I am regretting become a mum

[Theicingonthecake]

I’m really starting to regret having a DS.
please be kind.. he’s 11weeks, BF,
been told how lucky I am he sleeps from 7;30-5am but he only cat naps during the day 2 x 30 mins which means he’s overtired and overstimulated in the evenings are the worst, I can’t leave him as he screams the house down and just wants to cluster feed. It’s making me feel anxious as I’m constantly fighting him fighting sleep, like I try rocking, shushing, putting down, picking up nothing helps him nap during the day.
husband doesn’t get it, told him how I’m feeling and he just says ‘go back to work’ or ‘you’ve got PND’..but I think just because I’m struggling doesn’t mean I’m depressed.
We had a massive blow out argument because I said I’m not sure if I even wanted a child, and he just went silent and walked off - so I got angry and said I wanted a divorce and I want to leave them both because I’m so unhappy.
Please be kind I’m not a bad person. I’m burnt out- I do all the housework and baby stuff, cleaning, washing, changing and he helps sometimes with cooking or trying to settle baby but it’s not enough I’m exhausted.
I do have some guilty feelings, I miss baby when I’m away from him but I’m starting to resent him when he’s screaming for hours and won’t settle to sleep :( the sound is so overwhelming

No no no

Meant with absolute support for you but this is what you need to stop.

DH has his sometimes. Whilst has him, you go for a bath etc. He has HIS child because he needs to look after and bond with HIS child. Not as a favour to the woman he got pregnant.

When he walks in the door therefore it's perfectly acceptable to say "oh yay, Daddy is home, here you go, cuddle time!!" and pass the baby over. Go for the longest poo you can fake. Lock the door and take a book. Get to 8 pm and say look I'm knackered, there's milk in the fridge, I need to go to bed, he'll be up at 5, night.

Don't ASK if he can possibly look after your child as a massive favour to you. Explain you need him to look after his child right now.

And if he mentions PND, say "possibly, I'm glad you understand, and I'll appreciate your support getting through this", then go for a nap.

You are advocating replacing BM with formula - this is mixed feeding which messes up supply.

The downside is it makes it harder/less likely to get to the easy bit of bf-ing.

Pumping increases supply. Formula decreases supply.

Not helpful to say to switch to formula. Her baby is sleeping. She doesn't need to sleep train

11 weeks is peak colic time, I remember the evening screaming with my DC1. Oddly enough DC2 was fine. This will pass, probably sooner than you think. Hang in there. And get your DH to do his share of housework. Your focus is looking after the baby, not the hoovering.

Try yo get out during the day, pram walks, meeting friends, baby groups. A change of scenery works wonders.

BF will get so much easier. You’re doing such a great job!

it will get better, it really will 🤗

The baby sleeps for 10 hours overnight….

For what reasons are you suggesting stopping breast feeding and changing to formula?

For what reasons are you suggesting sleep training?

I know these feelings very well, my DC is 9 weeks old and for the last 2 weeks I have been experiencing everything you're describing.

This is my 2nd DC and i also went through this with the first - BFing gets much easier and SO handy (and very soon), you will stop arguing with your partner and it really does pass.

I found 12 weeks a turning point last time - coming out of the 4th trimester.

I also highly recommend as (PPs have suggested) getting out of the house even for a short walk and even if baby cries the whole time, stick earphones in and listen to some music.

I also highly recommend babywearing to get baby to nap and my DCs have both loved the extractor fan in the kitchen, seems to soothe them and keep them asleep a bit longer.

Also remember everything is a phase! Good luck x

Thank you for all of your replies and kind comments of reassurance.
just To confirm I give him a bottle of pre expressed breast milk in evenings as I’m worried re him not getting enough/wanting to cluster (I then express some around 9/10 to make sure my supply continues!
I need a strong word with DH about his role in this and I will stop facilitating everything for him.
I’m also going to relax with trying to get him to sleep but I liked the idea of a lunchtime walk to try and get a bit of a longer nap out of him.

Oh OP it's tough! It's not for everyone but at that age I found babygroups a godsend. Just an excuse to get out of the house and see other mums and get to moan and encourage each other really helped my mental health. Weirdly it made me feel more bonded to my baby too. When I was feeling like I'd REALLY had enough, hearing other people saying how beautiful / smiley / sleeping well / whatever he was made me see that anew as well. And parenting in front of other people made me feel like I knew what I was doing and wasn't some weird gremlin who was just scuttling around the house chaotically feeding and rocking all day. I'm not suggesting you feel this way, but it is how I felt.

The main thing you need though is support from your DP. Have a day or two where you lie in and he gets up, so you know that you're always only 3 or 6 days away from a good sleep. Have him prepare the bag when they're out together. Yes he will forget things the first few times, don't comment, let him learn. This attitude:

DH has him for me occasionally whilst I take a bath or walk or whatever

As others have said, no! He doesn't have him FOR you, you need a word with him on stepping up and contributing.

I can sympathise, I hated being a mum at this age too and couldn't understand why no one had told me it was going to be so hard. My advice is don't try and find a magic solution, there isn't one as the baby will change week by week and month by month. All you can do is survive with whatever feels manageable to you, at that time.

I think getting out of the house is key to mental health. Go and visit people, even if it's to a friend for an hour, a family member for a couple of hours or as long as they'll have you, a new mum and baby group, a children's centre, the breast feeding clinic...anywhere! I found it gave me a routine, a reason to get up and dressed. People want to make you a cup of tea, you can have a moan / cry while they hold the baby. Even the journey there and home again breaks up the day and hopefully stimulates the baby a bit, so that they cry a little less and are a bit more tired at points through the day /night. You're surviving day by day, so try and fill your mornings or afternoons, so that being at home alone with baby isn't so bad.

Soon enough baby will be cruising and crawling and walking and hopefully you have made some new friends. No one wants to hear about the details of your life more than another new mum going through the same stage, as we all want to know that we're normal and just about coping.

Don't feel guilty, I hated this part too and even though it was ten years ago I still feel anxiety just thinking about it because it was bloody awful. Many a tear was shed, but it will pass I promise, it has to as these babies have to grow up! x

So a couple of things that helped me- between 8 weeks and 4 months when she cluster fed every hour- and I didn't realise she had an allergy as no one would see us due to covid...

1. Make your other half completely responsible for a few things- like keeping the kitchen clean and tidy before and after work- to ensure you get some time to yourself and get yourself drinks/snacks/lunch easily... for me if the kitchen is clean and tidy I feel less stressed
2. Meal plan between you. Make sure it's not just you doing the cooking but when breastfeeding I felt better when I had healthy meals...
3. Get out for fresh air regularly- I would even sit in the park on dry days even when cold as baby slept better in the fresh air and I had a coffee in a reusable mug
4. Make sure you are drinking plenty to cover both what you and baby are drinking
5. Give baby to hubby in the evening- I used to feed her at half 6 and head to bed for half 7- he would cuddle her for the next 3-4 hrs before bringing her uptobed and I would feed again (I felt better as I had enough sleep)
6. I had a heart to heart with my mum who told me how difficult she found this age and that what I was feeling was normal. She came up (wasn't allowed in 2020 but she did anyway)- we organised and cleaned the house between us- and she would sit and rock the baby so I could rest/get out of the house. For some reason she settled better for her than me and it really helped. When mum went home I felt a weight was lifted
7. Get out to baby groups or your local breastfeeding groups- find other mums share stories and you will realise we are all in the same boat....

You have got this

It will get better.

In 3 months times you'll look back and won't be able to believe in the change.

From what you've wrote it doesn't sound like you're depressed. But it does sound like you need a break.

And by a break I don't mean ypu get everything ready for your husband who keep kid for a couple of hours.

You need a regular break at least once a week for 3-4 hours.

You shouldn't have to prep for this and maybe if your husband is caring for the baby 4 hours in a row without any help from you he will understand more about what you're going through. Or he'll just pick up the baby when baby is having a bad hour or 2 and help settle baby.

Right now it seems everything is down to you. So no wonder you are finding it all overwhelming. Baby will get easier, so everything else will become easier with time.

But if husband can step up and give you a proper break. If when you're having difficulty settling baby he can step in and do what needs to be done you'll find it easier much earlier. ( The hope is if he has baby regularly he will get better at reading baby's moods and understand what baby needs.)

Forgot to add - Not sure if you are going to baby groups already, but when you are there you need to treat it like a recruitment ground for new friends. Do the rounds, speak to as many people as you can. Mention you are walking through the park on the way home, would they like to join you? Ask them how old the baby is, how are they sleeping, how are they finding motherhood? You'll find yourself a one or two gems I'm sure.

I felt like a man trying to pull when I was at these groups but I needed new mum friends and fast, as I was in a new area on my own, with husband away from 7am - 10pm every week day. I once just asked a lady 'Do you like to walk?' not my finest pick up line, but we're friends ten years later. Everyone needs friends in the same boat at this point in early motherhood. I'm not suggesting that you are desperate - or that you should act desperate - but one good friend with a baby can make all the difference. Or even if you never see anyone outside of the group, at least while you're there you're part of a mum and baby community.

Depending on where you live, secure garden etc. I went old school and wrapped my baby up and put him in his pram in our secure garden. Even in the rain with a rain cover. He slept so much better in the fresh air and could look at the sky etc. I kept the front or back door wide open, and locked the gates. I’d either get a few jobs done or I’d sit in my chair in the window.
All new mums and old mums sometimes think about running for the hills and it’s completely normal.
Your husband needs to pull his finger out and have a bit more understanding.

Good luck OP, it really sucks but you can see from the responses that you are not alone. I think most of that first year I have only vague memories of, as i was definitely panciky and depressed to some degree and have blocked a lot out. it's hard.

I agree with empowering your husband to be able to child wrangle solo - it's important for their relationship.
And definitely follow the mum friend recruitment advice - I am still close in a special way to the two of my NCT group who also struggled a fair bit - because it feels like we went to war together and it has kept us close.

Honestly I think thats pretty normal, especially with your first. Some woman find it a breeze but it really isnt for alot of women. When I had my first I was not prepared at all. I'd always wanted kids but it just wasn't what I imagined and honestly I'm not even sure I really even liked her for the first 6 months, I was merely caring for her out of obligation. She's 9 now and is the light of my life, it does get better.

I have a 5 month old and completely understand, his becoming overtired during the day is something I try to avoid at all costs because he will just scream inconsolably and it makes me cry too!

luckily my partner is happy to pull his weight and that makes all the difference. I had a very uninvolved partner when I had my first and the difference is stark. Your partner should have spotted your state of mind (it’s not hard to spot, given what you said to him) and should be doing whatever is required to take care of you and the baby. If he’s not doing that then he shouldn’t be surprised when you leave him

some ideas - if breastfeeding is too hard or overwhelming you are allowed to stop. Take it in turns to do the 5am feed. Forget the housework, it’s not important, you’re in survival mode right now. Enlist family support if you have some. Try to get out of the house if you can, even a 20 minute walk.

Oh and some ideas re sleep … if it’s situation desperate then put him in the car and find a Starbucks drive thru/KFC drive thru/choose your poison at least half an hour away, preferably on the motorway. Have a nice steady drive and baby will hopefully sleep. Or on a nicer day I put baby in the pram in a love to dream swaddle, wrapped up warm and go for a walk along the seafront (or wherever) I like the seafront because it’s a long, straight, smooth path which is easy for my knackered hips to walk. And there’s a Starbucks :)

Honestly the first few months suck big time!!! I found it such a big adjustment the first time round and also got cross with DH as he could seemingly still have a life and be a person outside of the baby. The reality was he was holding down a full time job to support us and was sleep deprived too. Honestly try not to compare your roles, the mum is always the most tired, especially if you are bf as well as you just don’t get a break! It will get better, in the meantime please lean on friends and family for support and don’t worry about the housework or if you can afford to get a cleaner for a few months. You will get your life back (albeit slightly different) it just takes time xx

OP I just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing amazingly to be honest. Life with a newborn is messy and wild and relentless and it’s normal to have some ‘wtf have I done!?’ moments. If you are managing to express a decent amount of milk (nice one!) can your dh take responsibility for a few key feeds to give you a break and to develop his bond with baby? Apart from that the things that I’ve found helpful are using the soft sling, having baths with my baby and going out for fresh air as much as possible. This chapter won’t last long and you are not alone in your feelings about it .

It's so hard! I totally feel you. I think this age is the hardest as you've been sleep deprived and exhausted for a good couple of months but you can't yet see the light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better. I'd say number one priority is ensuring your husband steps up. He isn't "babysitting" and you don't need to prepare everything as if he is. You need to trust he'll cope and he needs to learn to cope. I'd say discuss scheduling in regular "bonding time" for him and his baby, maybe every Saturday from wake up (5am) to lunchtime. You can have a lie in and maybe a bath or a walk, meet a friend, anything you like. He can spend quality time with his little one. This will help now but also pay dividends later, when he can take his child to swimming lessons, or football or ballet or whatever on a Saturday morning and have a genuine connection and time just for them. He'll also learn to settle the baby, he'll understand how hard you work and with some space you'll catch your breath. Don't be tempted to do housework during breaks - you need a proper break and going to the supermarket or washing clothes is not that! When DH is home, it should be 50/50 on the baby and all domestic work. Maternity leave is a 9-5 job replacement, not a 24/7 commitment.
You'll get through it, it's tough but it is worth it, promise...!

You can read about how difficult having a newborn is until you are blue in the face but you won’t realise the sheer unrelenting awfulness of it until it happens.

All the things that make us stressed - hormones, sleep deprivation, endless screaming baby, grumpy partner - are dumped on you at once from a great height. I’m not sure how most relationships survive the first three months with a baby, but somehow most of them do.

As others have said, if breastfeeding is compounding your misery, it’s ok to stop. I wish someone had said this to me a lot sooner than they did!

Expressed bottle in evening is a good idea so you can leave baby with your husband while you have some time to yourself. I would try and stick with the breastfeeding if you can, after the first few months (which are tricky and v tiring!) it becomes such a useful tool, easy way to get them to sleep and solves 99% of problems (in terms of calming them down).

I actually did get a divorce, we broke up when little one was 4 months. It is a very testing time,I wish I knew how many other people go through these feelings at the time I thought it was just me. Try not to make any big decisions right now.

It does get easier....caring for a baby is overwhelming and all consuming. Breastfeeding is exhausting. You're I'm the tick of it at the moment but it will get better. Can anyone come and give you a little break in the day? Just an hour to yourself to have a bath or something can really help your mindset. But please be prepared that sleep may get worse before he gets better. The night time sleep he is doing is amazing and I am very jealous as I don't sleep which makes things even harder... but I digress. Naps are a pain but try not to stress over them, do what you can and try and take care of yourself.

The first 6 months (even a year) is not enjoyable at all. Its so so hard and tiring. Could you maybe give baby formula so you can sleep and DH can do some feeds and also do more with the baby during the day. Theres so much pressure on mums to BF but its not always "best" for mum. Make some bottles up and go out for a few hours while DH looks after his son

My daughter was very similar. That phase will end, I promise. The best piece of advice I was given was that every stage ends!
It's common for breastfed babies to a) be fussier because they're taking little and often instead of big feeds which keep them content for longer and b) want their mum all the time because you are their only source of food and comfort. It's overwhelming at times and you are right in the trenches now but try and ride the wave as much as you can. You're still in the 4th trimester and he's still adjusting to life outside the womb.

NGL your DH is a bit of a knob for his responses to your feelings. Just telling you you have PND and then not supporting you to find a solution to your problems is dismissive and very unhelpful. I would also probably tell him I want a divorce too. Or throw a saucepan at him.

If DH isn't willing to pick up the slack on the housework, if there is a friend or family member that can come and help while you bond with baby I think that could really help. Or if you're touched out with baby then they can take him while you catch up on stuff or take some time for yourself. And if you feel you are still struggling please go to the doctor. If you do have PND you don't always know it, it can't hurt to talk about it.

But again, I promise, it will get better.

P.s. get some earplugs. You can still hear baby but the noise won't drill into your brain as much.