Why does no one talk about what parenting is really like.

[Mama9076]

After having my first baby, even after attending NCT classes I was completely shocked and I don’t think anything could prepare me for the, exhaustion and sheer relentlessness looking after a baby takes. Especially after having a tough birth with no time to recover. My friends who had been super excited for me to join the mum club and so positive, suddenly opened up about how hard they found it to. It’s like a secret club that only unlocks once you have a baby yourself. Going in eyes wide open for baby#2. I find myself not being open and honest with friends that are expecting their first. Are you like this or are you honest about how it is?

They wouldn’t believe you any way.

I think @DustyLee123 has nailed it, I don’t think you can fully understand the high & lows until you’ve experienced it.

They do, but until you’ve had children yourself you don’t really believe it!

So true!

@Mama9076 agree with every single thing you have written. Not only is it life changing but nobody talks to you about it until your also in the club. My baby is 10 weeks old and it wasn't until after the first 6 that I finally felt like a vaguely knew what was going on and wasn't in constant pain. Why don't women/parents talk about it?!

I feel the opposite. There's no end of "OMG nobody told me" doom and gloom. Nobody tells you how bloody incredible it is along with the hard parts.

I'm very open with friends and family about how hard I find it at times. I have found that those without children think I am being dramatic and they act as if it can't possibly be that bad! I feel they may be in for a shock 😆

My relatively recently adult daughter is watching TikTok’s that tell them how awful birth and children are. She doesn’t want them.

I don’t think that is accurate about the experience of being a parent which has been the single most rewarding experience of my life and I am a well paid professional with a job I love and a happy marriage. I think there are very difficult parts to being a parent, the ones you mention being among them but overall having children is very rewarding for some people too.

Our parents tell us but we think it's sour grapes and we want to find out for ourselves.
Some friends tell us when we're pregnant but we're not interested in their miserable off- loading.
So we have children and then find out how tough it is.
So we tell our children when they're older and our pregnant friends ......

I'm afraid I think people talk about it all the time.

You say yourself that nothing could have prepared you - that's it really. How can you really know how it feels to be woken multiple times a night for months or years, in that particularly harsh way when you are catapulted from exhausted oblivion to total white light wakefulness (but still exhausted) and get on with it because there's no choice?

How can you know how it feels to be bitten and hit by your own toddler, or just the incredible dependency of a small baby and their total reliance on you?

No I don't talk about it in front of pregnant women. Every birth and every newborn is different, and some people do claim to love it. I don't regret having ds and I wouldn't change it, I'm just extremely glad that I don't have to do that anymore.

When I had mine in the 80s there was a brilliant book called from here to maternity which was just quotes from first time mums. It was such a comfort to me seeing how others felt the same . I really think it should be reprinted with updates . I think it was complied by suzi orbach .

I don't know -- everyone's different! I heard lots of 'just you wait, it's SO hard' but so far I've absolutely loved it I have a baby, so I'm sure hard bits will come later, but apart from the hormones hitting me for the first couple of weeks and the difficulties of cluster feeding, I've absolutely loved the new baby stage. Maybe you'll find a later stage easier OP (and maybe vice versa for me!)

Christ help me. I'm sat here thinking I'm not cut out for this, I'll come to MN for reassurance, I'm shit scared that I'm making a mistake here. And here it is. Life is gonna get rough and I bought it all on myself. Fuck.

(13 weeks, 37 and DP 45, ten years together, 1 miscarriage, my first, his third).

But realistically, how do you tell an expectant mother how awful things can be without coming across really mean? And even if you do, you just can’t understand it until it happens to you.

Perhaps they don't talk about it as they feel people will judge them for having some kind of deficiency for not loving it all the time, that they are a morally bad person or that they are 'selfish'.
Sometimes I think the whole thing is a massive gaslighting experience.

Totally agree OP, it’s bloody hard and relentless and half the time you feel like you’re failing.
its true that people wouldn’t believe you/really get it until they’d experienced it.
and yes it’s rewarding and wonderful too

Because all the blogs and posts and threads and articles and advice and comments about the negative side tend to be sneered at,judged, not believed and "feel sorry for your kids" kind of vibe.

There's at least 3 threads a week on here from women complaining their friend/family told them how hard having a baby will be and they're just awful meanies shitting on their parade.

People can't win really.

Actually-I think there is plenty of "It's absolute shit" and not enough about the wonder and delight.

What? Of course they do! Only have to look on MN for hundreds of posts about baby not sleeping, constant feeding, sore breasts etc etc. Read a few if these and you wonder why anyone would have a baby.
But reading it and experiencing it are two different things. Plus once out of that early phase you forget, otherwise you wouldn't have a second.

I agree @CurlewKate!

I have a friend who says Im the only one who’s actually ever been completely frank about how hard it is sometimes. I don’t shy away from the realities or voicing it. I’ve found it’s not popular though, everyone also then said aww but it’s worth it. Is it? Not sure I’d do it if I had my time again.

Wait until they turn 16-17 - the first time I truly regretted having kids.

i think some have the fairy picture book about how it will be, then when they have them, then its omg for some.

It's not the same for everyone. I found childbirth and the initial recovery from it horrific. I have found parenthood much less hard and considerably more enjoyable than most people do, based on what I've read on MN. In particular I'm always surprised when people say that being at home with babies/toddlers is way harder than being at work. I found the exact opposite!

Yes, i often wondered how the hell did poo managed to get in her hair or behind her ears.