams with you - is that whilst you are actually feeding, or when you are attempting to put him down?

If you want to stop bf-ing then you should do so without any guilt, but if you want to continue bf-ing it would help you long term to do what will be best for that, and allowing cluster feeding is good for supply.

Some people do express and bottle feed, but it is harder than bf-ing, both in terms of work and maintaining supply, plus there is a risk inherent in controlling supply of something that should be unlimited.

I think you need 1-1 support tbh, from someone who understands bf-ing and can check if anything is going on.

I know the temptation, but exclusive pumping is not the easy option. In my opinion its the worst of both worlds (in terms of hassle). All the washing up of bottles / pumps, plus all the stress of trying to get them off bottles after 1, not having the option to comfort feed (like BF), being tied to pumping times (it's not something easily done out of the house).

If you can get past the tricky bit of breastfeeding it is so handy, you can do it anywhere.

As PP said keep an eye on babies weight that will tell you if there are feeding problems, and number of wet nappies. Have you spoken to breastfeeding support person?

Cluster feeding is totally normal

Have you had a tongue tie assessment? My DD's tongue tie wasn't picked up until she was 15 weeks, and having it snipped made a massive difference to what I perceived as cluster feeding, and her generalised ability to settle after a feed. If you can afford it, an appointment with an IBLBC might be beneficial.

Sounds like hubby needs to be stepping up!

leave them for a night or two. Leave them for him to tidy the kitchen and settle the kid. I mean feed the kid, then leave and come back. A couple evenings and hubby might get it. Likely not, but you’ll get a break.

Yes so he is tongue tie we have an appointment on 14th December to see and I think if nhs don’t do it we’ll go private.
I think the expressed bottles help him because it’s easier for him to feed and he doesn’t get sleepy and drop off when he’s trying too hard

Hey,
sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. I felt exactly the same. My flat was a mess and the baby was constantly hungry and didn’t sleep during the day. I promise, it does get easier. My baby is nearly 5 months old and it’s completely different. Sod the housework. Your husband will have to pick up the slack there and prioritise yourself. I gave up breastfeeding and found expressing and bottle feeding helped with my baby’s hunger levels. It also means that my partner can do feeds in the evening and the night which gives you a break. Keep going. You’ve got this.

DH has him for me occasionally

No, not for you! It is equally his child. He is not doing you a favour by caring for his own child. Try to get out of this mindset and allow DH to take responsbility for more, as you've already resolved to do. Easier said than done when mums tend to carry the entire mental load, though. It's so important to establish this earl on, so DH doesn't end up deskilled/nervous/useless.

Have you tried the absolute game-changing life savers:

Safe bedsharing?
Sling?

The tongue tie sounds like the number one most significant thing here and would account for so much of the unsettled behaviour. 14th December is a very long time to wait, can you push for a sooner appointment? Have you tried compressions while feeding to help him? Also dream feeding might be a more efficient way for him to empty the breast, this is easiest in the side lying position whilst on a safe surface with baby.

You are doing amazingly. It is so very very very hard and exhasuting and relentless and thankless and draining. It does get so much easier. ❤

If you've tried absolutely everything for the naps and are rocking for 20 minutes plus whilst baby is fidgeting and crying, you are well within your rights to try putting baby down to sleep freshly fed and nappy changed and leave for 15 minutes. You may discover you have a baby who is developing into wanting to be left alone to fall asleep. It is just another method to try if all else is failing. If you know bubba is overtired and is fighting sleep try this starting on a Friday evening for bed time then partner can provide support, if it works, you can follow through next day for naps when baby is throwing you sleepy signals. If you don't have a baby that's throwing you signs, go with an hour after wake-up in the morning as it's the easiest time usually for baby to take a nap (I find they fight it more as the day goes on). If baby falls asleep within 20 minutes alone after a cuddle and feed (contrary to popular feed play sleep, I find bottle then down stopped my baby fighting sleep as full belly must have helped), you can try again for the next nap, probably an hour and a half after waking. This MAY help, this may also not work for your little one. Just a suggestion as if you feel you are doing everything and it is working less and less and getting more difficult it is always wise to try something new instead of struggling with old methods. They change so much and so quickly, something that worked a week ago they may have decided to phase out and they don't like it anymore.

I have a 6 month old and 2 to 3 months old was when shit hit the fan for me and I was struggling, baby was wiggling in my arms suddenly unable to be rocked and didn't fancy naps how I'd managed previously. Sleep is an absolute dream now and mine does 6:30pm to 5ish am, small feed back down till 7am. Then naps at around 9, 12, and 3pm and bedtime routine begins at 6. I know I may have it easy but I also worked on his naps around the age your bubba is because I couldn't take rocking anymore and he suddenly started fighting it.

If it helps and you have the ability to go round grandparents and ask them to shush and pat bubba to sleep for a nap whilst you relax, do it. It may just kickstart LOs ability to fall asleep without you having to feel guilty if you are inclined that way.

Also from 2 and a half ISH months I started holding his hand and singing twinkle twinkle, dummy came into play etc to save my arms from constant rocking.

I'm sure you're doing great and even at 6 months it gets much better, and I'm sure our reward will be clear over the next few years. Just consider different methods to help you cope, I'm suddenly on my own as partner has issues causing us to split and him barely seeing my baby over the past 2 months so I can relate with the having to do everything.

Some babies just don't sleep, but if yours is in the roughly 60% of babies that are maleable (with 20 being easy already and 20 being difficult colicky babies, read this somewhere, not pulling out my arse), you should be able to get naps down with a little bit of work. And to the user questioning why sleep training comes into play, if you are struggling with bubba and at wits end, being able to put them down for a nap and then they drift off themselves as opposed to hours of your day rocking, it's a game changer. Changed my experience completely and me and my one are much better off for it.

You can do it. :) feel free to message if you are interested in trying anything I've suggested and I will give a more in depth explanation of what I've done.

Also I was adamant I wanted to breast feed and tried so hard but baby decided at 4 ish months he wouldn't feed properly and barely latched on after growing amazingly at the beginning of his life, and wasn't putting on weight. I moved to formula with regular breastfeeds 4x a day but 3 formula bottles a day and now I'm pretty much entirely feeding baby formula and weening with him bf morning and pre bed. This helped me and I was very strict on "I HAVE to breastfeed". Knowing he is getting my antibodies from the few bfs but I don't need to manically pump or surrender my boobs has also helped mentally.

Ranting on now but a dummy also helped with the putting down to sleep without rocking. And my lo is barely attached to it, will only have it immediately after bottle to stop tears (for about 2 mins then spat out) and before naps where he spits it out before actually falling asleep. I was also against dummy's for whatever reason but they have helped so much as provide that little bit of comfort for baby when you leave the room.

Lastly be easy on yourself. It will get better and it's difficult feeling as if you are doing everything but your partner may not realise the gravity of stuff you're dealing with day to day. Make the most of your evenings if baby insists on refusing naps and wear baby around the house to get some bits down or plop on chair and allow yourself some time to focus on doing what YOU need to do because you need to feel at least somewhat complete to be able to mother a tiny human, and if that means baby fed nappy changed crying for ten minutes on play mat, it usually has to be done. Calm yourself knowing you will be cuddling baby very soon and they know no other communication from crying. You got this

I completely sympathise with you… my youngest is 9 weeks and it has been tough. Do try and take some time to yourself. I’ve gone back to gym classes and that time to myself is so precious and does me the world of good.

The tough times do pass, I hope all improves for you soon.

I could have written this post last year when my DD was born. Everyone told me "it will pass" but when you are in the middle of it, it feels suffocating.

My daughter wouldn't sleep all night I would hold her for hours and hours again walking around the room, I was so tired I thought I was going insane. It was non stop every single day.

But I promise you it will pass! One day you will notice that the last few days have been better than your used to, and eventually one day you will realise that you haven't had a bad day in a long time. It takes time, I didn't really have my first "good week" until LO was five months old. Now she is the best, easiest baby ever, every single day with her is a delight, so hang in there!

Don't bother yourself with nice dinners. Literally make a big pasta and reheat it in the microwave for a few days.

Forget the cleaning, just do a quick ten minute run around at the end of the day to tidy so everything isn't cluttered.

Try to enjoy these days although they can seem so unenjoyable. Soon you will miss your baby being so small. Get into a habit of going out for a walk every day. Get a sling carrier if you haven't got one already they are game changers.

I found weeks 10-16 the absolute hardest. The newborn novelty has worn off, the newborn sleepiness has worn off and everything just becomes very difficult.

You got this!

Good luck!!

Sending love OP. I’m with you my DS is 4 months he is exclusively breastfed I had a difficult c section recovery and a partner with a demanding job. What you’re feeling is completely normal. Some ideas to help basically outsource:
get a cleaner
either batch cook and freeze meals / ask DH to do so or have lots of very easy meals (eg frozen jacket potatoes and beans, oven or microwave food think Tesco or m and s feed 2 for £12 meal deals)
talk with partner about Division of Labour could he take the baby for half a day at the weekend?
look into postnatal doulas
it does get better I promise

Also go out, go for a walk go for a coffee with mum friends. Being out keeps baby entertained and I find it hugely reasssuring to see other babies and other mums exactly the same!!

I felt exactly same as you and similar thing happened with my husband. In my case it took me two years to change the whole thing. Give yourself two years and see how your feel and what your relationship is like.

I'd say you have a husband problem not a baby problem. I would also regret having a baby if the person I had the baby with was a deadbeat. He needs to step up otherwise if it was me I would ask him to leave tbh.

Our little girl is 4months I was exactly like you in the early days! It does get better but we’re still navigating the new normal and still have the odd flare up when we’re tired and who wants to go to bed!!