I am regretting become a mum

[Theicingonthecake]

I’m really starting to regret having a DS.
please be kind.. he’s 11weeks, BF,
been told how lucky I am he sleeps from 7;30-5am but he only cat naps during the day 2 x 30 mins which means he’s overtired and overstimulated in the evenings are the worst, I can’t leave him as he screams the house down and just wants to cluster feed. It’s making me feel anxious as I’m constantly fighting him fighting sleep, like I try rocking, shushing, putting down, picking up nothing helps him nap during the day.
husband doesn’t get it, told him how I’m feeling and he just says ‘go back to work’ or ‘you’ve got PND’..but I think just because I’m struggling doesn’t mean I’m depressed.
We had a massive blow out argument because I said I’m not sure if I even wanted a child, and he just went silent and walked off - so I got angry and said I wanted a divorce and I want to leave them both because I’m so unhappy.
Please be kind I’m not a bad person. I’m burnt out- I do all the housework and baby stuff, cleaning, washing, changing and he helps sometimes with cooking or trying to settle baby but it’s not enough I’m exhausted.
I do have some guilty feelings, I miss baby when I’m away from him but I’m starting to resent him when he’s screaming for hours and won’t settle to sleep :( the sound is so overwhelming

You might well be depressed, and I'm sure many other new mums feel/ have felt like this too. Do see your doctor and ask for help - using prescribed anti anxiety medication doesn't mean you're failing, will always need it orbecome a zombie - it's just a very useful shirt term prop for people feeling overwhelmedby their situation.
From personal experience - do you take your baby out in the pram once or twice a day just for a leisurely walk?
This is relaxing for you and your son, you'll find he soon settles and enjoys watching the shapes and patterns passing by- trees, clouds, people etc. He might well fall asleep too - in my day when we got back we would leave them sleeping safely in the garden getting some fresh air, where we could see them. The exercise and time away from the house will work wonders for you, too. Ignore the weather, just dress appropriately and you'll be fine
Do the minimum of house work, you won't die if the house needs a good vac and dust - just keep bathroom, toilet and food preparation areas clean and hygienic, baby clothes washed and only wash your own clothes if they are soiled, not because you wore them yesterday. Lose the iron altogether. Keep meals very simple
If any one wants any more than these basics, tell them they're free to provide them

Comic and clusterfeeding are totally normal at that age. Its also totally normal for you to be brought to your knees by them!

I'm snuggling DC4 as I type. This WILL pass. It's all about survival till it does. Otherwise nobody would ever have more children.

Any way to squeeze a 3td nap in? My boys had to be driven around for an hour each evening at this age. Try various different things - you never know what might work, and even if nothing does it passes the time and makes you feel a little less helpless.

Ear plugs are useful. I'm not suggesting ignoring your baby, but it just makes it a little less intense for you. Taking him out in the pram can be a change of air for you. If he's screaming anyway..... at least it's a bit less overwhelming.

As ypive asked about exclusively expressing - yes, I did this for a while for my twins who were premature and too sleepy to breastfeed effectively. I wouldn't recommend it though, it was incredibly tough finding the time to pump that much and I found it miserable. I stopped and switched to breastfeeding directly as soon as I could.

Would you consider a dummy? Some babies need to suck to relax. If they can smell mum and milk they don't settle well for you, but will do for someone else - all 4 of mine snoozed more easily on my mum than on me until they were 3 months. They wouldn't do more than 3030inutes with me around.

This. The action for a baby to take milk from a bottle is very different from the way s/he nurses and babies can get "nipple confusion". My older DS was a very difficult baby until he was able to get around by himself - he'd only sleep while being carried unless he was really deeply asleep and he could cry for longer than anyone could stand it! He's all grown up now but the first few months were pretty bad. Do the minimum of housework - if anyone doesn't like it point them in the direction of the cleaning supplies and tell them to have at it while you put your feet up. Someone once told me that cleaning your house while your children were small was like shovelling snow off your drive in a blizzard!

You’re really not alone. It’s hard work, like really hard. My son just turned 3 and we still have the odd bad day. He wouldn’t nap for long in the day as he was breast fed, as soon as he went down he was waking wanting the boob back, like a dummy. I found putting him in the pram and rocking him worked, because he’d fallen asleep without the boob he stayed asleep longer. Worth a try. You need as much help as possible, get the grandparents and anyone else looking for baby snuggles to come round for a brew. Leave the housework for you and your partner to share when he gets home… being a mamma to a small child is the most demanding, stressful job there is! I doubt there’s a mother in the world who can honestly say they hadn’t had periods where they wanted to leave. Most men don’t have a clue how hard it is as society teaches us to molly coddle them also, as you said, bottles clean and prepped, bag packed etc etc… they take a fully cared for and prepared baby and think it’s easy, they don’t see behind the scenes and because we love our littles so much we’d never just say “here, you do it all” because we want to be sure it’s done right. Hang in there and if you can, get out to do something for you. Lunch with a friend maybe. Also, have you heard of white noise? I never had with my first, swear by it after my second! White noise while he naps may help. Best of luck xx

Not all, I breast fed for almost 3 years but I did give him a bottle of formula before bed and naps. It does depend on the baby. My little boy was such a boob monster it never made a difference. I did worry about it but as he woke every hour I had to try something and it worked just fine. I did also have days where I would put my face tv series on Netflix, have a tin of snacks and plenty of water and would just sit and feed him for hours… it helps to up your production and let’s you rest. If you know you’re sitting for a purpose you don’t feel as guilty for not ‘doing’

I felt all this! Still do at 13 weeks. My counsellor recommended a book called 'Good mums have scary thoughts'. It will help show you you are jot alone and there are bits in ther for your hubby too xx

Oh bless you @Theicingonthecake , it is really hard & you are doing really well (even though it doesn’t feel like it).
our daughter was born in 2022 & the first few months were super stressful (feeding issues, very colicky & crying a lot). Our daughter also was not a great day napper in the first 6ish months either & was a nightmare when overtired. We also had zero help from anyone & no grandparents to call to give us a hand. A things that worked for us:

1. yes you are on mat leave BUT your partner needs to do more. he needs to be as involved as he can since the baby is also his child - to build a relationship but also if something happens to you they need to know how to look after that child without you. Plus, your partners job has set hours with days off, being a mum on mat leave who pretty much does everything is 24/7 with no breaks, so you have to enforce breaks/days off. My husband worked long hours but he was as hands on as he could be whenever he was not working.
2. try to chill about housework (easier said than done, I know). Yes it may be chaotic & messy but that won’t last forever. Again, partner should be doing more. This should be split 50/50 as much as you can. Set specific jobs for each person so it’s not ambiguous who is doing it.
3. napping - I found putting baby in a sling made her nap better & I could also the do stuff around the house. Or I would even strap baby in the sling & then have a rest/light nap on the sofa (baby won’t fall & you won’t roll over in sleep). There was also a stage where our daughter would only nap with me lying next to her, so it actually forced me to have lots of naps/breaks & that was the only way I could get her to nap sometimes.
4. try to have some baby free time - go out with friends or do something you enjoyed doing before the baby. Whenever I did that I felt like a whole new person & much better, more patient mum.

The first year of a new baby is rough, first baby is even harder. DH and I almost broke up many times during the first year of our first child's life, and became like roommates who were always just a little bit irritated by each other but not enough to leave during the 8/9months of our second child's life. Second child is 18mo now and our relationship is genuinely wonderful again.

My BIGGEST advice: Leave DH to it sometimes. Just go out, don't sort nappies/clothes/bottles/muslins/toys (if you're expressing then obv do that) - let him learn. It is the only way he'll ever appreciate what you do, and it is the only way you'll ever truly get any respite from the relentlessness of it.

I didn't do what I advise with our eldest but did with our second baby. It made a huge difference.

@Theicingonthecake I did try to pump & BF. I could go into a long story about it all.
All I will say is it is a lot of effort & time (cleaning all the parts, bottles & also spending the time to pump & keep your supply up).
We ended up introducing formula (around your child’s age) & doing a mixture of everything (Bf, bottle feeding expressed & formula) & I regained a bit of my sanity when I took the pressure off making sure it was exclusively breast milk. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing approach.
There is no shame in doing it & you have already done so much by giving them breast milk exclusively so far. In hindsight, if we have a second child I would put far less pressure on myself to BF & pump.

Bottle feed if that's bad. No point sacrificing your mental health and a relationship and your future bonding with your child for some breast feeding.
Lots of mothers encourage sacrifice to levels that push past mothers mental health. We are not programmed to bring up a child at home alone.
In older times we would have grandparents aunts younger sisters helping cook clean and entertain. So all the mother had to do was feed and sleep.
11 weeks is enough. If it's too much bottle at night, or try bottle all day. You need to mentally survive this. Don't cave into the breaking yourself mentality. Some women find it easier than others. You do you. Your body is telling you it's too much. Listen. Try some small adaptations, if that doesn't help, try more. Can you go away on holiday somewhere warm? Might help.

Formula does help sleep and doesn't cause colic.
Mixed feeding esp a bottle at night works. Husband can feed then too. It's soo much easier. Cleaning bottles is easy. They just boil in a kettle type thing overnight. Breasts aren't sterile. They will be fine! It's your call. But don't martyr yourself.

@Flyhigher Hmm I’m not sure abut that statement ‘formula doesn’t cause colic’.

the definition of colic online is ‘infant colic is regular, unexplained crying fits that usually last for at least three hours. The cause is unknown, but theories include immaturity of the bowel, food allergies and 'gas' or 'wind'.’

All of the above can still be triggered by formula.

Our daughter was very colicky & I think it was due to gas & that was actually a bit worse with the bottle feeding with formula.

It was due to her tongue tie & the fact she was swallowing a lot of air & didn’t have a great latch on either a bottle teat or breast. Once we got her tie corrected she was a lot happier in general whether she was drinking formula or breastmilk.

Have you got any sources that show formula helps sleep? I am a qualified breastfeeding supporter and all the research I have read has concluded that there is no difference in sleep between formula and breastfeeding, so I'm curious to see the research you've seen contradicting this. Similarly for the studies you have seen contradicting the many which have shown a higher incidence of colic in formula fed babies please.

I won't address the reasons why formula needs to be fully sterilised as it's very easy to find this out by Google and I'm sure OP would not take such dangerous advice.

@Flyhigher

Breasts aren't sterile.

No, they’re even better than that - Breastmilk is antimicrobial, it actively destroys bacteria.

But a formula vs. breastfeeding debate is not helpful to OP

OP, you really are doing so well. It is seriously tough. Have you had any progress getting the tongue tie divided? It should make so much difference, but it may not be immediate. Tonnes of skin to skin, safe bed sharing and techniques to deepen the latch like ‘flipple’ will help things.

Hey,
we’ve booked private for next week as Nhs changed our appt and we don’t want to wait any longer. I do think it will help things sometimes in the evenings he’s so fussy and seems like he has some kind of tummy upset/colic type. I’ve been putting him on his back and doing bicycle legs and seems to help as he passes wind lots.

Chatted to DH and things been better since, I’ve dropped trying to juggle it all alone and I’ve been just doing what I want when I want. I’ve even made the gym twice :)

Hello, thank you again for all the kind words and for any of you that may be interested, things have settled down, his tongue tie was quite bad and it’s been divided, its helped him in the evenings the constant crying and needing to be held is settling down- only problem (for me) aha is he’s started to wake 3 hourly at night, it’s almost like he’s in a regression, but he’s much happier and seems to be napping longer during the day 1-2 hours.
DH is better too- since I stopped making everything easy for him he seems to have taken the lead in the evenings and some mornings before work - so I can go the gym!

I'm so happy to hear that. Honestly being a parent is one of the hardest things but just you wait it does get better and when your baby starts doing those little firsts like smiling and rolling etc it makes it all worth it I promise. Your a a good mum because you care. If you were a bad mum you wouldnt care or have reached out for help. Remember that. Sending love and have a brilliant Christmas x

@Theicingonthecake glad it's going a bit better.

My advice to anyone having a baby is don't expect sleep to be linear and never expect the same night twice. The sooner you accept you don't know what sleep you're going to get the less disappointed and stressed you'll be when it doesn't quite go to plan.

Just know that eventually you will get decent sleep again! I fed to demand, coslept, didn't do any kind of night weaning I just let baby drop feeds as and when and she's now 2.5 and sleeping 8pm-6am, occasionally wakes once in the night needing a little cuddle (she has a floor bed so I get in with her).

Just keep resting when baby sleeps, drop housework if you need to, make sure your tea and biscuit supplies are always full and just go with it.

My DD had reflux and colic and those first 6 months SUCKED. I'd spend most nights crying whilst she screamed. Shes nearly 11 now, and I can promise you it does get better!

Things that i found helped us:
Baby wearing all the time
Co sleeping
Letting her take naps on me
Drives to get her to sleep for naps
Tilting the cot
Bumbo chair
Playing music to slightly drown out the screaming
Getting friends to babysit for a couple of hours.
Handing her to my ex and going out for a few hours

Good luck x

A you invite mums to yours? Are you in a baby group? I isn't join one and I regret it.